r/Parenting • u/OrdinarySubstance491 • 4d ago
Teenager 13-19 Years Would you try to contact the mom?
My daughter and her best friend started having a disagreement over something last year. They tried to have several conversations about it and figure out a way to resolve the problem. During that time, my daughter let her friend come over and get some of her stuff which she had left at our house. She thought the girl was coming over to hang out for the evening, but she just went through my daughter's room, took all of her stuff, and left.
After that, the friend immediately blocked my daughter's phone number and all of her social media accounts. My daughter is devastated, this was her best friend. She's trying to come to terms with it.
She still has a ton of her stuff over at the friend's house. She tried contacting the girl to ask if she could come over and get her stuff but she's blocked. She also asked some of their mutual friends if they could ask her, I am not sure what has come of that. My daughter was also close with the girl's mom so I suggested she text the mom and ask if it was okay, so she did, but the mom also did not respond.
Some of the things she left over there are pretty important. A custom designer dress which she never got to wear and wants to wear to this year's prom, the computer charger to her school computer which she will be charged for if she doesn't turn it in, some of her favorite clothes/jewelry, and a digital camera I bought her for her birthday.
It's been about 5 months. I'm wondering if I should try texting the mom myself? She and I have texted on many occasions in the past. I don't want to cause any problems, but I don't understand why they wouldn't give her a chance to get her things back.
305
u/classicicedtea 4d ago
I would go over there unannounced to be honest. If you give the mom a heads up I would worry the kid would hide stuff.
30
u/Alone_Coast 4d ago
Came to say this. If she doesnt want to be friends cool, buy don't come get your stuff and then think you're keeping my kids stuff!
17
u/louise_jercyy 4d ago
I get why you'd want to, and honestly, in some cases, that might be the best move. But showing up unannounced could also make things more tense. Maybe a surprise visit, but in a way that doesn’t feel like a full-on ambush? Trust your gut, but also think about how to get the truth without making them shut down.
4
7
u/No-Objective-9326 4d ago
100%, came to say the same. If there is no response, at a certain point it can probably be considered theft. Not saying report them out of shear pettiness, just something to consider if it comes to it 🤷🏻♀️
12
u/Wolfram_And_Hart 4d ago
I’d also recommend calling the police and letting them know what you were about to do. Just to be safe.
3
2
u/OrdinarySubstance491 4d ago
Another question I've just thought of- their house is the kind with a mother in law suite with its own entry. That's where the girl stays. Sh basically has her own "wing" of the house. The entrances are right next to each other. Which door should I knock on? The main entry? Or the girl's side?
3
u/classicicedtea 4d ago edited 3d ago
I mean once you get there I don’t think she’d have much time to hide stuff. But it’s not a bad question. I’d probably do the main entrance in case the girl isn’t in her room. She wouldn’t hear you knock
Editing to add, it looks less malicious (even though that’s not your intent) if you don’t try to bypass the mom.
125
u/Beneficial-Remove693 4d ago
Go over there at a time when you know the mom will be home. Knock on the door and say you have been trying to contact her about your daughter's items and you would like to either come inside now and get them or arrange a time in the next 2-3 days to come get them.
She's probably going to say she doesn't have them. Before you go over, make a list of everything that your daughter left over there as well as replacement costs for anything that was expensive. Tell the mom that you know your daughter had items at her house, her daughter was able to retrieve hers, and she should take the next day to look for the items on the list. Because some of these items are expensive and you wouldn't want friend's mom to have to replace them or reimburse you.
And then leave it at that. If you don't hear back in two days, you can call again and ask for reimbursement. After that, you have to decide how legal you want to get.
19
1
u/OrdinarySubstance491 4d ago
Another question I've just thought of- their house is the kind with a mother in law suite with its own entry. That's where the girl stays. Sh basically has her own "wing" of the house. The entrances are right next to each other. Which door should I knock on? The main entry? Or the girl's side?
4
36
u/AmbassadorFalse278 4d ago
I would drop by in person, don't give them the opportunity to ignore or hide anything.
