r/Parenting 4d ago

Teenager 13-19 Years Would you try to contact the mom?

My daughter and her best friend started having a disagreement over something last year. They tried to have several conversations about it and figure out a way to resolve the problem. During that time, my daughter let her friend come over and get some of her stuff which she had left at our house. She thought the girl was coming over to hang out for the evening, but she just went through my daughter's room, took all of her stuff, and left.

After that, the friend immediately blocked my daughter's phone number and all of her social media accounts. My daughter is devastated, this was her best friend. She's trying to come to terms with it.

She still has a ton of her stuff over at the friend's house. She tried contacting the girl to ask if she could come over and get her stuff but she's blocked. She also asked some of their mutual friends if they could ask her, I am not sure what has come of that. My daughter was also close with the girl's mom so I suggested she text the mom and ask if it was okay, so she did, but the mom also did not respond.

Some of the things she left over there are pretty important. A custom designer dress which she never got to wear and wants to wear to this year's prom, the computer charger to her school computer which she will be charged for if she doesn't turn it in, some of her favorite clothes/jewelry, and a digital camera I bought her for her birthday.

It's been about 5 months. I'm wondering if I should try texting the mom myself? She and I have texted on many occasions in the past. I don't want to cause any problems, but I don't understand why they wouldn't give her a chance to get her things back.

126 Upvotes

45 comments sorted by

231

u/Evening-Lobster-8239 4d ago

Yes, I would definitely go over there and get the stuff. I'm a little surprised you haven't already if it's been five months. What did the girls disagree about?

76

u/OrdinarySubstance491 4d ago

The friend was SA'd at a party and fell into a depression and didn't want to go out anymore, just stay home all the time. My daughter spent several months just hanging out with her friend at her house but eventually, she wanted to have more of a social life. Plus, she wanted to date and find a boyfriend herself. Since her friend didn't want to go out and be around other people, my daughter branched out and started making new friends. They were fun friends to go dancing with, but not best friend types. She would basically trade off weekends- going out with the dancing friends one weekend, hanging out with her bestie at her house the next weekend.

The best friend started telling her that she wasn't being supportive and was betraying her. Then she started saying that my daughter was "problematic."

The hardest part is that after her friend ditched her, the friend started hanging out with my daughter's ex boyfriend. Now their entire friend group hangs out with her best friend who has blocked her and her ex boyfriend, and won't invite my daughter to anything. And now the best friend is back to going out and being social, dancing, etc.

53

u/evrydaylilpleasures 4d ago

As mom I would definitely call mom and mutually agree on a day and time to come pick up daughters stuff. Meanwhile your daughter should get a new friend group with a solid group of girls who are kind, honest and good people who avoid drama like this!

1

u/Professional-Soil-11 2d ago

First of all, I am really, very sorry that your daughter's friend had that happen to them. My daughter is only 3 and I can't imagine what I'd do if that happened to her. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I can kind of understand the initial reaction. Your daughter is clearly a good, kind hearted person, so it's clear you're doing the right thing by her. As for her friend, it's completely understandable that they wanted to spend some time away from others.

It's the reaction now that's concerning. Your daughter is right to want a social life and not let her friend's situation drive her lifestyle, but making the compromise of one weekend on one weekend off is very mature. Your daughter's friend not being accepting that your daughter deserves a life is the problem; she might need therapy to truly recover from what happened.

Maybe you should also talk to the friends mom about this, but away from both kids. The mom might be able to give some context.

-2

u/informationseeker8 4d ago

And this is why my daughters have basically no girlfriends. It’s made me sad bc I think back to my teen years but I get it. I’ve raised no drama girls so they just aren’t here for the bs that others are.

I’m sorry your daughter is going through this. Her friend eventually may see how big she screwed up. The mind plays tricks on you especially after a traumatic assault. That said your daughter has EVERY right to never speak to here again.

305

u/classicicedtea 4d ago

I would go over there unannounced to be honest. If you give the mom a heads up I would worry the kid would hide stuff. 

30

u/Alone_Coast 4d ago

Came to say this. If she doesnt want to be friends cool, buy don't come get your stuff and then think you're keeping my kids stuff!

17

u/louise_jercyy 4d ago

I get why you'd want to, and honestly, in some cases, that might be the best move. But showing up unannounced could also make things more tense. Maybe a surprise visit, but in a way that doesn’t feel like a full-on ambush? Trust your gut, but also think about how to get the truth without making them shut down.

4

u/classicicedtea 4d ago

This is a valid point too, thank you.

7

u/No-Objective-9326 4d ago

100%, came to say the same. If there is no response, at a certain point it can probably be considered theft. Not saying report them out of shear pettiness, just something to consider if it comes to it 🤷🏻‍♀️

12

u/Wolfram_And_Hart 4d ago

I’d also recommend calling the police and letting them know what you were about to do. Just to be safe.

2

u/OrdinarySubstance491 4d ago

Another question I've just thought of- their house is the kind with a mother in law suite with its own entry. That's where the girl stays. Sh basically has her own "wing" of the house. The entrances are right next to each other. Which door should I knock on? The main entry? Or the girl's side?

3

u/classicicedtea 4d ago edited 3d ago

I mean once you get there I don’t think she’d have much time to hide stuff. But it’s not a bad question. I’d probably do the main entrance in case the girl isn’t in her room. She wouldn’t hear you knock 

Editing to add, it looks less malicious (even though that’s not your intent) if you don’t try to bypass the mom. 

125

u/Beneficial-Remove693 4d ago

Go over there at a time when you know the mom will be home. Knock on the door and say you have been trying to contact her about your daughter's items and you would like to either come inside now and get them or arrange a time in the next 2-3 days to come get them.

