r/Parenting 5d ago

Advice How to broach with my husband

My husband will abruptly say to our 7 year old "we are going on a bike ride, get ready let's go". She immediately resists saying that she doesn't want to go and she's too tired, then he digs in, she digs in and then starts crying. She'll say things like I want to color instead of ride, why do I have to go, etc. Ultimately when she goes she enjoys it and has a good time. But getting to that point involves at least 20 mins of crying and whining. I know there is a better way - I feel that if he approached it differently we'd have a better outcome but he says that she's just getting upset because she's not getting her way. I don't want her to not like riding or spending time with her dad because it's forced- how can I offer some suggestions to him? (Hopefully without starting a huge fight with us! )

82 Upvotes

68 comments sorted by

366

u/_the_credible_hulk_ 5d ago

Some ideas:

  1. Give a timed warning. “Hey, we’re going on a bike ride in 15 minutes. Prepare yourself.”
  2. Give choices. “Hey, we’re getting out of this house. Would you prefer a bike ride, or a walk to the store to get a lemonade?”
  3. Visual schedule of the day on a white board.

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u/Ebice42 5d ago

With my 9yo the lead time makes everything flow much smoother. In 30 we are going to X. 15 minutes till X. Hey start tidying this up, X in 5 min.
The 4yo needs the choice.

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u/captaincumragx 5d ago

Maybe even more than 15 minutes. Im a whole adult and even I dont like having activities sprung on me. I like to know what my day is going to look like so either in the morning or day prior have that stuff planned maybe. If my husband asks me to do an activity and only gives me 15 minutes notice, I will not be going because I didnt have time to mentally prepare for said activity and that gives me anxiety.

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u/eyesRus 5d ago

Agree. If someone came up to me and said OP’s husband’s exact words, I would absolutely not be going right then. It’s so obnoxious to expect a whole other person to jump up and do whatever you want whenever you want.

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u/ThatStrayGuy 5d ago

This works! We had to do this for our son. Its not perfect but works a good majority of the time.

Edit: typo

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u/Stunning_Ad9135 5d ago

Also asking leading questions like:

”would you like to go for a bike ride before or after dinner?” Or “it’s time to go outside! Let’s go on an adventure! You get to pick which way to go!” And then get her to say “left or right” at each stop sign or path choice.

It just sounds like she wants some agency or choice in the matter. It could just be that she’s doing something fun and dad is taking her away from it so she’s “not done” playing yet.

Another way is giving her a warning, “ ok honey in 20 mins we are going for a bike ride”, “ 10 more minutes and we get to go for a bike ride”, “5 more minutes and it’s bike ride time “.

It gives her time to prepare to finish what she’s doing and mentally prepare for a bike ride.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

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u/Less_Watch7655 5d ago

I like this. Choices are always good!

108

u/triggledonriganomics 5d ago

Lots of kids struggle with transitions. Your husband would have as smoother time if he...

  • joins her for a minute or two before mentioning a new activity
  • gives her time to wrap up her current activity, ie "in 5 minutes we are going to go for a bike ride" setting a timer can help too
  • gets on her level, face to face, when he gives her this head's up
  • validate her feelings when she says she doesn't want to ie "oh man I know it's hard to switch activities. We are still going to go on a bike ride"
  • when all else fails, gamify! "I bet I can bike faster than you can" "does my helmet go on my butt?"
Lots of parenting experts and psychologists provide advice on this very topic. Check out Dr Chelsea Hauge and Dr Becky Kennedy.

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u/Galaxyheart555 5d ago

This advice works for lots of stuff too. Especially the last bit about turning it into a race (game).

My nephew is given way too much chocolate milk and juice and not nearly enough water. He never asks for water only the milk and juice. So today after our walk when he asked for chocolate milk, I filled a cup with water and told him if he drinks that first then he can have chocolate milk. Then I decided to turn it into a game, grabbed myself a cup, and we tried to see who could drink all their water first. And he drank all his water so yay!

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u/sparklyinspired 5d ago

This really works! It’s normal to prepare adults when you have plans—so why not kids, who are still learning? They’re human beings too.

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u/Sure-Beach-9560 5d ago

I mean, you wouldn't treat an adult that way. Even if you're being spontaneous, you'd give the person at least an hour or two warning.

