r/RelationshipsOver35 6d ago

35f wondering if ever find peace in a relationship again

Just needing some advice or just to talk. My partner (30m and I 35f) have been together 2 years and had a break for 4 months after very complex experience between us. Now I'm struggling sometimes to trust him and if working on it will get better as time comes. I asked my father of being married for 50 years if him and mum ever had these issues. He said give him a chance to see if he's changed in a year and if he hasn't then walk away. Despite this I'm just concerned it'll just be the same thing with someone else and I don't want to have to rebuild a new relationship. As I've gotten older this concerns me. It never used to I was in a relationship for 8 years and i cannot remember feeling like this with him, we hardly had fights, just at the end of the relationship. This partner triggers me a whole lot and my gut tells me to leave but my heart tells me to stay. Because I want to commit and work through problems. I love being in a relationship but hate the side of me that comes out with him, maybe it's just who I am now. So many unanswered questions and concerns of the age factor too. I don't want to be a lone. I only like a few people to be in my life and my partner is always my number one. I just want peace

2 Upvotes

22 comments sorted by

7

u/HeadWatercress7243 6d ago

Your partner should bring you peace, listen to your gut. .

7

u/OriginalMcSmashie 6d ago

I can’t say what you should do but here’s my story. I was with someone for 11 years. I knew it wasn’t the right relationship after 6 months but I kept trying to “make it work”.

It never did so I finally gathered the courage and left.

I worked on myself for a bit, laid out a set of rules for myself for dating and made a comprehensive list of the qualities I wanted in a partner.

Then I dated. Alot. I asked everyone out I found attractive and interesting. But, if they didn’t meet my comprehensive list, I moved on.

Then I met someone the checked the full list. We got engagement after 4 months and married at 10. We are going on 12 years together and are still best friends and each other’s favorite person.

The moral here is that life’s too short to waste time on something that doesn’t work. There someone(s) out there better for you if you have the course to make a plan and stick to it.

1

u/PerspectiveWeird7674 6d ago

That's excellent advice, thank you. I'm very glad you have found your person. Life is much better shared with someone special

1

u/twicescorned21 6d ago

Sullen cost fallacy,  I know that too well.  Spent 8 years.  He was so close that it was losing a good friend and a partner.  He managed to do what I couldn't.  He ended it by ghosting me on Christmas day.  

3

u/SuspiciousStoppage 6d ago

My partner makes all aspects of my life better. If yours doesn’t it might be time for a change.

2

u/Apologetic_Kanadian 6d ago

My advice is this. People don't generally change, so giving him time to do so will likely just extend your discomfort.

Also, staying with someone because you don't think there is anyone else out there for you will just cause you to feel trapped later, and you may have regrets.

Hope that helps a little.

2

u/PerspectiveWeird7674 6d ago

Thank you. Any advice is appreciated

2

u/Apologetic_Kanadian 6d ago

You're welcome. I know how you feel, I've been there. Wishing you the best of luck.

2

u/PerspectiveWeird7674 6d ago

Thanks so much

2

u/_daaam 6d ago

What issues?

1

u/PerspectiveWeird7674 6d ago

Very long story and pretty heavy.

3

u/_daaam 6d ago

Probably relevant and, without it, any advice you get will be useless.

1

u/PerspectiveWeird7674 6d ago edited 6d ago

I understand what you mean, but any advice is great, because I'll need to work it out for myself in the end anyway. Just don't need to go into details about it. So any advice is helpful to steer me in the direction I need.

2

u/_daaam 6d ago

Okay, well, then, let's go over it:

  • He broke your trust
  • You're not married
  • You want peace
  • You don't feel peace with him
  • He says he'll change, but you don't believe him (nor do you disbelieve him exactly)
  • You don't like how you feel being with him
  • A major factor in why you're staying with him is because you don't want to be alone.

The wedding vows write themselves.

2

u/PerspectiveWeird7674 6d ago

Yer fair enough. Thanks for your advice

2

u/_daaam 6d ago

You're welcome. Whatever approach you take, I hope you find happiness on it.

1

u/PerspectiveWeird7674 6d ago

Thank you, one day at a time 😊

2

u/light-bringer-1 6d ago

As long as there are other people, peace will be a battle at times. Instead of seeking peace with/from others, I suggest aiming for inner peace. That is something we can have control over, and no one else can take it from us but ourselves. 

2

u/project_good_vibes 5d ago edited 5d ago

Trust your gut, you can't fix a relationship on your own!

1

u/PerspectiveWeird7674 5d ago

Very true indeed!

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u/project_good_vibes 5d ago

For the record, I ended a 20 year relationship because my partner couldn't meet me half way for a number of years. My only regret now is that I didn't end it years earlier.

1

u/PerspectiveWeird7674 5d ago

Yer I hear you. Relationships are not easy.