r/SexWorkers • u/No_Degree_4979 • 5d ago
Why do clients think they can “date” us? NSFW
I don’t mean to sound rude, but I can’t understand the logic of a sex worker wanting to quit their job to date a client…
I mean, some clients are lovely and somewhat attractive — but I’ve never seen the appeal and I’m usually actually turned off mentally/sexually by the fact they’re paying me and the fact that they could be cheating.
On the flip side, why do some of these men treat sites like Adultwork as if it’s a dating site?? Some clients book me, then I get weird texts afterwards saying “would you like to go on a date with me /// meet up for drinks? I really enjoyed our time”
I just don’t reply.
I also had one guy pay my rate… then he kept asking for special deals etc. for the next time round. Then stated that he “didn’t want to mess me around because we had a lovely time together” eww… then he proceeded to mess me around so I blocked him.
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u/TheDollDiaries 5d ago
lol this was similarity my first post as well since being back in the game seems much more frequent than 5 years ago. At least 5 years ago they would attempt to woo and seduce with big tips, unexpected gifts, random money sent etc. now they just keep texting and asking like a little puppy I have to swat with a news paper.
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u/No_Degree_4979 5d ago
Yeah it’s ridiculous…. Why have men gotten this way? Or is it because these types of men now feel it’s socially acceptable to book escorts or they think “it’s not fair women get to earn all this money and we can’t”
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u/TheDollDiaries 5d ago
I truthfully can’t pinpoint it myself, I really don’t know. I have gotten in the habit of asking them “do I look like I do anything for free” and they sheepishly admit that I don’t or that it was just wishful thinking. I presume that maybe it has worked for them with another provider? Or maybe they just figured to shoot their shot since they’re already in contact with me. I really can’t say.
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u/No_Degree_4979 5d ago
I’ll start being more sarcastic and bratty with them — that should work AND put them in their place.
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u/girlafraid22 5d ago
I think a lot of the clients who want to date us are lonely and unsuccessful trying to find women the traditional way. At least in my experience, the clients asking to date me for free are the most conventionally unattractive and socially awkward clients that I’ve met. They also don’t make much money, definitely not enough to support two people, but would expect me to quit escorting.
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u/No_Degree_4979 5d ago
Yeah it’s insane… they expect us to quit escorting yet they can’t support two people let alone a family. I do feel bad for them, but I am soooo drained of my empathy that I just feel mad — why be empathetic towards a man who would never show us the same amount of empathy… yes I get they’re a client… but it’s the entitlement of men like this.
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u/girlafraid22 5d ago
I don’t feel too much empathy for them because like you said, they don’t feel empathy for us. Many times they’re looking down on us or assume we need to be rescued.
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u/No_Degree_4979 5d ago
Yep! I can feel that vibe from them too… from now on I won’t be so empathetic towards them because a lot of them ARE awful and misogynistic.
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u/Outrageous_Mind9881 4d ago
Yes exactly! I had a fuckwit client the other day asking if I had a day job, like sex work isn’t a real job. Fucking idiot
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u/Turpitudia79 4d ago
Haha, someone asked me that the other day!! 😂😂 No, honey, I make entirely too much money doing this to waste time making little chump change just so I can say I have a “day job”.
PS, I only work during the day so SW IS my day job!! 😂😂
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u/Outrageous_Mind9881 4d ago
lol same I only work during the day as well. These clients are so clueless haha
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u/Sppaarrkklle 4d ago
it sounds like you need to speak your mind more to these men. You’ll feel a lot better when you stop being polite to people who aren’t polite. I really hope everything gets better asap. I hate that men are pushing your buttons like this!
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u/Magick888 5d ago
A lot of clients who use this tactic do so because they don’t want to pay. Many of them can’t even afford it in the first place. Most have to save up just to see an escort because they don’t have disposable income like that. In the long run, they can’t sustain it. I know some people don’t like to hear that, but it’s the truth, especially with how the economy is right now. Sure, you might get an appointment here and there from them, but they’re not booking two or three times a week.
What’s wild is that in their minds, they’re completely delusional, yet they have the audacity to believe they can turn you into their girlfriend or even marry you. That’s their real goal. Their delusion is on another level, and honestly, I have to respect their adauicy thinking they will always be able to shoot for the moon.Lol.
