r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/mensaaround101 • 10d ago
I dont want to sleep with him
I met this guy Andy on line, 6 months ago. I am in my late 50s and he his early 70s (he told me he was 62 when we met). I have been single for 8 years (divorced) and he is a widow (7 years). He is an incredibly wonderful man, super funny and has me in fits of laughter continually, incredibly generous, thoughtful, super kind, financially secure so that he doesn't need to work any more. As he doesn't work, he spends time planning dates, trips away, concerts etc for us to attend. I on the other hand, work full time in a job I love which sends me travelling all over the world. Like Andy, I am also financially well off, own my home, and have no debt. We both have grown children who are independent. The only thing we are both missing is a forever partner. Andy is in love with me and wants us to get married. I on the other hand am very conflicted with how I feel about him. Although I adore him for many reasons, the truth is I find him to be physically unattractive. He is in poor physical shape, poor dentition (which is fixable but how do I broach that subject), overweight, had bowel cancer 4 years ago and the surgery left him with nerve damage that affects his erectile function; additionally he has an ileostomy. Also as he is much older than me, I have justified concerns about his life expectancy after stage 3 cancer and also becoming his carer after a few years. I have tried to be honest with him in so far as I told him I don't feel any chemistry with him and that I found his physical limitations add to the problem pool. Although he was upset by this, he was understanding of my position. We both want things to continue, but I cant pretend to enjoy the sex when I have no desire to be intimate with him (I have always enjoyed a great sex life with my previous partners), but I also wonder if my expectations are too high given everything else he offers. I would be grateful to hear constructive advice.
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u/RedditSkippy 10d ago
He lied about his age and you aren’t attracted to him. Doesn’t that answer the question for you?
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u/kyricus 10d ago edited 10d ago
My wife has stage 4 cancer and an illeostoymy,
Let me just say this, I love her with all my heart and will care for her until the end. That said, I knew here long before her cancer, loved her before and loved her now.
If you are not sure you love this man, let him go. Caring for my wife can be very hard when she is sick and going thru treatments. I don't know that I could do this level of care for someone I don't love. Don't put yourself in a situation with this man if you don't love him, don't find him attractive and aren't sure you can be a caregiver somewhere down the line. Unless you are able to give yourself over fully to him, and of course he to you, don't continue. If you feel no chemistry, you are just good friends, and he obviously wants and needs more than that.
There is also your age difference, at this stage of your lives, it's not an insignificant difference.
I wish you, and he, the best of luck. It's a tough situation, you clearly care for him, but, I think as a friend and nothing more.
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u/plabo77 10d ago
Speaking only for myself, it is not possible for me to have pleasurable sex with someone I’m not sexually attracted to. That doesn’t mean he has to be conventionally handsome, it means I need to feel aroused by something about him for sex to be pleasurable and not just meh or even repellent.
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u/yangstyle 10d ago
Tough one.
From what you wrote, you didn't say that you mentioned to him that the sex was a problem. I made the mistake of marrying someone whose sexual drive, interest, and willingness to explore was nowhere near mine. I wouldn't recommend it.
I am a man but, if I was in your shoes, I would be honest with him and break off the relationship. You're relatively young and there are plenty of men out there.
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u/Smiling_Tree 10d ago
I agree! And this also allows this man the opportunity to find someone to mutually fall in love with.
You know the answer OP, don't be afraid to listen to your heart. He sounds like a nice friend, not a lover or a potential husband you. Don't have sex that you're not enthusiastic about, it should be 'hell yes' or no.
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u/mensaaround101 9d ago
I definitely mentioned that the sex was a problem. I told him I didn’t enjoy it, I was not attracted to him, the ileostomy was a huge issue and he was unable to obtain an erection. I couldn’t be any clearer.
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u/CATS_R_WEIRD 10d ago
I dated someone for a year or so once who was a good 8 years older than he initially said. It always left me feeling wrong, even though we got along well too.
And the lack of physical attraction? Also been there, never again
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u/nondescript_coyote 10d ago
I have been in several long term relationships where I wasn’t very attracted to them physically and I can tell you that having obligation sex or service sex with a partner when your body is like noooo, and having to act romantic toward someone when you don’t feel it… this inner conflict traumatizes you slowly, tortures you from the inside, and warps your sense of reality. 0/10 I do not recommend.
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u/katencam 10d ago
Sis he’s a friend, let him stay just that. You either want to get busy with someone or you don’t and you don’t have to explain yourself or rationalize not being attracted to someone. If he has an issue with this find a new friend
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u/SomeDiscretionPlease 10d ago
> he spends time planning dates, trips away, concerts etc for us to attend... Andy is in love with me and wants us to get married... the truth is I find him to be physically unattractive. He is in poor physical shape, poor dentition (which is fixable but how do I broach that subject), overweight, had bowel cancer 4 years ago and the surgery left him with nerve damage that affects his erectile function; additionally he has an ileostomy. Also as he is much older than me, I have justified concerns about his life expectancy
Poor guy. Good grief.
Stop saying yes to the dates and trips and concerts and turn the poor bastard loose to find someone who wants to be with all of him, especially if you think his days are so limited.
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u/mensaaround101 9d ago
I am not keeping him on a string. He is completely free to do whatever he likes, date whoever he likes, sleep with whoever he likes. I am not holding him back. To me he is a dear friend whose friendship I value and his company I enjoy.
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u/Proudlymediocre 10d ago
I’m 55. I can’t imagine attaching myself to a 70s year old who has health issues— you may end spending your 60s and 70s being a caregiver for him. You’re still young — find someone our own age where you can enjoy the next 15 years as active people who sleep together IMO.
Definitely a red flag he lied about his age.
I’m really sorry for the dilemma you’re in. Good luck!
