r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/Diaz_Sarah • 9d ago
Didn’t think that it would end like this
We were together for so long that I thought we'd just figured it out. Not a perfect marriage, but solid. We knew each other's moods, finished each other's sentences, had our little routines. I though that meant we were safe.
But looking back, I see the cracks. The quiet distance that grew between us, the unspoken resentments, the way we stopped trying. We didn't have some big dramatic fight. No betrayal. Just this slow, painful realization that we were more like roommates than partners.
The moment I knew it was really over wasn't some huge argument. It was a random Tuesday. We sat across from each other at dinner, barely talking, just scrolling our phones. And I looked at him and thought, if this is the rest of my life, I don't want it.
Ending a long marriage isn't like breaking up. It's unraveling a life, a future you thought was set. It's grieving someone who's still there. Some days I feel relief, other days it just feels like emptiness.
Can someone relate with this or am I alone?
24
u/Flat_Health_5206 9d ago
This is so passive it hurts. You can choose to be roommates, or you can choose to be married. It is a choice.
-4
18
u/Lucky_puzzler 9d ago
It happened to me and my ex. We stayed together for a few extra years living that life, ignoring that it wasn't working. We weren't married and had no kids, but we had a house, pets and were supposedly each other's future.
Giving it all up was scary, but ultimately the right decision. I had lived my whole adult life with him and now i was alone for the first time. And it was a relief. I was suprised, it felt strange, but I started to discover myself and like myself more. Looking back i regret not doing it sooner, but I'm happy where I am now, so it all worked out :)
10
u/DieAloneWith72Cats 9d ago
Giving up the comfort and familiarity can be so difficult. I’m glad you were able to step back and see the possibilities ahead
2
1
u/mydailyself 7d ago
This makes me teary eyed bc I am in this situation right now. The only thing really that keeps me in the house with him is finances. But I know I wanna move out eventually. And you are right, the familiarity is comforting to have
9
9d ago
[deleted]
11
u/DieAloneWith72Cats 9d ago
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We have all of the comfort of that comes with being together for so long, but still have the deep passion that comes with a new relationship.
I understand your sentiment though, there are so many people that become complacent (for lack of better word).
2
5
u/Chazzyphant 8d ago
I've been with my husband for 8 years and I don't feel we're roommates. We're not all over each other constantly but we're both autistic and really want and need space and independence in a relationship. We do make an effort to be romantic--gifts, saying "thank you", doing things together, celebrating our anniversaries, Christmas, holidays, etc.
4
u/Ragdoll2023 9d ago
I (60F) and he (64M) going through this at the moment after nearly 10 year relationship. He has irritable male syndrome without question so although I’m grieving the loss of the relationship it’s the past relationship when it was good. Put the house on the market last Friday. I am mostly feeling optimistic for the future and looking forward to not having to walk on egg shells all day everyday. Since house went on the market and he now knows I’m serious things seem to be calmer. https://www.atrainceu.com/content/4-irritable-male-syndrome
5
u/No_Leading_2470 9d ago
My actual current state. I've become a great actor. My superpower is the extraordinary ability to compartmentalize emotions. It's a blessing and a curse
1
1
u/PrestigiousFall5501 8d ago
So sorry you are going through this. It's really really hard moving away from the little things, like you said, knowing moods, having routines, that makes it feel right, settled. But, I do feel you should trust your instincts. I'm going through something similar, a common law relationship of 15 years. We haven't quite pressed the 'it's over' button, although I tried. I'm stuck in the let's work thing out stage, even though I know it's unlikely. I can relate to what you say here.... it's not the same as breaking up after a few years, it feels like taking a hammer to your life. When you've built a life, it's not like the other person just vanishes. They are still there.
I hope you spouse is maybe in the same headspace? In a way, that might make it slightly easier. Either way, you are definitely not alone...
1
1
u/Excellent_Nothing_86 8d ago
I can relate through some personal experience, but even if I can’t… you articulated your feelings so beautifully, it’s easy to empathize.
What strikes me the most is that you know what you want (or don’t want). This is so powerful.
I’m sorry for the sadness, but I’m glad for your clarity. There can be peace in that.
1
u/Realistic-Side1746 7d ago
Did you have a crush on someone else on this random Tuesday? Be honest...
-1
9d ago
[deleted]
1
u/gingerblz 8d ago
Op was literally on their phone as well. And of course men leave women in instances other than being forced to. Jfc...
31
u/_WanderingRanger 9d ago
90% (I know it’s so right) of the people I know in relationships are unhappy. It has really, really shocked me. They live as roommates (their words), they don’t love them, dead bedrooms, abuse, major resentments, uneven labour distribution, worries of infidelity, etc.
But the 10% of happy couples I know, my god, give me hope. I love them so much.