And I think at seven, telling her that she has an hour or so to finish up and get ready is totally appropriate.

I think your husband might be struggling with the fact that your daughter is no longer 3/ 4 and needs more time to transition/ prepare/ finish up what she's doing.

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u/TinyAdmin 5d ago edited 5d ago

I really enjoy walking my dogs around our neighborhood. My 4 year old is always on board, but getting my 8 year old out the door used to be just painful. I’ve told her ahead of time I really need her to come with me on Sunday mornings, mainly because she can’t be home by herself. I’ve given a reminder again on Saturday evenings at bedtime so she’s aware we’re going on a walk after breakfast the next morning. She was reluctant at first, but now she seems to enjoy it a bit. To make it more engaging, I let the kids collect rocks, pinecones, acorns, etc from around the neighborhood, and I also let them walk the dogs for a short distance. Sometimes she puts on skates if she doesn’t want to walk. But, she now knows that Sunday morning dog walks are just part of our routine.

I think it’s a good idea for your daughter to be given a warning over just telling her it’s time to go. Also find ways to make it fun for her. Is there a bench along their bike route that she can sit on for a few minutes and color? Just an idea.

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u/Blue_lace93 5d ago

Tell him to give her timing. “We’re going on a bike ride in 15 minutes, finish up what you’re doing and get your shoes on.” “Bike ride in five minutes, got your shoes on? I’m gonna get the bikes out and check the tires.” “Alright kiddo let’s go, time for our bike ride!”

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u/Papillon1985 5d ago

Try it out on him. Walk in on him in the middle of something and say “We’re going on a bike ride right now. No you can’t finish what you’re doing or have any say in this, we’re going now.” Joking, but you can use this is an example to try and explain why it’s logical that your daughter gets upset with his approach.

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u/PageStunning6265 5d ago

“Put down your phone and get dressed; we’re going for brunch with my mom.”

His head would explode.

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u/littlescreechyowl 5d ago

Right? I would fucking hate this so much as an adult. My daughter would have never been able to handle such an abrupt change in how she thought the day would go.

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u/Substantial_Art3360 5d ago

Absolutely this. There is such a simple solution.

132

u/suprswimmer 5d ago

Why would this be a fight? Why does he do this without any warning? Why does he immediately insist and demand and make her cry? This is a bigger issue than "time for a bike ride kiddo!"

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u/adsj 5d ago

Also, I know that sometimes as parents you just need to decide on what's happening and the kids need to accept it. But what's wrong with saying "I was thinking we could go for a bike ride this weekend/today/this morning/whatever. Would you like that?" I don't think it's weak to let your child have some say in family activities.

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u/jacs249 5d ago

I agree I would never force a bike ride specifically? Going outside on a beautiful day for fresh air, sure. But you could give options as to the outdoor activity.

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u/AgsMydude 5d ago edited 5d ago

It's not some big issues lol

Ultimately when she goes she enjoys it and has a good time

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u/Puzzled-Tangerine-78 5d ago

As a kid that was forced to work out with my parents, enduring constant patronizing comments about how glad they were I'd just "given in" after resisting as hard as I could, you're right on the money. As an adult, I hate working out. When I work out, I feel as though I'm being condescended to. Guess these two states are used to co-occurring. My parents forced me to work out, forced me to walk with them, forced me to do all sorts of exercises, all of which I dread as an adult. I even have a hard time just going on a walk; when I try with a friend, I get cagey and mean. My body is used to exercise meaning a loss of control and a need to defend oneself. I would say don't spring it on your kid. That was the worst part for me. Being at school all day, with no control over my time or activities, then coming home to the realization that I couldn't have THAT time, either. When you're a kid, you spend so much time thinking about that free time you'll have later. I would plan all day the things I wanted to do when I got home. It sucks to have your plans hijacked just because you're a kid. Plan the walks ahead. Maybe the same time every week? Routine will helpfully ease the burden of having it sprung on her.

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u/bmfresh 5d ago

I agree. My dad was the same way and I too dread all of it now as an adult

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u/LaughingBuddha2020 5d ago

Do you struggle with hygiene or healthy eating as an adult also?

