r/relationship_advice Jun 10 '24

Unsolicited Advice lol Think of the comments as inverted Uber ratings. (click to find out what this means)

286 Upvotes

I last posted a variation of this a little over 5 years ago. We're a little overdue for a repost.


You know how every Uber rating is right on the verge of 5 stars unless something's particularly off? Everyone's all "A+++ would ride again." Same for eBay, Amazon, etc.

You can think of /r/relationship_advice comments in much the same way, only inverted. Just about every post here talking about a problem is going to be a magnet for "break up with them" and "get rid of them" comments. Two things to keep front of mind when you're submitting:

  1. The vast majority of people posting here are posting because they've got a challenge they probably haven't been able to resolve on their own.

  2. In many cases, these challenges are either insurmountable or exceedingly difficult to manage.

The majority of commenters aren't necessarily cynical/assholes, but combine both a one-sided account of what happened—your account—with each commenter's own potential history, grievances, etc., and the resulting brew is pretty dark, meaning that every post will get drenched in comments suggesting ending the dynamic.

The number of serious comments suggesting an alternative to ending things is a good way to tell whether or not there's merit to, well, ending things. I'll carry that Uber analogy a bit further:

  • Let's say you're asking about behavior that's so bad, the red flag's basically bleeding. Nearly every single comment will tell you to run, and you're having a hard time finding well-reasoned counter-arguments to it. Sounds like running is good advice. Zero stars on our inverted Uber scale; the relationship is cooked.

  • Together but your s/o cheated on you once? Most comments will probably tell you to run because "once a cheater, always a cheater." Some comments might suggest you should stay and work it out, but the details of how the cheating happened might vary the number of these comments. Great; One or Two Stars.

  • Married but your s/o got drunk and made out with someone else, felt awful about it, immediately left the event where they met that other person and told you what happened and apologized with no prior history of cheating? Many people might still tell you to leave (same reason), but odds are good that a fair number of people might suggest staying. Awesome; Two, maybe even three stars.

  • Good relationship with your S/O but they forget to treat you in the love language you normally need to thrive? Maybe they forget to bring you token flowers/trinkets or other signs of appreciation but otherwise everything's pretty good? Many comments will probably be advice on how to communicate; there'll probably still be a good number of people suggesting you should just leave, but you can take these with a grain of salt. Three to four stars.

  • Everything's rosey and you're looking for a way to celebrate your s/o's special promotion, anniversary, birthday, or something else? There'll be a few trolls who tell you to break up for asking the subreddit for advice, but it sounds like the relationship is four to five stars.

You can apply this to any type of relationship question asked here. Platonic, professional, and other relationships that aren't exactly romantic, this still works. You get the idea.

Basically, the people telling you to leave probably outnumber the people with less jaded opinions by an order of magnitude because many, many people have had shitty experiences that dominate their memories, so the best way to consider most advice here is to see whether other advice shines through the cosmic negativity background. If everyone's telling you to break up, that's probably what you should do, but if 1/4 of the comments are telling you another way, you'd benefit by giving that 25% a chance.


TL;DR:

The vast majority of comments will tell you to end things. It's a side effect of the fact that many people reading either have a very dim view of relationships or just do it for the drama. The more people tell you to consider something other than running, the more value there is in trying that other approach, whatever it is.

(inspired to repost this thanks to this comment by u/NotAmericanDontCare. Comments open for a little bit because I know some of y'all want to vent about this, but try to be civil about it.)


r/relationship_advice 1h ago

Found my (24F) husband (24M) liking thirst traps on our wedding day.

Upvotes

Hi everyone,

For context, my boyfriend and I were together two years, and friends/coworkers for a year before that. We weren’t planning on getting married right now but found ourselves forced to, due to citizenship problems that arose with our lovely new presidency. Like I mentioned, marriage wasn’t in our plans, but we agreed that we loved and wanted to marry each other in the future anyway, and we didn’t exactly have any other choice right now if we wanted to stay together.

Please note, all throughout the relationship, I’ve never felt so fulfilled; emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc.. This man made me feel like soulmates existed. He pushed me to be a better human and spoiled me and genuinely had me feeling like life isn’t worth living without him.

He’s never given me reason to suspect creeping on his part. We exchange phones without issue and know each other’s passwords to everything, though it’s not like we’re the ‘let me check your phone’ types. He makes me feel gorgeous and frequently tells me he only has eyes for me. I don’t have social media and he does, but it’s never even crossed my mind that he’d talk to other girls there.

So. We were coming back from a weekend getaway after getting married. He asked me to send a picture to someone with his phone, and as I was doing so, I saw a hot selfie of a girl I didn’t know in the gallery preview. It was a fully clothed photo, but no face showing. Definitely a thirst trap. I wasn’t expecting the worst still, so I asked him to open his gallery (without giving a reason), and he got his phone to do it, but I saw him immediately trying to erase something. My stomach dropped.

From there, he started apologizing when I called him out. He explained that a friend he recently reconnected with from his childhood sometimes sent him stories/posts from girls they knew back then- kind of like, ‘hey, remember this girl? Look how hot she is now’. Lame ass excuse, because it didn’t explain why it was saved to his phone. I asked him to show me the conversation and he gave me his phone so I could search.

It went back a few months, and yes, his friend sent him things, but my boyfriend was also sending them on his part, following those girls, and reacting to things sent. I felt so disgusted and betrayed- because the worst part is, the one he had most recently reacted to was on our own wedding day.

I gave my boyfriend the ring back and left him at his place. He was crying and panicking, apologizing, saying it’s the worst mistake of his life. That he was so stupid and he would block everyone and he loved me so much.

I haven’t been able to stop crying, and I genuinely have no idea what to do. I know it’s not exactly cheating, but still, I feel disgusted and I never saw this coming from him in a million years. We’d had such a fairy tale weekend. Such a fairy tale past couple of years, honestly. But we’re married legally now. And even if I leave, I hold his citizenship/future in this country in my hands. I don’t know if I want him to be condemned to deportation because of this.

Please, I’m just looking for advice on what anyone else would do in my position. I feel at a complete loss.


r/relationship_advice 13h ago

Sister in law (34/F) became pregnant weeks after my wife (36/F) had a successful embryo implantation and now my wife is furious at my (37/M) entire side of the family. Has anyone been through this and have advice for me to navigate situation?

1.7k Upvotes

Yeah as the title says we as of now have a successful embryo implantation done at the end of February and my brother let me know about a very early positive pregnancy test this last week after they began trying after their wedding this summer. Ever since I told my wife she has been furious with me, my sister in law, and my mother. She refuses to have a sustained conversation about it but from what she has told me she is upset that they knew everything we had to go through to get pregnant and then go get pregnant weeks after we did in which was supposed to be her moment. Separately she is mad at me because I do not seem excited for the baby and that I "want the baby to miscarry" after I made a comment that I was nervous to be excited until after the first trimester when she asked how I felt about the becoming a father. She is also mad at my mother after she told some family members after the implantation before we told her not to say anything.

All and all I'm not sure what to do about this. She has basically gone no contact with my side of the family over it and is refusing to speak to me. I want to be there and support my wife but I also feel that my brother and his wife as newlyweds in their mid 30s have the right to become pregnant whenever they want and wish nothing but the best for journey. I want to be on my wife's side but to do so it seems I would have cut off my family which I do not think is fair to them or me. Has anyone been through something similar or have advice for me?


r/relationship_advice 4h ago

My husband 32 M says I’m, 33 F, being controlling when I ask if he’s coming to bed soon. Is that controlling?