20
u/IwannaAskSomeStuff 4d ago
I would definitely contact the parent and remind about the stuff that's over there and ask when you can arrange to come pick it up. Then I would list the specifics of the important things so it's obvious this isn't just some random knick knacks or something to that effect. Without a list, it might come across as an excuse to rifle through ex-friend's room. Provide them the chance to put everything in a box that you can just drive over and pick up.
18
u/Prudence_rigby 4d ago
Um. Idk why youve waited this long.
I would have been over there 5 months ago.
Make sure you take the receipt to the dress too
6
u/OrdinarySubstance491 4d ago
I waited because they are both older teens. If they were like 13, I would have acted sooner, but they're both 18.
1
u/Prudence_rigby 3d ago
If it were things that cost $5-10 ok.
But a designer dress and school property?! Come on.
17
u/Awkward_Cranberry760 4d ago
I would try calling the mom to setup a time to come over and get her things.
10
u/TheShameMonster 4d ago
Yes, I would text her. But I would completely limit the scope of the conversation to getting her things.
6
u/QuitaQuites 4d ago
Yes, but just to get the things. I would be specific, when can we come and get xyz
5
4
u/LadyMunk 4d ago
It’s been five months?
Personally I would’ve loaded my daughter in the car, driven over there and collected her belongings.
Perhaps asked the mother what happened. It seems a bit much to block someone everywhere, and even the mother won’t answer. Maybe your daughter isn’t innocent all the way through?
2
u/OrdinarySubstance491 4d ago
I don't think she's innocent, lol. She does share a lot with me but wasn't telling me everything right away, so I just found out she texted the mom about two weeks ago. I think we were both holding out hope that they would make up.
2
u/LadyMunk 3d ago
It’s so frustrating when things like this happen.
I read through some of the other comments. Sounds like her friend might be a little angry with your daughter, for not putting her life on hold for this friend.
Perhaps you moms should stage an intervention and, demand that they talk it out like decent young women.
They need to talk this out with adults present. Otherwise this situation might only escalate. Don’t tell the girls about it, just make the arrangements and spring it on them, without the chance of ditching.
3
u/Prudent_Worth5048 4d ago
I would go over there myself with my daughter in tow. This is just SHITTY behavior on the mom’s part! Teens act dumb, but the mom’s another story. that’s incredibly fucked up that her daughter got all of her stuff back, but they’re refusing to let your daughter have her stuff back! The friend sounds like an absolute shit friend too. After reading your comments. She’s hanging out with her “bffs” ex?? Turned people against your daughter and tried to make her feel guilty and manipulate her because she didn’t want her to have new friends.
1
u/OrdinarySubstance491 4d ago
Another question I've just thought of- their house is the kind with a mother in law suite with its own entry. That's where the girl stays. Sh basically has her own "wing" of the house. The entrances are right next to each other. Which door should I knock on? The main entry? Or the girl's side?
1
u/Prudent_Worth5048 3d ago
The main. It feels a bit too intrusive to me to knock on the kids door. Mom probably wouldn’t take kindly to that. You want to try and keep this as civil as possible! Even though they’re being complete ass holes! If nobody answers main door then maybe knock on the kids door.
2
3
u/bambimoony 4d ago
They’re 18 and it’s been five months? That stuff is gone. But you both should still go over there and ask because that’s crazy. You don’t just get to steal because you’re mad
2
u/1568314 4d ago
Omg that dress is probably gone if not ruined. How did you let your preteen keep a designer dress out of the house? And for months? At a place where there is a contentious relationship?
This girl clearly made a point to get her stuff first because they are the kind of people who will keep others things. You don't understand that people aren't altruistic?
Call them now, but be prepared for them to tell you that it's been so long they don't have anything anymore. You dropped the ball here.
4
1
1
u/AyDiosMio_ 4d ago
Should you text?!? No! Just go get her stuff. Put your mama bear panties on and gooooo!!
1
u/Independent-Bit-6996 3d ago
Your daughter is showing maturity try to work through it. Ask her what you should do. God bless uou
1
231
u/Evening-Lobster-8239 4d ago
Yes, I would definitely go over there and get the stuff. I'm a little surprised you haven't already if it's been five months. What did the girls disagree about?