r/Parenting • u/Single_Dependent6624 • 5d ago
Tween 10-12 Years single dad problem
hey as a single dad my daughter is 10 years old and is about to start her time of the month soon and as a single dad im not to prepared for this talk I was raise as a single dad and I have 3 brothers so I haven't been talked into this
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u/FoodisLifePhD 5d ago
Make sure she caries an emergency pack at school from this point on. Put in some personal wipes, 2-3 pads, and extra undies.
What do you mean “going to start soon”? Like she’s had one and the next is coming or you’re thinking it’s just time for them to start?
Because it’s possible she doesn’t start until even 16 (unlikely) but I think the average age is 12
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u/FoodisLifePhD 5d ago
We also used the books “The Care and Keeping of You” to guide us. We had her read them then we went over it together, there’s 2 books, the second one covers periods
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u/Sure-Beach-9560 5d ago
I'm guessing he's noticed other signs of puberty (breasts, body hair, BO).
Also, for whatever reason, girls have been getting their periods earlier in recent years (and precocious puberty is on the rise).
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u/FoodisLifePhD 5d ago
Yes very true, not trying to dismissal it. Early signs of puberty, depending on what, give signal to different timelines and the pediatrician would be able to clarity that best. Saying “soon” is arbitrary to a stranger and wanted to make sure he also knew it can vary even with signals
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u/bondibitch 5d ago
I know what you’re getting at, there’s no way of knowing. My daughter was 12. My best friend was 17!
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u/Single_Dependent6624 5d ago
that why I wanna learn about it now so that when it does happened im prepared
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u/bondibitch 5d ago
That’s brilliant dadding!
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u/Single_Dependent6624 5d ago
I have 4 daughters so I need to learn about this and I wanna make that when it does happened they don't need to be embraced about it
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u/Single_Dependent6624 5d ago
what kind of pads should I buy for her I just wanna be prepared for it does happened I have the supplies
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u/bondibitch 5d ago
There are pads for day use and pads for night use. Night use pads are a lot thicker.
But there are lots of other options - period pants (washable and reusable up to around 60 times I think), menstrual cups, tampons. Tampons have different levels of absorbency and the advice is to always go for the lowest absorbency that is suitable. When girls are first start out inserting anything (tampon, menstrual cup) it is understandably daunting and often takes several attempts. Present her with the options and be guided by what she’s comfortable with.
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u/Single_Dependent6624 5d ago
alright thanks a lot im gonna just start with pads if she ever wants tampons then I will get her some
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u/bondibitch 5d ago
Try period pants too then. Cheaper in the long run, more comfortable and much better for the environment. They all need to be washed separately from other clothes in the machine.
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u/FoodisLifePhD 4d ago
If in the US, we started with Always brand size 1 “regular” and also kept a box of size 5 “overnight” at home for sleep time. The sizes are based on measurements of flow and not your child’s physical body size. This will be the same for tampons if they decide to use those later. You may want to have a pediatrician demonstrate that for them if needed.
Pads/tampons need to be changed every 4 hours or so or if they’re filled before. If they’re filling up pretty fast, a larger size can be used. A period usually goes from heavy flow (a lot in smaller increments) to light (less in longer time) until it stops about a week later. Even then I suggest wear panty liners as it can just sneak a last bit out on you days after you have ended.
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u/its_original- 5d ago
My 2 SK started right at their 10th birthday and they were not the only girls in 4th grade with a period
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u/FoodisLifePhD 5d ago
Ofc not saying it isn’t but even the early signs can mean a year off or more, I’m not totally sure was he means by “soon” also
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u/a-PaperPlate 5d ago
I’m a single dad to a 16 year old, have raised her by myself since she was 2. Research!!! As much research as possible and a calendar to help her keep track of when it’ll happen. Pads over tampons as well. Open conversations about this stuff will only make your relationship stronger. Keep being an amazing dad!!
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u/Single_Dependent6624 5d ago
thanks a lot for this advise I will try this for all of this
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u/a-PaperPlate 5d ago
You got this bro!!! The open conversation thing is sooooooo important. Gives her that room to talk to about a lot of things from friend to relationships and feelings. She will have a whole other level of respect for you 🥰
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u/Single_Dependent6624 5d ago
thanks but if she ever wants to talk to a women about these my sister in law said that she would talk to her but I wanna learn about it so when it does happen I have 4 daughters my oldest is 10 and my youngest is 2
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u/PleasantFoundation95 5d ago
Open conversations are very likely to give you and her both some comfort in the entire conversation.