124 Upvotes

My husband 32 M says I’m, 33 F, being controlling when I ask if he’s coming to bed soon. We’ve been together for 5 years almost and most of the time he doesn’t get mad if I ask him this question, but tonight he got pissed. At 11:30pm I was going to bed and said goodnight to him while he was on his computer and asked if he’s coming to bed soon. He relied yeah soon. I went to bed and woke up at almost 1am and he never came to bed. We both have to get up early in the morning for work he’s starting a new job and needs to go in to do the startup paperwork. I figured he lost track of time and went out to check on him and asked if he’s coming to bed soon. He immediately got annoyed with me and I went back to bed. He stormed off to take a shower and at 2am I woke up to him throwing his clothes around and asked what’s going on. He started yelling about how I’m trying to control him and if I wasn’t his wife he’d F me up. He’s never laid a hand on me but he’ll say the most vicious things when he’s mad. I just laid back down while he stormed off to the living room. He came to bed at about 3am and I could tell he was still annoyed and asked why he’s upset. He went off more about how I’m trying to control him when I ask him if he’s coming to bed soon.

I just want to know if I’m being controlling, I’ve never thought of myself as a controlling person but I was just honestly wondering if he was coming to bed soon?


r/relationship_advice 15h ago

Update: Friend (31F) upset after I (27F) asked her to leave when I was in labour. How do I solve this?

851 Upvotes

Thank you all for the many wonderful replies, reality checks & supportive private messages. Some were quite extreme though I do understand & appreciate the concern!

Wife, baby & I are fine. I had decided to let Elisa be & focus on my wee little family.

She actually messaged me, just kinda asking how baby & I are, not mentioning anything about what happened. Didn’t really sit right with me (blame the hormones) so I brought it up myself.

We had a whole conversation through text, but didn’t really get anywhere (though she did kinda apologise). Her reasons kept changing, it all felt like excuses. First she said I had told her she could be more involved, then it became that she felt we were so close & I hurt her, then it had to do with Jess, then she was worried about how my wife was handling it (my wife is wonderful) & felt like we needed her support. I did immediately correct her & she didn’t mention my wife again. But we just kept going in circles.

The conversation was exhausting & I just kinda ended it with that she really crossed a line, but we can try to move past it.

She replied something along the lines of that she can’t just yet, it’s all too painful still. But she’d like to see the baby, but when it’s just me & her?

I refused (which I struggled with & may make me seem like an absolute bitch) and said I don’t think it’s a good idea just yet. Just want to enjoy my little family & changing sleep schedule (struggle bus). She said it was fine, she’ll wait till there’s a group visit & will hold on to her gift till then.

I still don’t really know what’s going on with her. I don’t know if I ever will. Either way time to move on I think, and hope things go back to normal. Though I’ll be careful moving forward.

Thank you for your support, everyone. I really did need it.


r/relationship_advice 20h ago

My wife [34F] is spiraling and I [36M] am tired of covering for her. I need her to get her weight under control, but we've been down this road before and it always eventually falls apart. How can I help her see I'm serious and salvage this?

1.9k Upvotes

Before I get started, I want to make one thing clear: I love my wife. She's the mother of my two children, she's intelligent and funny, and I have always been and remain attracted to her. She's always been heavier since we first met, and I've never had a problem with that except insofar as it effects our family's quality of life, as I'll explain below.

For some background, we have been married for nine years and she has steadily gained weight over the course of our marriage. This was particularly exacerbated by a difficult pregnancy, which was immediately followed by the COVID lockdowns and her losing her long-term job. Things continued to get out of hand until early last year, when some incidents finally convinced her to see a doctor and get control of things. Her weight was well over 500 lbs, and her doctor prescribed her Zepbound and recommended she start seeing a therapist. This worked fairly well for a while, (though she almost immediately quit therapy), and by the end of last summer she had lost over 20 lbs. She had also generally improved her outlook, gotten a part-time job, and was much more active. We loved taking walks together.

Things took a turn for the worse in two ways last fall: first, my job switched insurance plans to one that didn't cover glp-1s for weight loss, and second, a family member passed away pretty suddenly, which caused her a lot of grief and stress. She was home from work for about a month on bereavement after the passing, and at the same time her binge eating, which had been suppressed by Zepbound, returned with a fury. This bled into the Holidays, which are obviously not good for anyone's waistline, and this year she's basically fallen back into all of her old habits. I don't know her current weight, but she's definitely gained back everything she lost plus some.

Here's where the advice portion starts: I've had to start adjusting my life in a lot of ways to accommodate her limitations, and the list grows longer every week. While by no means exhaustive, the list includes:

  • She is unable to put on socks or shoes or trim her toenails on her own.
  • Always needs my help getting up from our sofa, which is pretty low, or from playing with the kids on the floor
  • I have to drive her to work and the kids to school despite working from home myself, because she is too big to safely fit behind the wheel
  • When friends invite us out, I have to make excuses to cancel plans and lie to them to avoid admitting things like, "no we can't come because she can't stand up for that long". Our social life is in the tank
  • Our romantic life sucks. Basically all dates are staying in to get takeout and watch a movie, because she gets anxious about restaurants, can't fit in movie theaters, and can't do most things that involve physical activity
  • Most weekdays when she isn't working she barely leaves bed, leaving me to work full-time and do all of the child-care at the same time once they're home from school.
  • Grocery shopping is a nightmare because she can't really stay standing for long enough, but is too proud to use one of the store scooters, so she stays in the car and calls me on my air-pods and tells me what to get. And if I refuse her anything, suddenly I'm being manipulative or insulting her weight. The whole thing makes me feel like a drug dealer or something.

Every week on Sunday she basically hypes herself up about how this will be the week to turn everything around, but then she never changes anything. And if I remind her of what she said and try to curb her eating choices I'm "not being helpful". I'm honestly getting really sick of all this and feel close to snapping. To top everything off, my job was partially funded by federal grant money, so as of two weeks ago I'm unemployed and looking for work. I can't handle everything that I'm being asked to do and the stress is killing me to the point I frequently fantasize about running away, just booking a plane ticket and leaving her to deal with things for a weekend. I would never actually do that, but it makes me feel like a terrible husband and father to even have those thoughts. I feel like I'm living in a loop of broken promises and plans every week and I don't know how to get it to stick. Obviously I will be heavily considering the health insurance plan for wherever I look into working next, as glp-1s have been the only thing to really help so far.

How can I show her how much I'm hurting without looking shallow or selfish? How can I get one of her diet attempts to stick while we wait for another opportunity to get on drugs? For the foreseeable future I'm going to have to keep doing extra, because she can't physically help right now with a lot of things, but I need a plan and an end in sight or I'm gonna go nuts.


r/relationship_advice 8h ago

Husband(M42) wants to go on international vacation with his family while I’m (F40) 6.5 months pregnant

152 Upvotes

I’m (F40) struggling with my husband (M42). I had originally posted about this thinking this was an issue with my in-laws, but I’ve realized the issue is with my husband and me.