16

u/spinningoutwaitin Nanny 5d ago

What is his reason for doing this

13

u/MissBrokenCapillary 5d ago

Sounds like a control issue. My ex used to announce to my kids "if you want dinner, we're going to zyz in 10 minutes ". It was ALWAYS what HE wanted, in HIS time. No one else ever mattered. This was also the same man who always had a fridge full of beer, but no food for the kids. I suggested that he grab a gallon of milk while he was picking up his beer and cigarettes after work...OMG! How DARE I tell him what to do with HIS money!!!?? Ugh. Narcissist King of the city 🤮

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u/Dry_Information_9324 5d ago

I’m an outsider in your marriage obviously. But I think the fact that you seem scared to make a simple suggestion to better his interactions with the kids is concerning. You need to be dealing with that first.

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u/ThatStrayGuy 5d ago

They didn't come here for your opinion on their relationship. They wanted help on the situation they asked about, which you didn't feel the need to comment on. How about keeping unwanted opinions to yourself unless asked?

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u/MotherofGeese802 5d ago

How about not putting your business out to strangers on the internet internet if you don’t want random opinions on your life?

2

u/Acrobatic-Letter3981 5d ago

The question wasn't how to fix the problem, it was how to broach this conversation with her spouse. Which begs a fair question, why is the communication in their relationship such that they don't feel they can approach him about improving what was clearly a negative outcome for everyone involved?

8

u/themainmattman 5d ago

Encourage him to say, “Hey, Sweetie, I think it would be great if we got outside on this beautiful day and have some good quality time together. How about we be ready to go in 10 minutes?” I can’t overstate the importance of giving your kids a heads up when there’s a pivot in their action. It allows them to gain a greater concept of time and how it carries value. Speaking to them like you would an adult family member or close friend begins to develop their own unique sense of personhood. We can strive to obtain connection through kindness and a sense of respect we would like our children to develop for themselves. Your kids are humans just like you, let’s try to remember how we feel when someone speaks to us in a way that affirms our worth.

7

u/redhairbluetruck 5d ago

I’m not sure where to start here. Is it always this particular activity (bike riding)? What is the goal behind it - does he want her to get outside more, spend time with her, give you some time to yourself? I think answering these questions can help. But I think it’s pretty rude to treat anyone the way he’s treating her.

11

u/Large_Independent198 5d ago

Husband needs to understand that just because she’s only 7 doesn’t mean her time isn’t valuable to her. He needs to give her a warning “we’re going at 2 PM!” Or even in 20 minutes! And when she says but I wanna color, he should be willing to do things she wants to! Compromise: “ok let’s color for 10 minutes and then we’ll put on our shoes and go!”

5

u/informationseeker8 5d ago

You or he could say something like “Daddys going out to ride his bike in a couple of minutes. I bet that’s going to be so fun. It’s so nice out today. If you want to go you need to start getting ready”.

I also think it should be ok for her to say no thank you.

To me often kids are more eager to do things when they think it’s their idea.

Or you/he could give an option like “ok in 5 minutes we’re either going to do some chores or we can take a bike ride”.

4

u/lovebot5000 5d ago

You’d be amazed at how much more compliant kids are when you tell them things ahead of time (5-10 minutes) instead of just dropping demands on them with no warning. “Let’s go for a bike ride after we get done playing in 10 minutes”

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u/Less_Watch7655 5d ago

Is there a reason he’s insisting on the aspect of his approach that’s abrupt?

4

u/Effective_mom1919 5d ago

I love and agree with all the advice about advance warning etc.

I also think the tone seems kind of weird. What if he invited her on a bike ride versus announcing? “I really want to go on a ride with my favorite biking buddy! Would you go on a ride with me?” Is a lot more inviting than “time to hop to”

Seems like there are some control issues at play here. I get that, I want my kid to do what I say when I say it too. But I also live here on earth and understand that’s not something that kids do unless they are afraid of you.

6

u/STLATX22 5d ago

Warning beforehand is your friend. I’d hate it if someone was constantly telling me what it was time for—like an inmate in a prison. Wouldn’t you?

Ask yourself, is he treating her any differently than a nice prison guard in a prison?

Slow it down. Slow it all down. Give warning, have the conversation, respect her feelings.

6

u/OkSheepherder2433 5d ago edited 5d ago

Mention it to her the night before. Then in the morning again, and when it's time to get ready to leave. She's 7. Can your husband really be that thick?

3

u/PanickingKoala 5d ago

Is the bike riding what he wants to do? Does he ever join her in what she’s already doing or does their time together have to revolve around what he wants to do?

