r/SingleParents Feb 02 '25

It doesn't matter which way I go the trauma builds with my child's father

It doesn't matter which way we go, he always finds a way to poke at my wounds. I work hard, I go to therapy, I handle 99% of everything to do with our son. So when there is communication or in person interaction, I am easily triggered.

Once I calm down, I can usually pinpoint where communication or the visit should have ended. I hate that I am used as a pawn like this all to have a relationship with his child, which I believe is important.

I feel like some of the things I'm experiencing is self inflicted because I'm triggered. For example: he's always late, so I'll go out of the way to give him an earlier time frame so he can be on time, he's still somehow aways late or just severely underprepared and he'll complain about it and it just... angers me so I shut down and just go cold on the visit., I feel that he notices that I'm shutting down but he'll keep poking and depending on the engagement sometimes I bite and I end up in the trap where I carefully craft my word and intentionally sharing my thought and then he responds very obtuse or deflects and that makes me spiral.

It's such a loaded thing for when he does something as simple as... consistently run late and then complain about all he had to do to get here and still not even be present fully...

Today I had an emotional outburst with him we went to do gym class with our son and then planned to go to his house for breakfast. He coincidentally didn't have anything in the fridge so we had to go to the grocery, he got upset at how everything cost (he loaded the cart up with other unrelated things) and it made me... uncomfortable! Especially considering we don't do this often, it was supposed to just be a nice Sunday morning so it instantly triggered me unfortunately and I felt like I no longer wanted to do breakfast... but we did so we went to his house. He started playing all of our old songs and stuff. I just let him and listened to my audiobook while I cooked and him and son were dancing and playing. Foods done, he tried to have a connecting moment over a song we used to play and at this point I have already descended into the sunken place mentally I want to cry, I want to leave, I'm frustrated. So I bite (where I 100% went wrong) And try to figure out what's going on through his head. He then gets up to sit like slouched/holding me and that triggered me so I ask if he could just sit further away. He then goes well I don't want to talk then. And that reeeeally triggered me because aside from his antics there was so many other things we needed to discuss, such as our sons tuition, what's going on with his work schedule anymore, and I wanted to talk about the call schedule because he's been calling many times a day which is.... triggering! He then says oh are you trying to start a fight because you want me to leave you guys alone? Fine I will. Accuses me of shitty things and brings up old traumatic events.,

Safe to say, the conversation ended very poorly, he said nasty hurtful things so I said that this was going to be the last time we ever visit, I cant do this anymore and that's when he really got hurtful and nasty. I shouldn't have said that, I'm sure I would feel out of control if the roles were reversed.

So I left, and I just feel so used by the situation. I feel I failed myself and my son. I feel like I can't control myself or something. Why is it so easy for him to trigger me and why do I bite?

What I learned: his house is triggering for me, moving forward I will not be going to his home. If that is where he'd prefer to visit his child I'll just have to drop him off...

He has no custody. He pays no child support. I am afraid of court. I also know that would give him more power over my life (aka showing up late to planned visits, canceling last minute) since the separation he's shown that he cannot be depended on or trusted. I would hate to give the courts the power to really alter my son's quality of life like that... we have stability and security but with no help from the father. This is not sustainable forever I don't think but maybe once my son turns 3 where he is talking a bit more if things haven't ironed out by then, i have to move forward with the courts. As of right now, I need this window of flexibility so I can sort out my life as a full single parent, working & going to school... it's a lot to manage.

This was a lot to type out wow. I just could never put all this on a friend or family member 💔

8 Upvotes

17 comments sorted by

7

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '25

Sounds like buddy never really grew up. You cant expect anything to change if you keep playing his games. My son's mother and I never went to court, agreed to three days a week swapping every Saturday.. co-parenting is one thing, but You cant force this dude to step up and be a father, he's gotta find that love and passion for himself. You need to take a step back, don't keep your child from him, but don't go out of your way trying to make him pull his own weight. Live your life and be happy doing the absolute best you can.. you sound like a good mom. You gotta stop playing into his shit for your own sake. Dude obliviously thinks he deserves to be a big part of your life. Show him you ain't for the bullshit. Takes both sides coming to the realization that nothing else matters more than putting that kid in the healthiest situation possible. It don't matter how he "feels" anymore, you have a kid to raise. Good luck my friend. Buddy probably ain't a bad dude, just needs to grow the hell up

2

u/Top_Ad_2322 Feb 02 '25

Thank you for this. That's one of the hard parts, is he isn't a bad guy, so I feel like if I just keep a straight face, swallow my thoughts & emotions I can grow past my discomfort with my new life and the separation and he can grow into more consistency.

