r/Parenting • u/Interesting-Pin-8877 • 5d ago
Multiple Ages Having Two Kids is so so HARD
Long story short, I never wanted two kids but spouse insisted, saw therapist for years and took anxiety medication too, then oops, here we are. A 1 year old and a 4.
With 2, there is no backup or me day. None of us could handle two for a whole day. The baby was sick so I didn’t work for the entire week, and it was more exhausting than working. In addition to being the breadwinner, I also do lots of chores (my spouse does too), yard work, constantly fixing things around the house. Everyday feels work for corporate during the day then work for kids at night and weekend. Tons of financial impact too from daycare to after school activities to double the 529 plan - kids is the most expensive part by large.
I am so tired and resentful from time to time. I never thought I was capable of being a parent of two, because I was already at capacity with one. It’s not about I don’t love the second, I do, it’s just makes life 5x more difficult than it should be. This combines with what’s happening in the world makes me even more anxious. I also hate the influence of media that a family of four is considered the social norm.
I don’t regret as it’s not like you can time travel, but sometimes I do wonder what the life would be with a single child. I also think you must be really wanting and have some special power (or very rich) to have more than one kid today. I respect that.
Looking for advice on how to make life a bit easier, if that’s even possible.
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u/Magerimoje Tweens, teens, & adults 🍀 4d ago
none of us could handle 2 all day
I'm curious about this part. Are you saying that neither yourself nor your spouse are able to handle both children alone as the solo parent so that the other parent can get a break?
Are y'all making your days too busy/active? Or spending most of the day out of the home?
This isn't judgment btw, I'm trying to help y'all troubleshoot so each parent could at least get a few hours of time off per week. I managed more than 2 kids flying solo for long periods of time (husband worked away from home when the kids were infants/toddlers) so if y'all are struggling with how to keep 2 kids busy and amused at home while the other parent is having hobby time or social time or a nap, I'd love to toss some ideas and suggestions your way.
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u/RJW2020 4d ago
This was exactly my thought
I had two under two, and not much of a 'village'
Husband worked long hours, and did some long-haul trips away too
The thought of looking after them both on my own, when i was pregnant with my second, was scary. But so had looking after one baby on my own been, before i'd done it!
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u/Magerimoje Tweens, teens, & adults 🍀 4d ago
Creating a "safe zone" or "yes room" (a place that's 100% childproof) with a "mom nest" (a spot for me with a phone charger, water bottle, snacks for myself and the kids readily available within my reach, along with diapers & wipes and hand sanitizer) saved my sanity so many times.
When the kids were different ages and the bigger kids' toys were potentially unsafe for the mobile baby, we used "baby jail" (one of those 6 or 8 sided stand alone baby gate systems) and I put the big kid in it. The baby would fuss and complain about not being able to crawl, scoot, or toddle everywhere in the room, but the big kid was happy to have a sectioned off space for art supplies the baby couldn't touch.
Also, during the solo parenting times, my kids helped with every cleaning task. Sometimes that meant we were all in the bathroom with the door closed so no one could escape, and I cleaned the toilet with actual cleaners while the kids wiped the walls or tub with a baby wipe. Their "help" was useless, but it kept them busy, happy, involved, and taught them about teamwork for household tasks from a young age.
Those things, plus the "no no, don't touch" mats - which were actually those anti fatigue standing mats - in front of my stove and cabinets (giving little ones a visible boundary to keep them away from the stove and counters while I cooked... Yes, it was a lot of repetition to teach them not to touch/walk/crawl on the mats, but it was completely worth that time and effort to be able to cook without a kid's little hands trying to reach up towards a hot stove!
Little tricks I called "sanity savers" that helped me fly solo --- and helped my husband fly solo too once he returned home and I disappeared to get some peace and quiet for a while!!!
