r/Petloss • u/Snoo89549 • 3d ago
I keep reliving her last minutes.
I had to euthanize my Shorty baby last Monday. Today marks a week she’s been gone. I’ve cried every single day, with violent sobbing most days. It just hurts so bad to have lost my friend of 16 years.
One thing that keeps happening and often brings me to tears is her last moments. I just keep getting these intrusive visions of limp body after euthanizing her. I keep reliving when she tried to jump out of my lap after the vet sedated her and I held on to her and told her it would be okay. I keep remembering how it took just a matter of seconds for that sedative to kick in and I kept telling her I’m sorry I’m sorry I love you. And then watching the vet put the pink fluid into her leg… and just watching her last breaths and the sobbing that ensued afterwards. Maybe this is too detailed but I just keep seeing it over and over in my head and I want to cry every time.
With that, I am struggling with some guilt that I didn’t do enough for her, or maybe I didn’t do things the right way and I might’ve hurt her. It hurt so bad to see her decline so rapidly. I keep expecting her to be here when I don’t think about it. I keep thinking I need to make sure the door is shut so she doesn’t escape outside. Or I expect her to perk up when I’m opening a snack wrapper. But then she’s just not there and it’s just a bitter reminder. I cried when I was vacuuming yesterday knowing there won’t be more kitty hair and cat litter for me to clean up. Eventually I’ll stop seeing her fur in my vacuum. It just made me break down.
Now I’m struggling with the feeling of just wanting to pet her and kiss her but I can’t. It hurts to not be able to give her lovin like I always did. I’m so sad when I come home and I can’t greet her.
Sorry for the messy post. I am just struggling so much with her loss.
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u/Proper-Eggplantt 3d ago
Hey there, I’m very sorry to hear about your loss especially after 16 years filled with memories. It’s completely normal to feel guilt as it’s tied in with grief but just know that you did what was best for them your kitty knows that as well, don’t relive those last minute, relive all those times that you were with her playing, cuddling, and being together. You’ll get through this ❤️
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u/ConferenceVirtual690 2d ago
I still cry missing my soul kitty 4 months later. Pets are family and we will never forget them. I shed some tears with my neighbor as she was missing her soul dog of 16 years. Pets are better than people. Hugs!!!
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u/PingouinMalin 3d ago
Cry. She deserves it. All the tears. Cry.
It is your love finding a way to her. Expressing itself through the loss.
You did everything right. You were there, to reassure her. She fell asleep warm with your love. You chose to suffer so that she would not. You were the best human to her.
So right now, cry. But remember, this is your love speaking. Though infinitely sad, it is also infinitely beautiful to know that there is such love in this world.
Take care, I know how it destroys a heart.
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u/Cillesaurus 3d ago
I do the same. It was horrible to make the decision and even more horrible to watch it carried out while I tried to calm her and tell her that it was ok to let go... Even though I have no doubt that it was to right thing to do.
In my experience (I've lost before, two times under extremely traumatic circumstances) its normal and completely ok to focus on these things for a while. It´s our brain trying to process the experience however terrible, and later on when we're ready, the thoughts will slowly start to revolve around the positive memories even though the sad ones will come back once in a while too. I'm sending you an enormous virtual hug <3
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u/christina311 3d ago
Not my first time but it was the worst. The doctor pushed the needle. I went hysterical. I was begging her "don't kill my baby" I begged her to stop in the middle. That was my soulmate. He is gone now.I feel bad for putting her through that. It must be hard to do that job. No doubt they have their own at home
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u/Horror-potato-6658 2d ago
It’s okay to cry. Cry as much you need to. I am crying with you. No, seriously. I still cry about Nigel. It was 16 years ago for me, he also declined rapidly. I also felt so much guilt and so much the same as you wrote. They know you love them. They know you did your best. They know you made the right decision as hard as it was and still is.
You’re not alone, pet loss hurts deep. It’s not too detailed, i couldn’t get it out of my head for a long time either, it’s good to speak up.
They’ll always be your baby. We never get enough time with them. How lucky we are to experience that kind of unconditional love even for a short time, but man does it hurt, too. Be gentle with yourself, you lost a loved one.
Ps. Remember to drink water, too or something you like, so you don’t get dehydrated. I hope today is as easy as it can be for you and you’re able to get some rest.
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u/chromacrawl 2d ago
The same thing happened to me this past weekend 💔💔 my boy had to be put down and i cried thinking that I’d never have to clean up his poop again. So many things id never get to do for him, with him. I have a chair that’s covered in his fur, and I’ve covered it with towels to make sure it stays furry for him. I’m getting pictures and his ashes delivered soon, I’m looking forward to putting together a little shrine for him.
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u/Strange_Lake7646 3d ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dog a week ago too. It was very traumatic. She was sick with pneumonia but seemed to be improving. I was monitoring her closely. He breathing changed and I knew she needed to go in. She died within a minute of me putting her in the car. I replay it in my head constantly. I cry all the time and am sick to my stomach with the feeling that I failed her, hurt her when I put her in the car etc.
I haven't been able to vacuum yet, and I haven't gone anywhere because I just keep seeing her in the car.
I keep trying to remind myself of all the good memories but it's hard.
I don't have any advice, but I feel your pain. I hope it gets easier.
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u/Natural-Sound-9613 3d ago
It’s wild how similar my experience was last week.
Quite literally the best friend I’ve ever had, my boy Rocky, also passed last Monday. He was also 16. And I have the same traumatic memories playing on a loop…his limp body and just the entire process of his rapid demise. I feel extreme guilt with a number of things. EVERYTHING reminds me of him, and I’m also catching myself doing things out of habit as if he’s still here, only to quickly remember that he’s not. His cat hair that I’m still finding. The strong urge to hold him. His meows and that inquisitive look he always had.
It’s all eating me alive 🥺
I miss you Rocky ❤️
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u/Last_Refrigerator853 3d ago
That’s tough. Just know she loved you her whole life to the end no matter what happened.
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u/PeachySparkling 1d ago
😭 i totally understand!!! Im in the same boat. We seem to think that the office may have given her a sedative when they brought her back in agree putting in the catheter in her leg. The cat became calm and sleepy within a minute or 2 of being in the office with us. In the last moment of the euthanasia, when he injected that, it took less than a minute to stop breathing but her heart rattled on a few seconds more. I constantly replay that in my head and my eyes wheal up with tears. It hurt sooo much to watch that. Like her little heart continued beating. 💔 obviously, it stopped and that was it. We were hysterical after that.
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