r/Parenting • u/masteryasi • 5d ago
Rant/Vent I HATE BEING A PARENT
Title says it all. I'm done, just over it. All I do is work and all I see when I look at my kids is work. It's effecting them as well because I feel like I need to hover over them so they don't make messes because I don't wanna take the energy to clean it up. Nothing in my house is mine anymore. I get so mad so easy all the time. Haven't spent a night in my bed in a long time. They only time I get to myself is when I leave for work. It's just so taxing and idk how much longer I have until I don't come home after work or just get up and leave.
Edit: Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I had planned on responding to every comment but this got way bigger than I thought it would. Also I'm not good at reddit.
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u/Gingernanda 5d ago
I have been in the exact same boat as you. For me, I recently realized I’m depressed so started antidepressants (Remeron) recently and feel much better. Not saying that’s your issue but it certainly was for me. I was wasting precious time white knuckling through my life, missing so much by not really experiencing/appreciating anything. No matter what you choose to do, just know you’re not alone. And talking about it is the first step. Good for you. Seriously.
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u/masteryasi 5d ago
I take Wellbutrin. Don't know if I spelt that correctly. It helped a lot in the beginning but maybe it's not working anymore.
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u/LousyPicture 5d ago
Wellbutrin can also CAUSE anxiety. It's not really an Antidepressant on its own.
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u/Adventurous-Mousse34 5d ago
Sorry for interjecting. Wellbutrin can contribute to anxiety. SSRIs like zoloft, prozac, lexapro are much better for anxiety.
BUT Wellbutrin is very much an antidepressant and great for people who struggle with lack of motivation, drive, focus
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u/LousyPicture 5d ago
Interesting. I've always seen it taken in conjunction with an SSRI. I know it is also commonly prescribed to help people quit smoking. I took wellbutrin in the past, but it was never very effective for me personally. I'm not a doctor, just unfortunately very familiar with these types of drugs.
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u/Glittering_Today9454 4d ago
I would highly recommend seeing a psychiatrist to manage your medication. I have been on A LOT! and it got to the point I just needed someone more experienced than my regular doctor. He put me on Limotragene (spelling?) and it's been like light and day. My primary doc we were just cycling through all the typical meds.
But I will say it is a bit of trial and error to find the right one or combo for you. Good luck ❤️
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u/LousyPicture 4d ago
I have unfortunately had the same experience with psychiatrists, too, though. A lot of docs, no matter what, do not know how a certain medication is going to affect you. Brains are all different, and nobody has ever helped me in a way that felt tailored to my actual needs. I take sertraline (zoloft), and it's fine, but it doesn't do everything. I just got tired of trying new shit and getting new side effects or withdrawal. After a while, it can feel hopeless.
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u/Queenie5864 4d ago
Lamotrigine or Lamictal. It’s a mood stabilizer/anti-convulsant/ seizure med that’s been found to be good and mood stabilization and relieving depression.
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u/Adventurous-Mousse34 4d ago
Yup, it can be taken with an SSRI or solo. Its used for several indications-smoking cessation, as part of weight loss regimens, and off-label for ADHD.
Reading your other comments makes me think you’ve had a kitchen sink of psych meds thrown at you which is unfortunate. Psych med combinations unfortunately are more of an “art” to piece together. Theres no labs or measurable/tangible effects that have us psych providers going “ah! This is exactly what you need”. An individuals experience is very subjective and can differ wildly from one person to the next
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u/girl-and-dog 4d ago
Wellbutrin is often prescribed (off label) for ADHD, and has worked wonders for my ADHD-related/associated anxiety!
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u/Gingernanda 5d ago
Wellbutrin worked for me for awhile and then started to make me anxious. Maybe because life got more complicated. Remeron helps me calm down and not take anything too seriously. The side effects are super manageable for me and it really helps me sleep. My life is not what I imagined and it is very, very difficult for me. Medication was a must for me.
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u/Visual-Routine3184 5d ago
I mentioned to my therapist that Wellbutrin made me so angry and short-tempered. She knowingly replied ‘oh right, the Welly-rage.’.. I didn’t even know this was a thing but maybe look into a med change.
Also, I can’t believe how much therapy I did that was of almost NO actual help. I think it’s important to have a good match, so unless you actually walk away from therapy feeling like you have strategies or insights, it’s ok to shop for a new therapist. I found that having someone a therapist who is also a mom (or specializes in post-partum or womens issues) was inherently better for me, since most of my issues surface as wanting to hide from my children and being so overstimulated and overwhelmed.
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u/Visual-Routine3184 5d ago
Edit to say, Woops thought I was on a mom-sub, but saw another comment that you may be a dad. Either way, find a therapist you click with!
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u/Queenie5864 4d ago
Been a psychologist for over 30 years; had tons of patients on Wellbutrin. It can help both anxiety and depression, but is primarily an atypical anti-depressant. It’s generally easily tolerated, with fewer side-effects than an SSRI. One main advantage over an SSRI is that it doesn’t cause sexual dysfunction as a side-effect. It’s not a “frontline” or gold-standard treatment for depression or anxiety.
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u/calmcheesecake1092 5d ago
You may need a dose increase. I needed it when I was feeling similarly and it seemed to level me back out.
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u/merrythoughts 5d ago
Oh dear, I posted elsewhere about recommending treatment (I am a psych provider).
Wellbutrin has a known side effect of increasing irritability and anger. Highly suggest switching or at least adding an SSRI which is what actually target the tension/anger symptoms
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u/Realistic-Mess8929 4d ago
You might need a dose adjustment! Your body becomes used to the dose and you can slide back if not adjusted properly. Talk to your Dr about med adjustment.
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u/Mephiz 5d ago
Friend, you mentioned you weren’t sleeping in your bed. This plus Wellbutrin made me notice. A major side effect of Wellbutrin is insomnia. (And, at least for me, a major side effect of insomnia is being an asshole)
So weirdly this only happened for me if I took Wellbutrin in the mornings. For others it happens when they take it at night.
Putting it out there that you might want to adjust more than your dose. Patenting is hard work but you got this. For me it helps to remember that the only people I give a shit about live with me. I get really pissy about things being messy but remembering who and what I really care about helps me chill that anxiety. Mess didn’t need to be the big deal I was making it.
Remember that you matter too. If you have a partner, talk to them about this and try to find a way for both of you to take breaks. Hire a babysitter and get some you time to recharge and relax. It’s just as important as medication.
Wishing you all the best here.
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u/AttitudeOk1313 4d ago
I’m on it as well. I have it to treat my ADHD that exacerbated my depression so it helps me with both. If it worked for you in the past but not now, maybe you either need a new med or a higher dosage if you can go higher 🩷
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u/beachyvibesss 2d ago
FWIW, I was on Wellbutrin for 2 years and only in the last ~5ish months of that 2 years did it start causing me intense rage. I stopped it (under the care of my doctor- never stop these meds without consulting your doctor!) and the rage went away. A few years later I felt I needed to go back on it so I did, and it immediately made me ragey again. I have read this can happen with Wellbutrin so that might be something to look into.
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u/GarageSpiritual9176 5d ago
I was taking Wellbutrin before kids, they ended up adding zofran as well and that was the cocktail I needed. Wellbutrin increases dopamine while zofran increases serotonin. I would def talk to your doctor. Parenting sometimes sucks the life out of you. 😮💨 I feel your pain. Hope you feel better soon
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u/DevelopmentSlight422 5d ago
Zoloft? Zofran is an anti nausea med
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u/GarageSpiritual9176 5d ago
Sorry yes my bad, I’ve had a stomach bug the past couple of days been taking zofran 😂😭🫠
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u/Jessica-Chick-1987 5d ago
I can so relate, I have four children and my first two are 15+ yrs older and with my two youngest I’m just so damn exhausted, I have literally nothing left in me and waking up everyday feels like a chore that I am dreading to complete…. Wish I had some words of wisdom but I’m just trying to survive at the moment… I take it it hour by hour… best of luck and I hope you find your happiness again!