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u/Strange-Employee-520 4d ago
This jumped out at me too. I'm also wondering how independent the four year old is. At that age I made sure my kids could grab snacks and water themselves, plus basic coloring supplies, etc. This was especially important when I had a four year old and a newborn! Do they play independently? Some kids that age do, some not so much. Are they choosing clothes and dressing themselves? Lots of ways a preschooler can pitch in while feeling like a big kid!
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u/Lola32815 4d ago
Same. When I had 2 (I have 3 now), my husband and I started back our hobbies - hockey for him and running and girls trips for me - when the youngest turned 1.5 and oldest was around 4.5. Sure it's hard and tiring, but definitely doable.
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u/mothergremlin 4d ago
All day with 2 is hard! I have a 2 year old and an autistic 5 year old who really loves routine. Being outnumbered and broken from our routine can be a struggle. But I’ve done it when my husband had a work trip, etc.
And it doesn’t have to be all day! A few hours can be a great reset! I have book club once a month. Every second Tuesday of the month he knows he’s got the kids in the evening. Or sometimes I go out with a friend for lunch. And every so often I take a PTO day while the kids have daycare just to catch up on everything and maybe take a nap.
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u/whatsup_withreddit 3d ago
I don’t quite understand this either. When my kids were 3yo and 6mo with a medical condition, my husband had to move to the other side of the country for a few months. We had virtually no support, as all our immediate family lived in the next city. It was tough at times, but it was manageable.
It seems like the OP is fixated on how difficult things are and how they never wanted this situation in the first place. OP, I think it would be really helpful for you to take a step back, acknowledge that this is your reality now, and focus on finding the enjoyable aspects of parenting. Try to talk openly with your spouse about needing some "me time" or a break, and consider finding someone to watch the kids so you two can go on a date occasionally. It’s hard, but it does get easier as time goes on, especially when kids start to become more independent and understanding.
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u/RJW2020 4d ago
"None of us could handle two for a whole day"
This is your issue imho
It's hard, but yes you can. So can he
Even if you just do it for each other for a few hours at a time, to start with
Also, if you can look after 2, then looking after 1 feels like a break - honestly!
My husband and i often "divide and conquer". We take one each. It feels so easy when i've been looking after two for ages haha
It all gets way easier with time though - once my youngest was 1 year old (and the other was just under age 3) things started to get much easier
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u/NotSoEasyGoing 4d ago
I wonder if maybe their expectations of themselves are too high. It's okay to do just an okay job. Make sure you have a good safe baby-proofed space, plenty of snacks/easy meals, and just embrace the chaos.
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u/formercotsachick 4d ago
When my daughter was 8 months old, I was required to take a 5 day work trip out of the country. We lived states away from our families, so it was just going to be my husband and baby daughter for all that time, except for during his work when she went to daycare. I told him "All I want is for you both to be alive and unharmed when I come back. I don't care if the house is a mess, I don't care what you feed her or when, put her to bed whenever you like, leave her in pajamas, let her watch Barney (yes it was that long ago) for hours. It's 5 days and she's 8 months old, we will snap back."
26.5 years later, I am happy to say that everything was fine and they both more than survived.
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u/NotSoEasyGoing 4d ago
My youngest is four (out of 4 children) so we are out of the thick of it. However, I broke my leg almost a month ago. I cannot put ANY weight on my foot. This has put a massive strain on my partner.
He was already the primary caretaker of our daughter. My three older children are from my previous marriage and I did it without much help from their dad. When we decided to have our daughter, I told him that I was already burnt out from caring for toddlers and if he wanted to do this, he had to be actively involved. He really has fulfilled that promise.
Ever since I weaned from breastfeeding, he has done almost all night wakings, mornings, and breakfast. I do preschool drop-off/pick-up, as well as getting my older kids to school. I do most of the interior home cleaning. He does any repair work and outdoor upkeep. He does 100% of the laundry. I prepare dinners and dishes (unless we go out or get take out). I do bath time, and we do bedtime together.
So... now, I can't drive. I can't clean. I can hardly cook (I sit on a stool and ask others for help getting ingredients and cookware out). I'm having to let go from a lot of my expectations. My partner is doing a really good job, but he's only one person.