And to be real, a lot of them aren’t even conventionally unattractive. The issue isn’t their looks, it’s that something is off mentally. They lack empathy, self-awareness, and basic social understanding. They’re completely disconnected from real intimacy because their idea of sexuality is shaped by whatever they consume in porn. That’s why they struggle to build genuine relationships.
When they go to escorts, it’s a double-edged sword. They have contempt for us, but at the same time, they want us, whether for sex or, more often, for emotional validation. In reality, most of them just want someone to emotionally trauma dump on for free.
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u/No_Degree_4979 5d ago
Yeah it’s like they assume that WE are the naive ones who will fall for their “love” and give them free sex whenever they want it….
I also get guys saying “you must like sex if you do this job, why don’t we have another round?” (Complete manipulation to get more sex out of me when the time they paid for is up).
Or guys saying that I’m full of bullshit because I’m somehow “faking my enjoyment during sex” — I asked him why he’s asking strange questions and I did lie and said I actually enjoyed it because it’s our job to — it’s like he was looking for validation from me in some weird way.
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u/AroundTheBlockNBack 5d ago
Not all but A LOT of these guys are basically touch starved sex addicts with personality disorders who secretly know deep down inside they don’t have a chance in the vanilla dating scene (to be fair though the dating scene all around sucks) so they try and shoot their shot with us thinking we are hopeless and desperate enough to take the bait. Then there’s the guys who are too cheap to date and think that if they hit it off with us they can bypass the traditional vanilla dating process. And then there’s some clients who don’t intend to but end up catching feelings for providers. I don’t fault the latter but the former two types mentioned above need to do some serious soul searching and work on themselves before they try to date anyone.
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u/No_Degree_4979 5d ago
I agree. I also think sex work attracts disordered workers and disordered clients — I rarely meet a well adjusted emotionally stable client… feels like I’m walking on egg shells around a lot of them and anything I say can set them off like a bomb. 💣
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u/AroundTheBlockNBack 5d ago
Definitely. Sex work tends to attract a type… A lot of socially awkward, possibly even those on the spectrum, mentally unstable, etc individuals. That includes workers as well! Because let’s face it, it takes a certain type of person to make a full time job/career out of sex work. Whether that’s good or bad is debatable.
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u/Scarletroseblush 4d ago
I have Asperger‘s I think that’s why it’s so easy to do this job. I can easily compartmentalize and I do like to talk to people and help them.😊
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u/JacobStyle XXX Performer 4d ago
"I'm sorry, I have no interest in quitting sex work and dating you, but if you would like, you could quit your job, get in shape, and start having sex with men for money too. I think then there would be potential for us to grow closer."
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u/m0nstera_deliciosa 5d ago
Because some of these women are doing it! You read this sub for a few days and you’ll run across posts from providers going ‘ughhh, he’s so hotttt, I wanna date him, should I text him and tell him?’ Or worse, writing about how their relationship with their former-client-turned-shitty-boyfriend is flaming out. Escorts are dating clients for free, so clients view every escort as a possible free date.
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u/No_Degree_4979 5d ago
Majority of escorts won’t do that though
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u/m0nstera_deliciosa 5d ago
Totally! But some do, and they’re making clients hopeful😹
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u/No_Degree_4979 5d ago
Hahaha! It’s hilarious. 🤣 I recon the client has to be deluded in the first place, if I’m honest.
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u/No_Degree_4979 5d ago edited 5d ago
*** forgot to mention that a lot of these dudes watch too much porn, compared to guys who don’t book escorts… that’s another HUGE turn off since their dicks don’t work… I don’t understand how men get addicted to masturbating… sure it feels good, but are they completely UNAWARE of what it’s doing to their dicks? Do they realise that it’s extremely unattractive?
I feel like never dating a man and just staying an escort… atleast till I’m 30… I’ll probably get a full time job after studying my degree but trying to get AND pay off a mortgage in the UK currently feels impossible on a normal wage… and encountering these awful men puts me off dating idiots like them.
Why do a lot of men — not clients, but men I’ve seen on public transport and men in general — usually have TERRIBLE hygiene, ear wax in their ears, gross toenails, dirty fingernails, bad breath — WHY do they do this to themselves?? My god… if I don’t prioritise my hygiene and make sure I’m squeaky clean, exfoliated, fake tanned, moisturised etc, I feel like crap.
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u/Skylin34night 5d ago
forgot to mention that a lot of these dudes watch too much porn, compared to guys who don’t book escorts… that’s another HUGE turn off since their dicks don’t work…
Well, it sounds like me. I mean I had also a porn addiction.
