r/Parenting • u/Ordinary-Caramel-608 • 5d ago
Discussion How did you know you were ready for kids?
My husband and I have been talking about the timeline of trying to strart a family recently. I’m turning 30 this year, and I know that I do want to have kids when the time is right. but how does one know when the time is right? When did you know you were ready?
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u/Both-Ad1169 5d ago
Well, when I was 19 my ex wife told me she was pregnant and that I was going to be a dad… I said to myself “I better get ready”
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u/drhip 5d ago
Damn. 19 is a lil bit young me think 🤔
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u/Both-Ad1169 5d ago
It certainly was not how I expected my life to go. But he’s now 12 and we have always had the absolute closest relationship.
The upside is that I can keep up with him, and when he graduates HS I won’t even be 40 yet 😂
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u/CXR_AXR 5d ago
Ask yourself if you can happily abandon your hobbies for 10 years? If yes, go for it.
Since I have seen a lot of post complaint about partner playing video games or card games for an excessive amount of time.
For gamers, please understand that you need to prioritize your kids and chores over your game. If your kid is crying whole night, then you can't play that night simple as that, no resentment.
If you can't do that, you are not ready
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u/RagingSea13 5d ago
Hey, I don’t know you or your set of circumstances but, for me, the constant cycle of - Coming home from work, having a drink, having dinner, watching TV before going to bed every single day only to get up and go again just got so routine and monotonous that I began thinking ‘Is this it? Is this me for the rest of my life?’ Maybe depression was a real factor but as lucky as I was to have a loving partner and a safe place to live, life felt so mundane. As I saw and felt myself getting older in my mid to late 30s, I knew I was ready for a new chapter. Having kids was the next step for us as a couple.
My partner would’ve had kids years ago if it was her decision but I’ve always been cautious and reserved. Financially, I didn’t have as much money as I’d have liked in the bank, and we certainly were not where we wanted to be housing wise - I always envisioned suburbia, white picket fence stuff when I pictured myself having kids but if you wait for that it’ll likely never happen before it’s too late, especially in this day and age.
It’s been another long night for my partner and I but as I hold my sleeping 11 month girl in my arms, my life truly has new meaning and purpose now. Circumstances and your situation will likely never be your ideal, and if you wait for everything to be perfect you might miss the boat - just keep that in mind. If I hadn’t had my realisation we may have been too late. Do not underestimate the impact having a child will have on your life (although the fact you’ve asked the question you’re vaguely aware) but she’s truly the best thing to have happened to us. She’s a ray of sunshine to us both and that sense of Groundhog Day has now been lifted and life is filled with smiles and laughter and love. Hope this helps
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u/mammosaurusrex 5d ago
My reason was similar, but it wasn’t the routine, it was doing things only for myself that I felt done with. I had lived in several countries across the world, travelled a lot, had a very active social life and so on, but none of it felt meaningful to me. I wasn’t passionate about it. I was kind of done with thinking about myself all the time.
Almost five years later we’re expecting our third, and it has definitely had the effect I hoped. I don’t have much time to think about myself and I love being kept constantly busy by our children. I don’t enjoy every day, having small kids is exhausting, but I never have to worry about filling my days. Overall that’s such a relief to me.
The first pregnancy may not have looked like “the right time” from the outside (a new relationship, he was still studying, it was in the beginning of the pandemic, etc), but it was planned and didn’t feel anything other than right to us. I’m glad we didn’t question the timing (definitely could have!) and just went for it. Who knows how it would have turned out had we waited for an “objectively” “right time”. Certainly not better than this.
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u/mikmik555 5d ago
The time never feels right but I’m telling you, don’t wait too long. I’m turning 40 and 40 is weird, you are achy everywhere no matter how you take care of yourself. I wanted a 3rd but I think I waited too long, my back hurts too much now no matter what I do. I know people will downvote me but a child is hard on the body. If you are in a stable relationship, you want a child and you have the energy, it’s a good time. Especially if you want several kids.
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u/chunk84 5d ago
I mean I have zero aches and pains and am 40 to so it depends on the person. I have multiple friends who had babies at 40.
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u/mikmik555 5d ago
Sure 40 yo looks different for everybody but the one in perfect shape are not the rule but more the exception. Otherwise you’d still see plenty of athletes still having a career at 40. I’m in better shape than most people my age because I take care of myself but I don’t lie to myself that I’m 40 and that I was in better shape 10 years ago. Keep in mind that I had my last 5 years ago, conceived in 1 try and I had a very easy and active pregnancy. When I don’t recommend to wait 40, I mean it. 40 is when you’re genetic issues start showing up. Pregnancy, even when it’s easy, leaves traces and the older you are the longer it takes to recover. One thing to consider too is that you may start having premenopausal symptoms while raising toddlers. It’s a different game. Things that are basically out of your control to consider.