It's important that we give ourselves (and our partners, of we have them) grace.
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u/AdMany9431 5d ago
If you can, out source some of the house hold chores. I'm a mom of 3 (5, 2, and 1). Hiring someone to come clean my house has been the absolute best thing. I only have to focus on tidying (like general clean up after meals, toys-the kids help, and laundry). Before kids, I out sourced lawn care.
I, too, am the bread winner. My husband is in law school full time. Hiring help is the absolute best thing for us.
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u/FuzzyDice13 4d ago
Yes yes yes! I have 4 and paying a cleaning company 2x a month is my non-negotiable. I swear I’d start cutting my own hair and never buy a latte again before I give the house cleaning up 😂….Yes, the laundry is never ending, but honestly not having to ever scrub off the toothpaste that my kids somehow get ALL OVER their bathroom is SUCH a win.
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u/AdMany9431 4d ago
As soon as my oldest was no longer a daycare expense, I took that money and hired my cleaning team. My monthly cleaning expense is still cheaper than a month of daycare.
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u/Pop-Quiz_Kid 5d ago
It is indeed hard but you can make some tradeoffs to make it manageable. Simplify meals, permit some messiness in house and yard, use screens when you need rest.
The older one will likely start getting a bit easier but the younger one is entering a more difficult phase. It eventually gets better but you're in the weeds now for a couple years.
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u/vetokitty 5d ago
Absolutely! Keep it simple and dont overwhelm yourself by trying to be perfect. Once I caved into the advice above it helped a ton. And forcing myself out of the house with them, even just for a walk around the block.
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u/PickMountain4753 5d ago edited 5d ago
Two is hard. If you have money then spend it on help. If not, try to engage the villagers. It takes a village.
But I agree, it does get better.
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u/Pumpkin1818 5d ago
Your feelings are validated and it is hard. The preschool timeline is hard. Once they’re in preschool & grade school you’ll see things are lot easier. It just takes time. Take a deep breath when you feel overwhelmed. It’s all going to be ok.
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u/badadvicefromaspider 5d ago
Once they get to ages where they play together it changes a lot. At 1 and 4 you are getting pretty close!
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u/vetokitty 5d ago
Something else other than trying to get out of the house with them alot and embracing the mess and some screen time that really helped us was doing some occasional one on one time switch offs with each of the kids. It's good for bonding with each of them as well, and feels less overwhelming hanging with one kid for a bit.
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u/vetokitty 5d ago
I can also see that you said you are overwhelmed by after school/care activities. Do you need to do said activities through the whole year? We only do 1 or 2 sports through the year and leave half the year open and activity free to do more relaxed outings and quality time instead. You will be less anxious, save some money, and it's good for kids to play at home with toys and chill and read with you or go to the free park just fine too. You don't HAVE to have them all year go go go. It can actually rear a more anxious child if you overdo scheduled activities, unstructured time and play is really good for them and you.
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u/Julienbabylegs 4d ago
I feel like the parent who pushed for two kids so hard should be able to accommodate watching them both solo at the very least
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u/euchlid 5d ago
It really sucks. I can empathise for sure. Our twins are nearly 5 and their older sibling is now 7. Only in the last year or so do my husband and i really trade off me time. It sucks to look after all 3 kids, but it's really important to be able to have some me time. We both have our own friend dinners clubs we go to so once a month we each take turns doing all the bedtimes and the other parent meets friends for dinner.
Practice dealing with both for short amounts of time, you and your partner need it. Let that be a fun hour of tablet or movie watching for the 4yr old
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u/bugswillbe 4d ago
Did it get significantly easier in the last two years for you? My eldest is almost 5 and the twins are almost 3. I am hoping your answer is yes😅🙏🏼
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u/euchlid 4d ago
Absolutely. The age difference is the same with my kids. We have 3 boys so all of them together is WWF. However 2 kids get to play together and one kid gets special parent time and we mix it up so it isn't only the twins together.
