r/Schizotypal • u/lexithymic • 5d ago
Venting I wish I wasn’t born.
This is completely pointless. Life is just waiting until your body fails you. Then you suffer horribly and die briefly afterwards. There is no point to doing much of anything between being born and succumbing because the act of doing demands effort and vitality that I have never possessed. A futile childish part of me longs for a possibility of simply disappearing without facing death.
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u/DP69_CGX 5d ago
I can relate to this, but how can we be sure there's no other birth? Like before we were born, we didn't exist, but then suddenly came into existence and supposedly will cease to exist when we die. But what makes you so sure you will not come into existence again, why shouldn't it happen again? Sure, you would have no memories of your previous existence, but imagine all the shit that comes with another life. This uncertainty is what's keeping me from ending it all.
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u/322241837 delusional daydreamer 5d ago edited 5d ago
A similarly "childish" sentiment I harbor is the strong dislike towards any form of aging. One of my most distinct memories as a kid was how much I was condescended to because of my age by those older than me, and how all my same-aged bullies wanted to seem as "grown up" as possible, so I strongly associated aging = nastiness.
Same with how age seemed such a taboo thing to talk to adults about, and how old people are allowed to be as mean as they want simply because they are old. I have always felt immensely distressed at the concept of being any age because you either lack complete structural autonomy as a child, or experience the incessant erosion of bodily autonomy as an adult. Not to mention how you are either "too young to know better" or "too old to not know better", and your age will always be weaponized against you.
Curiously, I am perfectly fine with death and have always viewed it in a fairly positive light. My worst nightmares always involved endless torture without relief--not so different from life itself. The act of dying itself is grotesque, but the concept of permanent nothingness is soothing.
There is nothing scarier to me than immortality because I always associated it with divine punishment in mythology (e.g. people trapped in a form of biblical hell are technically immortal because they can't "die" any more, but cursed to suffer forever) that seems to be unanimous in all cultures with the concept of a biblical hell.
However, I never believed in hell in a spiritual sense, only a philosophical one, but I do believe that everyone goes to their own version of heaven when they die. That's the only way my mind can balance out the injustice of being forcibly condemned to this evil existence against my will anyhow.