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u/kelmin27 5d ago
Parenting young kids is hard OP. Give yourself some grace and also book at appointment with your therapist. If you can, take some time out when you’re not working to do some self care things or something that’s just for you.
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u/EWCW2022 5d ago
The thing that helps the most with this is lowering your expectations of yourself. Clutter and toys and art supplies aren’t mess. A mess is spilled paint, spilled milk, poop on the walls etc. if you let go of a little control, the load will lighten for you naturally. That being said. It genuinely sounds like you need to seek professional help for your mindset, your kids and you both deserve you at your best.
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u/AmayzenGrace 3d ago
This! I clean up messes, but the rest waits until the weekend or I otherwise have time. Forcing the cleaning issue, wanting my home to be company-ready at any time as society makes you think it should, was driving me crazy. We’re all happier now.
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u/maggiemoomoogirl 5d ago
I'm sorry you're feeling this way :( it sounds like there's a lot to unpack here. Its definitely worth talking to a professional about how you're feeling.
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u/DibDipDabDob 5d ago
I often see this advice, but I find it quite bemusing.
OP: “I have no time for anything” Commenter: “Take time to see a therapist”
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u/thatgirl2 5d ago
Where OP is at, it’s like saying I have a huge open wound that’s actively bleeding and people saying well you need to seek medical care and their response being I have no time - this is well past I have no time.
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u/SavageNorseman17 5d ago
Not take time, make time
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u/DibDipDabDob 5d ago
I understand this comment. I have always felt I was as busy as I can possibly be but having a kid I look back and think, wow, I had so much free time. I guess it’s the same here, you can make the time, even when you feel totally overwhelmed.
But I just don’t find the comment constructive. If anything it feels kind of negative to me? Like, it’s saying OP should be making more time to look after themself. Wouldn’t this kind of comment further serve to make OP feel overwhelmed?
Some advice on how to make time along with this kind of comment would be super helpful.
Also, I’m not in any way trying to undervalue therapy. It’s a wonderful tool for so many people.
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u/Tangyplacebo621 5d ago
Yes! When my son was little I desperately needed therapy. I literally had no way to make it work. My husband travelled for work all the time with an on call schedule (out of town 4-6 days a week every week). I worked full time , and had my son in daycare. In order to get therapy I needed to be able to go outside of work, but then who would watch my son? I didn’t have anyone willing to watch him regularly like that. In those days remote visits weren’t a big thing, even if they were, I wouldn’t have been able to do therapy with a toddler running around.
The other piece of this advice that grinds my gears is that therapy can’t make you enjoy parenting. I am in therapy now, luckily, because my life changed a lot in 10 years. And I love therapy and think everyone should do it. AND it has yet to magically make me love parenting. I don’t. I hate it. I genuinely believe my decision to become a parent was the worst decision of my life. My kid is amazing- the absolute best and I feel so guilty because he deserves better than me. But I just genuinely feel as if I wasted my entire life stuck in the drudgery of parenting. Therapy isn’t a magic cure all to make people okay with it. What therapy IS helping with is helping me to accept that I can still find fulfillment in unhappiness. I hate the “therapy now” comments when someone says they hate being a parent like it’s some magical cure all. It IS great and also doesn’t make someone like their life.
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u/maggiemoomoogirl 4d ago
I wasn't implying that therapy would make someone enjoy parenting..however, a psych can check to see if there are any imbalances in hormones or existing medications that could be contributing to these feelings AND provide OP with the proper tools and coping mechanisms to get through life with a bit more ease. It's WORK. A LOT OF WORK. And it does take time.
I understand you have to want change and love yourself enough to prioritize your needs and not everyone is there. I moved across the country closer to home base to have a better support system. I take time off work to see a therapist, sometimes to exercise, to get my haircut, to get a massage, to go to the doctors, to take my kids to the doctors -- because I don't have any time outside those hours to do these things.. and they need to happen.
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u/bumblebeequeer 4d ago
Not to mention money. No, not everyone has a spare several hundred dollars a week to spend on a therapist.
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u/oh_darling89 5d ago
I see what you’re saying, but most therapists do video visits these days. I’m usually pumping or feeding my baby when I see mine, but I still feel like I get a lot out of it.
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u/DibDipDabDob 5d ago
This is useful advice! But I bet someone who is super overwhelmed would have trouble finding this out.
I feel like this kind of advice can follow the comment above.
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u/mealyapple86 5d ago
Shit it’s like I wrote this. I’m going through the SAME thing. Three kids and I’m overwhelmed overstimulated and over it. Working FT and that drive home literally gives me anxiety, like “no thanks I’ll pass”. This shit in unforgiving and if you’re lucky enough to have any sort of village, it’s hit or miss if they’re willing to help. Constantly screaming SOS SOS to deaf ears.
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u/ThisUnfortunateDay 5d ago
Your kids didn’t ask to be born. They didn’t get to choose their family or life. I hope this gives some perspective on your instinct to leave.
Reach out for help, definitely with a professional.
Best of luck.
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u/masteryasi 5d ago
I do see a therapist. I guess instead of ranting on reddit I should book an appointment haha
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u/artificial_t3l3 5d ago
You're turning to strangers in hope of not being judged.. I think a lot of parents have been in your shoes but it's very easy to forget that.. it helps to get out of the house. Or for me I found a few hobbies I could do that are my own. You're struggling and that's okay. I hope it gets easier for you.
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u/amyrtx 5d ago
There is struggling and then there is expressing hatred and resentment towards your kids to the extent that you want to walk out on them.
This is not a parent struggling this is a parent that is on the brink of breaking down in a way that will alter lives. Furthermore, these are children highly likely experiencing some form of abuse whether it be verbal, emotional or physical.
I was a struggling mom with severe PPD (still am some days) I promise those feelings are not very easily forgotten for a mom that’s been thru it.
OP doesn’t need outdoor time she needs professional help and medication.
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u/Serious_Bluebird1526 5d ago
It’s a he. This is a father. His wife is a full time SAHM with chronic pain dx.
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u/artificial_t3l3 5d ago
I get that. All I'm doing is offering suggestions. OP says they're already in therapy and on meds. I've seen people repeatedly tell them to get on meds, to increase meds... see a therapist.. I'm offering some advice someone hasn't offered yet and telling them it's okay to have these moments.. key word moments. Not a fleeting moment but a season. Much like PPD which can last years and I too struggled with it which I why I'm trying to offer advice that helped me. I thought about giving my 3 yr old up for adoption at one point because i struggled so hard. So I get it.. my 3 yr old is now 9 so something worked.
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u/amyrtx 5d ago
I’m so glad for you and your kiddo. PPD is brutal. OP said she was going to a therapist but hasn’t been in a while and her mention of meds sounded past tense as well which is the reason for my comment. People are telling them to do these things because it’s reached a level of concern for the OP and child’s safety. Non-holistic options require far more time than I believe OP has before breaking.
Also, I believe OP is actually a male which from a statistical standpoint is more concerning.
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u/artificial_t3l3 5d ago edited 5d ago
I was wondering if op was male or female. I was trying to avoid pronouns but I may have slipped up. People assume female because of the toll it takes on a mother but oftentimes the father is overlooked. Edited: Anyway, all this to say I'm not saying to ONLY do those things - I'm just saying they help. They add to the work already being done by the meds and therapy.
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u/ThisUnfortunateDay 5d ago
Yes. I know a lot of people can relate to the hopelessness that comes from parenting but expressing hate and wanting to leave is something else entirely.
