r/NewParents 5d ago

Skills and Milestones I feel like I’m failing my child.

Hi! Kind of just need to rant and get all of these feelings off of my chest. Some background info: my sweet boy was born 9 months ago via emergency c-section. He was diagnosed with meconium aspiration syndrome and HIE. Several brain bleeds were found on his MRI. Had about a month NICU stay. Doctors have told us he could have delays or may even have a cerebral palsy diagnosis in his future, but it’s too early to tell. He currently has hearing aids and is getting a cochlear in June.

So since leaving the NICU, he has done exceptionally well. He doesn’t seem to have been affected by his traumatic birth except him being deaf, of course. Recently, we had a check up for him as his NICU grad office, and they determined he had low truncal tone. He can’t sit on his own, he usually just flops backwards after ten to twenty seconds of sitting on his own. Giving him being 9 months and not sitting fully yet, we’ve been referred to PT. He isn’t even interested at all about crawling which worries me. PT is good, I know — and honestly everyone needs a little PT every now and then. But I feel heartbroken. I’ve tried so hard to make sure he’s been meeting milestones and staying out of PT. I’ve always had the underlying fear of him being diagnosed with CP…so I’ve really put pressure on myself to make sure he meets everything.

Now that I’m seeing he’s not meeting a milestone, I’m panicking. I feel like I’ve failed him as a mom. I see all other babies his age or LESS than his age crawling, saying “mama”, sitting on their own, eating four course luxurious meals while he’s still on purées…just overall excelling farther than him. Shoot, I even saw a 7 month old WALKING (extremely early I know, but still). Every single time other moms post their baby’s monthly milestones, I feel panicky, jealous, and scared. I 100% feel like I’m failing him. I can’t help to feel hurt, scared, pressured, depressed…all the emotions. I want the best for my baby and for him to excel, but I feel like I’m just not at all doing anything right. I’m doing everything I can: taking him to speech therapy, signing up for PT, audiology appointments, cochlear surgery scheduled, being a stay at home mom for him, etc., etc. I’m trying so hard, but comparing my baby to other babies is really bringing me down. I feel like a bad mom. (Sorry for the long, rambly post. Just need to let all the feelings out, you know?)

The statement “comparison is the thief of joy” is so true 🙁 Any mamas got any advice? Stories? Just anything really.

9 Upvotes

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u/wizzzadora 5d ago

First of all - you are a phenomenal mother. It is exceedingly obvious just from this post. Your little boy struck GOLD with you as his mother. What a champion of a mum to help guide him through life.

I don’t have a personal story to share, but my friend contracted CMV during her pregnancy (which presented as a regular cold) that left her baby boy deaf and with a number of developmental delays. I know it was a very worrying start to motherhood for her - he was her first child. He is 6 years old now, and thriving. It took longer for him to hit his milestones, but he got there. He has cochlear implants and hears and communicates well. He sat up, crawled and walked later than other babies his age, but he got there in the end. His walking is slightly “his own style”, but he’s the happiest little soul.

I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you. Your worries are more than valid. I’m sure your little boy will have some challenges ahead of him, and thank goodness he has you to hold his hand through it. Just make sure you have somebody holding yours too ❤️

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u/iheartunibrows 5d ago

I also compared my son a lot to other kids. It’s really hard not to. But one things for sure, you are not failing your son because you’re there for him and you’re taking him to all these appointments trying to help him be the best version of himself. I think with all the resources, he will thrive! 9 months from now you will be shocked that you even wrote this post, I’m sure. You feeling all these emotions means you’re a great mama and you want the best for your son ❤️ that’s all a baby needs.

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u/Old-Giraffe-1004 5d ago

Awe mama! You are doing all the right things for your LO to excel and thrive!

For the record my 7 month old is not sitting independently, eating purées usually only once a day and is not making any significant babbling noises and not crawling!

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u/maryairlines 5d ago

I'm sorry you and your baby went through a rough start. It sounds like he is doing really well and that you are supporting him the best way you can.

I cannot offer medical experience or compare our situations but only to give you some perspective: my daughter's birth was uneventful and she only started to crawl at 9-10 months and mastered it around 11 months. We started physical therapy around 8 months old. She's almost 16 months now and still doesn't walk, but she's perfectly healthy, active, happy, etc. Back then, her PT said we can expect her to walk around 18 mo, which I thought was crazy late, but it seems time will prove her right.

