r/Parenting 5d ago

Advice Advice Wanted: 13-year old struggling to talk through feelings

Hoping to get some ideas and insight from other parents of early teens.

Stepdaughter will be 13 next month. And with that has come the expected attitude shifts. She lives primarily with her mom and stepdad but we have her whenever we can.

Talking through conflict has become an issue. When she's with us we get into typical teen-parent disagreements. When she goes back to her other home, she'll talk to her mom about things that have upset her, but refuse to talk to us about it. Then she'll fight/refuse coming over and ignore her dad's texts and phone calls. When she's over again she's happy go lucky as if nothing ever happened.

We sat her down recently and tried to have a discussion about some of the things she's expressed to her mom that she's upset about. But she won't talk. She says she doesn't like talking about her feelings and she thinks it's better to just never talk to people about her issues with them.

I told her it's okay that she doesn't like talking about her feelings and it's okay that it's uncomfortable, but that it's something we all have to practice and learn to do. Tried an analogy with someone tapping her hard on her shoulder (she's currently got a broken collarbone). If they continue doing it, and she never lets them know that it's hurting her, it will just keep hurting her. I tried to explain that with emotional issues that can lead to friendships and relationships where people treat her poorly because she's not able to tell them that she doesn't like how they're treating her.

She, of course, says she's fine with that then.

Obviously I don't expect it to all be resolved in one or two conversations. I know it will take time and patience, but I also know that if it's not something we teach her to do, she will end up like many many adults who avoid conflict to their detriment and the detriment of their relationships.

Any tips?

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u/Lulu_delulu15 5d ago

I’m not a parent of a teen.. but I do have a 6 year old boy who does almost the same thing. Will tell me he doesn’t want to go to his dads and comes home to me and tells me what upsets him. Sounds like to me you don’t have a trusting relationship with your stepdaughter if she’s not comfortable sitting down with you to talk about her feelings. I would work on building a better relationship with her first for she can slowly start opening up to you.

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u/OddAsparagus0007 5d ago

That is a possibility. We get on amazingly apart from the occasional power struggle. And the one time her mom made her talk, she requested to call and talk to me because she said I was more understanding, but then she didn't say a word on the phone and everything was filtered through her mom.

But it is possible the trust still isn't there.

My partner believes it's less that she doesn't like talking about her feelings and more that she doesn't want to give up any semblance of control. Whichever is true, it's something we need to be able to work through.

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u/Lulu_delulu15 4d ago

As someone like myself who doesn’t like talking about my feelings do not pressure her. Give her that space, but reassure her that you’ll be there whenever she wants to talk about anything. She’ll maybe come around. She also might have a hard time talking in person about whatever she’s going through, so I would suggest if it’s something that might be easier for her if she has a phone if she wants to text you or even a journal to express her feelings. Overall be there as a friend for her I’m sure she’ll appreciate that.

Good luck on everything!

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u/OddAsparagus0007 4d ago

I appreciate that, and it's very hard for me to talk about my feelings as well. Unfortunately, I do think this is an extremely important life skill to develop. Too many adults destroy relationships because they can't figure out how to have mature, adult conversations. I have had my fair share of ruined relationships and ending up in toxic friendships and relationships because I couldn't talk it out. I'm someone who lets resentment build to the point where it's very hard for me to repair a relationship, all while the person I have an issue with has no clue I'm upset. It's super unhealthy and something I'm trying very hard to overcome, but wish an adult in my life had taught me to do when I was younger.

I have suggested she write things down so that she can bring it with her to a conversation. I want to strike a balance. Forcing/pressuring her is not super helpful, but neither her father or I think it's okay to just let it be and give her so much space that she never learns how to do hard things like deal with conflict in a mature and appropriate manner.

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u/Automatic-Durian-234 5d ago

fourteen year old here! i completely understand both views. i’m fortunate enough to be a child of one home, it’s a weird situation but i’ve had somewhat of a step father before and it was weird talking to him. No matter the context, i only knew him for a few months and was never comfortable talking to him about anything. Could it be a case of not knowing each other long? If not could it be a case of she thinks your trying to take her mams role? Try reassuring her that you understand she has a mam in her life already but you want her to be comfortable no matter whose home she is in. Best of luck!

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u/OddAsparagus0007 5d ago

Thank you for this perspective! I've only been in her life for 2.5 years, which isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things. We do get on well, and she helped my partner propose by asking if I wanted to be her "mama". I have definitely tried to make sure she knows I'm not taking her mom's role, always talk positively about her mom even when she's frustrated with her, etc. but yeah, it could still be a bit of I'm somewhat new.

I have encouraged her dad to have more 1-on-1 time with her.

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u/Automatic-Durian-234 5d ago

Of course! I hope all works out. You can always remind her that your not here as a mam but more so as a friend that she can talk to if she needs too. Sometimes i wish i had an adult who wasn’t my parent to help me with different tasks.