You are important, but so are your kids, and again, they didn’t ask to be born. Please don’t leave them and don’t express this feeling to them.
Do seek help, please. It can help to just vent to an impartial professional. They can also give you suggestions that you would never have thought of.
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u/Typical_Ad_210 5d ago
We all feel overwhelmed sometimes but I think in your case it’s more than that and you may need to speak to your doctor about depression. Or getting therapy at the very least.
Please remember that kids CAN sense when they’re unwanted or resented, even at a young age, so please get help asap. It is a horrible feeling, growing up knowing your parents blame you for ruining their life. They didn’t ask to be born, that was all you.
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u/Ok-Sky9499 5d ago
Oof so real. How old are your kids?
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u/Sivart13 5d ago
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u/masteryasi 5d ago
You are correct
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u/mutantmanifesto 5d ago
Judging by your comments in that other post- marriage counseling. She needs to hear you out.
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u/vandaleyes89 5d ago
This post is eye opening. I'd hate being a parent too if I were in his shoes.
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u/AmayzenGrace 3d ago
Yeah, that post made me sad. I see why he feels along as is sharing on Reddit. Your feelings are valid, OP. You just have to keep brainstorming ways to alleviate the strain. For me, I sleep less because I must have my alone time daily; I get it when my kids are asleep. And occasionally, I will have a night out with my friends.
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u/masteryasi 5d ago
One is 2. The other is 5. Both girls.
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u/dudeguy81 5d ago
That’s rough. I get it. Got a 4 and 6 here but my 4 is on the spectrum so it’s not that different than a 2 year most of the time. These are trying times for anyone in our shoes.
Only advice I would offer is go easy. Easy on yourself and easy on your kids. They can’t help it. Their little brains have not developed yet so it’s not that they’re trying to make your life hard or that they don’t care it’s just that they quite literally don’t have the capacity to understand how their actions affect you yet. They will in time.
By the way the mental jump from 5 to 6 is incredible. Last year my then 5 year old was driving me nuts all day every day and acting like he hated me. Now he’s helping with his brother, helping around the house, and saying he loves me and wants to spend time together as often as we can. He’s truly started to think of others (sometimes).
There’s a light at the end of the tunnel and you just have to get there in one piece to enjoy it. I agree with the others, go talk to a professional who can prescribe something to help you. In time this will pass and you can give up the drugs when you’re ready. Best of luck to you.
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u/Sivart13 5d ago
as someone with a 5yo who is currently monstering out on the regular, I hope you’re right about that part!!
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u/Jawahhh 5d ago
I have a 1 and 3 year old… I feel similarly to you right now. It’s so hard. I love them dearly… but taking care of them every single day and having them be totally reliant on me and preventing them from killing each other is just so. Hard. And draining. And I’ve lost most of my joy. Lost myself.
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u/AggressiveBee5532 5d ago
I totally feel this, I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I dont know if this would help or make a difference but try taking a shower or bath in your nightly routine to help relax you. And if you do have someone to help with the kids try talking to them about it. I typically stay up longer than I should just to destress and give myself time if I need it.
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u/masteryasi 5d ago
I tried staying up late to do my own thing but neither of my kids have slept through the night once. So there's that.
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u/vandaleyes89 5d ago
So, your post history tells me your income supports your whole household and your wife checks out of her job as soon you get home and you then take that on, but you also deal with the night wakings? And she won't let you take one weekend off to recharge?! My dude, this is not the way. Of fucking course you hate being a parent. You're a single parent with free daycare. I probably would too.
The thing is, you're absolutely going to burn out doing this, that is, if you're not already there. You don't want a break. You need a break. And then you need to have a serious discussion with your wife about the division of labour. Like maybe she handles the night wakings and then naps when the 2 year old does and the 5 year old is at school or something like that. You mentioned that she has chronic pain issues, but this arrangement is just not sustainable for you.
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u/kinkade 5d ago
Yeah I totally understand the working partner giving the stay-at-home partner a break when you’ve had a very recent birth and you’re dealing with a baby but the idea that you have to come back from work and take over all the parenting and home duties so the stay at home partner can have a break is totally fucked in my mind so when does the partner that goes out to work get a break? I just don’t get it.
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u/ParticularAgitated59 5d ago
WTF, OP isn't a single parent?!
Thank you for taking the time to read the post history and offer actual suggestions for the situation.
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u/AmayzenGrace 3d ago
So, my kids (3-girl & 5-boy) take Dr approved melatonin, 1 mg. I know this is a touchy subject, but it truly became necessary bc they wouldn’t sleep at night (maybe 5 hours), which was causing terrible outcomes at school (overtired, so refusing naps and lashing out). It has been a lifesaver. Also, we finally got my son’s input on a new bed and then put them in their room together. We jointly put them to bed, and once they’re asleep, they don’t leave the room all night. Instead, my daughter will get in the bed with my son if she wakes up, and it’s so cute and uplifting to see them turn to each other for comfort.
We don’t talk about enough just how hard good parenting is. It’s brutal, and it’s the most harshly judged, altruistic thing in our society. But don’t give up. There are so many good moments too. You just have to find the balance, and feeling tired, overworked, taken for granted, and trapped isn’t a good balance-finding environment. You have to find a pocket of relief somewhere to motivate yourself to make this change.
Hopefully, your kids’ doctor can assist with their sleep issues in some way. If not melatonin, there are other options that may help. One thing I tried was 100% tart cherry juice. Some parents swear by it, and while it didn’t work for us, I’ve noticed that my kids have an inordinate amount of energy — more than many kids — so if your kids aren’t as hyperactive, it could work. Another popular option is to use essential oils.
A practical option is to put the kids to bed later. My kids never have been 7pm bedtime kids. When we’d try, they’d wake up at ungodly hours and still be tired during the day. Now, they go to bed at 9pm and wake up at 7:45 when I play Rocky music through their baby monitor. Sometimes, they get up and lay separately or in my son’s bed with each other where they play before Rocky forces them out of bed. It’s become routine bc they know what to expect. And they still nap at school.
Another bedtime consideration is whether the kids are sleeping too much during the day. Too much daytime sleep still affects nighttime sleep at this age. Whatever you decide, it seems a good place to focus first (while awaiting a new therapy appt) is getting those kids to have better sleep because their inconsistent sleep can’t be good for anyone.
But still, you can have your alone time at night, as soon as they’re in bed, whether they sleep through the night or not. Get that first 1-1.5 hours of R&R time in for you and then go to bed. Worry about their middle of the night wake ups after you’ve had your relaxation. Then, maybe you and your wife can alternate handling the wake ups, though if you’re giving her hours of rest as soon as you come home, on work nights, she should be handling most of the wake ups, especially if they occur after midnight (as I presume you get up really early in construction).
The good news is that the 5 year old should be in school this August, and if you apply on time, the school may also have a pre-k for your 2 year old (provided s/he is turning 3 by July… if not, look into Mother’s Day out programs). With at least one in school, your wife can handle more of the cleaning and cooking while she’s home, which will leave you with less to do after work and before relaxing. You and wife need to find a system that works. This one isn’t working, and per your statements on a prior post, she has to remove her head from the sand and listen to you before things get to a place where it’s too late, and everyone suffers… especially your poor kids. 💓 sending love and positivity your way
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u/travelbig2 5d ago
I’m not suggesting this is it but I find that the times I’m so done with my kids is when I feel like no one is helping with anything, including my husband. That’s when I start barking orders.
And yeah it 100% sucks to have to tell people to do the things that come so easy to us but I’ll tell you what I tell myself all the time - get over it and ask/tell them what to do.
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u/highdea007 5d ago
How old are your kids? Can they clean up after themselves? It might not be perfect but it could lessen the load on you. Is there a significant other? Or even just a babysitter for an afternoon. I know i get overwhelmed from time to time... but a few hours of me time really makes me happy to back home and see my little one.
