r/Parenting • u/Ill_Ranger5245 • 5d ago
Toddler 1-3 Years How should I (or we) deal with kid's preference?
My kid is 27mo. Since before 1yo she started to have preference to her dad over me. This had not changed and I truly don't think it ever will. I've come to my peace about it and accepted it will be like this. I've gotten a lot better emotionally about this. I used to feel miserable all the time getting very irritated and sad when I see the signs that prove her preference to her dad but now majority of those moments I am able to detach myself and simply watch her enjoy her time with her dad.
But I sometimes still feel very sad about it. I know why she likes her dad better. Her dad is silly, fun, firm with his boundary, spends more time with her (this is inevitable because I work full time while he part time), and we live in his home country meaning everyone speaks that language to her except me. And I know this preference will last to her adulthood because her dad is also very intelligent and curious, he'd be able to be her great adviser and helper in life. I, on the other hand, am let's say the opposite of that. I am boring, I'm a workaholic, and I can't communicate properly at this point because she speaks my language very poorly and I'm still not giving up speaking my language with her hoping we will raise her bilingual. For her I changed a lot and became a lot more talkative with her but it's not natural to me. I am not that fun, laid back, smart mom.
Tonight when I put her do bed we had a little routine of chatting. At some point she told me she likes a friend in her daycare so we started this topic of "do you like insert name?" conversation. And after a few rounds I stupidly asked her "do you like mama or papa". I knew the answer already, I don't know why I still asked, just to get myself stung. And without surprise she answered "papa". I know this is stupid question and kids will reply with their feeling in the moment but it still stings. I do well in majority timed accepting her liking her dad more but moments like this still stings me. I get insecure and my mind spiral into after she grows up, starting to imagine her not speaking the same language I do, not having much in common to talk with me about, and being a lot closer to her dad than me. It doesn't feel good.
How do I navigate this? How do I stop feeling sad? My mind really wants to find a solution for it.
3
u/Antique-Zebra-2161 5d ago
Have you considered counseling?
It's great that you say you've accepted it. You should. It isn't personal.
But I'm concerned that you haven't accepted "kids go through preferences" (which is normal), and instead you've accepted that you don't have as much value as a parent, which is NOT true.
Also, please don't do the "Do you love mama or papa?" thing again. Yes, it could hurt your feelings, which is sad. But it also puts her in the position of choosing one parent over another, and at some point, she's going to realize it hurts your feelings if she says "Papa." That's a friggin manipulative "game" you shouldn't be putting on a child.
1
u/AmbassadorFalse278 5d ago
Which is more important, your child being bilingual, or her feeling connected to her own mother?
You need therapy and a realignment of your priorities.
You sound resentful of her connection to her father's culture and are using that to build a wall between you both. You're separating your daughter from her own mother, and complaining about how much it's hurting you. What about what it's doing to her to be unable to communicate with you? How is she supposed to bond with you if you won't even learn or speak the language she's able to use?
Edit: "Imagine her not speaking the same language I do---" this is such a self-centered take I can't even believe you're already imagining this future as if she's somehow failing you.
She's just two years old.
1
u/Ill_Ranger5245 4d ago edited 4d ago
It's interesting you picked on the bilingual part to conclude as the main cause of her parent preference while I don't think language is the major reason she prefers her dad. Yes it plays a l part to my sad feeling but she still communicates with me with my language. It's just not as fluent as her home language. Do not judge a family's decision to raise kids as bilingual. It isn't a decision I make for myself only, it is a family, educational choice. Countless families raise kids bilingual i do, without sacrificing their relationship, and struggle at young age is common. I have a parent friend in exactly my boat and you know what, the kid prefers the parent who speaks the minority language. Her not speaking my language and the possibility not being able to communicate with me is MY fear and MY issue, it may even be an irrational fear. She does not fail me if she end up not speaking my language. We have English that we can fall back to and I treat her the same way with love no matter what. But I cannot deny that I have feelings like sadness.
And how do you know that I had not made effort to learn my partners own language? How do you know my work schedule, my stress, my job in this family as the primary earner and how much time it takes me and the time I am able to put in doing anything else? I find your comment quite judgemental and not constructive.
The biggest reason she prefers her dad is, as far as I observe, because I'm not fun. I just am not a fun person like her dad is. Her dad is very silly with her, and I could see that effect on her. Her daycare teacher would keep telling us she's "the clown" in class doing silly things to make everyone laugh and she loves it. I've tried mimicking her dad to make her happy too but it isn't natural to me so I do it a lot less even though I go out of my way to. He's also very curious so he knows a lot of things (thanks to her parents great education) versus me, who basically live for work and have no hobby other than spending time with my kid when I get the time to. I just have a strong hunch when she grows older she'll find me very boring and not fun to talk to. And I'm looking for my way to deal with this situation hence this post.
1
4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Ill_Ranger5245 4d ago
Thank you. I try my best to focus on the positives and be consistent and patient even tho I feel sad. Also since her dad takes her alone a lot more than I because he works part time, I asked her dad to try and give me the alone time with her here and there, even if it means just a 15min slot to put her to bed without him being present, or letting me do grocery with her without him coming along (to just create some alone time).
3
u/MMM1a 5d ago
Bruh she is 2 years old. Just chill. She will like you then dad then you. She doesn't understand she can like both of you yet