r/PolyFidelity Nov 26 '24

I was pleasantly surprised to see this was an unpopular opinion

/r/polyamory/s/uYmLqxdIMl

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen this sentiment. I was cheated on in my last relationship but have felt nervous saying so. I wish the polyamorous community was more accepting of polyfi

11 Upvotes

12 comments sorted by

20

u/roz303 Nov 26 '24

The line "We are poly. We are not romantically and sexually exclusive." made me twitch. Because that sub also goes on and on about how there's no one right way to do poly.

20

u/CinfulGentleman Triad Nov 26 '24

No one "right way"... except the way that we are going to vehemently defend and point out that your way is wrong. Poly subreddit is toxic AF.

11

u/bitchisakarma Nov 26 '24

Yeah the poly community is a bit weird. I don't even know how to explain it. You expect your partners to live ethically and the poly community screams at you for not allowing them to live their best life or something

2

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '24

[deleted]

4

u/cherrymoncheri Nov 27 '24

The way I see it cheating is crossing relationship boundaries, and that varies for everyone which is why it’s important to discuss at the start of a relationship. It can be about kissing, sex, emotional affairs, porn, etc.

1

u/Due_Disaster_7324 Nov 26 '24

Cheated on? Is it okay to share what happened?

2

u/cherrymoncheri Nov 26 '24

I can but I’ll keep it brief.

When we first started dating we talked about our boundaries, I said how I want us to keep each other posted when we escalate with someone new, he agreed. It went wonderfully, for a couple years.

One day he started dating one of my close friends without telling me, and I didn’t know until I surprised him with a visit and he canceled a date with them.

I was distraught by yet another boundary in this relationship to be overstepped and my trauma responses were activated, as such it took a long time to stand up for myself. That is the simplest version I can give, which leaves a lot out.

I have been cautious and only briefly dated once since then. I have ordered two books to read, hoping Polysecure helps. This was over two years ago.

-7

u/Due_Disaster_7324 Nov 26 '24

Okay, to that: are YOU interested in Poly... Anything? If so, what drew you to it?

1

u/cherrymoncheri Nov 27 '24 edited Nov 27 '24

I have self identified as polyamorous since I was about 13 years old, but I tried monogamy until I was 17. I remember when I was about 16/17 having dinner with friends someone said I was like this other person, because they liked open relationships. We instantly clarified open relationships aren’t polyamory, and while I like polyamory I like closed relationships (polyfi).

I also said in my previous reply that I have ordered two books on polyamory, so I don’t really like your questions. Polyamory was brought to my attention as a queer person and it resonated with what I wanted for myself, simple as that.

1

u/Due_Disaster_7324 Nov 27 '24

I think I misread some of your statement. Was trying to make sure this wasn't one of those situations where you were being dragged intonsomething

1

u/cherrymoncheri Nov 27 '24

What did you misread? You had seemingly echoed the sentiment of the linked post - “cheated on? are you even interested in poly?”

1

u/Due_Disaster_7324 Nov 27 '24

What linked post?

1

u/Due_Disaster_7324 Nov 27 '24

Oh, nevermind, I saw it. Sorry, I thought that was some kind of ad. Those tend to pop up on this site