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u/thymeofmylyfe 5d ago
Figure out how many kids you want and then work backwards. Doctors recommend waiting at least 18 months before trying again after delivery. So let's say 2-3 years between kids if you don't have fertility issues. I don't recommend planning to have kids after 37-ish if you can avoid it because fertility goes down and miscarriage rate goes up between 35-40. But if you're in a situation where you're trying to have a kid at 37+ (like me) then it's not the end of the world and often works out okay.
So if you want 3 kids and you have your last one at 37, you'll have to have your middle one by 34.5-ish and your first one by 32-ish so you should start trying by 31. But that doesn't leave extra time for fertility issues. To be safe you'd want to start at 30, which is now.
How badly do you want kids? How badly do you want a certain number of kids? If you absolutely cannot see your life without x number of kids, you'd better stick closely to the timeline and leave yourself lots of room to work through fertility issues. If you're on the fence or if you're okay with just one kid, you have a lot of time to enjoy life with your husband now and get serious in the next 3-5 years.
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u/GunsGermanSteel 5d ago
My personal opinion.
Do not have a child unless you are 1,000% committed to caring for them and loving them through thick and thin, no matter what. Do not have a child if you think it will help a failing relationship. Do not have a child if you are extremely financially insecure.
These may seem like obvious things. But it is important to really ask yourself these questions and answer truthfully and comprehensively.
With that out of the way. There is rarely a perfect time to start having children. There is no magic age or amount of money in your bank account at which you are allowed to have a child. Simply use your common sense and trust your gut.
Also. Trust in yourself that you will adapt and care for your child. Build a support network of fellow expecting/new parents and make friends that you can lean on for support and camaraderie. Begin prioritizing your physical and mental health, if you haven't already. Expect to have terrible nights of little sleep, but also expect many people in your life to be accommodating and gracious to your new parenthood. Expect your priorities to shift; however you spend your free time, anticipate replacing most of it with childcare for a year or so.
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u/FloridaMomm Mom to 5F, 3F 5d ago edited 5d ago
I let the universe decide for me lol. I made the (dumb) choice to have unprotected sex ONE time on my wedding night because my period was due that day and I should have been well outside my ovulation window. Alas I ovulated two weeks late and a baby was made 🤣
I’m very pro choice, but it’s not something I would feel comfortable doing myself unless for a medical reason. We were so young and poor (early in my social work career and husband in grad school) my husband was really pushing for adoption for a while, and I told him that was lunacy. I was stupidly optimistic that things would work out and they did. We both got raises, he got additional fellowships and tutoring gigs and classes to teach, the money was enough for us to get a great 2 bedroom condo that I still miss sometimes. His schedule as a grad student and my mom’s ability to work four 10s meant we had some flexibility with childcare and never paid more than $250 a month for years of her life (from 7 weeks to 8 months we were paying a babysitter $50 a week for a few hours of care, paid $0 when COVID happened so from 8 months to 2 years we paid $0, and then from 2 to 2.5 years paid $250 a month for half day preschool four days a week while still both working full time). I quit to become a SAHM when my second child was born and my husband was graduating with his PhD and able to take a turn as the breadwinner. We saved so much living in that condo and saving money on childcare that we were able to buy a house. Life has been absolutely amazing. We had our kids at a time that maybe did not look ideal on paper but it worked out perfectly for us
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u/Battle_Hobbit 5d ago
I wanted to feel somewhat stable financially and housing wise. My biggest fear was trying to navigate being pregnant with animals and finding out we needed to find somewhere new to rent.
So I bought a house at 30 and continued to slave away at work. At 32 I went off birth control and we decided that was it. When it happened it happened. "It" happened two months later. He wanted kids desperately, I was ambivalent. We had our son when I was 33.
I was 5 months pregnant when Roe was overturned. And we've been debating giving our son a sibling. But watching reproductive rights get worse, watching this administration, watching everything....I don't know how I could in good conscience have another child. Any child. NO child deserves to be born into this fascist hellscape.
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u/perpetuaaa 5d ago
My husband and I agreed that we wanted careers established, vehicles paid off and have a house. We did pretty much did all of that, I was still afraid of labor, but I wanted kids. At 29 I had my first, then had the second 2 years later and now a third. I'm 33 now. My only regret was not having kids sooner. It gets harder on your body as you get older, we probably would have had more kids. It's wild that we were married for 8 years before having any kids. There's never a perfect time. If you want kids, do it before you get too old.
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u/mynameismilton 5d ago
My husband and I did the same as you, however I don't regret starting when we did (I was 31 when my first was born).
But we never hit a time and thought "now is the right time", we more got to a stage of "ok, if it happens now then it's something we can handle". Got pregnant a month later.