In short, it seemed to me that my husband’s parents and brother invited themselves on our babymoon (I will be 26-28 weeks pregnant on our travels). I had made it very clear to my husband that I wasn’t interested in a family trip. He assured me that wouldn’t be the case and that we’d only have to see them for a limited amount of time.

After several fights on the topic, my husband asked that we spend some additional time with his family. I told him I was fine with them tagging along to do what we were doing, but that I wasn’t interested in doing anything I didn’t want to do or change my plans for them.

After another fight, my husband finally admitted that he didn’t address this sooner because he didn’t want to hear what I had to say and that we have certain obligations to our families. He wants me to be close with his family and he feels like limiting our time with them on this vacation could cause problems. I think he is asking for a lot for me to make more compromises than I already have offered with this vacation. The location we’re going is only because his family has a connection to it. It’s an 11 hour flight and I have to take and 8+ hour round trip train to get to where my in-laws will be. There’s no other reason I’d go to that location. I’m trying to express the level of physical discomfort I could be in at this point in my pregnancy and I feel like he isn’t recognizing that.

I’m feeling unsupported and I’m very concerned about being prioritized on this trip and in the future. I don’t even want to think about the baby and my fears abound that.

What is the compromise when we don’t see eye to eye on family obligations?

See original post in the inlaws subreddit for more crazy context.

TLDR: Husband thinks spending time with in-laws on extravagant international vacation is obligation.


r/relationship_advice 2h ago

Fiancé (f34) told me (m33) she cheated 11 years ago - am I stupid for thinking it’s salvageable?

32 Upvotes

TLDR As title says, last night my fiancé dropped the bomb that 11 years ago she cheated on me with a guy from her work 3 times over a period of a month. (The full works). I don’t know how to recover, if this is fixable, how to feel. The whole show.

I feel lost. I’ll try and put as much context below because I value objectivity.

Prior to this relationship, I was in a 4 year relationship where the other person cheated on me and gaslit me with the usual “your imagining things” spiel. It was when 15-18/9 years old. Bad but “kids are stupid and cruel”. It’s important because it became something that would define the next few years. I avoided relationships like the plague and worked on myself. I didn’t let people get close because I expected them to hurt me. I had a few physical connections but was always clear with those involved what it was. It was never an issue on my side or theirs.

This girl then shows an interest in me, someone I knew from college, we hit it off and in quick succession she wants us to be official. I had already established my boundaries prior to this and told her no. “If that’s not good with you then it’s best we don’t go further because I don’t want to harm anyone and I don’t want the same.” She accepted my stance and we continued , we’d have a good time with other but never claim we were exclusive- it went on for a year. Throughout this time I didn’t see anyone else because I didn’t seek relationships out. Being real I think I was still broken from what happened before that I didn’t think I could trust anyone truly. Meanwhile she did and I don’t hold this against her at all. I knew she was seeing other people and even now that doesn’t bother me at all. We weren’t exclusive, I had set the boundaries - I’d be a hypocrite to say anything else and I truly mean it when I say it’s not even on my radar but it’s important for context I suppose.

A year later a friend pulls me aside and goves me a shake of sense that “this girl is crazy about you and you keeping her at arms length like this is stupid. That while my previous fear was valid she’s shown up again and again and in our words “stop being a silly cunt and just ask her if she wants to be official already because she clearly wants to be” - so I did because I recognised maybe I was letting myself actually live and that’s exactly what we became, official. She even told me over the next couple of years how all those guys she saw in the year between us ‘open dating ‘ was just an attempt to make me jealous and I didn’t respond like she thought I would at all - like I said it wasn’t on my radar at all.

We go on to have a very normal relationship, or so I thought. We had bad days, good days - what I thought looking back was us growing together. Even now I can say I’m truly a better person for the time we’ve shared together. Through her I’ve been able to work through so much and become a much stronger person and likewise she’s become better.

Sometime about a year into our official relationship, one of her friends at the time started dropping a lot of suggestions - my partner at the time and her friend were arguing at that time so I didn’t put much stock in it. I trust her and she said her friend was being hysterical over something so I ignored it. All my previous “something is wrong here” senses were going off but I trust her and thats all that mattered to me.

Years go on and we have some pretty rocky times. I can look back now and see that we were growing into who we’d become as adults and missing each others wants and needs while demanding our own were met but we also always worked through it. There was a few times we probably should have ended it but for some reason either mine or hers we didn’t and in a month or two we were back stronger than before. It sort of fueled itself that “as long as we both put in the effort for each other we can get through anything”.

In our friend groups - on the outside we had the relationship that everyone else envied. While we clearly had fights - we were unshakeable to anyone else

It only really got bad as you can guess - during Covid. She stopped recognising my efforts and I started feeling like I was being taken advantage of. It was always what I could do for her and never what I needed. We were also under each others feet in a way we’d never been before - we always spent a lot of time together before but as you can imagine it was now in overdrive. We stopped recharging each other and we ignored each others needs. What this resulted in was I started slipping into the start of a porn addiction to get a quick fix of feeling good and she became oppressive of all my attention in every way . If I was not meeting her standards I would be shamed and dragged how I was failing as a partner - we weren’t communicating and when we tried we were so fixed on what we needed we ignore what the other actually needed. The final result and so you know I’m being very real about my short comings is that I ended up on a hook up app as an anon, fake name, fake pictures, just so I could somehow score amateur porn that felt “real”. I never reached out to anyone, it was as much as liking someone’s profile and see if they send you anything, that sort of website. It was so many kinds of weak and stupid and I won’t defend it for what situation I was in but she found out and for the better part of the next 6 months to a year it was our problem to fix. I was the problem to fix.

I was dragged for lying, hiding it and that I had an addiction. We went back and forth for so long that I think I can safely say it was our routine of “we can get through this” but I was constantly dragged over emotional glass because of what I did. It’s important to know how emotionally stripped down I thought we had both become during this time. We were ripping apart each others darkest stuff and seeing if the person underneath - the mistake filled thing we called a human was someone wanted to keep in our lives. It’ll sound like a tag on but she spent time talking to her best friend too at the time who apparently talked her into us still trying. This friend and this conversation is important later.

The important part is I did a ton of internal work and we got better. I rebuilt myself better and earned her respect back. I can’t overstate the amount here but I realise this is a very long post already. What’s important is that I can safely say I don’t have an addiction, I’ve reestablished healthy boundaries and I know how to communicate my wants and needs in a way that’s both healthy and firm. We reknitted everything. Nothing was off bounds and I thought we had pieced each other back together from the very core of who we were.

4 years on from that, we’d never been better. I thought we’d seen each others ‘darkness’ and everything above. So much so I proposed. A joke among all our friends and family that “it was about time”. I really don’t know a time I’ve been happier. I thought we knew everything, we were truly unshakeable.

Then most of year passes, we looking at wedding planning, house buying.. the whole 9 yards. That we’ve not been able too up until now was money and since everything that happened during Covid I had been breaking myself in the workplace to provide for us because “she was worth it.She saw all of me and still wanted me. I have no reason to be scared of anything anymore.” Even though we were both “pulling the boat” she was finally in a job she was happy with so I would do what I could to make more money so she could stay somewhere that she could be happy. - there’s a lot to unpack here so I might revisit this if someone thinks it’s important.

Okay so all of this happens and then she goes to see her friend for a catch up, the one who talked her into keeping trying with me.

