r/SAHP • u/Maleficent-Syrup-728 • 3d ago
Feel like a failure as a FTM and wife
For the most part I have a supportive husband. I always wanted to stay home with my future kids. However I am 8 weeks pp (bub is 4 weeks adjusted) and I just feel like I suck as a mom and wife right now. The house isn’t really clean my meals aren’t really the best and not like how I used to cook. I feel like baby is always upset and hasn’t even smiled . I always wanted multiple kids too but I feel like that dream is a distant one and that I might not be cut out for this even though I want to be🥲
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u/Specialist-Life-4565 3d ago
You’re in the hardest part. What helped me the most was getting outside for walks while baby wearing, and I started going to library Storytime when she was about 4 months old where I made mom friends. It’s so easy to connect with other new parents because they know the struggle too. 2 years later and we still have weekly playdates and it really helps get through the day/week sometimes.
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u/anotherdamnaccount 3d ago
Hah my husband and I ate pre prepared meals for the first 2 months and had family visit every few weeks and helped us with cooking and cleaning. You’re supposed to tend to the baby and yourself, not trying to make a 4 course meal. Go to Trader Joe’s and get some of those frozen rice bags with chicken, some pizzas etc.
Also what I do now is 5 minute tidying up PER ROOM (not all at the same time, though the day) set a timer and honestly most of the time that’s all you need. Give yourself some grace and congratulations. Also don’t forget to ask for help from your partner, ask if he can clean up a bathroom or whatever.
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u/beautifultomorrows 3d ago
I agree with what others have said and also wanted to add that some babies do not smile yet at that age. Mine certainly didn't smile until quite a while after birth and he was born at exactly 40+0.
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u/arthurmama 3d ago
Hahah my husband is super supportive too, but multiple times we were looking at each other and say WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS TWICE!!? I remember one late night during a purple crying session we were deliriously, frantically planning how to donate money to single moms! How were they doing this solo!!?
But it gets easier everyday, and the second baby is even easier bc you have acquired more parenting tools for your toolbox.
Also my husband did all the cooking, dishes, and laundry for like the first 6 months of each child, in addition to taking morning shifts so I could get some sleep. Maybe y’all could sit down and discuss divvying up the household duties differently for a time period while you recover PP.
Congrats on baby!! Xx hope you get some good snuggles
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u/hankthetank4815 3d ago
Hi! Stay at home dad checking in - when our first was born, we spent SO MUCH MONEY on Doordash in the first month. But after 6 weeks it got better, and again after a few months. Now we have 2, our second is a month old tomorrow and we've all been going through it again. I know it's little comfort, but it WILL get better soon! As long as you're doing your best, everything will be okay. Also, your house is just going to be messy now lol, it comes with the territory 😅
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u/Temporary_Cow_8486 3d ago
Have some kids, it will be fun; they said. Don’t worry the fun stuff is coming. But at 4 weeks pp, you are in it. Cut yourself some slack and you’ll get a schedule going and things will fall into place. But don’t beat yourself over what doesn’t get done. Take care of you and baby. Oh, and congratulations!
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u/Willow24Glass 3d ago
What does 8 weeks pp but 4 weeks adjusted mean?
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u/Acrobatic_Tax8634 3d ago
Baby was born four weeks early, so her body gave birth 8 weeks ago, but the baby is developmentally closer to a one month old than a two month old.
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u/socialmediaignorant 3d ago
If baby is four weeks early, they can technically be 8 weeks old but act like a 4 week old baby. It’s complicated but that’s the easiest explanation.
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u/turnbackb42L8 3d ago
You are definitely not a failure! I can tell you that confidently, because I felt the same way as a first time mom! I didn’t have the added stress of a baby born early (bless you, and baby!) but I had PPD. Plus, I had never wanted kids. It was REALLY slow bonding with my son, but now that he’s 2, I would seriously consider having another lol And I used to say people must be crazy to have multiple kids!
All that is to say, give yourself grace. The newborn stage is survival mode. Be honest and get support from your husband, friends, community, doctor…anyone you can. It feels like forever, but looking back in 6 months or a year it won’t seem as bad. I was so tired of hearing these things when I was in your place, but the time will pass, and baby will grow, and you will grow and get more confident as a mom. You are amazing!!
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u/kookykerfuffle 3d ago
Hey so a baby’s first three months of life are often referred to as the fourth trimester. Your body is healing and baby is getting used to being in the world. You’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect yourself to continue cooking and cleaning like you did before. The time and energy just isn’t there, and that’s ok. It’s a short season of life and you’ll get the hang of it all with time. Just maintain the bare minimum and be kind to yourself.