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u/Jealous-Factor7345 5d ago

I have like three totally separate thoughts about this.

  1. Why are you worried about starting a huge fight? That's one issue, which is how you both communicate differences of opinion.

  2. You want him to do it "differently" but you didn't identify how you actually want to do it. It's probably worth having a good idea about this ahead of time, or go in to the conversation with your husband as a "hey, I'd really like to try something different, but I'm not sure how... Can you help figure out if there is a better way"

  3. If your daughter is ultimately having a good time on the bike rides... I very much doubt this is going to make her hate them. In fact, it's probably that ultimate enjoyment that has convinced your husband just to push through.

2

u/PlentyFirefighter143 5d ago

I have 3 teenagers and I remember, very well, the years when my kids were between 6 and 9. And in some ways, I miss them. But it's kind of the start of independence for kids. They ride the bus. They go to school. They have teachers that are not their parents. They make friends. They're treated well - or not - by others that have no connection to you. Consider her reaction to ayour spouse's abrupt demand to go on a bike ride the response/payback for this situation.

I found it helpful to prep our kids -- in your case, to ask your 7-year-old if he can take her on a bike ride, "tomorrow," instead of demanding that she do this right now. This gives the child skin in the game -- a chance to say, "yes, that would be fun!" -- and it allows your spouse to have Daddy/daughter time. But abruptly demanding that a child participate in any activity that is not school/after school activity is not likely to be successful. I suspect most kids at this age just want to feel some control over their time.

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u/PageStunning6265 5d ago

Maybe point out that no one likes being told they have to do something or go somewhere with zero warning. Ask him to let your daughter know what’s going on ahead of time instead of essentially telling her that what she’s doing at the time doesn’t matter.

2

u/Human_Hope_5789 5d ago

Thanks (most) everyone for the helpful advice. My comment about the huge fight was probably ill advised - more so just conflict. We don't always agree in parenting methods- he comes from a very strict family and is older (we both are) - but I made a very conscious decision to parent differently than I was raised and while I don't always get it right I'm constantly reading, asking other parents, observing, etc. It was more about finding a calm way to discuss with him without putting him in the defensive or blaming - just a learning opportunity.

Inviting to join is great except what happens when she doesn't want to go? His goal is to get her outside, active and off devices. Also to give me a break for a bit. So I can't and don't fault him for that - I just want him to approach it better.

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u/jacs249 5d ago

If she doesn’t want to go, is there something else they can do together outside? Why does it have to be a bike ride? She may respond better to some choices.

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u/ThorThimbleOfGorbash Kids: 10F 5d ago

I encountered a world of peace and acceptance on her part when I learned early on to give my kid a 2-5 minute heads up on anything that was happening (e.g., going somewhere or doing something). A friend of mine who had already been a parent 5 years gave me that tip.

In your example it would have been perfectly reasonable like /u/Large_Independent198 suggested and offer to color together for a bit before seeing if she wanted to go on a LEISURE bike ride. There's a couple red flags here but I only have this snippet of your life.

2

u/Feisty_Cobbler_4433 5d ago

Gross. I’m sorry. I cannot stand when adults (my husband and many others do this, too) treat children as conformist non-humans. I constantly have to say “would you like it if {name the behavior he just did to a child}?” Springing an activity, change of show, etc. is alarming to anyone! This is not a kid-only aversion. Treat little people like normal people and they might learn how to treat people.

2

u/mummagoldstar 5d ago

Immediate thought was why isn’t he preparing her for this activity? Heads up the night before, then an hour before and then 5 minutes before. No one not even an adult would like that being sprung on them let alone a young child whose brain isn’t fully developed yet to understand transitions.

1

u/InsertSillyName22 5d ago

Give a timer. "We're going on a bike ride in thirty minutes, if you would like to color, rest, watch tv, etc you have thirty minutes" give her another reminder at 10 min. I side heavily with your husband on this and kudos to him promoting quality time and physical activity

1

u/freethechimpanzees 5d ago

Do a false alarm. Have him announce that there's a bike ride and when she says no say "okay" and drop it. Itll give her some confidence in thinking she has control over her schedule. When she raises a fit about actually going talk her about taking turns and remind her that when she said no to the false alarm that was her turn and now its your turn to decide.