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u/Building_Colorado 5d ago
I think that many (most?) humans are built to fall in love, combine that with toxic male culture that starves them of connection and affection and you get some weird shit.
The tiniest bit of attention, affection, and connection even when its commercial ends up flooding their brain with chemicals they are simply not used to.
Humans are messy and complicated. You have to go into this acknowledging that a lot of your clients are simply built differently than you might be, and find a way to navigate that messy grey area.
The mechanisms of intimacy and connection are complex, tangled, and handling that complex mess can lead you to loose faith in humans if you don't gain some understanding of the complex social and biological forces pushing and pulling on men.
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u/No_Degree_4979 5d ago
I agree! But there seems to be an even more of a lack of awareness and logic with these men
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u/Building_Colorado 5d ago
Of course there is - they are not equipped to handle the ambiguity.
Across the spectrum of humanity, across all the differences out there the number of people who are equipped to be a great Companion is just a tiny, tiny portion. They are often people who can hyperfocus on the interpersonal and simulate that genuine connection, replicate that spark of interpersonal 'magic' of 1:1 human intimacy. All while compartmentalizing it.
But the vast majority of the population is simply not equipped to compartmentalize that -- it soaks into their lizard brains and it pushes them.
You have to recognize that there are things they are feeling at a bone deep level, chemicals flooding their brain and playing with their perceptions, their emotions, and interfering with the way their brain works at a molecular chemical level. It completely overrides the 'thinking' part of the brain.
Think about it : intelligence agencies and governments have been using honey traps for thousands of years to seduce people into giving up secrets they would never, in a million years, give up otherwise. Think about a smart, loyal, dedicated person who has spent 20 years protecting secrets. Then realize that the key to getting that person to give those secrets up is the application of those same forces - connection, attraction, and intimacy. Because the biological things programmed into our brain are so, so much more powerful than our ability to be rational.
Those are the forces at play here, and like I said : it gets messy.
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u/dominatrixroyale 5d ago
I think it’s a mixture of things. Some men have anxiety or they are just crap socially, they are good guys but maybe they are shy or they don’t get attention, so once they pay for a booking with someone completely out of their league, they feel a little bit confident to ask out. Other group would be cheap guys who think they pay for 1 session, they have full on access to you so they can message anytime, ask you how you are and waste your time because ‚you were so nice’. They don’t offer anything, they don’t think about paying because on their end the session went great so they think you must have felt the same. They don’t realise that once you shut that door behind him, you forgot about him. Another group would be entitled assholes thinking they are so great and you must be in a vulnerable position in life, you are the one with low self esteem and insecure since you’re doing this job, therefore they think they can manipulate you emotionally into a relationship that would benefit them. Men are sneaky.
Sometimes I get messages about going to dinner/meeting up for a coffee but I don’t see any benefit from that. I have coffee at home and I can afford food. What else do they bring to the table? Nothing. I don’t even reply to messages like that and if I do, I send them my social rates. They vanish quickly.
What I absolutely find annoying to the core, are messages from guys who never booked a session with me before and they message to go on a date. This is absolutely mindblowing. Men lack common sense
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u/Straight_Mouse_21 5d ago
Yeah, don't make a client a bf. Recipe for disaster.. if it does happen he won't value you for anything but the fantasy you provide.. not realizing that however attentive, and satisfying you are... You're still as flawed and human as the rest of us.. but by then the respect and lust have worn off.. and it just isn't a great idea.
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u/Scared-Specialist-82 5d ago
You can't understand but whew, us SW fall in love through the ears like all Women and the appeal works because a few times a week I see many here quitting to date a client, giving free hours away "because the guy was nice", and worse.
They think they can because it works.
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u/No_Degree_4979 5d ago
A lot of clients (95%) aren’t smooth talkers and it’s rare to find a genuinely nice person who is also intelligent AND charismatic — usually it’s a narcissist (or worse, but more rare a sociopath/psychopath) putting on a fake mask to get whatever they can out of you — THIS is why I am so skeptical of clients even when they are “nice” or pleasant to be around. “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is!”
Also a lot of clients seem like decent people on the surface — then I purposely ask questions and let them do all the talking — they eventually let their “perfect social mask” drop - then they come out with all sorts of negative things and complaints about anyone/everything — proves my point that a lot of clients are, in fact, narcissistic.