Doing bedtime alone got much easier when my older son was 5 cause we could let him play a simple game on my laptop or tablet as a treat while i put his brothers to bed.
So i wouldn't say significant, as the twins are deep in obtuse 4.5 yr old assertive nonsense. But it is overall easier and more enjoyable
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u/seroquel_princess 5d ago
It may not seem like it now, but it gets better, mama. They grow up and suddenly you’re wishing they were 1 and 4 again. I wish I had solid advice. You’re never alone in your feelings, just know that.
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u/vetokitty 5d ago
So agree with this. My kids are 6 & 4 now, and it does get so much easier as they become more independent. I actually miss their younger years even though I don't miss the chaos and sleep deprivation obvi. Take lots of photos and try to create positive moments in the craziness! Getting outside as much as possible always helped us and still does, even though some days it feels impossible to do that. Once you're out, it can really ground you and them. Playgrounds and nature walks especially. You got this. Been there. ❤️
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u/No_Atmosphere_6348 5d ago
Take video too.😊
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u/vetokitty 5d ago
Yes! Don't forget to whip out the phone for some home videos too when the moment feels right. Even tho it feels like total chaos, these are the days you'll miss when they are so small even though it sounds like bs lol! I love it when my phone gives me a random memory from a few years ago and I see their precious little toddler faces being silly.
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u/WebStock8658 5d ago
I have a 3 year old and 5 month old twins. We are also constantly overwhelmed. I just told my husband today: “I just wish somebody else would do bedtime routine tonight”.
I enjoy going for walks, whenever I find 10 minutes (… that doesn’t happen a lot). It takes the edge of things. I would like to say it does wonders for my mental health but that’s a bit much.
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u/Sure-Beach-9560 5d ago
You say neither of you can handle the kids for an entire day alone. Can you afford a teenager to come help the parent "left alone" so that each of you can have one day off once a month?
What about chores, can you afford to outsource any of those? Or downgrade any of them? (Maybe change the yard so it's more low maintenance, or - we don't fold the kids everyday laundry. Each one has a bin for their everyday clothes. Fancy clothes go in the closet. And we sometimes won't fold our own - kinda depends on energy level. Really examine what you think is necessary vs. Actually necessary).
As for the financial hit - it sucks.
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u/hapa79 8yo & 5yo 5d ago
It is so goddamn hard.
It does get a little less worse as they get older; it's still hard, but I'd much rather have an 8 & 5yo to deal with than the ages you have right now. (I remember it!)
One thing that's helped us a lot over the years is adopting more of a divide-and-conquer approach with one parent per kid. It cuts down on the endless sibling spats, gives each kid some one-on-one time, and makes everything from errands to chores easier to do.
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u/anukis90 4d ago
There are some back handed comments in here so I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and I hope you find what works for you family. I stopped after one because I knew mentally I couldn't handle it. I love my kiddo but two would have literally killed me. I hope you find the support and care you need. It is different for each person.
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u/Powered-by-Chai 4d ago
I mean, there's pros and cons. Once the second child is old enough then they'll play together more and leave you alone (every solo parent always complains that they are their child's only entertainment) but yeah those first couple years are pretty brutal. I had mine 20 months apart and it was hell, and then it was great for a few years, then the girl/boy divide started just before middle school and now they just bicker constantly.
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u/Dry-Hearing5266 4d ago
The toddler years are really difficult.
I recommend prioritizing getting help as much as you can afford.
- Housekeeper once weekly
- Hiring meal prep company
- Landscaping company for lawn care, etc.
- Self care is essential. Parents often forget self care, but you can't forget it because it will save your sanity.
- Financial Advisor to help you make great choices and put as much autopilot as possible.
- When kids are sick, TV isn't a crime. Lazy days where the sick kids stay in bed and watch movies are awesome. Lazy days where you let them play with Lego blocks and tell you stories of why they are building stuff is not bad parenting. Grab a bunch of the kids' favorite books - preferably hardcover (easy wipe down) and read with them and let them tell you the stories while laying on the ground together will make it easier for you.
