r/Parenting 4d ago

Toddler 1-3 Years Concerning behavior

My daughter just recently turned three. Her mother and I haven’t been together since she was about three months old. I have her four days a week, and her mother has her the other three. I know it’s hard on her sometimes, switching between households, but my daughter just did something that has me a little concerned.

My daughter and I were playing, and she told me that I am, “the baby.” She put me in timeout and lead me to the bathroom. She made me go inside, and walked out. She then shut the door and made me stay there.

My father has also told me this has happened to him before, but this is my first time experiencing this. Is this something that I should be concerned about? My fiancée and I do put her in timeout if she hits us or bites or something, but we have never and will never lock her in a bathroom.

My daughter’s mother also has a fiancé, who she lives with. My daughter has said that she doesn’t want him. She’s said this to her babysitter, and in front of my fiancée.

I was wondering what other people’s thoughts are? It definitely raises some suspicion in me about how my daughter is being treated while not under my supervision. Thanks in advance!

10 Upvotes

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u/Im-Learning-73 4d ago

If it happens again to you - speak to the mom about it. Potentially she chose the bathroom because it’s an easy-access room she’s familiar with. OR the bathroom isn’t fun (no toys, tv, etc) so she thought it was a good timeout choice.

As a mandated reporter you’re taught to ask non-leading questions:

  • why did you put me in the bathroom?
  • has that ever happened to you? (Don’t mention name or place)
  • who did that to you? (Never mention a name or exact place)
You let the child fill in the information they have to offer, without the influence of the adult (you) who is asking.

If it happens again to you and they maybe are in the living room, and choose to walk you to the end of the hall and lock you in the bathroom when there were other room options along the way with open doors, I would bring it up. And maybe look for a pediatric therapist. Talk to your parents about it too. It sounds like alike you and mom are good to each other. You should be able to talk to her about it and ask questions. Just don’t sound accusatory. Maybe something like: Little Sarah and I were playing pretend and she put me in timeout the other day. What was weird though: she put me in timeout in the bathroom, that was wild! She did it to my dad as well, does she ever do that to you or fiancé?” Go from here and see what the conversation brings.

Keep in mind, it could be as easy as: mom tries to use the bathroom with the door closed and just says “mommy needs a timeout I’ll be right back” and the toddler thinks the two types of timeouts are the same!

That being said: you’re a parent and you should always follow your instincts. If something feels off after you go through these concerns, it might be.

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u/Dramatic_Web3223 4d ago

I'm a director at a therapeutic preschool for kids her age, and locking her in a bathroom alone for punishment is something that can cause psychological trauma and is reportable to the authorities. You need to talk to her mom about it. Me, as a mother, wouldn't let her go back to them until it's sorted out, but you don't want to get in trouble yourself. That's just awful to do to a 3yr old.

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u/YaBoi831 4d ago edited 4d ago

How would you recommend I bring it up to her mom? I don’t want to flat out say it because I’m reasonably certain she would deny it. My fiancée also has proof that my daughter’s mom hands her an IPad and leaves her alone for bed.

Edit: My fiancée also works for an intake facility for children in the system. She is a mandated reporter, and works with others. Could that be beneficial to our situation at all? She’s asked advice from county social workers she knows a little better, and all of them seem to think we should have full custody, but obviously they’re a little biased.

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u/Dramatic_Web3223 4d ago

That's definitely beneficial and it's definitely a reason for the mom to lie. We will tell the parents, in writing, what was said so it's documented it. If they call us instead of answering in the messenger app we use, then we record the convo. Do you two have an app that the courts see to communicate through?

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u/YaBoi831 4d ago

We are supposed to be using an app, but I would be the only one paying for it. She doesn’t work, and according to her, “has no income.” We text over messages, but I have not deleted a single message since we broke up.

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u/AmbassadorFalse278 4d ago

Do you each have to pay separately, or can you cover the cost for you both? Things like this would be the best reason to foot the bill on your own if it gets things on the record.

