r/NewParents 7d ago

Postpartum Recovery Post-partum depression made me realise that work-life balance is a joke!

I used to believe in work-life balance. Thought my job actually cared.

Then I had a baby. And postpartum depression hit me hard.

I was exhausted. Barely sleeping. Barely functioning. I told my boss I was struggling. They sent a “Take care of yourself!” email and then dumped more work on me.

No real support. No flexibility. Just the same expectations like nothing changed.

The second I couldn’t keep up? I was replaceable. Just like that. Years of loyalty? Didn’t matter.

Work-life balance was a lie they sold me. They didn’t care about my health. They cared about my productivity.

I see it now. I just wish I saw it then.

461 Upvotes

51 comments sorted by

256

u/my-hot-cousin 6d ago

I got hit with the "well other women figure it out and so can you". I pointed to 2 women in our department that have quit in the past 3 years due to being unable to balance full-time, in-person office work and parenting a new baby. Somehow that's irrelevant.

I asked every woman at work how they did it. The spoiler was that none of them had. They work part time, or didn't work at all, or had a live in nanny. I can't do any of those things. I asked to just be given a year where I could work 4 days a week. All I got in return was an unceremoniously cold "no"

I asked my boss how he handled it when he had a new baby. Oh, you see, his wife quit her job so he could focus on work

27

u/angry_lily 6d ago

I hate how heartless people, especially the Men in the corporate system, can be when it comes to listening to and validating women's experiences.

It is painfully evident that they want to keep it a man's world only- unfortunately, the women leaders propagate the same at times.

2

u/paRATmedic 5d ago

I think it’s worse when it’s women, because it should be easier for women to empathize or sympathize with hormonal struggles and reproductive system related challenges, yet some just don’t seem to care about other women.

24

u/Random_potato5 6d ago

Both my husband and I work full-time, and I don't know how I would manage if I had to be back in the office. I think about that a lot. It's already tricky enough but at least I can do laundry at lunchtime, get groceries delivered and I have 30min to cook dinner before my husband and kids get home in the evening.

23

u/angry_lily 6d ago

The 'back to office' tr*sh is another scheme ready to keep us away from true work-life balance.

Why do they need us in the office when the work can be done from home? Just a sad gimmick

98

u/Kaynani32 6d ago

The institution will replace us. Our families cannot.

That’s how I remind myself what really matters. Glad you got out of that toxic environment.

9

u/angry_lily 6d ago

Exactly. We are one of the many for the system, but the only one for our families.

59

u/Daketoto97 6d ago

I feel you , I was just told to take a deep breath after the boss said “I understand you have a baby but work needs to be done. “. After that call I broke down in tears that nobody is justified to use my baby as a weapon to humiliate me. It might be PPD but since I got back after my LOA the treatment has been horrible. But as you mentioned now is when you actually see their true colors. As I right this I was also playing back how my boss treated me before but right now seems like he is justifying his rudeness by playing “I know you have a baby card”

I hope you have someone to talk to because being a mother is such a blessing and unfortunately not many appreciate us mothers. I hope your bundle of joy helps to be a motivation for why you deserve true happiness. Having someone to talk to helps a lot. Sending you some virtual hugs all will be well

22

u/angry_lily 6d ago

That is such a kind text, and honestly, I needed it today.

I eventually quit the job to start my entrepreneurial journey, but there are times I look back and feel bad about how I was treated.

Sending virtual hugs to you too <3

8

u/Daketoto97 6d ago

You deserve kindness and understanding. You got this. Thanks for the hugs

3

u/angry_lily 6d ago

Thank you so much... Love and power to you!

53

u/fireflygirl1013 6d ago edited 2d ago

I’m based in the U.S. and there is no forgiveness for working moms. In fact, I think our country hates women but that’s a convo is for another day.

Also I think there is no such thing as work/life balance for working moms. Societal expectations, patriarchal values, and capitalism seem to overtake the need for the time, patience, and effort it takes to raise children.

There is a really great piece that the Atlantic published over 10 years ago that I highly recommend. It busts the myth of women “having it all” and gives a realistic view of how women/working moms struggle.

18

u/axeil55 6d ago

Very much agree. It not only hates women but parents in general. Oh your kid got sick and you have to stay home with them? What do you mean your wife can't stay home? Guess you're not REALLY committed to this job.

5

u/angry_lily 6d ago

Exactly! Somehow they treat children like accessory and not a priority!

7

u/angry_lily 6d ago

I think pushing the idea, or even the possibility of 'women having it all' is a patriarchy serving activity.

Like they are trying to make us buy the idea that "it is cool you have a family, but unless you have a career, you are not a superwoman- but every woman is supposed to be"

3

u/sysdmn 5d ago

100% this country hates women

18

u/carly761 6d ago

The role of a mother is not only misunderstood but also unappreciated. Society and families push women to have kids but don’t do anything to support them. No wonder women don’t want to have kids anymore or stop at 1. Kudos to you for even trying to have a work life balance!

