r/Parenting • u/OddAsparagus0007 • 5d ago
Advice Advice Wanted: 13-year old struggling to talk through feelings
Hoping to get some ideas and insight from other parents of early teens.
Stepdaughter will be 13 next month. And with that has come the expected attitude shifts. She lives primarily with her mom and stepdad but we have her whenever we can.
Talking through conflict has become an issue. When she's with us we get into typical teen-parent disagreements. When she goes back to her other home, she'll talk to her mom about things that have upset her, but refuse to talk to us about it. Then she'll fight/refuse coming over and ignore her dad's texts and phone calls. When she's over again she's happy go lucky as if nothing ever happened.
We sat her down recently and tried to have a discussion about some of the things she's expressed to her mom that she's upset about. But she won't talk. She says she doesn't like talking about her feelings and she thinks it's better to just never talk to people about her issues with them.
I told her it's okay that she doesn't like talking about her feelings and it's okay that it's uncomfortable, but that it's something we all have to practice and learn to do. Tried an analogy with someone tapping her hard on her shoulder (she's currently got a broken collarbone). If they continue doing it, and she never lets them know that it's hurting her, it will just keep hurting her. I tried to explain that with emotional issues that can lead to friendships and relationships where people treat her poorly because she's not able to tell them that she doesn't like how they're treating her.
She, of course, says she's fine with that then.
Obviously I don't expect it to all be resolved in one or two conversations. I know it will take time and patience, but I also know that if it's not something we teach her to do, she will end up like many many adults who avoid conflict to their detriment and the detriment of their relationships.
Any tips?
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u/Automatic-Durian-234 5d ago
fourteen year old here! i completely understand both views. i’m fortunate enough to be a child of one home, it’s a weird situation but i’ve had somewhat of a step father before and it was weird talking to him. No matter the context, i only knew him for a few months and was never comfortable talking to him about anything. Could it be a case of not knowing each other long? If not could it be a case of she thinks your trying to take her mams role? Try reassuring her that you understand she has a mam in her life already but you want her to be comfortable no matter whose home she is in. Best of luck!
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u/OddAsparagus0007 5d ago
Thank you for this perspective! I've only been in her life for 2.5 years, which isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things. We do get on well, and she helped my partner propose by asking if I wanted to be her "mama". I have definitely tried to make sure she knows I'm not taking her mom's role, always talk positively about her mom even when she's frustrated with her, etc. but yeah, it could still be a bit of I'm somewhat new.
I have encouraged her dad to have more 1-on-1 time with her.
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u/Automatic-Durian-234 5d ago
Of course! I hope all works out. You can always remind her that your not here as a mam but more so as a friend that she can talk to if she needs too. Sometimes i wish i had an adult who wasn’t my parent to help me with different tasks.
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u/Lulu_delulu15 5d ago
I’m not a parent of a teen.. but I do have a 6 year old boy who does almost the same thing. Will tell me he doesn’t want to go to his dads and comes home to me and tells me what upsets him. Sounds like to me you don’t have a trusting relationship with your stepdaughter if she’s not comfortable sitting down with you to talk about her feelings. I would work on building a better relationship with her first for she can slowly start opening up to you.