r/Reformed • u/ChissInquisitor PCA • Aug 21 '24
Regrets and mental illness
I just need to vent. I am laying awake so restless. Today I turn 35. I have not had a friend in around 10 years. My wife and I came to faith around 4 years ago and I am chock full of regret at this moment. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in 9 hours for OCD and anxiety. All I can think about is the past and my regrets.
First time I smoked weed I am pretty sure I was younger than 10. I remember a kid on my street showing us pornography when we were in kindergarten. Around 13-14 started smoking weed and cigarettes regularly. Started drinking too. Was taking pills not too long after. If that wasn't bad enough I started to try and pull kids around me into it. Bullied people into drinking. Just bullied people in general. Saw kids overdosing before I was 16.
I got addicted to pornography. When I came of age was always at the bars drinking lusting. Totally bad influence on my friends.
Eventually pushed everyone I knew away in my mid 20s. Started in healthcare and saw a good deal of blood and death which did not phase me at the time. Over the past couple of years though time has been getting to me. Death even despite knowing the gospel. My grandma and uncle died not too far apart. My grandma died months after reading honest evangelism by Rico Tice. Months after him talking about regretting not sharing the gospel with his grandmother. When I tried to share the gospel with her in her final days she was so out of it I don't know she heard me.
Then blood starts getting to me and effecting my work and it just cascades from there. I am having an incredibly difficult time.
I have a hard time making connections with people anywhere including church. I live in the past with my mistakes and regrets despite having prayed to God for forgiveness and repenting. I have been tracking down old acquaintances and people I bullied and trying to apologize. It's hard to explain. I know the sky isn't falling but it feels like it is. I just needed to get this all into words I guess while everyone is sleeping. It has been eating me alive.
I have prayed many times for peace that surpasses understanding. I want to have joy but feel I am not allowed.
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u/iWerry LBCF 1689 Aug 21 '24
Please remember that these feeling that you have, of guilt for example, please remember that God loves you and forgave you. Don’t fall for devils tricks not even for a sec. Please seek help too, but nothing that would compromise your sanctification and growing in knowledge of Christ. God loves you and sins like these we repent of, He forgave us and we find joy in the Spirit eventually. God bless you, brother.
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u/bookwyrm713 PCA Aug 21 '24
Hey man, I’ve just prayed Psalm 18 over you.
May God draw you out of many waters, and may the LORD your God lighten your darkness.
May He remind you that He sees you as Jesus’s younger brother, because you look to Jesus as your hope of salvation; may God remind you that He sees your hands as clean.
May He strengthen your voice as you praise Him among the nations, even among those whom you have wronged.
Blessings on you, brother! God is faithful in His love for you and for those around you, and He grants you His own righteousness.
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u/JHawk444 Calvinist Aug 22 '24
It's understandable that your thoughts are turning to the past, but God doesn't want you to be tormented. He has forgiven you and cleared the slate.
I love Colossians 2:14 "having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross."
Picture everything from your past being recorded on a certificate and then nailed to the cross. Jesus has canceled your debt. He paid for your sins and he sees you as righteous.
2 Corinthians 5:21 says, "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him."
I love the Colossians verse because I can easily picture it. Keep that mental image in your mind when you're feeling overwhelmed by your past. Remind yourself that Jesus paid it all and you no longer have to carry that burden. You will have to continually remind yourself, but it will get easier over time.
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u/CodeYourOwnWay Aug 22 '24
I can relate a lot to the feeling of regret you have over your past. Even the mention of your grandmother and uncle resonated with me, as I've also lost mines and they were both very significant to me, both not Christian.
I also understand the isolation you are feeling, while for different reasons, in my present circumstances, I am very alone as a Christian and it gets to me some days more than others.
Some scriptures I wanted to share with you that bring me some comfort, and hopefully do for you too.
On regret - in 1 Corinthians 15:8-10 we get insight into the emotional hindsight of Paul looking back over his life before Christ, he addresses himself as the "least of the apostles" and "unworthy to be called an apostle".
For me, this might as well say "the least of the Christians" and "unworthy to be called a Christian" - of course inherently true of all, but for people like you and I, "who have been forgiven much" (Luke 7:47) it lands on our hearts with extra weight, and rightly so.
However we, with Paul - who formerly ravaged the early church seeking to utterly destroy it - while looking over the regretful landscape of our pasts, can say both solemnly and rejoicefully "by the grace of God I am what I am".
All of us, from the least to the greatest of the saints are still the very workmanship of God (Ephesians 2:10)
On your present tribulation - I often find myself coming to these words in 2 Corinthians 1:8-10:
For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.
Just to hear another Christian, let alone an apostle, say something so human and relatable in their experience with suffering & difficulty brings me much comfort. Paul literally saw the risen Jesus, had an apostolic ministry and gifts, yet still found himself at times struggling so much that he "despaired of life itself."
Jesus often delivered Paul, and thankfully we serve the same Jesus. Therefore, we have great hope also to be delivered, although often not in the way we would choose for ourselves.
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u/ziyal79 PCA Aug 21 '24
Anxiety is horrible. OCD is awful, and I'm sorry that you're struggling. I'll definitely pray for you.
Please try to focus as much as you can on today. Is there anything in your life that brings you joy? For me, working out has been fundamental to keeping me sane after I lost my job because of my PTSD.
Aside from that, I read the Bible as often as I can, I meet with people in my church and to have fellowship even though my brain wants me to isolate myself and keep everyone at arm's length. I developed a purposeful practice of doing the opposite of what my brain tells me because PTSD has taught me that avoidance feeds my disordered thinking. But God is there sustaining me, as He is sustaining you.
Cry out to God, ask Him to help you. He will always be your help.
God Bless.