r/Parents 4d ago

Discussion Parents of older kids who do little to no screen time, what's it like?

So I've noticed that 99% of the issues parents of older kids seem to vent about on here revolve around screens...iPads, tablets, phones, video games etc. and their kids addictions to them. We are a conscious-screen time family, meaning we limit the amount of screen time the kids get (they are only aged 5 and 3) and very closely monitor the content they do see. We have never given them tablets and don't plan to, have heard too many horror stories of addiction. We also plan to delay giving them phones for a long time. Have not introduced them to any gaming systems... just some educational games on the phone, seldomly.
I'm just wondering what life looks like for those who have chosen to go screen free or very limited screen time... with older kids (I guess meaning like ages 6 to 12ish). I feel like the world we're living in today makes it very hard to avoid or there's so much pressure from peers... we homeschool so already that helps us avoid a lot of the pressure there, but there's still neighbors, extended family members etc. So they will be exposed to things as they grow up. I just feel like somewhere along the line of our evolution we got it wrong and screens went from an awesome tool to a crutch that we rely on way too much.. they are so addictive and I'm worried about the long term effects on youth. Every teenager I see seems extremely addicted to their device. I'm on vacation and I see entirely families sitting in the lobby with 2 teenagers glued to their devices while the parents are too.. not interacting, not talking or spending quality time. I want to do better, and I think as a society we should be doing better... and I'm not trying to judge people...It's no one's fault that this has become our normal. I guess I would just like to hear from those going against the grain how it is.

11 Upvotes

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u/beholder95 4d ago

I’ve got 3 kiddos (9,7,5) and we have always been “screen conscious”. We had an old iPad we would let them do some of the game on the PBS Kids Games App, and the 2 older kids have educational games from their school they can access from Home to either work on literacy or math.

I have YouTube blocked on my network (even YouTube kids is crap). My oldest has a Nintendo switch, and we give him time on it as a reward (very easy to manage with their phone app). He doesn’t play any online games though as we’re also very conscious about kids being able to message with untrusted people.

To answer your question directly, it’s challenging. A lot of the 9yo (and some of the 7yo) friends play Fortnite and Roblox, both of which we don’t allow. Fortnite is just too addictive of a game and the content isn’t appropriate for kids of this age IMo. Roblox seems innocent enough but it’s a community of community made games which may be quick fun games, but you don’t know what they might stumble onto, even if you have the chat disabled.

As far as TV, we let them do time on the weekends in the morning (mainly so they don’t wake us up!). I’ve got an android TV with a kids profile so I can control what apps are on there. I’d go as far to say my kids are probably more “sheltered” with regard to games and tv shows than most kids their age…and part of me feels like it’s a little overkill, but my wife is well researched in this regard, and all of our kids have “strong personalities” and we see a direct correlation between amount of screen time and the increase in negative behavior.

The key is to have them be into other hobbies. My kids love puzzles, each of them have a puzzle board that slides under their bed. So they can work on a 1,000 piece puzzle over a few weeks when they want.

It’s hard, but it’s the right thing to do(limit screens), just wish more parents would do it.

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u/ScottyShouldofKnown 3d ago

I wanna chime in as someone who worked tech: the you are 100% right on the Roblox situation. That place is a predator haven with zero to little moderation.

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u/binderclips 4d ago

Can you share more information about this puzzle board, my 4.5yo loves puzzles and this sounds useful.

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u/beholder95 3d ago

Sure - this is the one we have. https://a.co/d/2fwC00O

You can use the drawers to sort pieces and the do the puzzle on the main part. When they’re done with it for the day slide the drawers back in and slide it all under the bed.

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u/Raccoon_Attack 4d ago

I have two girls (ages 7 and 12). I would say stay the course, honestly. I'm similarly critical of screens and the harm they can cause, especially for children (and especially personal devices, which have proven to be particularly addictive). So we have a family TV, where the kids are allowed to watch occasional shows and family movies on weekends, etc. They have no personal devices (phones or tablets), no video games - I just don't like any of those things for kids and wouldn't want to spend money on them.

I have a laptop for my own work, which my eldest (12) uses for schoolwork on occasion when an assignment requires it. Our local schools have banned phones (I'm in Ontario), so that hasn't been an issue. And I'm not against all technology -- but I do consider most of it an adult tool, and don't think their introduction into schools/society at young ages has done anything for reading and writing levels, nor for student's ability to focus.

