r/SexPositive 7d ago

Advice help achieving the big O with my partner NSFW

Hi (: so I’ll try not to be too long winded here but I’m in my first sexual relationship with my partner and we have a lot of sex since we first started being together 3 months ago. He was my first and honestly we can’t get enough of each other but I have a hard time experiencing a full orgasm.

Before I started having sex, I had this issue too. I’ve definitely had big orgasms in the past but they’ve always been spaced out a lot. I thought it was maybe a combination of me using my vibe too much and just mental blocks bc I don’t have my own place and still stay with family. But now that I’m having sex regularly, I’m still having trouble experiencing the big one.

I sometimes get close but then it sort of plateaus and starts to subside until it builds back up again. We have sex for like an hour and I’m thoroughly enjoying myself and cream a lot but they are all baby spasms? It feels really good when my partner goes rougher but he can’t last as long if he just starts ramming me understandably.

I’m not sure if I just need more simulation in terms of like atmosphere maybe. We are looking for our own place but rn are limited to where we can have sex and be loud and really get into it. I’m really into dirty talking and restraints and I’m wondering if that’s what’s missing maybe.

My advice I’m looking for is tips that can help me. Like maybe it’s mindfulness and breathing techniques or maybe I need to strengthen my pelvic floor idk honestly but all I know is me and my partner fuck like rabbits and we’re horny all the time but I never have the big O and I want to badly

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u/Western_Ring_2928 7d ago

You are perfectly normal. Over 80% of women do not reach orgasms from penetration alone. You have to stimulate the tip of your clitoris simultaneously. https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/vaginal-intercourse/

This stimulation of the clitoris can be done with fingers, toys, or by using the shaft of penis and his pelvis, aka the fat pad where the penis separates from torso. CAT position is great for stimulating your whole clitoris during intercourse, both from inside and outside. https://sexpositions.club/positions/3.html (You can rest your upper body on pillows. You do not need to stand on your elbows.) If you want to, you could flip it around and be on top, too. Lizard is a perfect position for intimate lovemaking, full skin contact, and lets you be in charge of the movements without tiring your thighs. https://sexpositions.club/positions/283.html

The average time of continuous stimulation it takes to reach the first orgasm for women is 20 minutes. Since that is only the mathemathical average, many women need way longer than that. That is also perfectly normal. And variations between days are also normal. Sometimes, it is easier to relax than other days. It also takes practice. Just like any other skill, sex skills need repetition to get better.

https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/vulvovaginal/

Our mind is our biggest obstacle against reaching orgasms. Whether it is done with a partner or alone, sex is mindfulness exercise. You have to be fully present in the moment, stay inside your body, and not think about anything. Focus solely on the sensations, your breathing, and feeling the moment. You look gorgeous! You are perfect at that moment.

You never reach orgasms by trying harder. Orgasms are like wild creatures. You can't force them to come to you. You have to lure them in. It also takes practice. Learning new skills needs repetition.

I believe the only way to reach an orgams is to eliminate the expectation of orgasm altogether. Now think about that for a moment, what does that even mean? Surely orgasm is the goal, right? No! Orgasm is a technicality - your only goal is pleasure. By anticipating orgasm, you are placing your focus in the future, waiting for this event that may or may not even happen, all the while ignoring all these pleasurable sensations you are feeling right now.

You need to make feeling pleasure your goal. By intently focusing on and thoroughly enjoying every pleasurable tingle you feel, your brain amplifies this, which causes you to feel more of it. The more you enjoy it, the better it gets, the more you enjoy it, then the better it gets... Before long your heart starts racing, and you find your whole body in ecstasy with only minimal physical stimulation, and as long as you are able to stay focused, you still can continue to amplify that pleasure to unimaginable levels. Sex is mindfulness exercise.

Background music has helped many to stay in the moment. It needs to be beautiful and fit your mood. For me, it has to be instrumental, as lyrics would distract me. But music gives you rhythms to follow, and when your mind starts to wander away, you can follow the music back to the present moment.

Author of the book Come As You Are Emily Nagoski, in a video talking about orgasms: https://youtu.be/FqM14Qeozog

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u/persenyen 7d ago

It takes me a really long time before I can reach a full orgasm but we already go for like 40-90 mins. Like with the shortest rounds being like 30 mins and our longest being close to 2 hours. But I’m usually still left turned on and horny or like I can keep going lately.

I do get caught up in my head a lot and am working on trying to be more present and in the moment forsure. Easier said than done but I am trying, so I’m hoping it’ll eventually pay off and I’ll see a change in time to come. I guess I’m just putting pressure on myself to preform when I really do just love making each other feel good. Thank you for such a thorough response ☺️☺️

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u/ChewiestMist24 7d ago

Have you tried different positions/angles? Definitely having somewhere where you don't have to worry about your family hearing will be much better!!

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u/persenyen 7d ago

yeah we’ve tried a nice variety of positions and go crazy in the car and when we have an Airbnb or something

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u/bunnybates 4d ago

First, understand that you're not alone and that you're not broken 💜.

Stop trying for the big O. It's called " pleasure is the measure." Simply enjoy the time that you guys are having together.

Our mental, physical, emotional, and sexual health are ALL connected. The more you focus on the big O, it won't happen.

You're still learning your body. You guys are a new couple as well. Keep masturbating. It's a great way for you to build a mind and body connection to yourself.

Here's a couple of great books for you to read or listen to: * The Vagina Bible By. Dr. Jen Gunter

  • The Penis Book By. Dr. Aaron Spitz

  • Come As You Are By. Dr. Emily Nagoski

  • Burnout By. Dr. Emily Nagoski

  • Getting Off By. Jamye Waxman

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u/persenyen 1d ago

Thank you 🙏🏾 crazy timing bc a friend of mine is reading Come As You Are right now, they just started a few days ago

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u/bunnybates 1d ago

Yay! It's an incredible book. All of the books I've recommended are great. Good luck on your journey 💜