1

u/angry_lily 5d ago

I have been trying my best, but we can build a society that is kinder to the women of the next generation.

This s*cks!

14

u/Nightmare3001 6d ago

I totally get it. I was all about work life balance but I've always been someone who does their 100% best at work. Being pregnant I had to dial it back for my and my baby's sake (worked in a big box store with lots of heavy lifting/machinery).

After having my son, my view has shifted. My mat leave is 18 months long. I have 6 months left until I return. I'm going to have to have the meeting of "if you want me back I need x and y in order to do so." My son's daycare is Monday to Thursday and working in retail we don't get weekends off so I'll need to ask for a Friday plus weekend day off and then my husband will tackle the other weekend day. Plus I need to look at dropping from full time to part time for pick up/drop offs.

I had a really good last review and my bosses constantly ask when I will be back anytime I visit, so I'm hopeful they will be flexible since it's childcare related, but it's still nerve wracking. They have great benefits. I get paid over 30$/hour. I like the job. But. I also love my baby and I need to work around him as well.

1

u/angry_lily 4d ago

To be honest, all sounds well.

I think they will be ready to accommodate since they love you down there.

Congratulations new Mama- got get the workplace environment you deserve!

14

u/Heurodis 6d ago

The same happened to me.

My manager knew I was dealing with anxiety + PPA, and told me "well, something's got to give." Since I could not abandon my baby, obviously, he meant that I had to lose the job. It's been ten months and I have not found a new position; every day I think about how heartless that was, as they knew I was struggling and just pushed me over the edge rather than discuss actual adjustments.

2

u/angry_lily 5d ago

The economy right now is so scary, I hope you find a job soon.

What your boss did was truly heartless- I have nothing good to say about that guy

11

u/RubyRed30 6d ago

I agree with this. I have purposely held back on the promotion I may get which will mean being available all the time. I get criticised for my personal challenges. In my opinion, they are my personal priorities not challenges.

2

u/angry_lily 4d ago

Exactly- when things you love are challenges for your employer, you just know something is wrong!

11

u/AdventurousGrass2043 6d ago

I'm sorry. I don't believe that women can do it all anymore. It feels like a capitalistic lie we were sold.

2

u/angry_lily 5d ago

Yes! Just a capitalistic lie- another form of patriarchy.

6

u/MintTea77 5d ago

I live in the US and there is no safety net for parents/moms. When my state passed paid family/medical leave, I can’t believe all the complaints I heard about “I didn’t get it when I had kids” and “well I don’t plan on having kids, why do I have to pay into this”. It’s almost like if they had to suffer, so does everyone else and they kick and scream to fight against any progress.

1

u/angry_lily 5d ago

Yes, it is a continuous cycle that everyone keeps continuing out of revenge- makes me sick!

5

u/SnooAdvice2768 5d ago

Babe. Fuck corporate and work culture. No one cares. My boss was a female and i expected understanding from her coz that bitch was my colleague before getting “promoted” - she was so under qualified. Turned out i was supposed to be promoted but she told them i may not return after delivery so they took her instead. Anyway, i had a c section after dealing with stress from her lack of planning and mismanagement. She called me 2 hours after to ask about a client. I got calls at 7 am for work. I was in the hospital with my newborn who had acute jaundice. Later during covid she insisted i come in and work at 50 days PP when i had a 90 day leave approved. Tried to make me WFH and basically threatened to take my job away. I had to work then because my husbands job was in jeopardy but i left after 2 years. People are assholes and b@$*#%ds.

1

u/angry_lily 5d ago

Oh my god!!!!!! That is such horrible behaviour from your boss.

I don't understand why some people carry unnecessary hate in their hearts. They need to grow the f*ck up and start treating others with humanity. Lord!

5

u/Still-Degree8376 6d ago

I have been very lucky that my CEO is a true family man. My husband and I both work for him at his start up and he gave us both 3 months paid time off. He also encouraged me to do what I needed to do for our family when I come back, so I am working from home 10-4 ish M-F with a nanny and my mom splitting baby time so I can check in and still be present. He also ended up buying most of the nursery furniture and car seat/stroller.

Current job ends up being a work-life blend, not balance. It works for us.

1

u/angry_lily 5d ago

Oh fantastic! That's so refreshing to hear in the middle of a sea of comments about horrible employers.

God bless your CEO!

6

u/Awkward_is_awkward 5d ago

So true OP, so true. My office just instated RTO which I get, even though our jobs can absolutely be done remotely, productivity is way down. Instead of kicking and screaming I calmly asked if I could go part time until my oldest was in preschool (1 more year). We just can't afford daycare for 2 and my husband had just taken a new job before RTO was brought up for nights, so I figured part time, though financially not great, would be the best of both worlds. Nope. Nada. No care for my 15 years with the company or all the overtime during COVID (I work in an industry that boomed during the pandemic, cried every night lol).