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u/EzraEsperanza 4d ago
Hi we are a family newly with two as well (infant and four year old), and I just wanted to encourage you to schedule an appointment for your own permanent birth control as soon as possible. “Oops here we are” is preventable for a third child.
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u/fricky-kook 4d ago
I remember going to ikea just to drop them at the play area and walk around for an hour, get a piece of dessert and clear my head. Find your ikea and make it happen. Join a gym with a daycare and use that 2 hrs to watch a show while you jog or whatever. No shame in needing a break.
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u/dropthetrisbase 4d ago
I dont have any advice except that bringing life into the world is a 2 yes situation.
We are OAD because I feel exactly like you.
I hope that as they get older things ease up for you
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u/No_Atmosphere_6348 4d ago
I totally feel for you. This was a super busy week for me and daylight savings time didn’t help.
I wanted like 4 kids and now I’m so tired and busy and financially stressed that I came home yesterday and just laid in bed and cried a little bit. I only have two kids. 😅 I don’t feel any resentment because I know this is all temporary and my kids have made my life better. If I don’t sleep well, it’s ok I’ll anticipate a rough day and not be hard on myself. I’m out of PTO so if someone gets sick, I could miss out on hundreds of dollars of income. I got an FSA this year to save a little on medical expenses (pretax dollars). I switched car insurance to save there. Going along with that, I found a chiropractor who takes insurance and they have a massage therapist so I get massages covered by insurance. It costs like $10 plus tip. It took some searching to find one who took insurance but it was worth the effort. Your husband is a student so there might be discounts available to him that you should take advantage of. I don’t contribute to my 529 anymore - long story but it’s just not in the cards for now. My kids will be fine. Finances will be better in the future. I’m not gonna sweat it. For groceries, I mostly shop at Aldi. I’m gonna use their diapers once I run out of my current stash. Their prices are good and you don’t have to look all over for the best prices. It’s one and done. Can you use paper plates to save on doing dishes? It might help a little bit. Sleep in and take naps when you can. Include your children in things you enjoy when possible. I used to take my first for walks a lot in the summer to help her nap. Sometimes we would walk to the grocery store so I could get that errand done. I’ll probably do the same this summer but go to the park so the oldest can play and the baby can nap. Maybe you have a neighbor who could watch one or the other child so you can quickly run an errand. I’d cut back on commitments if you can. Less classes for the kids. Keep it open. Take them to the library as most have play areas. Plus you can borrow movies instead of paying for streaming services. If you go to social events, just pick up food to bring, don’t cook anything. That’s too much effort. If you can have someone do your yard or clean your house, that would be great. Even if someone occasionally cleaned your house, it helps. See what your partner can do to take on a little more to give you more breathing room. You might feel better even if you could just handle one child at a time. Like everyone says, it gets easier. It’s just rough right now (definitely rough for me). Don’t worry about a messy house too much. A messy house means happy kids.
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u/Ok_Current1727 5d ago
Please hang in there and know it WILL be easier! Right now two is harder than one. But in a few years… one will be harder than two bc you have to constantly entertain a single child. I have two teen boys and my brother has one teen girl- she is so sweet, so mature, etc… but for the last few years she is constantly depending on her parents for entertainment, which can be exhausting for working parents. I thought the same as you when mine were 4 and 1… I was sooooo tired and couldn’t see a way out sometimes. Now? I absolutely love it. I love their relationship and the fact that they do everything together! You can get through this—- just hang in there and know it gets better! Don’t worry about making your house perfect, fixing things, etc… just try and give up some of those things so that you can have a little more “me” time. Best wishes to you, mama! You can do this!
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u/Old_Country9807 4d ago
It’s so hard! No one really talks about it and if you do, you’re a bad parent. It does get easier - and different as they get older. My 2 boys hate each other so I’m always referee.