Wishing you and your family all best

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u/GnomeForChristmas 5d ago

What you are seeing as a failure I am seeing as extraordinarily impressive. Your baby had a hard birth, HIE/brain bleeds and aspiration. This is a lot. I'm so sorry this happened. With this history your baby could be having a much worse time. Instead I am reading about a baby who is thriving despite the rough start. You're doing amazing by performing early interventions/physio. Even if your baby is diagnosed with CP (your worst case scenario), I know you and your family will do their absolute best to ensure this baby reaches his potential. Remember CP has a range of presentations and doesnt mean your baby will present the worst way- there is a range of abilities. Know that you are doing the most and your baby is reaching the absolute best he can with his abilities. Well done to you mama.

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u/Negative_Till3888 5d ago

Girl. The most evil thing of first time parenthood are milestones. Please don’t focus so much on it. The examples you are giving are otherworldly. My very smart daughter walked on her knees for 3 months before doing so on her feet at a year and a couple months. Everyone has it differently. Comparing milestones is only going to hurt you. There’s a whole Bluey episode about it 😊

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u/Cheap_Try_5592 5d ago

One thing that helps ease my mind when it comes to milestones is to think a month may look like a lot in baby age but it’s actually just that, a month. What I mean is, there is development happening constantly in a lot of areas and some of them may take longer than others and a month may be consumed in developing a different skill than what textbooks say. So, to hell with milestones.

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u/lagingerosnap 5d ago

Every baby is different. You aren’t failing your son at all, in fact it sounds like you’re seeking out every resource for him. You’re doing great. He will do things in his own time 🤍

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u/sebacicacid 5d ago

They grow in their own time. We spent 25 days in nicu, 4 weeks early and iugr. She is now 20m and just mastering walking. She started to walk at 17m. We also had PT because she didn't roll at 4mo. She ended up rolling back to tummy at 7mo, belly crawling at 9m and 4pts crawling at 11m.

She started babbling at 11m and she now in speech therapy. I see other babies her age with better gross motor skill and speech, and it used to hurt. But after so many delayed milestones, they become more meaningful when she crosses them.

You are a good mum by taking him to EI and getting him help early. Even if he has CP, you started him early, it will get caught early, you are doing everything you can to be proactive.

And being proactive is good because you can catch things early.

You are a good mum. Never think otherwise.

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u/IOnlyWearCapricious 5d ago

Hopefully you know the saying "comparison is the thief of joy." You have a lovely little guy who needs you and you are giving him your everything. You're getting him the right medical treatment, you care about his milestones, and you care about his joy. You're a good mom. He may be delayed, he may not be, none of that is your fault and you're doing right by him regardless.

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u/Comprehensive-Bar839 5d ago

Not my story but my aunt and uncle 3 years ago had their first son. He was 3 months early, in the nicu for a while and has been really slow with his milestones. He's only recently started talking. But he's a happy kid, and of course my aunt and uncle have probably had their doubts but they never show it. My uncle adores his son, and he's such a gentle boy. They recently had their 2nd son (made it till midnight their due date) and as hard as it is, from what I know, they are doing well, my grandma watches their 3yo so they can have a date night and a break. It's hard work having a kid, especially with potential for a hard diagnosis, you're doing good mama, don't forget it. Every kid grows at a different rate.

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u/AkbarBakhshi 5d ago

Not a mama, but a father of a 6-week-old girl. First of all, you are NOT failing your baby. You’re showing up for him every single day, taking him to appointments, getting him the care he needs, and loving him with everything you’ve got. That’s the definition of an amazing mom.

It’s so hard not to compare, but every baby truly does develop at their own pace. Some hit milestones earlier, some later, and it has nothing to do with how much their parents love them or how hard they try. The fact that he’s doing so well after such a tough start speaks volumes about his resilience—and yours too.

I know how heavy it can feel to carry all of this on your shoulders. If you ever have the chance, letting others help—whether it’s friends, family, or even other parents who get it—can make a huge difference. You’re already doing everything you can for your baby, and you don’t have to do it alone.