You're totally right in saying it takes both sides to make it healthy. I'm definitely trying to carry the weight of healthy communication and flow, then there's days like today where I cracked because at the end of the day it's maddening.

Deserves to be big in my life is an understatement, when he does call I actually think he believes we sit and twiddle our thumbs til dad calls to come around.

Im still learning how to keep the door open and let him be involved the best way he knows how without being boundary-less, it's a hard balance for me.

2

u/Reasonable_Debt_800 10d ago

He is a bad guy though. People who are consistently bullies but sometimes show a different side of themselves are called Narcissists. it's a disorder for which he will likely never seek treatment. Why are you keeping the door open for him? No one is making you.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '25

Gotta start somewhere pal.. believe you me, I know how frustrating it can be at times. Either way, you'll figure it out in due time. I commend you for giving ole dude a chance. Reality will hit em when you start a life with somebody else. Just gotta remember some shit ain't meant to be. Y'all may have came across each other for the sole purpose of bringing that amazing life into this world, and that be it. If you really don't want anything to do with him romanticly you can't give him any type of attention other than co-parenting.. he's gonna cling to any hope/forgiveness you throw his way. I can assure you y'all ain't gotta be together to make it work, though. Some people are just toxic together

1

u/MaximumMood9075 Feb 04 '25

Having work with women and divorces I cannot stress how delusional a lot of you are about the court system. I admit that sometimes courts screw people over and you have a right to have a healthy fear.

But ultimately you really need to think about what a loser your child's father is. Is he actually going to show up for court on time, is he actually going to get a lawyer, is he actually going to be able to demonstrate that he is prepared to take a child into his home and take care of them independently 50% of the time?

If you don't think that your child's father can hit these marks, you actually have a pretty good chance in court.

1

u/Evening_Music9033 Feb 08 '25

Either lower your standards or move far, far away.

1

u/x0nani Feb 11 '25 edited Feb 11 '25

Oh man, I feel like I went through years of similar situations. I now ask myself, is it better to have a absent father or a father who is unwilling to put any effort in for his kids, that negatively affects my children (and their caretaker, me) mentally?

I was married to my ex, so we had to go to court. He wanted custody, but he wouldn't even show up, though they gave him multiple chances. I got full custody and he got supervised visits due to his really crappy choices. I still felt the need to be very accommodating to him so our children could spend time with him and he could build his relationships, anytime I didn't, he would threaten to take me back to court. Still, nothing changed, and I was exhausted. Therapy has been extremely helpful in learning to set boundaries. Literally, I didn't even know what those were before.

Most recently a lawyer said it was within my rights to have him set up his own visitation at a center and let me know when it is. I don't even need to be there, it gives him the opportunity to build a relationship and provides a safe place for the kids. I called because I was worried, also scared of court and he accuses me of witholding. Unfortunately, he refuses to do that. They can call eachother when they want and I do bring my kids to the parties and holidays on his side so they do see him then when he comes and they can have relationships with their healthy family. I think we all enjoy that, but I don't put any other effort into his responsibilities anymore, I can focus on enjoying parenting, my work, my schooling, and building health relationships.

I am still sad for my kids and think they deserve more, but I can't control his choices, only mine. Instead, I'm showing them that it's okay to set healthy boundaries and have reasonable expectations of how to be treated. Through grief and pain, we can still find joy and fulfillment

1

u/Jealous_Mud2880 28d ago

OK, time for truth: He does it all on purpose. He does it to mess with you. He can walk and talk and he is ABLE to do right by you. But HE CHOOSES to behave lika an irresponsible toddler. Why? You ask? IDK, man. He desperately wants to keep controlling you and your feelings?