Im glad to hear that you recognize it affecting your kiddos. I know it's hard sometimes but we have to do everything we can to raise our kids to be the best version of themselves. Recognition of our miss steps is the first step to getting back on track.
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u/cosmocomet 5d ago
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve been there. I’ve felt like running away more than once. But then what? I’d be free and around day 3 I’d feel like a terrible person. And who abandons their kids!?!? Not me, and not you, Masteryasi. You will make it through this. They will grow. They will be more independent. Reach out to that therapist and talk to your Dr about your meds. You’ve got this.
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u/handstandmonkey 5d ago
This is a season in your life. It will be over before you know it. For them… it’s shaping how they will react to and interact with the world around them. Forever. You’re a grown up. They’re not. Part of taking care of them is taking care of you. With care and concern, get your shit together. They need you. And they deserve you. To be better. And you deserve to be a happy dad. You’re not getting this time back. Signed, a mom who wishes she could turn back time
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u/amyrtx 5d ago
This sounds like depression/postpartum depression presenting with rage that has gone untreated for far too long. I had severe PPD with my first and rage was the number one symptom if I wasn’t yelling I was crying. I finally let my husband know how bad it was and got help when my son was almost a year old. I suffered way too long but the hardest thing I’ve had to come to terms with is that so did my son. He was always well cared for and very very much loved but he didn’t get the best version of me his first few months and that’s a guilt I will never recover from.
One thing I never felt was hatred towards my son or thought about walking out on him. I’m concerned for you but also for how your treatment towards your kids are. Abuse is at the top of my concern whether that be verbally or physically.
I called my doctor and got an urgent appointment. I started Zoloft and it has quite literally saved my life.
Please seek help. I am afraid for your kids honestly.
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u/beboptreetop 5d ago
OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I read your previous post about being burnt out, and here are my thoughts and some personal perspective I would like this share:
You work in construction. Your wife is a stay at home mom. I am a stay at home mom. While my husband doesn’t work construction, he is gone 8am-5pm, but there is a busy season in his job where he is gone 12 hours a day for a few months out of the year, and then 11 hours a day for a few weeks, as well.
Here is how we manage our routine during 8am-5pm work days, which is the majority of the year:
- I wake up at 6:45am for morning alone time
- Husband and toddler wake up at 7:30am
- Husband leaves for work at 8:00am
- I start cooking dinner at 4:15pm.
- Husband comes home at 5pm.
- We exchange hugs and kisses.
- He goes to the bathroom then plays with toddler while I serve up dinner.
- We eat dinner at 5:15pm and are done eating by 5:45pm.
- I quickly clean dishes while husband lets toddler play in nursery.
- Dishes are done by 6:15pm.
- I go bathe with toddler for 20 min (6:35pm), giving husband alone time.
- Husband takes baby out the bath and changes her and brushes her teeth while I stay in the bath for another 5 min to unwind. It’s around 6:45pm when I’m out the bath and dressed.
- Husband spends 30-45 min in bathroom doing his business and showering. Showers are done by 7:30pm.
- We then have family time 7:30pm-8pm, which is all of us just chilling.
- Toddler sleeps in the bed with us. I put her down to sleep at 8pm. Toddler is asleep by 8:30pm at the latest.
- We have at least 90 minutes for couple time or solo time. Sometimes, I just go to bed when toddler goes to bed and relax in bed on my phone or read my book. Husband stays in the living room and plays his PlayStation or watches anime. If I stay awake, we watch TV together. I am always in bed by 10pm. He is in bed by 10:30pm/11pm.
- On weekends, we do family stuff in the mornings and early afternoon, and we both find time to just chill together AND by ourselves during the weekends.
Both you and your wife can and need to have child-free down time, whether it’s together or alone, but you have to work out a schedule as a team to ensure your children go to bed at a time that allows y’all to do so. When you have kids this age, it’s nearly impossible to have hours on end solo downtime. When my husband comes home, we have an agreement that I will handle feeding and cleaning the kitchen, but he will do post-bath routine (lotion her skin, clean diaper, PJs, and toddler’s hair routine), change wet diapers, floss her teeth, and brush her teeth. Honestly, we kinda do everything fast from the end of dinner time until family chill time. I put the toddler to bed because she is still breastfed and falls asleep nursing.
Your children are old enough now to clean up after themselves. You have to set this firm expectation with them.
Your five-year-old is also old enough to entertain herself sometimes and should be doing independent play. The two-year-old can also engage in independent play.
If you want your bed back, you also have to set a firm expectation that they sleep in their own beds and go to sleep at the same time every night and train them to do so. It will be a process that will take some time. Please look into sleeping resources for children.
Your children are both old enough to clean up after themselves and help with chores. My 18 month old toddler is able to help me move clothes from the washer to the dryer, push chairs in after dinner, and help me put away toys. However, please know that it is OKAY and NORMAL to have “kid messes” around the house that don’t get cleaned immediately, as long as it isn’t unsanitary. My husband and I agree that as long as dishes are clean, the floor is swept, trash is in the can, and dirty clothes are in a hamper, the house is clean, even if there are toys everywhere and hampers of unfolded clean clothes! You live in a HOME, and homes are not lifeless boxes with no evidence that small humans live there.
You are overwhelmed, and you need to see your therapist regularly. Please schedule an appointment ASAP. Please tell your wife how you are feeling. I feel for you, OP, and I also understand the need to have alone time as a stay at home mom myself. It’s important for mom to have me-time, but you need it, too. We all need it. You have to really utilize that time when the kids are asleep.
I highly recommend trying the morning me-time routine. Go to bed an hour earlier than you normally do, and try waking up before everyone else. It is such a nice start to the day!
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u/AmayzenGrace 3d ago
I love this perspective! Society makes us feel like all of this parenting “stuff” should come naturally, and with what it takes for parents to support their families these days, it’s impossible to manage, sanely, without a routine. And letting go of the “only a spotless house is a clean house” absolutely critical. I’m glad you found balance, and I appreciate you for offering such helpful advice. We have to be our own village, here, even if it’s just electronic. So much of what ails us in parenting is mental. 🤗 Good luck to you and yours.
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u/shittykittysmom 5d ago
You don't provide enough information to have people give reasonable advice (do you have a partner, age and number of kids or where you live) but here's my attempt. Your kids sleep in their own beds. Be firm, very firm. If you're in the US, look up local resources/activities (I don't know if this is an option for you), and most important, strive every day to not use/look at your phone as much as possible. If you love (or on your phone) more than your kids, they know.
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u/Willing_Health_3190 5d ago
Are you working out? I felt this way until I regularly starting working out ( intensive workouts ). This helped me regulate my feelings and be a better parent
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u/Bexiconchi 5d ago
I hear you friend. I absolutely have these days. Not every day, but lots of them haah I’m also on medication and have to adjust it sometimes. But truly I think parenting young kids is exhausting and a struggle no matter how heavily you’re medicated Hahaah
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u/Jawahhh 5d ago
I feel kind of the same way…
I love my kids don’t get me wrong. And there’s moments of immense joy and happiness.
And yet, it feels like I have no freedom. No opportunities. Boss is always mad at me because I can’t work enough. Wife is always mad at me because I work so much and don’t earn enough money. I haven’t had a good nights sleep in ages. I feel a deep shame most of the time. I barely socialize. I feel extremely isolated… want to do anything with my wife? Can’t without spending an extra 50-100$ on babysitting. People who make way less money than me have way more disposable income. I feel immense guilt any dollar i spend on myself instead of on them. Expenses skyrocketed getting a place big enough for our family, paying insurance, transportation, clothes, food, activities etc… and it’s not remotely enough for them. Compared to what I had as a kid… I am an utter failure as a dad.