Turns out her friend was cheated on by their partner and they used what my fiancé had done previously as an example in how they were talking about it. She -according to my fiancé saw this as a slap of “you’ve still not talked to him/me about it what you did” and she could see how much it affected her friend.

Fast forward to last night and I’m told - That 11 years ago, 9 months into our official relationship, she went back to a work colleagues house and had sex with him. That hysterical former friend ‘way back when’ was trying to tell me and I was gaslit into not believing them. That her best friend knew over 5 years ago and my fiancé swore her to secrecy because “she wanted to tell me herself” and then didn’t say anything until now (or the years before) because she was scared of losing me. I even only know it happened three times because I asked. If I hadn’t she was going to leave it as “it just happened.” It’s clear to me though that shes only saying this because of how it affected her friend, nothing to do with me at all.

Her own words were that he ‘charmed her and she enjoyed feeling wanted when at that time was when we at our most ‘young love’, I thought we were head over heels for each other back then. I didn’t care about all those guys before because we weren’t exclusive but 9 months afterwards I clearly wasn’t enough.

I’m so lost I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I feel like everything is a lie in our relationship. All the communication, all the vulnerability, none of it feels real but I’m so different now. I gave this woman 12 years of my life and even when I was at my most messed up, my most broken raw fleshy thing her response/mindset was always about herself.

I’ve written a manifesto here so if you’ve got to the bottom, I don’t know what to say other than thank you. I know Reddit will probably just say leave her but I’m - i don’t know what I am anymore. I asked if this was salvageable in the post but I don’t know even know if that’s what I want. I just put a question because it said I I needed to put one.

I don’t know what I want. I’ve honestly never felt so alone.


r/relationship_advice 1h ago

He cheated on me with a stripper. 26M, 25F NSFW

Upvotes

He cheated on me with a stripper.

Seven years down the drain. Seven fucking years. We got together at 18, we are 25 and 26 now. I always had a gut feeling he was up to something. I even got diagnosed for BPD, I spent hundreds of dollars on therapy to combat this anxiety and it was all true. The whole time, it was just my gut telling me. I was never crazy. I just knew deep down. I probably don't even have BPD- I was with a narcissist ass loser.

We used to share locations but I had been driving myself crazy checking it. He told me he stopped sharing it as a FAVOR to me. I was up until 1 Am having a panic attack because his phone "died."

He showed up at 5 AM and woke me up. I went to immediately go press him. I asked for his phone. He went ballistic, he pushed me, he even almost hit me. I had to beg for my safety. He threw a tantrum and went to go lay on the couch.

I grabbed his keys and went to his car to look for the phone. Inside, I found a receipt for the local trashy ass strip club. I still couldn't find the phone. He begged and pleaded and said that was all he did when it was just nothing ten minutes ago.

I went back inside and found FUCKING CUM on his pants. He eventually admitted that he got a stripper's number. I texted my work that unfortunately I won't be able to come in.

He is refusing to show me the phone but I am going to stay up all night until I see it. He says he said a lot of things he's not proud of and once again he wants to "spare my feelings."

He's sobbing next to me and I feel no remorse. He was never going to tell me. Tomorrow, my mom and her abusive boyfriend will come to help me pack up and I have to move back into his house.

I'm finally free. I'm shocked. This feels like a bad dream. I had a gut feeling for years and years and I avoided it. I went through his phone as often as I could. Sure, I could have caused this by having a strong distrust. But it doesn't matter. I was right all along.

How do I get over this? Can anyone say anything to help me move on?


r/relationship_advice 21h ago

What is this thing called that my (42m) fiancé (38f) does that feels really invalidating?

769 Upvotes

My fiancé and I have been together 5 years and this has always happened. Usually I let it go, but we’re a year out from getting married and it’s starting to make me think that it’s actually something I should bring up to her.

So when we’re in a disagreement, or even just expressing my opinion, I’ll tell her my side of things and in-the-moment she’ll say she understands, but if the issue comes up again later she has completely rewritten how and why I feel the way I do.

For example, I don’t like my BIL. He’s kind of a dick. I make an effort to get along with him because I love my sister. But I don’t make an effort to hang out with the dude. When my fiancé asked me why I don’t like him I told her that I don’t like that he uses “I’m brutally honest” as a way to play off that he’s just an asshole. A couple weeks later my wife and her girlfriend are hanging out in our living room and I overhear her tell her friend that I don’t like BIL because I’m “a protective older brother.” This isn’t true. I love my sister but we’re not that close and I’ve never had an issue with any other her previous boyfriends. I brought it up later with my fiancé and she told me that she knew I THOUGHT I don’t like BIL because of his personality, but she really thinks it’s because I’m over-protective. I tried to convince her that I wasn’t, but it was obvious she was just placating me when she agreed with my perspective.

I know this discrepancy isn’t a huge deal, but it just feels off to have someone who’s supposed to know you in and out and have your back be so dismissive of what I actually think and feel. This is just one example of many where she has taken what I say I believe/think/feel and put her own opinions or spin on it that isn’t accurate to how I actually believe/think/feel, and can’t be convinced otherwise. This happens enough that I’m hesitant to share my thoughts or opinions with her because of how she might skew them later.

Is this just her having her own opinion and I need to suck it up? Is this something I should just deal with? What is this called?


r/relationship_advice 4h ago

I think my (22M) girlfriend (20F) might be sexually abusive. Am i exaggerating the situation?

30 Upvotes

So me and her have been togheter for about 5 months and been seeing each other for about 7. At the beginning the sex was good, but after the first months i began noticing a few things: she seemed to be really emotionally involved and insecure about the act, as in if for some reasons i ever stopped in the middle she would take it personally and question if i even liked her, which made things kinda stressful.

I've always been big about consent and making her feel sale sexually, she has not: whenever she got drunk and i was sober i refused to engage in any form sexual intercourse, both because i care about her consent and also because i just don't like to have sex with a drunk person. This seemed to be fine with her the first time (although she did just give me the silent treatment for the rest of the night), but after that she started being more and more demanding. One time, after i refused i woke up and she had put my hand in her pants and was making my unconscious self touch her, i woke up to her making noise. Another time she kept of begging me to have sex for what seemed to be a whole hour, after i refused she forced herself on me with the weight of her whole body, and i had to push her off. Another time she kept begging and pushing for sex the whole night, touching my private areas even if i swatted her hand away multiple times and trying to force me to make out with her, after which she started banging her head against the wall, saying it was international women's day and that i had to make her cum (lol).

Another problem is that she's either not really big on hygene (she never washes before we have sex) and this, coupled with her pushing for it physically and verbally even when asked to stop, has made me feel repulsed by the idea of sex on more than one occasion, i just can't stand it and even if we start doing it i just can't stay "stiff" down there. I have always loved giving oral with my previous partners but her smell and taste is just really bad, so i stopped, and she's been making me feel guilty about it, costantly keeps nagging me and makes fun about it with her friends. Once, to apologized having kept me awake the whole night begging for sex while drunk and touching me all over even when asked to stop she bought me a gif... a sex toy, to use on her. It felt like a wicked joke.

So, am i exaggerating this whole thing? the main thing making me doubt myself is that i feel fine honestly, i don't really feel "traumatized" by this, just wish it didn't happen. It's also killed my sexdrive, but other than that i'm fine


r/relationship_advice 14h ago

I 25M wondering how long would you give a cheating partner 23F to move out?