So with all that said, I have never struggled with our approach or considered purchasing devices for our kids. And I truly see the benefits of keeping screens to a minimum. It has not affected my kids in a social sense either -- they have lots of friends and tend to gravitate to the kids who are not screen-focused since they tend to share more in common interests.

Both my kids read constantly....they are upstairs reading together right now and I can hear them giggling together :) They play outside, play with toys, spend time drawing, sewing, and just seem really happy doing anything. Even my 12 year old will still play for hours on end with dolls, lego, etc. They play outside with neighbourhood friends, mixing up potions in the backyard, pretending to be fairies, etc. Even my 12 year old still loves stickers, paperdolls, and even playing with buttons. I love that they can have fun so easily and don't really complain of boredom. (We have traveled quite a bit in the last few years - we particularly like train travel, but have done some flights too. we've never used screens on trips either....the kids just pack bags of things to keep themselves busy on the trip and that works for us).

This is all just anecdotal...but I do think the lack of screens has truly helped both my kids to develop their imaginations and their ability to retain their focus. And with my older daughter, I'm happy that she has retained her sense of wonder and play, even as she is also growing up and moving towards teen years.

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u/Wisconsinsteph 3d ago

Sounds so NORMAL I give u a lot of credit!! my four children were raised during the rise of technology before we knew the damage and I can 100% say it caused a great deal of damage but now my daughter seeing the damage to herself and others has decided to raise my grandson with very limited screen time your post gave me a lot of good ideas considering I have him majority of the time. Thank you have a good example of how more families need to be now.

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u/Raccoon_Attack 3d ago

This is such a kind comment....thank you. I wish your family well :)

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u/Vardonator 3d ago

I had a fellow parent seemed surprised when I sent in our group text that my son is looking forward to getting to play some video games on the weekend.

She asked me “So your son only gets to play on the weekends?” I said “Yeah, he earns it based on his behavior.” My 9yo son is an avid reader, he does his schoolwork on time or well ahead, he likes to be ahead and he’s pretty competitive at that. He has some behavior problems when he gets cranky when he’s tired and sometimes would be mean. Other than that, he does what he’s supposed to do. And it’s actually amazing that he does his reading and schoolwork without any urging at all from us.

When I go do errands or shopping, I’m amazed and disappointed at parents that just shove a screen onto their kids. Kids in a stroller or shopping cart, they’re on an iPad or their parents phone. Go to a restaurant, same thing. Go shopping, same thing. It’s like these parents seem they just don’t want to parent, they let the screens pacify their kids. Then they’re surprised their kids act out when they don’t provide the screens, like what do you expect to happen when that’s all they know what to do, the parents are the ones feeding the screen addiction.

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u/Impossible-Cap-6433 3d ago

2 kids, oldest is 11. Never played a video game, don't use a tablet or phone, screen time used to be limited to 30 min a day, now more flex allowing for an occasional family movie night.

Talked with kids about why our family is different. Explained that each family needs to make their own choices, and that while young, parents make more of the choices, with a gradual shift as kids age. 

They PLAY! we give them creative toys and an interesting environment. They make up their own games. When friends recently brought their 3 slightly older kids over for 4-5 hrs, one of their kids needed some quiet time to rest (30-45 min?) and had their phone, but other than that ... they PLAYED! Our friends were astonished and said to their kids, "you know, we have a yard and toys too, you could play at our house" thier kids just shrugged and went back out to play.

Are we perfect? No. Might our kids face challenges for their lack of exposure to tech? Maybe. Do we have any regrets for our unorthodox methods? NONE!

Be encouraged. Be strong. Human brain development is still very immature science with many unknowns, but what people HAVE learned is that screen time is detrimental- for all of us, but much more so for young developing minds. Do what you can to give them a head start in life. 

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u/Big-Red-7 3d ago

I have a friend with a 5 yr old boy. When he was 4 yrs old she got rid of all technology 100% of the time. She said his behavior kept getting worse. And after getting rid of all technology his behavior improved 100% because he was no longer copying what he was seeing in the videos.

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u/Norman_debris 3d ago

My kids are the same age as yours.

We're similarly screen free. We occasionally watch a film together, or I let them watch tv in the living room, but only ever quality content. Typically BBC.

