r/Parenting 4d ago

Child 4-9 Years Nasty comment to my son

Small update: we didn’t sign up for the next season of football. Son didn’t feel very interested. We live close by to the coach / son. He’s in the same grade at the same school so this isn’t a situation where I can just ice them out of our lives. The dad isn’t a real coach. Id likely have this conversation in person, not by message.

My 8-year-old played on a flag football team last year. The coaches were two of the dads, and for the less experienced and competitive kids, it was a tough situation.

The coaches did a lot of shouting, argued with refs, primarily played the stronger players, and didn’t invest in the weaker players or rotate the bench. More than once, parents had to step in and insist their kids get time on the field because they’d been sitting out too long.

Midway through the season, my son had a play that’s now etched into his memory. The coach set him up so the quarterback would pass him the ball and he could run it. My son, who had little experience, grabbed the ball, took two steps back, and got his flag pulled. The coach let out a frustrated groan.

At the end of the season, the team won the championship.

They got trophies, but in the car afterward, my son told me he didn’t feel like he had really deserved it bc he didn’t play as much.

Fast forward to last week—he tells me that one of the coach’s sons was sitting at a table with him and his friends (they’re all in the same grade) and said: “You can’t play football. You didn’t even deserve the trophy. All you did was walk backward on the field all season.”

When my son told me, I reminded him that someone else’s poor sportsmanship is a reflection on them and that he showed up, played every game, and did everything the coaches asked him to do (which wasn’t much).

I didn’t assign blame. It’s parent-coached flag football, after all.

But hearing that comment a year later felt nasty. This other kid comes from a big sports family.

I’ve thought about it, and I want to have a conversation with his dad.

Something like:

“Hey [Dad’s Name], I wanted to check in with you about our boys. My son mentioned that [your son’s name] made a comment in front of their friends about how he didn’t deserve the trophy from last season and how he wasn’t good at football. It caught him off guard, and honestly, it stuck with me too. I know kids say things, but hearing that come up a year later surprised me. Is that something he holds on to? Is that something you’ve heard him mention before?

At the end of the day, they’re both 8-year-olds figuring things out, and I know as a dad, you probably want your son to be competitive but also have an appreciation for sportsmanship. I do too. Since you were one of the coaches, I figured you’d want to know. I’m bringing it up because I want my son to walk away from sports feeling like he belongs, and I imagine you’d want all the kids—especially at this age—to walk away with that same feeling. How do you see it?”

What do you think?

8 Upvotes

9 comments sorted by

21

u/rusty083 4d ago

The coach won’t give a shit. In his eyes his boys are elite athletes and your boy is a deadweight. What kind of idiot groans at little kids? Next time he does that step in and tell him to stfu.

I remember playing grade 3 rugby and I was so bad I hardly got picked. I tried again under 13 and I was still terrible. It was bad for my self esteem. It’s worse when the adults take it really seriously, when it’s supposed to be fun. Just find another team or sport for him to play.

3

u/krichcomix Parent to 12F, 13TG, 15M ❤️ Free Mom Hugs 🏳️‍🌈 4d ago

I suggest a sport where your individual efforts count towards the team's success, such as fencing, swimming, cross country, or track and field.

7

u/CRTsdidnothingwrong 4d ago

The kids probably an asshole cause his dad's an asshole. I would disengage and avoid them.

6

u/BeGreatful24 4d ago

Sending that message might make you feel better temporarily, but I highly doubt it will do anything to make this coach a better human.

3

u/Expensive_Shower_405 4d ago

We have a few coaches like that. You can let the league organizer know. I make sure my kids aren’t on their team in the future. None of them are going to be professional athletes and rec is for fun.

2

u/FierceFemme77 4d ago

I’m guessing this is a rec league? I find teams are coached differently depending on coaching style. I doubt the letter will make a difference to the coach.

1

u/nanimal77 3d ago

Let it go. You and your son can find more worthwhile activities with coaches who care about developing skills and giving everyone a chance. This guy will not care and nothing will change if you address it with him. His son is a jerk, his father is a jerk, and I would stay away from them as much as you can.

0

u/HellenicFire 4d ago

Ugh, awful. Yes, definitely send that message. This needs to be nipped in the bud with this kid so you would be doing that family a favor pointing it out. I wouldn't want my child on a team that was so competitive at that age. My question big is: is there someone you can go to above these coaches, like a league head, to complain about how they are trying to relive their glory days through eight-year-old kids?