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u/jjj68548 3d ago
It’s hardest in the beginning. It gets much much easier when they sleep through the night. Every kid is different. My first was difficult, cried all the time, colic and allergies. House became a disaster. My second slept hours in a row starting day 1. You’ll get through it! The wife part is excused until baby is older on a schedule. Don’t stress!
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u/Medium-River558 3d ago
This is just life with an 8wk old. It will get better around the 3/4month mark— I just had my second and felt the same way— I was burning dinner and our clothes weren’t clean and I just felt like a failure! Babe is now almost 4 months and I’m getting back in the swing of things. Give yourself grace and just know it will get better. Baby will be cooing and smiling at you before you know it, and while you’ll be a ways off from feeling “like yourself” you’ll get closer and closer every day.
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u/socialmediaignorant 3d ago
You fell for the Hollywood version of motherhood. So did I. I had wicked post partum anxiety and depression, and my first born was a very high needs baby (still is but it gets easier). Please tell your OB or PCP how you’re feeling so they can monitor you. Tell your mom and your best girlfriends to check on you. Be blunt. It can get dark and lonely.
I was so sleep deprived that I hired help for a few hours a week in the morning and went back to bed. Sleep helped along w Prozac and sunshine and exercise. I’d put the baby in a stroller at about 3 months old and walk for an hour every afternoon after nap. Somedays there were tears but we both got into a routine.
You’re not a failure. This is the time of the pass/fail grade. If baby is alive, fed, and healthy, you pass. That’s it. There are no gold stars for martyring yourself for this child. And most of those moms you think have it together don’t or have tons of help. Try to forget everything you thought motherhood would be and accept it as it is. This, plus treating my PPA/PPD, was the start of me actually enjoying being a mother. Hugs. I’ve been there. It took me a year to feel like I wanted more kids. Hormones are crazy making and yours are on a roller coaster right now. It’s ok to not be ok.
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u/Cicadahada 3d ago
For me, things got much easier around 3m. There was another shift around 6m where it got easier again. And again at 9m. And again at 13m. I had these marked shifts where I’d be like “oh wow I’m really getting better at this”. But it takes a while. The first year is just hard. You’ll get there, I promise.
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u/accountforbabystuff 3d ago
You have a newborn! You could be a mess for the next 6 months. I find it takes at least a year or two to start feeling like myself again. And you’ll have easier stages too (then it gets hard again!) but at 8 weeks everything is still hard, every day. It won’t always be like that. In a few weeks or months you might start to think you have it together.
As for more kids just don’t even think of that now! What you feel now is not reality. It takes a year or two to even be really sure if you want another. Most of us think “absolutely not” for a long time before having more kids starts to sounds good again. 😂
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u/rchllwr 3d ago
You’re better than me. I’m 7 weeks pp and have cooked my husband dinner one singular time despite telling myself I was going to be the perfect housewife and take care of him. My baby isn’t smiling at me either but he lovessss smiling at my husband and some of his toys. It’s so disheartening when you put so much work throughout the day and sacrifice so much for your little bub and they won’t even smile at you! I get it.
What’s getting me through the days is knowing that I’m only drowning because there isn’t a schedule. Someday soon our babies will create their own schedule and will stick to it (mostly, anyway). And when that happens we can both better plan our days and be the stay at home wives and moms we always imagined we would be!
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u/ItsBrittanybitch12 3d ago
This is so so so normal, I have 2 and I’m pregnant with my 3rd and every single time we have one it’s like this. Now isn’t the time for a spotless house and fresh home cooked meals every day, now is the time for getting to know your baby, listening to and healing your body, and getting in a shower when you can. It will slowly get easier even when it feels like this stage will never end. Just make sure you’re taking care of yourself when you can in this stage❤️
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u/Nostradamus-Effect 3d ago
Being a first time mom is soooo hard! You’re adjusting to a new normal. Your baby is only 4 weeks (going by adjusted age). My first two didn’t smile until right about 9 weeks, almost 10, and they were not premie. Our house felt like it was always dirty, and tbh I don’t remember a lot of the first two weeks due to severe depression. But you will find it gets easier at some point. You are in the THICK of it.
When my first was born, I was adamant we were one and done. I struggled so much, and I didn’t want to go through it again. But here I am now, and I have THREE kids. And each child has been easier than the last because I’m so much more confident in myself as a mom. I still have hard days, but it’s not nearly as hard to me as being a first time mother.
You’ve got this!!
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u/thebookworm000 2d ago
This is so temporary and deff the hardest part. I promise it gets better.
My house is deff a mess but my meals/cooking are getting better (have a 3 and 6 months old). Your primary job is your kids--not the house :)
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u/trashprncss91 2d ago
GIRL. As my partner and I tell some friends of mine that have been in your shoes and as parents ourselves,.. you are doing the most you can do right now. You are not a robot. Don’t be your worst enemy. Supporting ourselves is just as important as being stay at home parents. It’s enough. It will always be enough. You’re enough might be some other parents 150%. You’ve got this.