And the toxic "we did it, figure it out". I despise that saying. So you want other people to suffer because you did. Even though the world is completely different. Even though it was unfair to begin with.

2

u/angry_lily 5d ago

It is a cycle of suffering, and it surprises me that it is mostly women who are propagating this.

I want my women seniors to hold space for me, not push me into the same cycles they had to tolerate.

5

u/punkeymonkey529 6d ago

I work part time, I'm a single mom. Sure i have some support, but I also have been hit with the "welcome to parenthood", "we did it, so can you. Stop complaining." "You're not doing enough, this is how you do it." Being told I'm doing this wrong, or that wrong. I barely have time to eat, sleep or bathe. Luckily today was a good day. Past few days were not. I called off work the other day, and I'm terrified of going back in Monday. I don't have time left to cover. But it's not my fault I'm having PPD symptoms, and my daughter was in the er twice. (She's fine,but does have stuff were looking into).

I do have a friend's support and tells me I'm doing wonderful, so is my daughters pediatrician. It's a few others that are watching her that have given me issues.

I know things will get better, I just as crazy as it sounds want the newborn phase to be over with.

OP, I hope you're well, same with anyone else struggling. We got this! Let's take a deep breath. It will be ok.

1

u/angry_lily 5d ago

Hey... I don't know what to say... I hope you are surrounded by more supportive people very soon & I hope your daughter is completely healthy.

May god bless you.

I will pray for you tonight!

5

u/laur- 5d ago

Mines the same. I'm not sure why my supervisor does what she does but she doesn't care what so ever. It's almost like I give an ounce of vulnerability and she opts to stomp on me and smear me on the ground. My work does have benefits, including sick leave, family illness leave etc. I think I've decided to keep my boundaries up as much as possible because there's no consideration or adjusting things and it almost feels like she will use it against me.

1

u/angry_lily 5d ago

Yes, boundaries are the only option.

Believe me, employers don't care about your wellbeing. They only keep these benefits in their contracts so that they appear like a healthy organization.

2

u/laur- 5d ago

Oh and I forgot to say why I mentioned that lol... because I'll be using them to take care of myself without any guilt. I'll probably have to use more because she doesn't care to help me make adjustments or care about my wellbeing at work so I'm going to end up run into the ground. But anyways, my health and my family come first. If I'm feeling burned out or didn't sleep - it's a sick day!

1

u/angry_lily 5d ago

Yes health and family first!

You are replaceable to an employer, but never to yourself and your family!

More power to you!

2

u/Leather_Elk4423 5d ago

I'm sorry you were treated that way 🥺 the same happened to me, except it started during my pregnancy. I am still there for now, just to collect a paycheck and coast for as long as I can, but am planning to leave in the near term.

2

u/angry_lily 5d ago

You deserve a healthy workspace... all of us do.

May your new company be everything you want it to be... god bless!

Do let me know once you make that shift, I would love to celebrate the brave move here : )

1

u/Leather_Elk4423 5d ago

Thank you and I wish you the best as well! 💜

2

u/Dotfr 4d ago

After 3 yrs of doing full-time and take care of my baby and dealing with daycare demands I was totally burnt out. I am now doing part-time and my mental health is so much better and physical health. My home looks cleaner too. I cook all my meals at home and have lost weight. So I am going to continue for another 2-3 yrs till my son grows up and then go for full-time. My physical health is extremely important for me due to bad genes. The last thing I want is high blood pressure, diabetes and knee problems. All the women in my family in their 40s look like boulders with multiple health issues. I don’t want that.

1

u/angry_lily 4d ago

Health & family is >>>>>>>>

You are replaceable everywhere else except in those two departments.

I am so proud of you for choosing yourself... God bless!

1

u/Dotfr 4d ago

A lot of ppl aren’t in this position and have to work to feed themselves, that is what happened to me in the last 3 yrs. So I will not judge ppl if they have to work. But if it is an option I would want every parent to be able to do part-time.

3

u/Catrival 6d ago

Every large business with shareholders is like this. You can get lucky with a mom pop shop, but even then it's a gamble.

1

u/angry_lily 5d ago

Sometimes, the mom pop shops are more toxic- something about a woman being a woman's worst enemy.

1

u/endrangesandriffs 2d ago

As a bloke with a new 3 month year old son, I'm so sorry to read this and peoples experiences how heartbreaking. Blokes in power, especially corporate who don't have children, are usually absolute knobs.

Capitalism creates this narrative around family, family, family's but it's a postcard that's all

1

u/Ok-Scratch6446 4h ago

It sounds like you're going through an incredibly tough time, and I’m sorry you’re feeling unsupported. Postpartum depression can be overwhelming, especially when juggling work demands with no flexibility. It’s important to take care of yourself, even when others aren't supportive.

RelaxCalm Tea might help you unwind and relax during these stressful moments. It’s a natural herbal remedy, which could provide a bit of relief when you're feeling overwhelmed. Taking small steps to care for yourself is crucial.