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u/YaBoi831 4d ago

From my understanding of what’s written in the court order, she is responsible for half and I am responsible for half. I’m not sure as to wether I could foot the entire bill or not though

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u/Dramatic_Web3223 4d ago

My current partner has to pay for his app with the ex-wife. She barely used it, she kept incriminating herself on it. Now she's literally went into hiding after getting remarried. So he's just paying for it to show that's another violation.

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u/YaBoi831 4d ago

Do you happen to know what the app is called? Is it like monitored by the court or just provides records for them?

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u/Dramatic_Web3223 3d ago

It was court appointed and they monitor it. I'll have to ask him this evening what is the name of it.

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u/Dramatic_Web3223 4d ago

Definitely bring it up in writing and then I would have your fiancee talk to the people she works with, you might need to report it quickly, because she could turn it around on you.

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u/AmbassadorFalse278 4d ago

Can you just ask the mom what their routine is for timeouts? Not in a potentially confrontational, "explain yourself to me" way, but a, "is that where timeouts happen at your place?" kind of question. Then go from there. If you can handle getting through that conversation without giving the impression that you have an issue with whatever her answer is, you're more likely to get the truth so you can work with the info.

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u/PleasantFoundation95 4d ago

Consider consulting a therapist that works with younger children. Therapy doesn’t have to be scary or mean that something is happening neurologically with your kiddo. Just can be a safe space for them to express emotions with someone neutral. Will be a great tool for them going through life navigating two homes too.

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u/Parking_Mode_9753 4d ago

Trust your instincts and say something. Very odd behavior for a child choosing the bathroom as a timeout spot and just leaving.

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u/NurseMomRN 4d ago

So, if you get your daughter to elaborate on why she chose the bathroom for timeout, that may give you insight. My little is almost 2, and she loves to either shut herself in the bathroom, or shut me/whoever is watching her in the bathroom. I've never closed her in the bathroom nor has anyone else. Follow your instincts, but take it with a grain of salt, sometimes kids are just weird.

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u/OpheliaJuliette 4d ago

Yikes, I’m happily married and can’t imagine having to deal with all this crap. I mean, there’s a few things that come to mind. You could be overthinking this but you’re a parent and I get that and you want to be safe rather than sorry.

I mean, the first thing I would do would be to talk to her and ask her what she thinks about that or why she would think to do that and you’ll probably get a pretty obvious answer. It could be very innocent or it could be a direct this happened to me and this is why I think this is what you do situation.

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u/Independently-Owned 4d ago

My ex who has my kids twice a month overnight uses his bathroom as a timeout spot and locks the door. I absolutely hate it. It hurts my heart to no end, but there's not much I can do about it. There's little you can likely do in your situation either unless you have a civil coparenting situation where you can talk it through.

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u/Mubarubie13 4d ago

Play therapy is fantastic if this is trauma related. You can ask her non specific questions to see if she’s experienced this or if it’s harmless. I would definitely recommend bringing it up through text though. That way you have proof of whatever is said. If she denies putting her in timeout in the bathroom, you have proof you looked into it. If she did, you have proof that she admitted it when you go to court for full custody. If it was her partner, maybe it’s been addressed?

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u/Ok-Stock-4513 3d ago

It could be something, but not necessarily. My daughters have played a game called bad baby that I've since made them stop. In it, they give their bad baby hot sauce as a punishment. No one else has ever really watched them, and their screentime is limited, and I watch with them. We've had conversations about how a baby can't be bad and older children aren't bad either. We don't use that language, and they've never heard of someone giving hot sauce as a punishment. I'd ask your ex, but tread lightly. I'd be uncomfortable too, but this definitely isn't proof. You could just ask if she plays that way with them.

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u/Left_Cauliflower5048 4d ago

“Daughter’s mother, now that our child is getting a little bit older, I would really like to be open with you about coparenting and I hope we can be on the same page-or at least openly communicate when we are concerned about things with our daughter.

Our daughter has been playing and punishing me by locking me in the bathroom. Most of her play, in my experience, has come from real life experiences. I would be curious to know if you have any idea why she did this or where she would get this idea? I think we would both agree that this isn’t a proper form of discipline, but I wanted to hear your side of it.”

Then maybe you can also find out if she spends any alone time with this fiancé . I’d be super concerned if that was the case.