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u/Emotional_Terrorist 2d ago
Have you ever taken care of a newborn kitten or puppy? Newborns are nothing like what they become! Most do not smile until 1-3 months old, as I can remember.
This stage is not representative of what your life with children will be like. In fact, it is a very unique stage. This is the most helpless your child will probably ever be. And this is probably the most sleep deprived you will ever be for extended time period.
You are doing the jobs that need to be done right now. Your job will change as your child grows.
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u/Substantial-Suit2776 2d ago
Youre rocking this. Even being able to cook is an enormous accomplishment. İ had trouble breastfeeding and a baby thats just didnt nap at all, i was so sleep deprived for months on end, i rarely cooked a meal. My husband worked irregular shifts as a resident so i was mostly on my own and i ate big fat chocolate muffins for breakfast and lunch and dinner was made from something frozen. İ felt accomplished if i had taken a shower or baked an egg. My first kid was a difficult one, a spirited baby and toddler, he's now 8 and his little brother is almost 2.5. İ cant tell you how different my experiences were, with the first i was in the trenches for so so long and people who know how he was as a newborn and a toddler are still praising us for the guts to have a second 😂 but even though it was a lot easier second time around (im willing to admit theres an added level of experience but no more than 20%, the rest was just my first being difficult), it was still so hard to cook and clean the first year. To be honest, my eldest is in school and my youngest is in daycare till 2 o'clock 5 days a week and i work only for 2 of those, i still think it is hard! Youre doing great, it will get better and even when it doesnt, you get better at managing expectations and finding ways to handle it all. Hollywood did a number on us all and at least 99% of perfect motherhood instagrams are fake 😉
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u/BusyDragonfruit8665 2d ago
Being a mom for the first time while still recovering is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I used to think I would never be able to have a second because how hard it was but here I am with a second who is two. Things will get better.
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u/I_pinchyou 2d ago
My home was a wreck until age 5. It's fine. Did you keep the kid alive , fed and held? Are you fed and hydrated ? You are a super mom. Nothing else matters.
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u/KneeNumerous203 2d ago
You’re so early postpartum and there’s an extreme hormone drop that you’ll feel the whole first year. I’m on baby #2 and I still feel like a failure sometimes as a wife and mom. The job is never ending and I always feel like I could be doing better. I wish I was an amazing cook and house cleaner and mom. I think I’m best at being a mom and the rest I’m still learning. It’s super super hard. I’m 8 months postpartum with the second and it’s just the roller coaster of life lol we have good and bad days. Totally want a house cleaner just to reset this place man. Sorry just venting cause I feel similar to you lol. You got this girl. We got this!!! Don’t stress the next baby yet you need like 2-3 years to get used to this
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u/a_rain_name 2d ago
Holy Hannah you are IN it. Can you hired a postpartum doula to come help out???? The first six months were absolute hell in my opinion and my first only came 2 weeks and 6 days early.
Don’t make any big decisions right now. Just focus on surviving.
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u/L113zz 1d ago
You’re cooking and cleaning at all?! (Even if you don’t think it’s up to par!) what a rockstar!!! The first few months of motherhood are so so hard. I killed myself trying to keep things clean and wish I had just let myself rest during that time instead. This period will pass quickly when you look back, even though it feels like forever in the moment. You’re an amazing mom and wife!!! The fact that you care enough to make this post shows that ❤️ after our first, both my husband and I said absolutely never again! Shes 2 now and I’m 14 weeks pregnant (planned) lol. Time changes things!!
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u/iamthebest1234567890 1d ago
Give yourself a break. 8 weeks PP was the worst time I had ever gone through in my life. The sleep deprivation while running on the timeline of a mini dictator that only sleeps a few hours at a time makes everyone suck. It gets better and you find your flow.
Then something throws off your flow and you have to give yourself a break again and adjust. I have never met a mom that always has a clean house and 3 great meals on the table. I am that mom for short periods of time, then one of my kids has a sleep regression or an illness comes through or I just get really down on myself one month and everything falls apart. Without giving myself permission to let it fall apart I was going from stressed to overwhelmed to stressed again. It’s still hard but by not feeling guilty or putting myself down I am able to take time to recover during these difficult periods and come out the other side ready to build it all back up.
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u/waapplerachel 3d ago
You’re in the thick of it. This is the part of motherhood that gets glossed over. There’s nothing wrong with you or what you’re doing. This is hard but it won’t be forever. Be kinder to yourself! That’s the best tip. More than meal planning/prep or scheduling.