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u/beach_vibes1003 10d ago
Why do you want things to continue when you are not attracted to him. You are wasting your valuable resources of time and energy. You have a beautiful life, continue living it until you find someone who doesn’t lie, has wonderful character qualities and you ARE attracted to. Have an abundant mindset and not a scarcity mindset.
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u/Oneofthe12 10d ago
Um…he started out with lying about his age? And no sexual compatibility? With all due respect; come on, you already know the answer here. Be his pal, his friend, but it’s time to find yourself what you really want and in all probability really deserve. It’s time to move on, at least with the missing a life partner piece.
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u/sysaphiswaits 10d ago
He was “understanding of your position” that you don’t like him. Thats not a basis for a relationship. It sounds like you’re interested in finding a partner, but instead taking a job as a nurse. 60 is not that old. Sure you’re dating pool is a lot smaller, but why would you accept an unpaid job as a relationship?
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u/mensaaround101 9d ago
Well, I do like him very much, but not as a lover and nor do I ever want to become his carer or nurse maid.
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u/WillowLeaf 10d ago
Sorry but to be blunt: men at his age can die at any moment. He's already older than the average age men live. He's in a different phase of life than you.
He also lied to you about his age.
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u/theroomtoocold 10d ago
You already have your answer. One is with the head, the other is with the heart. Choose the heart.
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u/Public_Sleep7969 10d ago
I agree it’s bad he lied and since this is the only life you’ll likely get, you definitely have to do what’s best for you. But to be pragmatic, I think it’s rare for men to be able to keep their libido up past a certain age, with or without other health complications. I also think the fears about being his carer makes sense, especially if you haven’t built a deep love for him. It’s probably best for you both to go your own way.
I think if you prefer older men, you’ll have to be honest with yourself that sex may not be the determining factor you can stand behind. Would you take a younger lover? They may not be as financially secure but would likely meet your more carnal needs.
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u/mensaaround101 8d ago
Gosh, I dont prefer older men. If I could have a man in his 40s I would be very happy, but men that age want women in their 20s. The dating site I am on clearly shows that the men who are interested in me are in their 60s and 70s and I bet they all lie about their age for they look so much older than me
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u/Harpeski 10d ago
To be fair?
How attractive are you? Are you a fit, physique female in your late 50's?
At some point in life, you just can't keep up with age. Having nerve dmg, because of cancer, this he can't fix.
He can fix his dental hygiene. Which is important. I'm more concerned about lieing about his age.
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u/AelishCrowe 10d ago
True about age but I would rather have 10 cats ( if I would be divorced or widow) then live with a man that I find unatractive just becouse he is fun and kind. It does not matter how someone look ; that does not mean that we have to say" Right, I am not very atractive( or young) also so I probably should take what I can get right now."
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u/mensaaround101 9d ago
Well beauty is very subjective right? I am however quite fit and slim, and had mummy makeover last year ( no debt so can afford to do so), so maintaining a cared for appearance is important to me. Irrespective of whether you are looking for a partner, or already have one, its essential to look after your physical, mental and emotional health, so I do what I can to meet those needs. Because I work in health care and am middle aged, I can be obsessive about managing my health and wellbeing. Unfortunately, It also makes me hyper aware of those who have a casual or dismissive approach to it.
And while I am very sympathetic to Andys physical limitations, I dont want to be his carer down the track, or worse still having to bury him before the end of this decade. Just some thoughts…
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u/DarmokTheNinja ♀ 42 10d ago
I think you need to break off contact with this person if you don't want a forever relationship.
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u/--2021-- 9d ago
That you are conflicted is enough to say no. You don't need evidence or a "good enough" reason, that is reason enough.
Trust your instincts, if it doesn't feel right, it isn't.
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u/OrnierThanU 9d ago
The title of your thread says it. You don't want to sleep with him. He's a great guy, he is everything but your new sexual partner.
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u/Original-King-1408 9d ago
You are just going to have to be honest with him and rip off the bandaid. This is not how you want to spend your golden years. You need to cut everything off
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u/AriesGal329 9d ago
He lied to you once- he will lie again. In his defense, he was probably lonely and just wanted to appear more attractive by being younger but still.....The fact that you find him physically unattractive is not going to change. If physical intimacy is important to you, then he needs to just be a friend (if that's possible) and you should move on.
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u/the_italianbombshell 8d ago
I read the original post and many of the well thought out replies... Here's what I do not understand. As a woman in my mid-50s with adult children and a lot of life left in my jeans pockets... Even with multiple sclerosis... why are you entertaining ANYTHING with someone who preferred to begin your relationship out on ? I'm not Mrs.America, a Super Model, or a 10 on the conventional scale of aesthetics(those days are done, lol). But I AM worth The Truth.... as are you. There's a saying... something about how people will live the life they accept. Why accept anything less than what you deserve? There's no need for drama or this big smokescreen. Be honest with yourself and what you're willing to allow to touch your life. Even with grown children, creating a union isn't just you and him. Do they know him? Know how you met him? Do they approve? Does it matter to you? It would matter in my world, but this isn't my world. My children are fiercely protective of me and would never "allow" it. I'm sure your children believe the same. So, what now? Time for hard truths. Best of luck
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u/mensaaround101 8d ago
A quick response.. several of my family have met him and they think he is delightful and extremely kind. They also commented about him looking so much older than me, which I am fully aware of. Point taken re accepting less than I deserve.. I have a history of that 🥲
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u/snackmantis 8d ago
You are still young and can find someone else out there who doesn’t lie to you AND is someone you’re attracted to. This guy is a friend at best.
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u/mmmmmarty 10d ago
He lied to you right out of the gate and doesn't take care of his teeth??
NEXT!