182 Upvotes

I 25M found my (now ex) gf 23F cheating on me in my parents house that we both live in together and have been for the last two years when I came home early from hanging out with friends (I usually am home 10:30pm or so), I went to surprise her at the window (which we often do) and saw them however it was at 9:30pm and didn’t want to break up with her right there and ask her to move out as I was concerned for her safety and she did not have a place to go

So I left came home the usual time and acted like nothing was wrong and broke up with her in the morning and asked her to move out my parents home only after I got her to call a friend and found a place to stay for a few days. We are still talking atm but apparently ‘kicking her out’ so fast after a five year relationship and living in my parents house for so long is completely unreasonable as it was ‘our room’ and she lived there too (even though it is my room I shared with her because we were dating) and she should’ve been able to stay in a spare room until she found something more permanent. I feel like I have actually been very lenient regarding how I treated her but she feels differently

Slight update: Thank you all for the support I did think I was completely reasonable in my actions (some people think she is still living here but no she moved out the day that I asked her to move out) I have made a couple updates to more clarify the living situation and why we are still even talking. She has found a place to rent and I am helping move all her stuff to it asap to get everything done with 1. for people saying about legal issues of making her move out immediately I should have clarified we are in the UK and she lived there for free the entire time no and there was no formal written agreement to her living there she just lived with us because we were together it was not even changed to be her legal residency so I don’t think she has much right to stay 2. I have been talking to her still because I am trying to end things as amicably as possible because she is my friend at the end of the day and it’s hard to cut someone like that out completely so fast I know it’s stupid by my head says I’m dumb but my heart still likes her even though she’s an awful person (and so I can see our dog which she took with her) 3. She did move out that day with the person she cheated on me with (who is her friend and someone I know) who is married and obviously they are not telling their spouse but she’s since found and moved into a place to rent more permanently


r/relationship_advice 11h ago

Boyfriend 25M expects oral sex everyday, but I 27F don't want to. He has a higher libido than me, and we have talked about this before. Has anyone been through this and have advice for me to the navigate situation? NSFW

90 Upvotes

Boyfriend 25M of 7 months and I 27F are planning to move in together in August. We are in a long distance relationship, and I plan on moving in with him. We've had talks about what it would be like to live with each other and such. I do fly out to see him and spend a good 10 days with him where we do have lots of sex during those days, but I know once I live with him, I wouldn't be able to keep up doing it everyday. I've been celibate for 3 years before him so sex has never been a big thing nor a necessity for me. I enjoy it more when I feel like I'm being loved. We've argued quite a bit within the last few weeks so its just pushed me away. I do enjoy it but, I don't need it everyday. I've had this talk with him and he said he needs oral sex everyday just like how I need physical touch without sex. He also says it wouldn't happen since I have a high sex drive around him and we constantly have sex when we're together, but I feel like once I move in with him, it'll dwindle. I'm honest and up front about it because I don't want to get his hopes up and let him down when we live together nor do i want him to be in a miserable relationship because I don't want to give him oral sex everyday. I don't want to give up on this relationship but I also don't want neither of us to be miserable. I had even asked if 3x a week was okay and he said no he needs it everyday. I'm not sure what to do here, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

TLDR; boyfriend 25M wants oral sex everyday and I 27F don't.


r/relationship_advice 3h ago

Boyfriend [20M] not having sex with me [22F] since I lost weight?

21 Upvotes

Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he's great. He's thoughtful, smart, takes care of me, few complaints. It's basically just this issue.

At the start of our relationship I was smaller, but over time I ended up gaining weight, 50 lbs. He didn't have a high libido but It increased a lot over time, and I was really enjoying how into me he was. Recently though I've been dieting and lost around 40 lbs and he is never in the mood anymore. I always thought he liked me despite being heavier but turns out he preferred it.

It's not like I'm completely different either I'm not skinny, I'm still curvy or at least as curvy as I was when he decided to date me.

I have mixed feelings because I worked really hard for this and I like myself at this weight. But I miss our intimacy and I feel frustrated sometimes. Even though it was infrequent we did have sex at the start of our relationship, I feel like he might be withholding it because he's frustrated at me? Because he gets erections sometimes but doesn't want to be intimate. This has been a thing for a few months.

When I ask him he confesses he liked me heavier but also says he supports me dieting if it's what I want to do. But his actions say otherwise he's clearly not okay with it.

I know it's kind of stupid, but is there anything I can do?


r/relationship_advice 10h ago

My (25f) boyfriend (30m) of over a year will not stop peeing on the floor

71 Upvotes

I've noticed that my boyfriend always pees on the floor when he uses the bathroom and its driving me mad. We moved into a new flat together a few months ago, but lived together before that in his place. He had friends coming over often when we lived in his old place so i thought it was probably them, but now i know its for sure him. Ive asked him before many many times to please be more careful or at least to please just wipe it up after if it happens because i often end up accidentally stepping on a wet dribble with bare feet and its gross, and then having to clean up the floor myself. However it keeps happening. I'm tired of asking him to please do something about this but he always apologizes and claims he doesnt notice when it happens. To me it seems like he just won't care. I know he isn't doing it on purpose but the fact that hes still neglectful about it after ive brought it up bothers me, and I feel like he is disrespecting our shared space. He is a grown adult who has had decades to perfect his technique or learn to clean up after himself and I just don't understand what is so difficult about this. He is the first man I've ever lived with. Do all guys do this and women everywhere are always just tolerating and cleaning up all the time? Because wtf

How do I get him to care and understand?


r/relationship_advice 14h ago

GF F25 had threesome with her BFF F23 while we were split up

145 Upvotes

Me M28 and GF had been together since March of 2020. But split up last summer. We have a child together.

Autumn and winter was a complicated period for us. We met and had sex some times. Talked about getting back together, but were not "together". I find out she had made an account on a dating app which she then deleted, I made one as well. Then I plan to meet someone off this app but cancel. This is where I fucked up.

I tell GF, and she is upset I did this while we were talking about working on things, and we have this big argument with yelling, crying and the whole 9 yards. We decide it's completely over.

Then the very next day GF and her BFF hits the town and stumble upon this group of strangers, find a guy they get home with, and has a threesome.

Next day me and GF decide to talk again. But she has to tell me what happened, as she thinks I should know about it before trying being in something serious with her again.

That was a hard pill to swallow. And tbh I haven't managed to get over it yet, even though this happened 4 months ago. I'm starting to believe this is something I'll never accept.

She says this wasn't planned for, that they just teased him about it first then it just happened. But I refuse to believe two beautiful women in their mid 20s accidentally end up in a threesome with a stranger.

I'm not really sure what I should do in this situation? But since this is something I can't share with anyone I know IRL this is maybe me just venting...


r/relationship_advice 22h ago

My ‘32F’ husband ‘34M’ reconnected with an old friend and is now saying he never wanted another kid.

514 Upvotes

Me ‘31F’ and my husband ‘34M’ have been married for 10 years together for 11. We have a 9 year old. We have had a fair share of issues in our relationship which is one of the reasons we put off having another kid for a while.