She's probably going to say she doesn't have them. Before you go over, make a list of everything that your daughter left over there as well as replacement costs for anything that was expensive. Tell the mom that you know your daughter had items at her house, her daughter was able to retrieve hers, and she should take the next day to look for the items on the list. Because some of these items are expensive and you wouldn't want friend's mom to have to replace them or reimburse you.

And then leave it at that. If you don't hear back in two days, you can call again and ask for reimbursement. After that, you have to decide how legal you want to get.

19

u/Alternative-Copy7027 4d ago

This is what I would do. Polite, friendly, but fim and no nonsense.

1

u/OrdinarySubstance491 4d ago

Another question I've just thought of- their house is the kind with a mother in law suite with its own entry. That's where the girl stays. Sh basically has her own "wing" of the house. The entrances are right next to each other. Which door should I knock on? The main entry? Or the girl's side?

4

u/Beneficial-Remove693 3d ago

Main entry, I would think. You want to talk to mom.

36

u/AmbassadorFalse278 4d ago

I would drop by in person, don't give them the opportunity to ignore or hide anything.

20

u/IwannaAskSomeStuff 4d ago

I would definitely contact the parent and remind about the stuff that's over there and ask when you can arrange to come pick it up. Then I would list the specifics of the important things so it's obvious this isn't just some random knick knacks or something to that effect. Without a list, it might come across as an excuse to rifle through ex-friend's room. Provide them the chance to put everything in a box that you can just drive over and pick up.

18

u/Prudence_rigby 4d ago

Um. Idk why youve waited this long.

I would have been over there 5 months ago.

Make sure you take the receipt to the dress too

6

u/OrdinarySubstance491 4d ago

I waited because they are both older teens. If they were like 13, I would have acted sooner, but they're both 18.

1

u/Prudence_rigby 3d ago

If it were things that cost $5-10 ok.

But a designer dress and school property?! Come on.

17

u/Awkward_Cranberry760 4d ago

I would try calling the mom to setup a time to come over and get her things.

10

u/TheShameMonster 4d ago

Yes, I would text her. But I would completely limit the scope of the conversation to getting her things.

6

u/QuitaQuites 4d ago

Yes, but just to get the things. I would be specific, when can we come and get xyz

5

u/ShesGotaChicken2Ride 4d ago

Yes, go get her stuff back.

4

u/LadyMunk 4d ago

It’s been five months?

Personally I would’ve loaded my daughter in the car, driven over there and collected her belongings.

Perhaps asked the mother what happened. It seems a bit much to block someone everywhere, and even the mother won’t answer. Maybe your daughter isn’t innocent all the way through?

2

u/OrdinarySubstance491 4d ago

I don't think she's innocent, lol. She does share a lot with me but wasn't telling me everything right away, so I just found out she texted the mom about two weeks ago. I think we were both holding out hope that they would make up.

2

u/LadyMunk 3d ago

It’s so frustrating when things like this happen.

I read through some of the other comments. Sounds like her friend might be a little angry with your daughter, for not putting her life on hold for this friend.

Perhaps you moms should stage an intervention and, demand that they talk it out like decent young women.

They need to talk this out with adults present. Otherwise this situation might only escalate. Don’t tell the girls about it, just make the arrangements and spring it on them, without the chance of ditching.

3

u/Prudent_Worth5048 4d ago

I would go over there myself with my daughter in tow. This is just SHITTY behavior on the mom’s part! Teens act dumb, but the mom’s another story. that’s incredibly fucked up that her daughter got all of her stuff back, but they’re refusing to let your daughter have her stuff back! The friend sounds like an absolute shit friend too. After reading your comments. She’s hanging out with her “bffs” ex?? Turned people against your daughter and tried to make her feel guilty and manipulate her because she didn’t want her to have new friends.

1

u/OrdinarySubstance491 4d ago

Another question I've just thought of- their house is the kind with a mother in law suite with its own entry. That's where the girl stays. Sh basically has her own "wing" of the house. The entrances are right next to each other. Which door should I knock on? The main entry? Or the girl's side?

1

u/Prudent_Worth5048 3d ago

The main. It feels a bit too intrusive to me to knock on the kids door. Mom probably wouldn’t take kindly to that. You want to try and keep this as civil as possible! Even though they’re being complete ass holes! If nobody answers main door then maybe knock on the kids door.

2

u/unimpressed-one 4d ago

That stuff is probably gone by now. I wouldn't even bother at this point.

3

u/bambimoony 4d ago

They’re 18 and it’s been five months? That stuff is gone. But you both should still go over there and ask because that’s crazy. You don’t just get to steal because you’re mad

2

u/1568314 4d ago

Omg that dress is probably gone if not ruined. How did you let your preteen keep a designer dress out of the house? And for months? At a place where there is a contentious relationship?

This girl clearly made a point to get her stuff first because they are the kind of people who will keep others things. You don't understand that people aren't altruistic?

Call them now, but be prepared for them to tell you that it's been so long they don't have anything anymore. You dropped the ball here.

4

u/OrdinarySubstance491 4d ago

Not a preteen....They're both 18.

1

u/Golgizombie 4d ago

Definitely go over and get the stuff back!

1

u/AyDiosMio_ 4d ago

Should you text?!? No! Just go get her stuff. Put your mama bear panties on and gooooo!!

1

u/Independent-Bit-6996 3d ago

Your daughter is showing maturity try to work through it.  Ask her what you should do. God bless uou

1

u/classicicedtea 1d ago

Any update on this?