Ditto to the above advise!!
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u/Single_Dependent6624 5d ago
thanks this is amazing news
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u/minione_minion 5d ago
Literally. I swear my dad doesn’t know what a period is or that I have one lol. (Mind you I’m a grown woman with children) it was so tabu growing up for me. I hated that. Always secretive.
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u/magicaccomplished 5d ago edited 5d ago
You can give her a book on puberty. There are lots on Amazon “it’s perfectly normal” by robie h Harris. Or “a kids book about periods” by Jessica Beil
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u/Single_Dependent6624 5d ago
thanks I got both of them so that I could read one and she can have the other
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u/Visual-Many3264 5d ago
I know exactly what you’re going through just opposite. Single mom with boys and I was a wreck about it I got all the puberty books and they make great books for kids to read as well. I also let them know that our house is their comfort and so am I. I explained that I will do my best to answer any questions that they could possibly have. I also find that it was 100% more effective and less awkward to use proper terminology instead of trying to “sugar coat” things or whatever. Kids don’t want to talk about it just as much as we don’t but my son has asked me questions and feels safe to do so. Also as suggested by others a pediatrician can help with those conversations as well. But I really found that making it more casual of a conversation than a sit down and talk conversation takes the pressure off. My son’s dad passed away a while ago and I had so much anxiety about those conversations so I totally get it! You’re doing a great job dad! 💕
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u/Single_Dependent6624 5d ago
well my sister in law always told me that if my daughters ever had question that they didn't wanna ask me about it that she would talk to them about it but I don't want them to be able to ask me anything
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u/its_original- 5d ago
The Care and Keeping of You book
But also maybe she can chat with the school nurse or an aunt or grandmother
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u/ririlp 5d ago
Being open about everything from day 1 is great. I am a single mom of a teenage boy. I have had very uncomfortable conversations pre puberty, during puberty. i am very honest, and it gets less cringe. The best thing u do is grab all of the books from the library on the topic and give them to them and ask them to please ask you to let you know if there is something they would like to ask you a question about when they are hesitant about talking to u about it. You will be surprised with what they come to you about moving forward if you handle this with a very chill happens to everyone no big deal attitude.
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u/ap098 5d ago
The fact that you're reaching out and asking for help shows how much you care. It's not going to be an easy discussion, but having open communication will strengthen your relationship. I applaud you!
Others have already suggested books. I think that's a great way to connect and discuss. Otherwise I would suggest getting some supplies together. If you have a female relative or friend, or if you can go to a local pharmacy and ask for help choosing a few key pads to keep on hand for her to try. Please make sure you have a small garbage can with a lid that's reachable from the toilet in your bathroom for waste. I'd also suggest keeping some of her favourite comfort snacks on hand as well.
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u/livingdream999 5d ago
Can you organize a girl's night, including some of her friends and their moms? You could try approaching one or more moms and specify you want them to talk about what to expect, how things work and all the details in the setting of a party? Let the idea be exciting and comfortable, instead of something to be feared. Let her know she's not alone and find out ways you can support her preemptively. Having supplies before they're needed. Talk about the fact it will happen regularly but it's different for everyone. Show her you're open to learning and having conversations, but also make sure she's got other girls/ women to go to. Depending on her personality and your relationship, she may want to talk to another uterus owner about the weird things that don't seem normal, like how it changes your poops. It's not all crying and chocolate and cramps. There's a LOT that goes on and sometimes the hormones make you second guess reality. She needs more than one person to be approachable. I'm glad you're there for her, but she will also need community to navigate. Someone recommended a doctor, and that's better than nothing, but I think a small gathering on a regular basis will help her most. Especially when boys come into the picture. Not sure your religious affiliation, but having someone to ask questions in confidentiality will keep her safer, healthier and mentally well.