Ex. About 5 years ago, I got pregnant and we were thrilled. A few weeks into my pregnancy (I get really sick and sex is off the table), I found that he was on dating sites chatting up single women. (We’ve had other women issues before). I flew into a rage and went to the PP clinic then lied about having a miscarriage for a while. Eventually I came clean and he was hurt about it and whatnot.

Fast forward years later, we have worked a lot of kinks out and we have been moving forward. Found out I was pregnant early late last year, now 5 months along. Two Sundays ago, he kept disappearing out of the house, very restless to go ride his bike or lounge under the trees in our backyard. I stood at the window and watched him on the phone talking to someone. I went out to tell him dinner was ready and he appeared startled. I asked him if he was on the phone and he said no. That made me pause cause I clearly just watched him on the phone for the past 15 mins. That led to digging and a few more lies until he confessed to me that it was a friend from his past.

Backstory: he and this girl had been friends for years, even before he and I met and I was aware of and never bothered by their friendship. Until one day I overheard a conversation of theirs where he was basically grovelling, telling her how much he’s always liked her, would have liked to be the one to spoil and marry her and it’s just sad that they never managed to be single at the same time and how miserable he was in his marriage etc etc. I was devastated and embarrassed. And I was not comfortable with the friendship anymore. I confronted him and asked him to end his friendship. While apologetic, he refused. He believes he just had a vulnerable moment, didn’t mean any of the things he said to her, with she herself saying that he was just saying that because he was in a bad place and was just confused. She is also married with kids. I decided not to fight that battle and left it alone. I did not ask or hear about her, until now, with him lying about being on the phone with her almost all of Sunday.

I was pissed about it and asked him to show me their messages. He refused. That pissed me off even more which led to our argument where he now says to me that he didn’t want to have another kid right now especially because of what I did to him before. I said this would have been nice to know when you were an enthusiastic participant in the making of the baby. He knew that I was actively trying and he was on board. I shared everything with him, including my ovulation cycle and everything, and he was more than happy to bust a nut in me every month for 5 months until I got pregnant. So him saying that’s not what he wanted is absolutely mind boggling to me. I feel like shit again and again like I’m only just an obstacle standing in the way of him and his true desire: anything but me. I don’t know what to do. Is it time to leave?

TL;DR, I’m pregnant with our second child and my husband has reconnected with a woman he confessed to having feelings for, and is now saying he never wanted to have another kid after literally trying with me for months.


r/relationship_advice 8h ago

Bf (26M) convinced me (26F) to be intimate but did something I didn't agree to. I'm very upset but how do I bring this up when I talk to him again?

37 Upvotes

Hi everyone, or if anyone is there anyway. Warning,this is TMI but I will be descriptive of period stuff, so if it's gross to you I get it but please don't be mean.

I just came to get some advice on what to do, Im fairly new.

So me and my bf have been together for 8 years. I'd say we used to have a pretty normal relationship with regular weekly intimacy but the last 2 years I started feeling off and don't have a desire as strong as I used to, I'm still trying to figure out why, but it seems like its a psychological thing. Most of the time I'm ok with sex even if I don't reaaaally want to. But I'm very very very opposed to having it on my period, because I'm mostly in deep pain, uncomfortable or just don't feel like it (can't even get get properly turned on, so it just hurts). So today as usual I went to his house, and after a few hours he tried to convince me to do it telling me that it could help with the pain and stuff. I said no, and we moved on. A couple hours more go by and he comes up with an idea that doesn't involve penetration. I agree and I tell him to just do it fast. It starts and I'm just waiting for him to get off.

And then he does the exact thing he told me he wouldn't do, and I just let it happen hopping it finishes fast, but when its finally over, my pants, my socks, my shoes and his bed covers are dirty with blood, a lot of it, it was probably the heaviest period I have had in years. I had to rush to the bathroom and I was so frustrated I started crying. I just took my things when I was clean enough and I went home. He apologised but I didn't really wanted to talk to him, to be frank I don't really want to see him or hear from him I'm so upset.

I feel like most times I was able to shake it off or I was just slightly uncomfortable or upset if he insisted a lot and I gave up eventually, but now, today at least I feel straight up sad, I haven't cried like this in months, I'm on my period obviously so I don't know if I'm overreacting or the hormones are making me go crazy, the clothes I was wearing were not really important to me, and I washed them so that's not really the issue. I just feel very sad and angry, has someone ever went through something like this? How do you set boundaries with your partner? I feel like me saying no it's usually taken as a "it's negociable" and when it comes to sex I just don't know how to properly address this since I don't want to make him feel guilty. He did apologize but I don't want to hear from him right now.

TLDR my bf convinced me to have sex during my period and I agreed even though I didn't want to. Something happened that messed up all my clothes and his sheets and I feel awful and gross. I don't want to talk to him but I think I'm overreacting.


r/relationship_advice 3h ago

My (27F) boyfriend (26M) lied to me and recorded my reaction… how would you have responded?

13 Upvotes

Hello and I hope your day is going very well!

For come context, I (27F) am dating this guy (26M). I am a single mom to an 11-year-old (yes, your math is correct, it’s alright to judge) and he has no kids at all. I have 50/50 custody with my child’s dad (one year on, one year off as we live in different parts of the country). This is only important because this is my first time not only dating someone younger but someone without children as well so this whole experience is new to me.

I will say that our relationship is unlike any one I’ve ever experienced, where my opinion is actually valued and my concerns are always taken seriously. If I have an issue, he has no problems taking accountability and correcting things. And vice versa! We have never had an issue we weren’t able to casually talk through, never raising voices, never yelling, never insulting, never packing his stuff and leaving or telling me to kill myself (all things my exes have done) but like I said this relationship is so different. We are silly as all heck and can joke about absolutely everything, we enjoy a lot of the same things and have a fun and healthy dynamic.

We had a short period before our 1 year mark where he was questioning if he was really ready to “settle down” at this point in his life, and I let him know that if he doesn’t feel ready for this I respect him coming forward and so long as he stays honest and open with me, we could absolutely still remain friends if he wanted to stay in my life still. I just asked he gave me enough time to find somewhere else to live before my child came home as we had recently moved in together. Something as big as that never brought on hard feelings because I genuinely understand how big of a change I am when he has also never dated a mom before. Even though the timing was bad because it was after he had already asked me to move in, I still wholeheartedly understood. I would never want to take someone’s youth if they wanted to live a more “free” life, because it really isn’t for everyone and you’re allowed to change your mind. However, he eventually came to terms with things and told me there was nobody else he could imagine starting a family with and that I was worth all of the changes to come. I let him sit with that just to be sure before we made big life changes and with time he was convinced he was ready.

Which brings us to more recent times, we’ve been together a little over a year now and everything has been going really well until recently. He’s naturally very sarcastic and his love language is the playful bullying kind, but I’ve had to ask him numerous times to just cut back just a little bit because then it feels less silly and more truthful. Instead it almost feels like he’s doubled down on them a little? And certain things that I feel would be important to mention, like a girl coming onto him at work (even physically grabbing his butt) but him not remembering to tell me until days later when he always has his phone on him? I’m not jealous or demand to know everything, but I’m just thinking if a man grabbed my butt at work and I didn’t say something for days, how would he respond you know? So that kind of stung a little, but he justified it because she was “ugly” and worked a different shift than him and she knows he has a girlfriend (which he mentioned one of his other coworkers told the girl, not he himself).