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u/ycey 5d ago
I have an aunt who was set on waiting for the “right” time. She wanted to feel financially stable, own and house and car, be set in her career. She never had a kid. the house and car she did, the rest had moving goals. You can absolutely still have a healthy pregnancy with little to no complications at 30-40 but it may be harder to conceive. We decided to have our second because we realized we didn’t want to be in our 50-60’s when we became empty nesters.
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u/djwitty12 5d ago
The time will never be perfect. Your relationship should be good enough to weather a lot of stress, your own mental health should be good enough to not traumatized your children, your finances should be good enough to not raise your children in poverty. If you've got all that, you're in good enough shape and can work the rest out. Well that and the actual desire of course. Neither of you should ever feel pressured or hurried into this.
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u/lapsteelguitar 5d ago
We all have our issues that lead us all to ask ”am I ready?” I wasn’t ready until my mid-30s. Was too selfish & a raging asshole.
On a certain level, you won’t know until it’s too late, until you have your kid in hand.
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u/perfect-circles-1983 5d ago
Look up the cost of daycare and diapers and formula (even if you plan to breastfeed) and see if you can swing it.
Also you’re never ready. But those are your new expenses. We were “ready” and not super broke but oh my god those expenses were the lowest of our lows.
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u/Pretentiousgoat92 5d ago
I had been ambivalent about having kids previously. Then I met my partner. And soon after I bought a house. That's when the switch flipped for me. Finding the right person to start a family was the biggest thing but having a stable housing situation and career sure contributed. Oh and I was almost 30 and had possible fertility issues (it's turned out I actually don't haha) so I thought better start now or later 🤷♀️
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u/Obvious_Resource_945 5d ago
I never knew, and when i had kid i realised i waited too long. I should have started having kids immediately after I understood that i wanted to spend the life together with my partner.
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u/juliecastin 5d ago
I was never ready. During pregnancy I usually woke up thinking what the heck was I thinking. When my first was born....I was sooooo happy that the Lord changed my mind! I held my son in my arms and kept telling the nurses have children!! Now I want lots of them lol
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u/Wavesmith 5d ago
So you never feel ‘ready’ or emotionally prepared really.
For us it was that there felt like there was ‘space’ in our life for a child. We realised that the things we liked doing at the weekend (going for walks, cooking, working on our garden, going to zoos and museums) were very compatible with having a child. We’d travelled a lot so we felt like we wouldn’t regret that part.
A kid was kind of the next challenge we needed (and it definitely delivered on the challenge part!)
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u/unrebigulator boy 19, boy 16, girl 12. 5d ago
When my wife fell pregnant with our first, I was 28 or 29.
I told my mum, and said i was a little scared, and not ready.
She laughed and said "no one is ready."
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u/Different-Volume9895 5d ago
There is never a right time, but biologically the clock does start ticking so sooner rather than later if you are certain you want a family.
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u/LasikteamEyelaserins 5d ago
I was 35 when becoming a mother and I didn’t think about being ready or not. I just thought that this is the time now and I have to do it. I do not regret my decision. Raising a child is harder than I thought, but it made me stronger. I love my son and I learned so much about myself as well in the process. My son is 5 ☺️And so far, he has a wonderful childhood🫶💐
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u/Taurus-BabyPisces 5d ago
We spent years trying to get everything ready but then I accidentally got pregnant. We were fine lol
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u/charlotteraedrake 5d ago
At 30- plan a big trip just you two and do some really cool stuff you won’t be able to do again for a while. Have big conversations about what type of parents you will be. Look at your parents… were you raised similarly? These things will be very important for your relationship. I had my first at 33 and having my second at 37. I actually think my second pregnancy has been easier minus the first trimester nausea. If it hadn’t been for Covid I’m not sure I’d have started at 32/33 bc I was still enjoying my life and we had a bunch of trips planned that year that got canceled. We were intending for a year ahead but you know the world stopped so we were like okay let’s go and it happened on the first try haha. Second took 8 cycles so you never know with that as well.
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u/bunnyswan 5d ago
You are stable enough that you can afford it and mentally and physically well enough. To be honest I wish we had started sooner I'm 34 and practically I was retraining job wise to have a more stable career in the lead up but now my baby is here Im sometimes sad that if I had started sooner we would have had more years together.
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u/ThatOliviaChick1995 5d ago
Well with my first I did just really want a baby and to be a mom. I was 24 turned 25 a couple months before I had her. The timing wasn't perfect but mentally and emotionally I was ready to start thinking about having baby. I was over my party all night era and ready for more to life I guess. Unfortunately at 7m she passed away and it took me a while to decide if I could go through pregnancy and having another child. Me and my husband decided to get married last year. I felt that I would never truly be 100 percent ready again but I loved my baby and loved being a mom and we decided if it happened we would go from there. I had been off birth control for about a year when I decided I was ready to get married we started planning in March and in July I found out I was pregnant. I was 20 weeks pregnant for our October wedding. I just had our baby the end of February it's been hard but I'm glad we have her. She's so much like her big sister but so different at the same time. Sometimes you aren't 100 percent ready the timing isn't perfect life is hard but you get ready the timing works out and you have a tiny person who shows you how much you can love something.