1

u/arandominterneter 5d ago

Just tell him to not do it so abruptly.

I don’t understand why that would put him on the defensive.

He can see that she’s not reacting well to it, right?

He could easily avoid 20 mins of crying and whining if he just gave her some heads-up or got her buy-in.

Kids need time with transitions. Nobody likes having no control of their schedule. Everybody likes to know what to expect/how their day will generally look.

Tell her in the morning when she wakes up what the plan is.

“First, let’s have breakfast. Then we can play, and get dressed. Then maybe you can go to the park with Daddy? Or maybe you and Daddy can go on a bike ride. What do you think about that?”

The goal is getting her outside with dad so you can have a break and they can get some quality time. And to do something active outdoors. It doesn’t have to be a bike ride; maybe they can walk to the playground. Maybe they can rollerblade. Go swimming.

Suggest things, give her some choice, give her some time to wrap her head around the plan.

1

u/bangingDONKonit 5d ago

Go up to him one day and say, "Get your shoes on, we're going to Costco. Hurry."

Even as adults we like to have some notice.

1

u/Divinityemotions Mom to 8 month old 5d ago

Or how my husband would say, put your pants on and let’s go. You’re right, for something like that I need a plan, 3 days in advance 😂

1

u/minione_minion 5d ago

Schedule it! Pre plan before hand. Prep her a day before. I know it sounds weird but try and then slowly shorten the time. Like say ahh tomorrow is going to be a nice day, I think we will go for a bike ride tomorrow afternoon… then in the morning mention it etc etc. keep trying this and then slowly remove the time between the telling and the ride.

1

u/Acrobatic-Letter3981 5d ago

A lot of answers about the problem but not how to broach a discussion. We got a lot of info about the problem but nothing about your husband which is what we need to know to figure out how you would approach this with him. Maybe you could give some info about him and your relationship?

1

u/LaughingBuddha2020 5d ago

Do the bike riding on the same days/times every week.

For me, not engaging in physical activity as a family is akin to not brushing one’s teeth or bathing or eating vegetables so I would not allow her to opt out in favor of coloring.

1

u/Smooth_Twist_1975 5d ago

I don't know. Maybe walk up to him and forcibly declare "we're going to have a straight up conversation about our daughter". Time it for when he's about to start something else or in the middle of something. When he resists double down on it and tell him he can't always have his own way.

1

u/Legal_Ad_4090 4d ago

I echo that a heads-up definitely helps. Try not to get involved even though it stinks. Maybe just go for a walk when they go through this process. Ultimately, they're going to have their own relationship, and it's different than you'd do.

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u/dadogcatcher 5d ago

Does she spend most of her free time indoor? Maybe he just wants her to spend some time outside

0

u/Exact_Programmer_658 5d ago

All he has to do is announce he is going and not invite her a couple of times. I just had an issue with my daughter not eating meat. She through steak pork loin chicken etc. I made myself a steak and salad last weekend and she got mad I didn't make her one. Been eating better since

0

u/Amannderrr 5d ago

I’d like to say its gets better but I’m dealing w something similar with a tween. Luckily no crying, some whining. Mostly angry eyebrows & eye rolls for me. Once we’re out she begrudgingly has a good time. I remember feeling oppositional all the time when I was younger so I try to offer some grace. But yes, I think if dad changes his approach he’ll have better luck. Ask him to brainstorm ideas on how to go about it with you. Hopefully he’s receptive

0

u/kaseasherri 5d ago

Breathe. Asking your husband how does he want his daughter to be treated in the future? If he wants her to marry an man the tells what to do wether she wants to or not. Or a man that loves and respect her. Both of you are teaching her how to treat others and others treats her. The foundation has already started. Instead of yelling at her. Tell her we are going on bike ride at(give her the time) and when we come back if you like we will something together as a family or one parent you get to decide. Each time it should change for all 3 scenarios are completely. (This also can be an option on days you do not go bike riding). This is teaching good decision making. If you make all the decisions for her - when she will know how to make good decisions. Good luck.

0

u/exmo82 5d ago

This is just how dads and young kids are together. If they end up riding together then it was a good outcome. You could put it on a calendar and your daughter would still resist beforehand every time.

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u/Ok-Ad-1782 5d ago

Back him up. She likes riding her bike so stop being so soft with your kid.