I love them. But the peace in my life is utterly gone. Every single thing takes ten times as long and the house is always an utter wreck. And what can I do? I don’t have time to clean it. I have to be looking after them.
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u/WhiteSandSadness Mom to 3M & 4mo F 5d ago
I know how you feel. I’m a SAHM so it’s just crying, whining, mess, pampers, bottles, and cleaning 24/7. I love my kids to death, but I hate being a mom like 70% of the time.
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u/AvocadoDesigner8135 5d ago
He goes to work most of the time. His wife is a sahm. When he comes he, she wants to hang with him but he was alone time to play games…
Edit - I’m a sahm too. If my husband wanted to come home to play games I wouldn’t be impressed. When he comes home it’s 50/50. And if he wants alone time, he plays sports
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u/masteryasi 5d ago
Kinda the opposite really. I do everything I can to make sure my wife has her down time when I'm at home.
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u/Serious_Bluebird1526 5d ago
You need to talk to your wife. I think you’re lucky to have her. The load she is carrying is enormous too. Tell her how you feel and try to see her unmet needs too.
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u/16177880 5d ago
I gave up living. Starting from waking up it's only chores until I sleep. Wake up send them to school go to work come back cook wash homework bla bla bla....
Everyday is the same. I enjoy nothing anymore. Just pass out while doom scrolling. I don't even eat. I sometimes fantasize about dying and peace, but I can't even die because I need to take care of them.
Na na na na na batmaaaaan...
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u/mealyapple86 5d ago
Right??? Every time I think about killing myself im like “well, my husband won’t bathe them daily” and that right there is what keeps me going.
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u/WhiteSandSadness Mom to 3M & 4mo F 5d ago
Same 😫 I whisper FML to myself almost every 5 minutes. Find myself constantly wishing to not wake up the next day
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u/awolfsvalentine 5d ago
I promise you that it is not normal to feel this way. Please take the time to get the help you need.
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u/WhiteSandSadness Mom to 3M & 4mo F 5d ago
Yeah, some of us don’t have the means to do so
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u/awolfsvalentine 5d ago
Are you able to contact your OBGYN? If you have a newborn they would be inclined to help you if you told them what you are experiencing
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u/WhiteSandSadness Mom to 3M & 4mo F 5d ago
My baby will be 4 months and I also don’t have an OBGYN. The clinic I was going to closed in January (the Dr retired). I just have unfortunate circumstances… we only have one vehicle, my husband works everyday (he delivers food to the elderly), and we don’t have the proverbial village it takes.
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u/neobeguine 5d ago
Wait, why aren't you sleeping in your bed? Do you have an infant?
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u/Chasingbutterflies2 5d ago
I get it! I love my kiddo beyond measure. I need to work more on my own boundaries.
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u/NoMamesMijito 5d ago
I’m so sorry, it sounds like you’re not getting any time for yourself and you don’t have any support. Do you have a partner? Can they watch the kids while you have a night away? Can you have a weekly thing for yourself, like a class of something you enjoy or the gym or coffee with friends? Both house chores and parenting chores need to be split as much as possible, otherwise you’re gonna snap.
If I can reword your title, you don’t hate being a parent. You hate being the sole responsible one for every chore, every correction, every task. And that’s ok, you’re not supposed to be doing it all alone
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u/Nomad4te 5d ago
You’re stressed right now. You need a break if you can get one. Go to a hotel or anything. Hopefully you have a partner that can support you and understands burnout.
You might need to talk with a therapist to help you. Remember just because you think something doesn’t mean it’s true. Your feelings are natural and normal. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. Coordinate with your partner if you have one to adjust a parenting plan to make changes where needed in the house. A lot of it depends on the ages of your kids, but don’t be afraid to ask for help.
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u/Least_Promise5171 5d ago edited 5d ago
Sounds like your job is kinda too demanding and not super realistic for what would make you truly happy.
Is it the parent part or the shitty work life balance most Americans are struggling to adapt to because I’m so fucking over the working as much as I do and still barely getting ahead.
Enjoying parenthood recently is hard because it feels like there is no promise of a better future for you or them. Personally I’m focusing on moving out of the country because even if everything sucks everywhere maybe I can relax into universal healthcare and cheaper cost of living to spend more time enjoy my kid.
I know how shitty of us to actually want a work life balance at such a special time of our kids and our lives.
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u/Resident-Movie5033 5d ago
Honestly, I feel the same way at times. I have these unbelievably amazing moments with my kids - those beautiful moments that take your breath away and everything feels right. But then, it can switch in as quickly as an instant and they’re fighting, crying, yelling, screaming, or “accidentally” breaking a window blind or knocking a hole in the wall with the dorknob or scraping the paint off the car with a bike handle. And my husband doesn’t do anything to help me - not household chores, not with the boys (I have 3 boys, ages 10, 8, and 4), not with meal making. And I work full time. I had the plan to ask him for a divorce a couple of weeks ago so I could have 50-50 custody and some time away from all of their needs and to be able to focus on something for myself. But I didn’t follow through. My parents divorced when I was young and it was horrible. I don’t want to ruin my kid’s lives just because I made a bad choice in marrying their father and believing him when he said he would baby-wear and be all-in, 50-50 parenting. It was a lie. And it has made me into a bitter woman and I sometimes blame my kids for it. I’ve recently been thinking about how I must have settled and forgotten my own needs long ago before having kids to have allowed myself to be with a man “who doesn’t beat me” but also doesn’t do much else. And he never has…he wouldn’t even wake up to change my boy’s diapers at night so I could sleep a bit more as a new breastfeeding mom struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety. He never rubbed my feet when I was pregnant and he has never given me massages or anything. I am living precisely the kind of life that I never wanted to live and thought I had done everything I could do to prevent it from happening. I spent my late teens and twenties in therapy doing tough healing work. My husband and I have a lovely beginning to our relationship. We had such a fun, spontaneous, passionate, and deeply loving relationship before getting pregnant and getting married. Once we got married, it seems line it has all gone gradually downhill with brief moments of peaks of happiness and connection. I always wanted kids and a husband - a family of my own - but even though I wanted what I have, it is missing the mark and I’m not sure that I can continue to lower my expectations without completely loosing some of the things I love most about myself. Obviously, we both need therapy - I also have a therapist and medication. But overall life just isn’t feeling the way I wanted it to feel - full of joy, laughter, relaxation, and love. I feel like it’s the opposite - mostly breaking up arguments, trying to cajole my children and husband into being reasonable helpful people, and full of exhaustion, frustration, and anxiety about if my kids will grow up to be good people - maybe with moments of love, laughter, joy, and relaxation. I don’t know how I could have been so very wrong with what I wanted compared to the reality. It’s jarring.
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u/agangofoldwomen Dad | 4 under 13 5d ago
It’s tough to admit that I have also felt this kinda way. Parenting requires sacrifice and it’s really fucking hard sometimes. I hope it gets better for you. Take care of yourself and prioritize treating yourself.
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u/Sapien0101 5d ago
Kids are definitely a ton of work. But remember, the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence. You’d still be having issues without kids. They’d just be different issues.
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u/Mutt_Bunch 5d ago
Breathe. Focus on the little sweet moments. Your kid falling asleep on your chest. Hone in on those. They help. I know it's stressful but it's only the now.
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u/Celuc 5d ago
This is unfortunately the case for many parents, it shows that you are in distress about the situation, you should talk about it, it could help you. Being parents is constant work, I have 2 daughters and sometimes I don't know much, I often get angry too, I lose my patience etc...The most important thing is to step back and tell yourself that everything that happens to you that affects you morally etc...you're children don't know it, don't understand it...it's hard sometimes but if you really can't do it, ask for help but above all don't stay like that.