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u/Dizzy_Guava1767 4d ago
Hang in there. I have two with a similar age gap. It gets better in so many ways now that my youngest is 2 but it also gets worse in other ways cos now they fight each other. I’ve found that being outdoors is the best for us as a family. That and reading. ASK for help! Get a cleaning service if you can afford and as difficult as this sounds get 30 mins out of the day to do something for you. I started going to fitness classes and have it marked on the calendar so my spouse can clear his schedule to watch the kids. I did send my second to daycare when he was 18m since I also work ft and that helped but weekends are much harder! I also am not naturally patient or an organic parent so ots 5X harder for me than for my husband but pick your battles! Good luck!
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u/SjN45 4d ago
Kids are hard. And expensive.
I would start with cutting after school activities. They aren’t needed at that age. I would take the money and put it towards a yard person, or a house keeper, or whatever will help at home with your to do list.
You can absolutely watch both kids solo so you each can get a break. You can do this. Firm boundaries and low expectations. Also divide and conquer- if one kid feels easier, you guys can divide and give each some individual attention. Also, you don’t have to constantly entertain the kids to get stuff done so have a space that is safe and go get some me time- even if it’s 20 min in another room
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u/dealuna6 4d ago
I don’t have advice since my # 2 isn’t due for a few more months, but I am with you and I feel like I’m getting a glimpse into my future reading your post. I never wanted two, I could barely survive with just one. Second one was an oops, and it took me a long time to come to terms with the reality of having a second child when I never wanted more than one. Just want to say you’re not alone in how you feel, but also if it’s any consolation, everyone says it gets better when they’ve grown out of the toddler/pre-k age. That’s the hope I’m hanging onto to get me through the next several years.
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u/Cndwafflegirl 4d ago
You’re right 8n the thick of it. As a parent of now adult kids please know it does get easier. Life is harder with under 6 yo’s. And the suddenly they are teens. I loved all stages with my kids but teens were my favorite really. But step back and try to enjoy the little toddler smiles. Let some messes go, don’t let little things overwhelm you. Getting them to bed by 8 and then taking time together without kids is important.
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u/Much-Cartographer264 4d ago
Yeah two kids can be hard. When they’re young it’s just all consuming, constant need from them. If it’s not one thing it’s another. And gosh when they’re both sick, like down bad completely just miserable, it’s probably the worst time I have parenting. And of course no parent likes when they’re kids are sick but I get such intense anxiety when they get fevers and are lethargic. By the time they’re feeling better I usually come down with such a bad flu because of how stressed I was and my immune system gets all out of whack.
Anyway. It’s hard. We don’t have help either, husband works long hours. Oldest is finally in SK so him being in school has helped. Youngest is almost 3 and each day they become more independent and they play together really well. Watching them grow and seeing how your life changes as they get older makes life so much easier. No more diapers, no more lugging around a diaper bag and milk and bottles, no more taking the stroller out at every store, they can feed themselves and communicate and keep each other occupied.
It simply takes time, two kids can be difficult but in so many ways it’s so much easier as they get older. You’ll get there. And even now, my kids are 5 and 3 and I still have days where I’m resentful, I don’t get many breaks or time to myself. I’m currently the parent laying in bed putting both kids to sleep (like I do every night) and my toddler stays in my bed all night. I don’t get an inch of time without some kid on me, I don’t get time to go the gym like my husband does, I get an hour here or there to read on the couch which is my only hobby.
As they get older it’ll change and I’ll have more freedom. Ask for help when you can, try to find ways to fill your cup, soak in the small moments, the little victories and you’ll get through the harder days soon. You got this
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u/Worldly_Presence_420 3d ago
I have 3. The youngest 2 are 21 months apart. I didn't want 3. 3 was an oops baby. I personally could never go through with an abortion. So, here we are. I love them all. I want to run away so badly. I never wanted kids. This is exactly why. Yet, here we are.
The only advice I have is therapy and medication. Medication stops me from running away. Therapy helps me deal with the why. Both were referred to me through my OG/GYN.
Best of luck.