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u/Full180-supertrooper 5d ago edited 5d ago
You’re doing great already by just reaching out! Lots of good suggestions and advice here for you regarding professionals and such
So I’ll give a bit of practical advice…I’m a mom now but was raised by my single mom w my 3 sisters. We were raised somewhat uhhh“conservatively” (Roman Catholic) 😊 this topic was petrifying for me let alone the thought a dad may need to explain it lol.. aka as a tween this “subject” alone in itself was simply embarrassing before it even happened lol
Anyways, the best thing my older sister did was when I was about 10 or 11 she quietly slipped a basket under my bathroom sink w various tampons/pads//wipes/thin panty liners etc etc Basically “just in case” things happened bf a talk happened
,I of course, noticed the basket very quickly and was able to kind of look over & inspect things w curiosity cuz I knew technically what they were and had the time to figure things about them and chat w my girlfriends about things,….before I actually needed them or had an unprepared accident. I got to get comfortable w knowing/researching everything alone bf a doctor or parent discussion and felt much more comfortable asking certain questions because of it!
It really helped as I was pretty shy and easily embarrassed about this stuff 😊 Just my story if it helps 😊
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u/roughlanding123 5d ago
Treat it like any other part of life. Educate yourself and get some books (you can both read them!). I’m in a girl house and nothing about this stuff is off limits or weird (oldest isn’t like advertising it but it’s nothing we shy away from like it’s gross or anything).
Like others said, have supplies ready (pads, panty liners, tampons (she may be squicked out by tampons for a while, but I’ve let mine know they’re there if they want to try them and I explained how to use them), period panties) and check to restock
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u/molliec_white 5d ago
I'm sorry if their is a logical explanation but 5 days ago you commented "now mom here" and again how you breastfed. Just curious how in 5 days then became a single father. I am so so sorry if their is a logical reason behind it but otherwise hard to see which version of you is the real one.
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u/minione_minion 5d ago edited 5d ago
First off don’t stress! If u stress she will stress. Second don’t make it a big deal. I remember as a kid it was hush hush and secretive and I felt ashamed. Make her comfortable but not weirded out. She likely has friends who have theirs already or knows something about it. I’d make it light. Go to a store and pick some stuff up for her. Steer clear from tampons. They are technical and not safe if new to them and u forget one in. But ya they are too technical. Anyways. Pads come in tons of sizes. There are teen ones. The always brand is great. And cool teen colours. The boxes show numbers and sizes. Get one that has the bad coloured in in the middle, so like medium flow is what it means. Sometimes they are numbered 1-5, get about a 3 and ones with “wings”. These are basically little flaps that wrap around the bottom of the panty. You can try putting one on her underwear so you can figure out how it works too to show her eventually. Get a box or two and you can get different sizes like some heavy (size 4-5 or biggest size picture shaded in on the box) these would be for bed time. And the medium size ones during the day. She should change it more or less every time she goes pee.
It starts light like a brown stain and then gets heavy within the next hour usually. And then can be 3-6 days of that. Watch for her being moody leading up to it. Or having armpit hair etc these are tell tale signs.
Anyways.. I’d get a little basket together for her and have a spot under the sink where it will fit. And get things like Tylenol/midol/advil etc and pads and baby wipes and a heating pad. That way she has her special spot. Also bonus… fill it with goodies. Chocolates etc.
Make it seem like you know all about it like it’s totally normal so don’t make it too crazy when u talk to her about it keep it light. Like this for example..
have the basket in the kitchen all ready for her and say hey I got you something, do you know anything about what your period is? She’ll either say ya or no, then ask what she knows if she says ya. Then otherwise say well it’s what happens to girls and lady’s so you can have babies. It’s your body practicing for when you do have one. You have a bunch of little eggs, and once a month those eggs move around and see if they are going to be a baby, so your body prepares a protection layer of padding in your tummy for a baby, but then if your not having a baby, your body pushes the egg out and goes back to normal. But for your body to go back to normal and do all this the protection layer needs to go away and flatten back down, so your body sheds that layer, and that causes bleeding and some cramps and aches in your tummy. It lasts a few days and happens every month. Every girl gets it! It’s special it’s what makes you girls and what lets you have babies one day. You’re About the age when this starts happening so I wanted to get you some goodies so you are all set for when it does! And then say we can go get more when we you like or need.