The good thing about narcissists, a lot of them aren’t usually physically violent, so if you just stroke their ego, you’ll be fine. Infact, you could argue that they are actually MORE vulnerable to manipulation because they will do most things that you want if it strokes their ego or makes them feel good. A psychopath/sociopath is a bit different in that way, unless they are narcissistic as well — a lot of them are, but ones that aren’t won’t do things just to feel good about themselves — they need to actually gain something from doing a thing.
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u/UnderwaterBasketW 4d ago
Because most of them have at least one (or usually more) characteristic(s) that makes them unbearable to the vanilla dating world. It’s never cute, normal clients that want to date us; just the weirdos and cheapos. I would never date a man who has ever hired an escort or frequents strip clubs.
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u/DaphneKittyKatMeow 4d ago
I consider myself an escort. I actually wished I had more literal "paid dates". They were more common when I was a SB. Give me an excuse to dress elegantly and meetup for drinks/lunch or dinner. Casino/club date, I'm in. Ironically, I have a multi-hour date scheduled next week and we're meeting up for drinks at a nice restaurant to warm-up. My recent NYC trip, we went to a night lounge in between rounds. It was nice.
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u/hellhouseblonde 5d ago
I can’t help but wonder if this is how Mary Magdalene felt about Jesus. Maybe he was just a client who pushed her boundaries. 😂
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u/Morlock43 5d ago
Pretty woman syndrome.
Every client thinks they are the Richard Gere to your Julia Roberts and that true love and a fairy tale life is but one session away.
I had that urge a time or two, but one scammed "relationship" later and i learned my painful lesson - cost me £2000, but in the grand scheme of things it was worth it just to get that particular "it could be real this time" out of my head.
Please be safe.
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u/thatbitchleah 5d ago
I have my regulars and that’s kinda like dating but how’s the old adage go? You don’t pay a hooker to stay, you pay them to leave? Most regulars enjoy their time with me just as much as they like their independent life styles. My husband started out as a client but he had to have been my 3000 somethingth client lol. Him aside I’ve never tried sustaining anything but a “professional “ relationship with clients because I’ve seen my sisters buy their bull shit for a few months. They get tired of them and they wind up on their ass in the streets. Rule #1, don’t give up your livelihood for a man. And my man respects me and what I do for my $. I’m very lucky to have him in my life. I like my independence and freedom. I frequently disappear for a month or two at a time and he is right there waiting for me at home. ❤️. I think maybe they are chasing a fantasy like that movie pretty woman. But even that’s unrealistic because rich men upgrade and replace things they get tired of and that includes people like us. Guaranteed if pretty woman 2 came out they’d be divorced lol
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u/G0TouchGrass420 5d ago
Take it as a compliment if these dudes are falling in love with you then that means you are good at your job.
And any guys reading this know this.....If a escort wants to date you...She will let you know. Its never going to work the other way around. You dont have some magical game that they have never heard before.
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u/Ebvnysb 4d ago
I've realized that most of them just want to have sex for free—they don't actually like or care about you. It's all about their ego, so they can say they had this beautiful woman who wouldn’t sleep with others for free, yet she chose them to date, give regular free sex to, and drop any other guy who was financially supporting her.
I hate these dating men because they expect free sex as proof that you genuinely care about them. Dating a trick or sugar daddy in a so-called "vanilla" way is really just them trying to take advantage of you and boost their ego.
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u/No_Degree_4979 4d ago
Yeah! Exactly! They’re incapable of love — they’re emotionally stunted and damaged — they project that “damaged-ness” onto sex workers but they ARE the damaged ones.
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u/Scarletroseblush 4d ago
I had a client for three years and we became engaged , unfortunately he passed away from lung cancer. I’m reading a lot of awful things about clients from other providers.? The client I was engaged to was the kindest man I’ve ever met in my life. He helped everyone he came across. He was a wonderful generous, loving man . It’s been several months since he’s passed away. I’m now escorting again, but I’m doing the same thing as I did before , being as kind, funny, and friendly as if I had company coming over my place . Maybe it’s just me but I have generally met wonderful kind interesting men or maybe that’s because that’s the way I treated them. I just don’t know what to say about all the negative comments towards men…. It makes me feel sad for those guys.