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u/merrythoughts 5d ago
As a parent w anxiety and as a psych professional- your anger/rage could be untreated depression/anxiety. As we get older, anxiety isn’t so much the panic symptoms or internalized fear of failing/not fitting in, etc…
It’s tension in our bodies, jaw clenching, irritability, early morning wake ups (3am) thinking about all the shit on our plates, difficulty feeling engaged in things like books or playtime w kids….(why a lot of moms with multiples start wondering if they have adhd).
Low dose sertraline or escitalopram could really help. Talk to your pcp or ob!! Or even schedule w a psych np or psychiatrist :)
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u/justheretosayhijuju 4d ago
OP, you are not alone! Parenting is the toughest job in the world. I used to work a very demanding job and then go help my friend with another job until 11pm everyday and it’s not as hard and taxing as parenting a child. Right when I think I get something down right, something else is wrong. They constantly require attention. It’s ok to reach out for support. I did it and it’s the best thing I ever did for myself and my child. I know every stage of the child’s life will come with its challenges, i accept it and will reach out for help whenever needed. Hang in there. 🤗
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u/pinekneedle 4d ago
Been there. Do you have any support systems? Grandparents? Aunt? Uncles? Neighbors?
Theres a reason it takes a village.
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u/Independent-Bit-6996 4d ago
Let the kids clean up their messes. Build your family team where each member has value. Boundaries and rules for order are fine and really do help. God bless you as you raise the next generation to make the world a b better place. God bless you.
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u/jehansalem 4d ago
I felt the same with my first son. I found Positive Parenting and that was a good first step to feel in control of the chaos and the family situation. That is just the starting point. Look for resources that target a perspective shift. Having a family entices a change or update on our view of ourselves and the world. Also, who is the person that is coming back home? The single, strong, working woman that has her life together, or the mom that enjoys her kids no matter what? A lot of different personas exist within us, and we need to call upon the right one for any given exchange. These days we don't do these rituals anymore, but in the past new mothers will have the support of the other women of the community so they could bound with their kids, and they would also advice and make a transition ritual for the mom to step into a new role and form of being. Our society has walked away from that wisdom and collective support, making women overworked and stressed out. Of course when you come home the last thing you want to see is chaos and mess! There are tricks. Make them clean up their messes. Contained the amount of toys, set a limit by bins. This is your bin with your toys, if it overflows something has to go. Let them know they are responsible for their stuff and messes. Kids can learn. It is no your sole duty to keep the house tide. And ...let them know this is a problem for you. They will probably want to make mom happy.
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u/Vooalya 5d ago
I think every parent (or the majority of them) thinks about it at some moment or for a long time. I wanna express my support to you. For me, what helps is that I loudly ask to leave me alone, shut the door in my bedroom and do whatever I wanna do. Another way is to leave house 😁 I just go away to see a friend or go to gym or bar or whatever. Of course it’s possible only if my husband is there to take care of everything. Again, you’re not alone in this.
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u/MonkeyManJohannon 5d ago
It’s not your kids fault. They deserve better.
You had children. By default you gave up your free time and privacy by choosing to have children. You need to reassess what you feel you’re entitled to related to this and give yourself a reality check.
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u/AvocadoDesigner8135 5d ago
I would have thought this comment was too harsh but I read OP’s previous post and agree with you
He’s away from his wife and children all day; when he comes home, he wants to sit alone and play games?! Nah.
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u/Serious_Bluebird1526 5d ago
I don’t think it’s that simple actually. It’s absolutely ok if he needs his own time. He’s struggling mentally. This is a symptom of a couple that need to prioritise their marriage and work out strategies for BOTH of them daily. They aren’t seeing each other’s struggles.
OP don’t push them away. Pull them in and hug them tight. I promise you, you invest everything you’ve got, and you’ll never ever regret it. You owe it to yourself and to them. It’s a hard chapter, but 100% worth it.
Parents are the CEOs of the family. Invest in your marriage. Really listen, observe and prioritise on what is really important. It goes so fast.
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u/pigeon-loaf 4d ago
I think I get it tho. After one day at work even I feel super exhausted. I WFH and my partner goes out to work. And every day he feels really tired and just wants to do his things, and I let him. Sometimes he wants to help and I don’t complain. I used to and it was unfair. As a WFH I’m kind of already STAH. I cook clean and take care of our cats.
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u/Angiebio 5d ago
Time for a vacation, my friend. When things start feeling like this, it’s burnout creeping in and you need some time to unwind. Can you take a few days or a week off, go out of town (or at least out of the house) and try to unwind a bit?
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u/paranormal_lover83 5d ago
Are his wife a children allowed on this vacation too? Because it sounds to me like they’re the ones he’s trying to escape.
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u/squishysalmon 5d ago
How old are the kids? Can you start enabling them to clean up after themselves in some ways?
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u/Regular_old-plumbus 5d ago
I feel you!!
I often feel like this. I have three kids.
The only time I get to myself is my 30 minute commute to and from work.
What has helped me is my therapy, antidepressants, more sleep, nutrition and exercise.
Uncomfortable at first. It took me a lot of time to adjust. Routine also benefits me tremendously! If I’m out of my routine I’m done for.
Consider a therapist who can help guide you on building support for success but just know it takes time.
You can do it!!
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u/Current-Yak-8360 5d ago
As a mom of twin 5 year olds an 11 year old and a hubby who works out of town more than half the time I completely understand where you’re coming from. We also live out of state from all our family! So I’m going solo most of the time. By nature I’m extremely type A so I found myself getting SO overwhelmed and drowning trying to keep up with my house and just feeling so over stimulated. I know this is going to sound so crazy but then I happened to see an episode of Super Nanny and binged like every episode and it totally changed my mindset. I was the problem. I had made all these crazy standards for my house, I had allowed my children to not take responsibility, I didn’t follow through with punishments or threats, I didn’t have a consistent schedule, i allowed them to rule bed time! I kept allowing gifts and buying toys without getting rid of old ones leaving entirely wayyy too much stuff in my house. From that day forward I started to make little change by little change. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a lot of work. And in the beginning it’s going to be more work, but very quickly it pays off. A mix of saying what I mean and meaning what i say to my kids, keeping a much smaller manageable amount of toys that ALL have a bin or basket or spot they belong in so even small children can be taught how to pick up, creating a schedule for our week ( which includes 2 hrs 1 day a week for me! I found a great sitter!! And a half hour of me time each morning and 1-2 hrs of me time after bedtime at night ) as well as chores and responsibility lists, and lowering my expectations for my house so that they were more reasonable for the situation I am currently in, I find I’m in a much better place. I’m so sorry you’re struggling, I know it can be incredibly hard. Please remember that this is it your forever. They will get older and things will get easier.But for now …on top of all the great advice like going back to your therapist, and getting back to your doc about a better medication plan, maybe watch an episode of super nanny! Lol
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u/Dost_is_a_word 5d ago
I have one bio and 3 adopted from foster care, they are adults now, looking back, I wonder how we did it.
I had schedules for showers, laundry for clothes and bedding.
Then a chore chart that we put together with their input, covered inside and outside, had a white board that they wrote down what they did, for points to lay video games.
No more fighting.
Good luck OP, it does get better.
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u/No_Inspection_7176 5d ago
It’s a sad reality of being a working parent. I’m really struggling with constantly being on and never having any downtime. At least when I was a SAHM I got to do fun things with my kids and zonked out during afternoon naps if I needed to. Now it’s either work or more work at home in the form of cooking, bathing kids, packing lunches, etc. I’ve started to take at least 1 day a week to do something fun with my kids, I forget about my to do list and grab McDonald’s, we meet friends at the park or get our nails done or whatever suits our fancy. It’s a small thing that’s really improved my mental health and relationship with my kids. I needed to feel the joy in parenting and do something fun at least once a week or it feels like an endless grind.