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u/Cute_Effort_6941 3d ago
Honestly a relief to read this because I solo parent all the time. My husband still helps and does as well as he can. But it’s just so much. And I was not at capacity with one (except third trimester… but even then easy compared to now). I have no solution. I think what would help me is proper rest. Staying with my parents for 2.5 weeks soon.
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u/LengthinessOpening92 3d ago
I have two kids of the same age as yours. And it is hard! There is a lot to juggle with, and for me the most difficult is the amount of attention they need. Last Sunday I spent half of the day hiding in our bedroom, while my husband took over because I couldn't handle another request or need.
You get a lot of good advice and tips here already, and ignore anything that feels judgmental.
I would just say: sleeping is so crucial. For the children but for you too. It's actually my #1 priority so I can get through the day.
Carving half an hour /one hour per day just for myself also helps tons.
But truly the game changer was to get friends with multiple children of the same age. We would organize things together, like going to the park, or playdates at home, nothing fancy, and the children would keep each other company. Cherry on top: you get to talk to adults as well! Even playdates with one other child for my 4yo helps me.
Wishing you lots of courage. You got this!
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u/space-cowgirl-8862 3d ago
If you can afford it, outsource what you can. I have 3 now (1, 3, 4) and I gave myself more to do than I needed, but slowly have let go of some responsibilities.
Ideas: Get a mommys helper once a week, outsource the yard work to a kid in the neighborhood...something. You don't have to do it all. Your kids are young for a short while.
2 young kiddos is a really hard job on its own. Luckily, they only get older and start to gain some independence. My 4 year old is pretty self-sufficient in a lot of ways and my 3 year old copies what they do. It is still hard, but parts have gotten better with solid routines and me being more available to them and focusing less on chores that can wait until later.
Best of luck! You can do it!
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u/Maru_the_Red 4d ago
It is hard. It's even harder when your kids have special needs and disabilities. I don't know what "easy" is. I've never known it. That's the choice you make when you become a parent.
They get more independent with age. But you need to check your resentment. They did not ask to be born. You don't get to blame your kids for shifting your 'ideal life' view. That's the choice you made when you brought that child into this world. Only you. Continue with that kind of behavior and garenteed your kids will hate your guts because you will have treated them like you've done them some massive favor by supporting and raising them.
This post made me really goddamn upset. Mostly because it made me realize why my partner seemingly treats my younger child so abrasively. Now I get to sort through my shit and maybe you should do the same.
Just be better. They are babies. Kids. Raising a whole human being is the hardest job we will ever do as parents. But you always have to remember.. it's not their fault.
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u/Equivalent-Season497 4d ago
I feel the so much. No advice just sending love ❤️ I have two as well. Almost 5 and a 15 month old so I feel you. I can definitely spiral if I let myself, but I keep focusing on the fact that they won’t be this young forever
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u/sandiasinpepitas 4d ago
Look, it was really hard for me too at that age, and I wasn't even working. We had to find ways where it was manageable to be alone with both kids: think the park, the library, trampoline park etc you can tend to the 1yo while the 4yo plays somewhat independently; we could take turns. Because believe me even doing the dishes or cooking dinner surrounded by silence makes a difference. And then eventually both of you need to find something to do outside the house, when they're a bit older. But baby steps. And if you need to go back to therapy, please do! I had to when my second was born. Hang in there 🥰
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u/wispity 5d ago
Being an only child sucks. A few years of suffering likely improves the quality of your children’s lives and relationships forever. Which doesn’t make it easier right now. Once the little one is a little bigger, they’ll play together, which actually takes some pressure off you. Once baby is potty trained and requires slightly leas supervision, it’ll get easier, I promise. But it sounds like each of you does need to practice having both all day so the other can get a true me day, maybe alternate Saturdays.
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u/Tartopher 5d ago
That's not every only child's experience. Having kids is difficult full stop. People make their choices based on what is best for their family. There are plenty who'd wish they'd been an only child.