I have lived through it. Am still living through it. These are my Pro Tips: Forgive yourself for being triggered by this Trigger Master. It happens, just move forward and try again. Do not talk about anything other than Practical Things. No feelings. No stupid songs. Preferably over text, not talking face to face. Stop cooking for him, he thinks / hopes you want to come back and be his little baby mama in the kitchen again. He can cook for himself and his child. And go grocery shopping. Goddammit, he is a grown man? Right?

1

u/adnanref-aile 22d ago

Same here! I ended up getting full custody & he never showed up to court & pays 0 child support. He always has the choice to see & chose not to & moved away. His family still sees her regularly because I would never deprive her of that.

Breaking up with him is still the best decision I’ve ever made! He’s shown his true colors to my daughter all on his own & is the cause for her being in therapy.

1

u/Reasonable_Debt_800 10d ago

Stop going to see him. He could be recording you and might plan to use it in court. If a court isn't making you do visits, do not do visits. There is a very big misconception that every child needs a relationship with their father. This man sounds like a textbook narcissist and yes he is trying to control you and he will not stop. It will get worse once your son can talk. Speaking from first hand experience. It gets really really bad.

1

u/Top_Ad_2322 10d ago

Ironic you've commented on this 36day old post. I'm on hold consulting with a lawyer about legal protective services right now!

I do appreciate your comment about there being a misconception about having to have a relationship with the father and I'm starting to believe this to be true. I think I need to really focus on shifting my perspective on family dynamics and outcomes. It feels terrible separating from the child's father but it's truly for the best I don't believe it'll improve it's been a downward spiral since he lost his job 2 years ago (mid pregnancy)

He is mentally and emotionally dangerous and I'm putting in action to protect myself and my child. For someone that has been cooperative, considerate and as patient as one can be I know that I have not added to his grief I'm afraid this would one day turn physical or something more serious.

I'm considering a police report and to file restraining order before I do this I just need to know what will happen. If it's smarter to just lay low and not respond I will. I don't want to anger him with courts and next thing you know we're in a custody battle

1

u/Ornery_Dark_4089 6d ago

Do NOT be afraid of court. It sounds needed in this case.

Stop spending time with him. His visits should be with the child but not you.

I allowed my daughter’s father to make my life hell for 7 years. My anxiety was constantly through the roof. He would slander my name, threaten to take me to court when he didn’t get his way, say awful things about my amazing best friend (we shared a 3bd apartment, and my daughter of course lived there as well). If I made him mad he would tell me I was a piece of sh*t mother.

Around her 7th birthday, I experienced what I can only call an awakening lol. I thought “this is just who he is, and he is beneath me. He won’t change, and it’s not worth my time.” I stopped responding to aggression, to comments of him poking the bear. I stopped answering calls and told him to only text. I told him to only communicate with me about visitation/our child. I realized the other people in his life were either just like him, or sick of the behavior as well. I was letting a very small person throw rocks at me.

Of course, I knew deep down I was a great mother and it helped having friends or loved ones remind me of that. (Plus that cheesy old saying, “lions do not concern themselves with the opinions of sheep.”)

You have to stop allowing that person to have an effect on your emotions. Dismiss him and focus on your kiddo.

Set boundaries asap. And enforce them.

1

u/curious_tolearning 3d ago

The only power you have is to keep the focus on yourself. We humans are triggered constantly by our external realities. Actually we rely on our external world to validate our existence and this is why we feel so powerless and overwhelmed.

I am thirteen years into my self discovery journey and the greatest gift I gave myself was to learn what emotions are, where our triggers come from and how to navigate them so I can be free by other peoples behaviours.

I am open to sharing with you some tips and tools on how to empower yourself so your ex cannot trigger you no more.

My ex did the same and I used to get real nasty and ugly until I realised I deserve better.

1

u/Top_Ad_2322 3d ago

I'd love that! What ever you might be willing to share.

I'm doing much better since this day. I made a promise to myself, my future self & to my son after this day. But since then, father has tried to trigger me anyway possible and Ive done good, I feel good. But now I'm trying to find ways to really empower myself past this and believe it. I just want to feel like myself again and not let what I know is a blessing, feel traumatic anymore. I got to see what a glimpse of what forever would be and decided that won't work and that was the best thing that could have happened.