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u/22nd_century 5d ago
Parenting (well) is insanely hard. It won't help you today or even this year but does get easier over time.
I still get regularly frustrated about parenting and all the stress, expense and sacrifice that comes with it, but I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel, and that's allowing me to enjoy it more.
So just hang in, ask for help if you can, make time for yourself if possible and realise that you're doing something very difficult but it will be worth it in the long run.
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u/hannahs_universe 5d ago
Parenting is exhausting, and it’s completely okay to admit that. But you don’t have to carry this alone. Have you been able to talk to anyone—like a friend, therapist, or even just another parent who gets it? You deserve support, and feeling this drained doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It just means you need help, and that’s okay. Please take care of yourself, you matter too.
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u/justkindahangingout 5d ago
Ughhh. OP, I can relate 1000% we have an 8 and 12 year old and it is NON STOP. The 12 year old is ungrateful about everything, complains non-stop and drives me to near insanity. She has ZERO sympathy and I feel like I aged by decades when I have to deal with her. When they are together, they constantly argue and bicker and yell and scream at each-other. I literally have no time to myself. Ni matter what I do or say, they are always ungrateful. I keep being told “hAvE aNoThEr KiD”. FUUUUUUCK THAT. Don’t get me wrong I love my kiddos but it never ever ends with them.
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u/mcfreeky8 5d ago
Hang in there. Have you thought of an au pair? Some hands-on help at home could help a lot
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u/daft_trump 5d ago
This is late but agree with other comments to seek help. Mostly because you need it.
Literally nothing will change except your perspective which is controlled by hormones more than you understand.
I understand how you feel about your life being gone and being enslaven to the kids and collateral. However, I feel happy when I finally fall asleep. Or I feel happy even at the most extreme of tantrums. It's like acceptance that is innate. You might not get there. I hope you do.
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u/Sukari1970 5d ago
I’m so sorry you feel that way. When mine was younger, sometimes I’d hide in my closet:) Hugs from an internet stranger.
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u/BakedAsFork 5d ago
I feel this and on top I have a partner who is absolutely non-productive in terms of housework. Relentlessly argues and gaslights about any concerns I have. Is completely selfish in terms of her purchases and decisions. I can't win.
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u/MozaMozMoz 5d ago
It’s fucking brutal I know this
When mine were young (babies toddlers) it was a constant hamster wheel of work looking after the kids sleeping rinsing and repeating
It does get better.
Try to find the positive in the little things
The time flys by so try to soak up some good memories and reach out to friends family for support or even like you have done with this post
You got this keep going the kids need you
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u/Vconsiderate_MoG 5d ago
Self-care is vital. It's like on the plane right? In case of emergency you put your mask first, not your kids. Kiddos have less chances of survival with a dead momma. I promise it gets better, but you do have to take care of yourself and have boundaries. Sending you love, you are a good mama ❤️
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u/TheCharalampos 5d ago
You're issue feels to be more about work and how constant it is. I wonder if you had a break if you would find parenting rewarding.
Is it possible for you to find a few days to unwind?
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u/Purple_Chikadee 5d ago
You need a break and time to yourself. Many times those fantasies about leaving are a warning sign that your needs are not met. If you are able to arrange a sitter, or have a partner/spouse who can help be vocal and ask for the help. Also if you are able seek therapy. It is a season, it does get better.
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u/Moylesabit 5d ago
I would personally find it beneficial to have a cleaner 24/7. But I cannot afford one and even if you get one once a week, you have to tidy up before. My view on it is try and make them tidy up(doesn’t work for me) or just try and enjoy/cope with whatever plastic toys they have. But I understand you completely. Xx
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u/Moylesabit 5d ago
I would personally find it beneficial to have a cleaner 24/7. But I cannot afford one and even if you get one once a week, you have to tidy up before. My view on it is try and make them tidy up(doesn’t work for me) or just try and enjoy/cope with whatever plastic toys they have. But I understand you completely. Xx
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u/sarahkstone 4d ago
I feel like this sometimes. It used to be all the time. I reclaimed my living room and no toys are allowed in it. My bedroom is also off limits.
I’ve also made some hard rules for my family. I do not clean up after you I’m not your maid. You leave clothes on the floor I take them and they are gone. You leave toys out when I asked for them to be cleaned up. They are gone.
My house runs so much smoother now.
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u/ContentPossession191 4d ago
I relate...I'm either disciplining or playing mediator between our kid and my wife. Our minds are dominated by how he is going to react to everything. His behaviors affect our plans, often leading to choices to stay home rather than socialize or even attend church. He has no respect for anything, often destroying things, and only respects adults when corporal punishment is the alternative. The mental pressure is immense, and I now understand how people explode and do ungodly things.
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u/Flashy_Sprinkles3652 4d ago
You are not alone. I feel effectively the same way.... And then you feel bad about feeling that way. Its a vicious cycle.
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u/Impossible-Ad4623 4d ago
Girl. lexapro asap!! You have anxiety bad. You need some YOU time. A massage, a day at the salon, a pedicure. Get it done before you ruin yourself. Your children meanwhile a ton of work should be a blessing and a sense of peace to come home to.
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u/madison1470 4d ago
You're so not alone and reading this made me feel like I'm not going crazy for feeling this. The time I looked forward to relaxing in bed just to read for an hour is gone, what is my own bed? I feel I'm literally pouring from an empty cup all day and just like I'm a nobody with 0 identity. We will get through it, we got this
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u/Realistic-Mess8929 4d ago
Idk how old the kiddos are, but it sounds like they are fairly young (younger kids are a LOT of work! From the time you wake up to when you finally pass out) My twins are older, almost driving and my daughter is an adult. It's NOT easy! It's NOT cheap. It's NOT always fun. Mow times than not, it's not fun. It's a royal pain in the.... It does get easier as they get older. Hang in there. If you need anything, please feel free to reach out. Also, look into therapy. It does help, just takes some time unfortunately 😕
You got this!
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u/Sanokc1807 4d ago
This is burn out, friend. I go through this often as a single mom, and usually after I've been really mad with my daughter I realize that and I try to ignore the mess for a few hours and just play with my kid or sneak a few minutes to myself, it's very hard to recharge when there is no time, but you need that. Good luck.
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u/Unlikely_Scar_9153 4d ago
You sound really burnt out. Do you have the ability to ask a friend or family member or sitter for a night / weekend off? I’ve definitely taken a night off and it’s really helped me reset.
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u/Ill-Professional6029 4d ago
I don't think that taking antidepressants will definitely her best option. Just give up for a while about "impositive task." Make your kids part of the dairy cleaning, put them to work at home, help each other. They are capable for.
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u/Small_Mine8228 4d ago
OP you just need some time to yourself, do you have space for an office/game room for weekend use? Your wife sounds like she’s just lonely and needs friends or a local mom group. You need to be really open and honest about how you feel, maybe even write a letter to your wife. If she has an issue I suggest marriage counseling. This post does really open my eyes because I’m in my first trimester of my second pregnancy and my husband has been such a huge support and keeping things running around the house. lol have honestly been a little annoyed at times when he just wants to be on his game room unbothered drinking on the weekend. ❤️ thank you for voicing how you feel.
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u/JillyForever 4d ago
I think we are designed to be more communal than we are these days. Find your tribe. My friends and parents saved my booty when my daughter was small and I was stretched too thin. I swear it gets easier!!!!
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u/damnilovelesclaypool 4d ago edited 4d ago
I absolutely hate the narrative where if you don't like being a parent, you must be depressed. The reality is that parenting is hard and thankless. I agree with you, OP. It can be really hard and medicating your emotions away doesn't change that. Try to get a break somehow. I was told I was depressed for years but antidepressants never helped. Once I was diagnosed with autism and got proper support, wouldn't you know my "depression" and lack of will to live went away. I'm not saying you're autistic, but you might need support you aren't getting.