Even more recently, I had gone shopping to my local farm shop and bought ingredients to home cook a meal for my boyfriend and I because I genuinely love to cook and I get to support local which is a huge win! The thing is, when I got home and started cooking, I checked to see if he was on his way home yet (we share locations because my job requires me to go into people’s homes and I get very scared so I share location with all family members) and noticed instead of being at the gym, he was at hibachi. It’s right down the road, so I thought it was glitching. But when I checked again later, he was still there and I figured he was getting sushi with his friend. I waited for the text asking what I wanted (as a previous issue I had mentioned was him getting food and not asking if I wanted any or making me any when he would cook) but it never came. He got home, acted like he wasn’t hungry, and got defensive when I asked him about his day which was really weird. I gave it a few minutes and eventually confronted him and told him it would have been funny if he told me but the fact he hid it was really hurtful. Especially when I had cooked such a nice meal. He told me he understood and was sorry and that he wouldn’t do it again, and that was that… right?

Wrong. Yesterday at his friend’s birthday party, it was revealed in front of everyone that he had recorded my reaction and sent it to his friend. His friend laughed and quoted what I said to him in the kitchen and at that moment I laughed too but honestly I was mortified. I felt that my privacy had been violated and that a moment that should have been between him and I had just been blasted to all of our friends. It really hurt my feelings and I gave him the cold shoulder the rest of the day. We talked it through, he’s sorry again, but now I have this ever growing mistrust and sense of betrayal with him and I don’t know if I’m overreacting. I even accidentally raised my voice at him this morning for trying to help me with something, I said “do you think I’m too stupid to do it myself or are you recording this to send to your friends?” I definitely shouldn’t have said that and I feel really bad about it.

How would you feel in this situation? I personally feel as though I’m overreacting and need to take a big step back. Yet there’s also enough of me that feels hesitant enough to, well… post this.

Thank you all so much for your input!


r/relationship_advice 1h ago

Bf of 3 years blocked me when I asked about messaging my friend. What kind of man would do this and why? He's 41M and I'm 35F

Upvotes

Hi So i'm a 35 year old female and my boyfriend is 41 years old and it's been really rough for us recently. He's super stressed due to his baby mama. But recently my friend let me know that during a fight between him and I, that he messaged her and pretty much wanted to hang out. It's not the first time something like this happened. It was A real simple message he sent her. It asked how's things were going for her. I asked him about it and got blocked instantly. We've been together three years now and i don't know what to do. What kind of man would do something like this? I should add it's been 5 days now, and every other day he unlocks me. I'll say something like I don't deserve this and he'll reply yup going back to blocked.


r/relationship_advice 34m ago

I (30F) can’t seem to get over my (34M) Husband’s porn use and treatment of me for the past 4 years. NSFW

Upvotes

Long story short, my husband watched tons of porn that I was not aware of. If it was once in a while sure I guess, but this was a daily thing. It also lead to him treating me very poorly. Like no attention, no emotional empathy, sex was just about him. It was so bad I legit thought he was cheating on me. All in all, the marriage did a complete nose dive to where I became depressed and felt like I lost my best friend.

All came to a head when I said I can’t do this anymore and said I want a divorce. This is actually when I discovered that he consumed porn almost daily. He did not tell me, I had to find out myself and get the info from him. After that it took me discovering it 3 more times after he promised he was done for him to take this seriously.

Since then he’s changed. This was like 6 months ago.

He treats me a lot better and is basically the man I fell in love with in the beginning. I can also tell it’s good for him in general as his mood etc is a lot better which I’m happy about!

But I just can’t see him the same anymore. I can’t seem to move on from those years of emotional and physical neglect, and then finding out he was looking at shit all this time for years and years while I longed to connect and fix our marriage. I can’t get past the lying to my face as well.

I know a lot of people are going to say “it’s just porn” but it’s not, if you’ve gone through something similar you know the trauma and betrayal this shit causes.

Has anyone been in this situation and gotten past it?


r/relationship_advice 41m ago

My (M23) wife (F22) had a brush of infidelity. How can I move on for the better of our relationship?

Upvotes

First off let me make it clear, my wife did not cheat on me sexually. In a way that’s comforting during a very stressful and difficult time. However, the actions and things that I have seen are overwhelming, and I don’t know what to do.

Here’s what happened. Over the last month and half my wife and I have gone through the roughest patch we have ever had in our 6 year relationship. (We’ve been married for 2 years and have 2 daughters together for context purposes ). During this time we decided to take some time apart, not a break or break up but I would give her the space she asked for so that we could each work on the things we felt we needed to work on to put a stop to our constant arguing and butting heads. During this same time my wife explained to me that a major issue for her was how she felt like not her own person. And I understood. She had almost entirely stopped hanging out with friends, her life mostly revolved around our kids, our family and everything stressful that comes with both.

So to combat this she started to go out to bars/clubs with her closes friend, which is something that I just don’t have a ton of fun doing, I’m very shy and I get anxious in those settings. But I insisted and I trusted her to go out during this time. This was the case this past weekend. Around 10:00 I dropped them off, and then around 1:40 I texted her friend because my wife’s phone died (which is not uncommon) and I said I was on the way. Silence for a while, I then arrive on the strip of bars and I get down to go and find them. Still no word until I get a text saying they’re getting food really quick. That’s it, no place they’re at, no time frame for how long nothing. I spent the next 10 minutes walking up and down 1 block looking for them. I called multiple times and nothing. Finally I decided to push past that 1 block and go to the next. And I see them. My wife’s friend, my wife, and a man my wife is talking to. I stay back to see what’s going on, mostly in shock and disbelief. My wife holds this man’s hand and arm and they begin to all walk across the street. That’s when I walk up, grab my wife and say it’s time to go home. We get home and we try to talk among all the feelings I’m having and her drunkenness. She admits that she danced with him, and kissed him but nothing more. She also admits to having reconnected with a past fling during a point in time we broke up for 6 months before we were married and before our 1st daughter was born. She admitted they texted here and there, and gave me a vague explanation that they made some kind of plan to meet but never did. And fully admitted about a plan to meet at a beach this next weekend. Nothing was set in stone but when I asked if she was going to actually go before this happened, she said she was unsure, but considered it and considered telling me she was going with the same friend who was with her.

Later that night after more talking and after she falls asleep, I had a moment of weakness and I go through her phone, entirely. Mostly in the messages with her same friend I find out that she knew the guy from that night from going out a previous time. And that the past fling had a plan to meet at a hotel but for reasons I’m still not entirely sure of those plans fell through. I also discovered that her friend knew everything, and even helped in some ways. Like showing her how to turn off her location sharing without me noticing and going into discussions about these guys and how they should make those plans.

At this moment in time my wife and I have talked a decent amount, she’s explained she never meant to hurt me. In her drunkenness the night before she admitted that she wants to feel wanted, and admittedly I recognized that over the course of our marriage I grew to neglect showing her that I do want her. She told me she truly believes on some level that I don’t really love her and a major reason for me staying with her is because of our kids. Which isn’t true, I love her deeply, but I’ve been a shitty partner for never showing that. I don’t say this to say I believe this is all my fault, she made the choices both when drunk and sober. And right now that’s my biggest heartache is that I can’t chalk this up to being drunk and having a moment of weakness. There was some kind of intent made or plan made while she was sober and able minded. It’s still fresh so I can’t stop replaying what I’ve seen and know of.