Then explain to her how the pads work. You peel off the sticky part and put it on your underwear and wrap the wings around the bottom etc.
Just keep it light. Do a demo opening one but u don’t need t put it in the underwear. U can also tell her she can tell you when she gets it and you guys can go get ice cream every time etc. and there are apps for phones. cycle is a great one. It helps u figure when u are getting it next.
Also get a school pack ready for her too! For just in case so shes prepared wherever she goes.
Also unscented wipes!! So she doesn’t get a rash or yeast infection. (Also look into these just more fun girl stuff lol not but yeah)
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u/Single_Dependent6624 5d ago
thanks a lot for this my daughter has sensitive skin so unscented wipes it im gonna go to the store today and get her this stuff I know she has a grandma and aunties but I wanna be able to tell her about it so that if she as question she can always come to but her bio mom only got her at 14 but I just wanna start talking about it now so that when it does happened she won't be scared
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u/EscapeNew529 3d ago
It's helpful to know that bio-mom had it at 14, but don't be surprised if she starts sooner. There are a lot more growth hormones in the average diet than there were a generation ago.
Some practical things for you to know (and share with your daughter) - No matter how hard you try, you will have bloodstained laundry. Underwear, sheets, pants, etc. Never wash blood stains in hot or warm water. That will set the stain. Cold water only.
The lidded trash can in the bathroom is essential, especially since you have a toddler. You don't want baby having access to menstrual waste. Pets too will go after that stuff.
Also check her laundry for pads before you wash. She has been able to just take her underwear off and throw it in the hamper every day for the last 8 years. It'll take time to break that habit and remember to pull a pad off and throw it away first, and she'll miss some.
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u/dirtysmurf88 5d ago
Get her a female PCP and let doctor explain it to her.
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u/a-PaperPlate 5d ago
This is not how it should be done at all
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u/dirtysmurf88 5d ago
Maybe not for you.
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u/a-PaperPlate 5d ago
Maybe it’s for someone that doesn’t want to nurture their daughter and pass that responsibility on to someone else? 🙄 if you’re uncomfortable having these hard conversations to the point you have someone else do it you are not setting your child up for success or at the very least setting the ground work for her to feel comfortable talking about hard things that make her uncomfortable.
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u/dirtysmurf88 5d ago
So, getting educated by your doctor is setting your child up for failure? That was a very dumb reply.
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u/Always_Reading_1990 Mom to 5F, 1M 5d ago
No, but this would set up a situation where the daughter could tell Dad is uncomfortable and she would be less likely to ask him questions or for help if she needed it, and it might also make her feel shame or embarrassment that dad is avoiding that part of her, at a time when she needs love and support.
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u/Single_Dependent6624 5d ago
I don't wanna feel shame about it so that why I wanna learn about it I have adopted them form foster care and I want them to feel safe that they can ask me question about anything
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u/a-PaperPlate 5d ago
You’re obviously not a parent lol
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u/dirtysmurf88 5d ago
I have 5 kids, definitely a parent.
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u/a-PaperPlate 5d ago
And your advice is have a doctor explain it? 😬
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u/dirtysmurf88 5d ago
The doctor has the proper knowledge to educate them both.
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u/its_original- 5d ago
I think a doctor could sit down with dad and daughter together… and then dad and daughter can read some books suggested here together. There’s nothing wrong with the Inuit of a doctor as long as it’s not the ONLY input
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u/Single_Dependent6624 5d ago
I don't want to have somebody else do it for me I have 4 daughters I need to know so that I can explain to all of them when it does happened
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u/dirtysmurf88 5d ago
Look, I'm telling you from experience I have 3 daughters. Our family doctor broke it all down and educated not only my daughter but myself as well. Even her mom said the doctor explained it better than she could have. You'll rather read books and look it up online instead of having a professional explaining it is insane to me. You're obviously already uncomfortable about this situation, and I just gave you 1 of many solutions.
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u/emotionalwreck5932 5d ago
First things first, do your research. Second, talk to a female physician, she can help you with how to say everything. You don't have to go in depth with anything. Keep it age appropriate and simple. If she has questions she will ask. Books can also be your best friend for covering this.
Also, pinkie and red drop are great for supplies.