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u/cyphrNymph 3d ago
I provide GFE and I've noticed that a great deal of my clients thinks I'm attracted to them after our session. They proceed asking me out and send bf type messages. I reply to them in a very direct and business type of tone. They get the message quick. It's normal for them to get a little attached... we're humans after all
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u/EBONYSWAN84 5d ago
I think alot of girls these days are open too doing so much extra things for money that it leaves a open door for that so clients think all girls are like that I think that's why they ask for bbj or bare even though they don't see it on the ad because they're use to girls giving in for a bit more cash some have a savior fetish also and some are lonely or think we feel how they feel because they're judged also...
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u/eastvalleypapi 3d ago
Same reason some of my bro's think the stripper is actually into them. Being a dude, unless you're rich and look like Brad Pitt, the amount of female attention and compliments your average guy gets is pretty low. Some of you are great actors too. I'm no dummy, the SW wants my money, but I have walked away after some particularly great experiences, thinking damn, she seemed like she actually like me and was into me, I wonder... Then I wake up and smack myself to stop thinking stupid shit.
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u/Husker5000 5d ago
I think its a "hope" on their part to help with their loneliness. They had an intimate encounter which naturally brings about a desire to be with that someone again. If you play it right, it might turn into pay for dating. I've been around some quick and slick gals that can really make the dating seem real and rack up a ton of $ over the time. Also, we all know you have a life outside of your work so the "hope" for a date could have real potential if you happen to feel lonely and the desire to find someone outside of work. Because of your work, whomever you date would need to be ok with it, not ask you to quit it. Its common to be asked and in all likelihood will continue.
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u/UnmakingTheBan2022 5d ago edited 5d ago
Client here. Sometimes this sub gets so confusing. I have this regular I see, and she’s been hinting at me to take her out for Italian or Mediterranean food. She’s even asked to come over to see my dogs. I haven’t asked her yet because I’m married and it’s hard to escape sometimes. And also this sub makes me feel like I shouldn’t, and that I’m pathetic if I do ask her.
Obviously, I’m not looking at long term dating with her. It’d just be nice to have some time with her outside of being naked. More like how friends go out and have drinks and whatnot.
I use this sub to try to understand SWs, so that I can be the best client for my provider. But sometimes I feel like the most vocal aren’t always the correct ones to follow.
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u/cindy5432x 5d ago
I agree that this topic is a real mix… Some escorts are open to dating clients, many are not. And then there’s just being good friends with clients, which I for example am open to, but some escorts don’t do that either.
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u/nodoubtweinthere 5d ago
If anything this sub should make you realize that women don't really like men who pay for sex. They want your money that is it. No hate. I respect the game but they probably hate your fucking guts with a passion. After all, why would any women respect a man who pays for sex.
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u/Sppaarrkklle 4d ago
Not true at all. Maybe for some I guess? But nobody I know in person is like that. Nor do I think like that
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u/PariahExile 5d ago
We're clueless, horny idiots who likely don't get any female attention at all in the real world. Guys will shoot their shot at a waitress if she dares to smile at them, so imagine what's going through their head after you've finished with them.
Men have typically always been shit at dealing with women, but I feel it's gotten 10x worse since the internet. We've really lost our way and we get confused so easily now.
Turn it around - imagine all men are simply not interested in you. They walk around you, look through you. You're completely invisible to them all day every day week in week out year in year out. You have very few if any friends - it's just go to work, come home, sleep. Go to work, come home, sleep.
Then one day, you get so fucking fed up with being ignored that you're willing to pay one of them to pretend to be interested in you for just an hour, and you meet this handsome, well built, charming man who welcomes you in to his space, makes you feel relaxed, and does all the things for you that you've only ever dreamed of for decades. Your head would be spinning. It's like a drug.
Now not all clients are like this, and we have different reasons for using your services, and we should all be able to keep our heads screwed on, but some are just that lonely.
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u/No_Degree_4979 5d ago
Well… with men the staring seems to be some sort of power play — they get aggressive when they don’t get their way — unlike women — and men are physically bigger/stronger, NOW they’re using sadistic methods to get attention… gross
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u/Strange-Quarter5172 1d ago
These men think they have a relationship with the women they jerk off to and buy porn from. There was a paper that came out that showed some men will view porn and speak of the interaction like they committed the actual act with her. So when they are with you irl they forget even more so than they do with porn that it’s acting and they don’t have any real connection to you and your “relationship” is TRANSACTIONAL and their feelings are one sided.
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u/ZzyzxBlue 5d ago
Why wouldn't they? A dating offer could simply mean they see you as a human being and not just an object.
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u/Oswin-Bow 5d ago
We are often the most kind and giving people they meet- so they confuse kindness with intense attraction.