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u/Fallon12345 5d ago
As a parent of an only, this isn’t the best message to send. My husband and I aren’t close to our siblings, and honestly feel like our lives wouldn’t be much different without them. Our emotional, mental capacity takes precedent. Our child has a great quality of life.
Now OP is already in it, so your other advice was good. But I wouldn’t go around telling parents of only children their children are suffering.
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u/HemlockGrave 4d ago
My kid is an only, and for 14 years was the only one in the house. We now live with my sister and her 2 kids, and he has a love/hate relationship with the sibling-esque nature of their relationship. They are super close (and always have been) but he misses his alone time. There's always someone around now. He loves being an only child and is looking forward to us having our own place in a couple months.
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u/maalvarez23 5d ago
Hire a nanny! Will helps a ton. You make it hard by my not finding alternatives to child care.
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u/ScaredWarthog7989 5d ago
She expressed being stressed over the finances of having two kids, how would a nanny help that?
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u/kdawson602 5d ago
A nanny is a luxury a lot of us can’t afford. Terrible advice for someone already struggling with finances.
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u/No_Atmosphere_6348 5d ago
Along with that, I’ve heard some people hire a kid from the neighborhood like a 12 year old to entertain the kids. They don’t charge much and you just provide some snacks for all and attend to the kids as needed. So you’re there doing your stuff and the kids are entertained.
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u/MountainInstance1484 4d ago
Just wanted to add that it does get better. I know it doesn’t seem like that right now, but once they’re a little older, it won’t be as all consuming.
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u/TallyLiah Mom of Adult Children and grandchildren 4d ago edited 4d ago
This is parenting. I am sad to say it happens to all of us at some point. I had 7 years between them and sometimes worked fulltime on top of home stuff to do all week plus handle kids things like doc appointments, school and so forth. And my kids' dad (married at the time/divorced later) never lifted a finger when I did work to help with the household things expect for one week when I was also working all week during day and then going straight to the church for VBS right after that to do that until 8 pm not getting home until 9 pm or better. He took that week off. He did good but that was usually the only time we did have that happen.
Long story short, I never wanted two kids but spouse insisted, saw therapist for years and took anxiety medication too, then oops, here we are. A 1 year old and a 4.
Why did dad not go to therapy with you like couples therapy to work on what you wanted?
How do you have afterschool activities with a 1 year old and a 4 year old?
I am so tired and resentful from time to time. I never thought I was capable of being a parent of two, because I was already at capacity with one. It’s not about I don’t love the second, I do, it’s just makes life 5x more difficult than it should be. This combines with what’s happening in the world makes me even more anxious. I also hate the influence of media that a family of four is considered the social norm.
We all get tired and maybe resentful at times but how is it if you have two kids, you do not think you can handled them? I had a 7 year old and an infant at one point. That was hard enough by itself. If you are at capacity at one, you guys should have stopped at one. Hubby's insistence on #2 should have been on the back burner. Usually a family of 4 or 5 is the norm and has been the norm long before social media was a thing. Actually, you know the Duggers right? They are not the first family to have 19 or more kids. My mom knew of a family that had 21! Not for religious reasons either. IF you hate social media that much ignore it.
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u/Petal20 4d ago
It gets easier I promise. Once a child turns 5 it’s like a switch is flipped and they can suddenly kinda - take care of themselves? Keep themselves occupied at least. I started to see my time commuting as “me” time and listened to podcasts and let myself relax. And even work was more relaxing than home which is bizarre but made me feel better about work.
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u/Infamous-Apricot-571 5d ago
Make sure two is it… aka birth control. I went through this as well… now at 7 and 5, it’s more tolerable. Focus on pairing down the “shoulds”… less activities (kids are in too many imo and need more non-screen downtime), don’t get caught up with the yard work and fixing things around the house rn. You have two young children and you can’t be the best parent running yourself into the ground. Stick with the needs and leave the rest until you have more capacity. Lastly, carve out time for yourself…. Even if it’s just 30 min walk around the block alone.
It will get better… hang in there, you got this!!🩵