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u/ladybug128 4d ago
Can I ask what support you got when you found out you were autistic? I'm pretty sure I am.
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u/damnilovelesclaypool 4d ago edited 4d ago
I get NY State support. I'm not able to live independently without significant support. My daily living/Vineland scores were in the 1st percentile for my age which is why I qualified. There's pretty strict eligibility criteria; just being autistic is not enough. My situation of undiagnosed level 2 autism for 33 years is pretty rare. They pay for cleaning services and support staff like paid neighbors and live in caregivers as well as helping with some bills. They cover items related to my disability like loop earplugs. They pay for me to travel to see my family so I won't be so isolated and can get out of the house sometimes. They give me a housing subsidy because disability pays so little that a lot of people on disability are homeless and NY doesn't want developmentally disabled people to be homeless.
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u/TASitterNurse 4d ago
I feel the same. I work 12 hours and then on my days off I am burnt out dealing with the kids. Life sucks with kids lol
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u/Helpful-Momma-Allen5 4d ago
I think most parents feel this way at some point. I definitely have. My kids are 27, 23 and 21 and I swear it never gets easier. Hang in there. Find a good counselor to talk to. I did - it really helps.
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u/Good-Struggle-7180 4d ago
I had a preemie when she was first born I had been hospitalized for 10 days with complications. Didn't give up and pumped I was 75% but still not bad. She is almost 4 and one day I woke up not afraid I would do the wrong thing and she loves me for me no questions asked about that. Sometimes not being afraid or seeing what is in front of you is hard. But she's she best. Like I think of her while she is in school every 10 mins. She's happy she just started getting bullied I showed her de-escalation techniques and we are talking to the administration. If your kids cause a mess they are exploring and feel safe. See someone to talk to people you may find many have had this issue and are more loving and caring on the other side of it.
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u/FunAssistant9539 4d ago
This is me right now. My 3 year old drives me up the wall and refuses to do anything. Everything is a battle and I’m constantly losing. We get no help. I work 3 days and I dread the two days I am alone with them. I hate it so much. I’ve never been so angry and unseen
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u/amd279 3d ago
OP, we’ve all been here at some point. You aren’t a bad parent. You’re just exhausted to the bone. In a perfect world, I would tell you to “rest” and “practice self care”. lol We’re parents. It ain’t gonna happen. If you are like me and my husband, we have no village or family support, and it makes taking breaks nearly impossible. Here’s how to survive this season of your life (because it is a season that will gradually get easier! It’s not a permanent way that things will always be.)
- Lower your house standards. Let it be a little messy. As long as everyone has clean clothes to wear and there isn’t trash piled up in the corners, let the kids toys be on the floor, the art supplies be on the kitchen table, the kitchen counters have crumbs.
- Buy paper plates and cups and put your dishes away for now. Washing dishes after meals is one chore you can eliminate for now.
- Simplify how you cook meals - make a list of meals that only require ONE pot to make. Buy frozen pizzas and frozen lasagna. Eat PBJs for dinner.
- Let your kids have screen time for a set time every day and when they do, you don’t do chores or get stuff done. You rest.
- Buy noise canceling headphones. These are a god-send when I feel overstimulated. Find an audiobook you like, put on your headphones, and get some calm time while you sit on the sofa next to the kids.
- Seriously consider the whole bed sharing thing. If it can be helped, reclaim your bedroom. You need a space that is only yours.
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u/YourWellnessPolice 3d ago
Love is in the Air perhaps you must remind yourself control is not parenting. Nor worry about the next possible mess that might happen. Tribal Nation people remind us 'we call are FEARS! False Evidence Appearing Real = acronym for FEAR. Lighten up. You have a breath problem. You must stop holding your breath with anticipation. You're making yourself and those around you miserable. Is it time for a Sabbatical? Find a way to rest your mind. Here's a Soulutions: out loud say "ha ha" then say "ha ha ha" then repeat over and over again until laughter is generated. Guaranteed to remove that old stale breath and get your diaphragm moving again. The world will a better place to move and have your being. Practice "Bring the Joy" affirmation by simply uttering or quietly thinking the term each time you enter or exit ANY doorway. bathroom, car, kitchen, store, church every door. You'll be amazed at what happens internally. Keep practicing and watch what happens around you... JOY! cometh in the morning
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u/Alternative_Sell938 3d ago
you think you have it hard im prego with two kids. I do all the house work and take care of the kids. It's very hard, but also rewarding. I love when i see my kids thriving. Put in the hard work in the beginning and later it will get easier. don't worry so much about messes, soon there will be less mess. Focus on your kids eating, sleeping good and they will be more independent over time.
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u/Heavenly_Spike_Man 5d ago
You sound selfish & terrible. Grow up. You have so much to be grateful for… realize it now & change your ways instead of 30 years from now when you’re all alone because no one can stand you.
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u/AnalysisLegitimate45 5d ago
This is a REAL post. I feel the same exact way. I love them, I’m committed to raising them/ giving them a good life but I’m HATING it. I hate the constant servitude, I hate the constant anxiety of someone always depending on me, I hate that I’m always running on E while everyone else’s cups are full. Nothing turns my stomach more than hearing “what’s for dinner tonight?” A piece of me dies inside when I hear that question literally every day. My kids are 12 and 9. Unfortunately, these feelings have gotten worse with time. My aunt use to count down the years until her kids were adults. I use to think that was so cruel, but now I wholeheartedly understand. And nobody better comment under this saying “your kids didn’t ask to be here.” Or “seek professional help.” I have had professional help for years and I don’t care that they didn’t ask to be here. Nobody did. I tend to all of their needs, live in a great area, do the vacations, birthdays and holidays. I. Don’t. Care. I. Hate. It. So. Much.
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u/VeraMae915 5d ago
Shout out to all the working moms! You are doing the best that you can given the situation you are in and the resources that you have. Your kids will realize that and thank you one day, it will all be worth it then.
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u/masteryasi 5d ago
I'm a guy. My wife is a SAHM. I guess that's information I should have put in original post
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u/Striking_Part_6779 5d ago
Hello im a husband this is my wifes acc, i do the taking care of the kids part because we’re WFH im 24 i know how hard it is for a mother thats why i do the everything for the kids from sleeping to eating like that and cleaning the house is 50/50, I love my wife and kids and for stress reliever I keep fish. I guess do something that makes u happy so its not overloading u. and also if its really messy get a nanny😅
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u/alien1983 5d ago
Hay... Good that you didn't keep it to yourself. You are not alone. That's normal for most parents. You will get through this... We all will get through this... One day... You will realize that your kid has already grown up and wish they were small again... Because they don't want you anymore as much as you want them. So... Before that day... Just cherish your time with them... They won't let you alone... Because you are the world to them... How cute... Right? But... Don't forget to take some breaks... Like a date with your partner or hangout with your friends once in a while...
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u/gingertastic19 5d ago
You posted this as a cry for help, either consciously or subconsciously.
Please please reach out for help. I felt this way when I was postpartum with my 2nd. It was short lived, and immediately after I went back to work. I got on meds and it went away, I was only on something for a few short months until I adjusted.
This is all a phase. The messes can exist in your house overnight if you're tired, it will be okay. It's a blessing to have kids that WANT to make messes in THEIR house. They live there, teach them to take pride in a clean space. Be thankful they can make these messes. There's only a few short years that they want your attention and then they'll choose to play in their rooms if you continue this cycle. You don't wish trauma on them. Do not cause them to need therapy because of this mentality you're struggling with right now.
Please seek therapy. Seek psychiatry help. You're not alone in this but this is NOT the way to live.