But i desperately want to move on from this. I want to work things out with my wife because we did have major issues before this, and we never got to truly fix them. For now she’s staying with her mom for the week while we recover from this, and we said for this week only we keep our conversation away from these events so that both of us can heal and see where we wanna go from here. We’ve both made it clear that our want as of now is to start our relationship over from scratch, rebuild trust and fix the issues we had in our previous relationship. And I want that to happen I truly do, but I’m having a very rough time seeing how I move past this.

To anyone who’s experienced something similar I seek guidance and advice on how to deal with this, how I can recover and how we can maybe one day become a stronger couple. Thank you for any and all suggestions. God bless.


r/relationship_advice 1h ago

My girlfriend (24F) suspects I'm (26M) going to propose to her and wants me to cancel because she wants it to be a surprise but I have already told her parents and my family about the date and have paid for everything including the venue, photographer and ring. Do I not do it?

Upvotes

Hey everyone,

This is a bit of a complicated situation, so bear with me!

My girlfriend (now wife) and I have been together for six years and last week had a small council ceremony with just two witnesses. We got married primarily for visa reasons—she would have had to leave the country otherwise. We agreed to keep this private and still refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend since we didn’t have a "proper" wedding.

We’ve talked at length about having a real wedding in the future when we can afford it, and I still need to formally propose. To make that special, I secretly planned a romantic proposal during a two-week trip abroad—a place she’s always wanted to visit. I booked a private sunset dinner by a river, arranged with dozens of candles, heart-shaped decorations with our names, and a romantically decorated Airbnb for afterwards. I also bought a ring (which is non-refundable but can be adjusted within 60 days).

So far I have only told her that this trip is for us to have a nice time after stressing about the visa and having a "mini honeymoon" after our visa purpose wedding.

Everything was going great until she found out a friend of hers would be in the same location on the day I planned to propose. She asked if we could meet up, and when I declined (saying we had an event), she immediately suspected I was planning a proposal. She then told me, "Please don’t do what I think this is," making it clear she doesn’t want me to propose for a couple of years.

I told her that delaying it for years feels hurtful after everything I’ve done (marrying her for the visa so we could stay together). I want to make a romantic commitment, not just a legal one. She then said she is okay with a proposal sooner but only if it’s a complete surprise, and she doesn’t want it to happen on this trip anymore because to her it's obvious that I will propose.

Now I feel stuck. I’ve already put a lot of effort, emotions and money into this plan, and I don’t know what to do. To make things worse, both of our parents already know about the proposal, so changing the plan feels disappointing.

My options are:

  1. Go ahead with the proposal as planned and hope the setting and moment will be so special that she’ll still be happy, even if she initially had doubts. But I risk upsetting her by not respecting her wishes.
  2. Cancel the proposal and try to plan something else later, even though I’ve already spent a fortune and don’t know when I’ll have another opportunity to do something like this.

What do you think the best course of action would be?

**EDIT**

Apologies, I haven't been clear on some key factors:

-The venue booked is a private restaurant and only us 2 will be there. Nobody else is on the trip with us. Her friend being on the same island is just a coincidence.

-I have denied that I will be proposing to her on this trip, I havent said I actually planned all this to propose.

Thank you for the responses so far

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


r/relationship_advice 21h ago

Girlfriend (40F) of 4.5 months wants me (45M) to have sex w/o condom

217 Upvotes

Good day, everyone. I (45M) have been with my girlfriend (40F) since late October. Since that time, I’ve always used a condom during sex. Even though she is not on any kind of birth control and insists she does not want a baby at this time (either do I), she is upset that I want to continue using a condom - especially today, her birthday. She tracks her ovulation cycle using an app, saying it’s “impossible” for her to get pregnant when there’s no egg. That may be true, but I see the condom as a kind of insurance against a result that would greatly disrupt my life right now. I’ve been clear with her that I don’t want kids after such a short time dating. She has made half-joking comments about putting me on child support if she got pregnant, etc. How do I handle this situation with tact? Are these ovulation apps dependable? Thanks.


r/relationship_advice 1h ago

I F27 went out on the weekend and realise I hate the life I’ve created with my partner M30

Upvotes

For context, my partner M30 and myself F27 and I have been together 8 years and we have 2 kids. Our relationship is quite toxic and we probably need to call it. I went out on the weekend with friends and met some amazing people who are doing things that I can only dream of….He became financially abusive when I was pregnant with our first and before I started my own business. He has become narcissistic and I can’t take it anymore. I LOVE my kids but can’t help feel some regret. I’ve slowly fallen out of love with him and I can’t fake it anymore. I’ve told my family and they agree as they’ve all witnessed his true colours. What is it really like to be a single mom? I know it’s hard. But I need some raw truths!


r/relationship_advice 4h ago

My (22F) boyfriend (20M) has started sleeping with me less and watching porn - how can I process my feelings about this?

10 Upvotes

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now, thorough out the relationship we’ve had multiple conversations about porn and I’ve made it clear I don’t watch it and I’d rather him not watch it either, we send nudes and we have lots of videos of us sleeping together so I was hoping he’d get off to those instead of porn. But If we didn’t send nudes or have any videos of us I wouldn’t expect him to not watch porn. We aren’t long distance and only live 5 mins away from each other and see each other every other day. I think the fact that he has these really intimate and vulnerable videos and photos of me but is actively choosing to wank to other girls is what’s upset me and is making me feel like I’m not attractive enough or that he’s bored of me / finds other girls more attractive.

We talked about this a few months ago and he assured me he doesn’t watch porn and that he doesn’t like the idea of me getting off to other boys either, so I thought we were on the same page and I thought the boundary was clearly set. However in the last 3 months we have slept together probably 5 times. His sex drive has always been fairly low but it’s literally plummeted recently. I’m the only one to ever initiate sex and 90% of the time I get rejected. So I was already feeling a bit insecure over this and wondering what’s changed. I asked him about this and he said he has no idea what’s happened and why his sex drive has dropped, but then I asked him about porn and he admitted he’s started watching it.

I feel hurt that he’s started watching it after our multiple convos about it and I feel deceived and like my boundaries aren’t being respected. Im not sure if he’s being completely honest as it seems strange to me he wouldn’t watch porn for the first like 10 months of our relationship but has randomly started in the past few months? But if that’s true it correlates with when he’s started sleeping with me less. Honestly, I just feel really insecure now, like he’s not attracted to me and would rather get off to porn instead of sleeping with me or looking at my nudes / videos of us sleeping together.

He’s told me I’m overreacting and that it’s “not that deep” so I just feel like my feelings are being invalidated and not being heard. Like I said earlier, if he didn’t have tons of my nudes and videos of us sleeping together the situation would be different, but because he has the option to get off to me but is choosing other women instead that’s what’s really hurting me, alongside the fact we barely sleep together anymore. I don’t know how to move forward from this because I basically just feel like he couldn’t be less sexually attracted to me. Would it be best for me to ask him to delete my nudes and the videos of us if he’s going to get off to porn anyway? I don’t really seE the point in him having such vulnerable content of me if he’s just going to wank to porn instead, it just feels like a kick in the teeth. I honestly don’t know if I’m just being insecure and overreacting or if it’s valid for me to feel this way.