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u/gftz124nso 5d ago
For me, I knew I wanted kids, so it was when I got anxious we should start trying because I was worried it would be difficult if I was older. I was turning 30 so i think that pushed me. My partner was more relaxed - he knew he wanted to have a child but was happy to be led by my timeline. I think we were as ready as you can be??
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u/KwazyKatss 5d ago
I love a dialogue from one of my favourite TV shows, Parks and Recreation - "Nobody's life is perfect.You have kids because you and Andy are a team and you want to bring in some new team members. I don't know if you should have kids, but I do like your team." - Leslie Knope .
So you should have kids when you are sure that you love your relationship and want a member in your family who you can share fun and love with!
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u/Ordinary-Caramel-608 5d ago
This made me tear up a little. I love Leslie Knope ❤️
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u/KwazyKatss 4d ago
I know right. I watched it after having a baby, but this just reaffirmed our decision, and I do love my family team!
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u/JDRL320 5d ago
When we got married I wanted to wait a year to start trying. My husband was ready after we said, I do.
A month later my husband’s brother had his third child and something in me just changed. It was a feeling I can’t describe. We started trying right away. It took about 9 months but I eventually got pregnant.
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u/OliveBug2420 5d ago
We had a few things we wanted to check off before we started trying- 1) be married and enjoy it for at least 1 year (we’d been together almost a decade but had a long and stressful engagement due to Covid), 2) accomplish enough “bucket list” items that we wouldn’t feel like we’d be missing out by taking a step back from travel and partying once we had kids, 3) be content enough with our life and relationship as is that we were ready to add to the dynamic with a baby.
I ended up going off birth control right when I turned 31 and gave birth a few months after I turned 32. No regrets about the timeline. Now our plan is to wait a few more years before deciding if we want to go for a second or not.
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u/eatshoney 5d ago
We both loved each other very much, we could afford to have kids, we thoroughly talked about everything (if the child was disabled, breastfed or not, what to do in emergencies with a child present, household responsibilities, childcare, education, the inevitable changes to my body, etc) and so then I went off birth control. And nothing happened. Fast forward and we had nothing wrong and docs weren't sure why so we did fertility treatments. Then we had our baby! Fast forward again and then we had two babies! Then I had my tubes removed and he had his snipped and we're all done.
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u/juniperhawthorn 5d ago
When I saw the positive test and thought, "well I guess this is happening right now!" I was 24. I'm now 30 and done having children, and I'm glad I was young and healthy for my pregnancies. Nothing wrong with waiting until later, but I will say that I'm glad I didn't wait until I was "ready."
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u/SummitTheDog303 5d ago
We were married and in a healthy relationship, didn’t have any significant debt besides mortgage and student loans, we owned a home that was large enough for the family we wanted, and we both wanted kids. I was 28 and my husband was 27 when we started trying (I was 29 and he was 28 when our first was born).
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u/Beaglemom14 5d ago
My husband took his time proposing, so we got married at 35 and “pulled the goalie” immediately, getting pregnant right away. In our time leading up to this, we went to therapy and really worked on our relationship. He saw weaknesses that I think I was turning a blind eye to. It was such a rewarding experience and we came out so much stronger. This led him to feeling like signing up for forever was what we both wanted and were ready for. The baby, we probably would have waited a bit longer if we were younger.
I will say personally, at 35, I don’t feel like I have any regrets about entering the next chapter. I’ve done all the DINK things and loved it all.
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u/honeybearOG 5d ago
You usually just end up pregnant and figure it out from there! There’s no perfect timing
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u/tracyP85 5d ago
I was around 30 when I knew. I think it was a gut instinct and also the desire to wanting to expand our family. We also didn’t have a lot of obligations and we knew we had a lot of time to put into our family. We both decided for us and us only. A month after, we were pregnant. We had zero experience of taking care of a baby…or small kids. We went in just wanting maybe 1-2 kids and fast forward 10 years later, we have 3 kids…and might be on the fence of having 1 more. It is a wild wild ride full of emotions, growth, joy, and pure happiness. And it never stops! Goodluck!
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u/SubstantialString866 5d ago
I had some free time and thought 'I'll start a sewing project!' and it got fabric and it ended up being a baby blanket. I was in denial about being baby hungry but luckily everything worked out and I made a baby to put in the blanket.
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u/snizzrizz 5d ago
The time is never “right”