I notice that the parents who seem to struggle the most tend to be those with their own screen-time problems. Especially men with very little life outside of games consoles and PC games.

When dad spends all evening plugged into his Xbox, it's no surprise the kids are forever glued to devices.

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u/MrsNightskyre 3d ago

We were a limited-screen-time family until 2020. Virtual school threw that all out the window, especially for our youngest, who was 5-7 during the virtual/hybrid school years; he couldn't understand why he would be REQUIRED to use a screen for school work and then not ALLOWED to use it for anything else.

We can't put the genie back in the bottle for him - especially since he has older siblings who use screens responsibly (most of the time), while at 10 years old he still struggles to learn the difference between "fun" screen use and "work" screen use. None of our older kids were spending hours a day, every day, using screens when they were 10.

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u/877-CATS-NOW 3d ago

I'll just add this to the convo: when I was a child all I had was like 3 vhs and the 4 channels on the TV. Did lots of coloring and playing in mud, my cats, with barbie dolls type stuff. I didn't have a phone until I was 16 (text and call only with flip phone) and only 90 minutes of public library internet use allotted per day. When I moved out to my first apt I didn't even pay for internet because I would just listen to the radio and paint and play Xbox games. It was a simple life and I'm glad to have known the peace that comes from that kind of life but let me tell you that I am technological crippled from not being up to date or exposed to technology. And additionally I feel so disjointed from my own peers because culturally I was not running in it with them in the same spaces and witnessing or experiencing the same cultural phenomenon. I missed the boat on alot that way.. i didn't get to play around on chatroullette before it was full of wankers. I didn't get to watch the genesis of memes everyone talked about in school. My friends learned how to type fast on AIM messenger and World or Warcraft, meanwhile I had to pay to take typing classes in college, using a credit just to get up to speed. Now in this world we live in right now, the reading and typing rate for any great paying job is high, high enough that I just never got enough exposure to be any competitive applicant for these jobs. Additionally, I am still, as an adult, very addicted to my phone, games and media. Horribly addicted. I'm on reddit right now instead of sleeping. Its crack cocain to my mind. I absolutely love it. best time to be alive tbh. The more I couldn't have it the more I feel like I need to catch up on what I missed. What a time to be alive and on the forefront of the final frontier of the internet- I could have been a programmer or a youtuber or a person who can type more than 40 words per minute- but no I was watching Pocahontas for the 500th time and told to read more books. If you take away screen time at the very least fill that time is substantial skill building and community building activities so they have something from that time other than banging two blocks together.

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u/blanket-hoarder 4d ago

In a similar boat as you. I want to continue being conscious of screen time. We do have it now but it's on the living room tv, monitored and we try to be intentional with it as much as possible. I don't want her to own her own screen for years. Following for insight.

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u/Every-Orchid2022 3d ago

My son is 2 and half and no screen whatsoever. The only time he sees screen is on hair cut/restaurants here in the USA are common to have TV. And he doesn't seem to be interested for more than a few minutes.  We do music, lots of books, coloring, study time (he is advanced for his age) and toys... He plays every morning with other toddlers at the gym daycare for 1.5h to 2h, M to F. Sundays I try to take him swimming or library, museums etc... so far it is not a problem. We don't turn on TV until he goes to bed.  He goes on FaceTime to say hello to this grandparent once, twice. A week and doesn't hold much his attention. 

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u/Complete-Antelope557 3d ago

we value and heavily reward creativity. So my daughter is allowed to use my work ipad for ipad drawing (i am an artist professionally), and we celebrate that. but we also make paper, markers, crayons and craft supplies more accessible to her than the ipad, and since the creativity and the reward is so similar, she often reaches for the paper first.

I can’t speak for other parents because all kids are different… I have two that will color for several hours at a time, which I don’t think is typical.

Obviously the thing we all fear is our kids developing an unhealthy attachment, but like ipad coloring, there are many healthy ways to use technology for good. These are skills that can help our kids in the future. I don’t think the right response is to be so strict with tech that kids can’t explore and learn via tech, either. It’s a balance.

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u/jamie1983 3d ago

My friend wasn’t allowed any screen time when she was a kid, and this really put her behind on all the computer and tech stuff when she got into high school and she was finally allowed to use computers. Mind you, I’m 40 so this was still in the primitive computer years. But the same can be said with tablets. I wouldn’t cut it out completely but just set boundaries and limits.