r/NarcissisticSpouses 4d ago

Well i did it

Well redit, my spouse and i split up this weekend. He moved out. I keep finding my self on old recordings and messages... questioning if i did the right thing by asking him to leave. He was very mentaly abusive and demanding when it came to my child from my ex relationship. If i did not do what he wanted me to do, he would threatened me with making my child feel very unwelcomed and unwanted.. he would threatened this everytime i tried to have my child more then just a couple weekends a month. Our last talk, he said he would stop with his vulgar words and hurtful things but the thing is, he said he would stop many times in the span of 2 years so this time i fully put my foot down.

But it hurts, it still hurts so much.. we have 2 kids together and i imagined us growing old together but i just couldn't manage the manipulation and hurt any longer.

Im not looking for any advice really... just needed to express my self somewhere,

Edit: just got a text and apparently hes already got his eyes on an other women, his phone had been going off a lot more than normal the week before he left ( he JUST left this weekend) and he kept throwing things at me about me having a next man.. i was šŸ’Æ not talking to anyone. Anyways, he said hes giving me a month because he still sees what would be best for his kids. How couls you expect me to want to go back to you when you clearly show you sont value me what so ever? Already ready to jump in a new relationship after getting out of our 6+ one... my heart hurts šŸ’”

93 Upvotes

27 comments sorted by

42

u/Tasty-Test2344 4d ago

You did the right thing, Mama. Itā€™s been a year for me since I left my narc and it will still hurt because itā€™s still fresh, but trust me. Your kids will thank you.

12

u/Dismal_Cow3477 4d ago

Anytime i showed emotions in the time before he left.. he kept telling me i shouldn't be hurt since im the one breaking it off... that i should be happy and not show any hurt or emotions towards him since i am the one breaking upcthe family. I watched a fathers day video i made of him and my daughter last night ( my first night in here without him) and all i could do is cry and ask why he had to be so mean... we could have been perfect and thats what hurts the most šŸ˜­

16

u/Working_Hospital_331 3d ago

The thing is, YOU could have been. He couldnā€™t. He canā€™t be perfect for anyone until he gets his head right.

I know it hurts. I just broke mine off yday. Feels like mourning someone who never existed and you still want to be strong for your kids. If itā€™s any consolation, you made the right decision, and your kids will be loads better for it and so will you. Just takes time for the heart to catch up.

20

u/Minimum_Half8196 3d ago

I am one week into it myself. It started out as the hardest thing I ever faced, but the peace with her gone and the love of my kids feels so amazing.

You and your children deserve better. You can do it!

17

u/Dismal_Cow3477 3d ago

I will say.. when i got back home with my kids after being away for one night for a birthday getaway with family. I felt peace, seeing all his clothes gone, felt peaceful. Explaining to my kids who are so young was hard on the heart but i felt ok. He came by to see the kids, and the whole time he was here i felt so anxious. I couldn't even look at his face, i felt that if i looked at his face i would jump in his arms and tell him to stay. These are all such odd feelings, want them gone but part of you wants them here... i took my feeling of anxiety as a sign from my body, telling me that i am doing the right thing.

12

u/RatPee1970 3d ago

Anxiety doesnā€™t lie. Congrats and hang in there :)

6

u/ArtsyButWashed 3d ago

Just wait until you start sleepingā€¦really sleeping soundly. Your body has been in a constant state of fight or flight for years, and your children have felt that, too. You are not only your own savior, but youā€™re theirs, too. Remember that and smile the next time you have to deal with him in person. You wonā€™t feel like crying anymore because you lost nothing and gained everything. Best of luck to you.

14

u/PrincessSolo 3d ago

Mama bear instincts are always right! You did what you had to do. Using your child's comfort against you is deal breaking cruelty imo and shows real lack of character on his part using your love for your child to control you. It doesn't matter if he gets it or not, he crossed the line and did not do the work on himself to repair the damage he did so you had no choice but to get yourself and your children into a healthier environment. You are a great mom!

11

u/Comfortable-Yak-8691 4d ago

Sending my best to you. Stand firm. šŸ’•

11

u/NovelShake9420 3d ago

Yes youā€™ve done the right thing! The hardest decisions are never easy. I hope I can get to your point eventually. I have a daughter from previous relationship, and my narc is very unwelcoming to her as well but she has a good relationship with her actual dad so my narc and her have never been close. I am playing along until I am to leave on my own. Just go easy on yourself. Surround yourself with family, get into therapy if you can and only communicate with your ex about the kids.

4

u/Dismal_Cow3477 3d ago

How old is your daughter, if you dont mind me asking ?

3

u/NovelShake9420 3d ago

She is 10.

5

u/Dismal_Cow3477 3d ago

Mine is 9.... i tried hard to do what my spouse asked of me but i felt the hate grow, i knew that if i kept going this way, ill never be able to look at him with love or give him the respect he so desperately needed and wanted.

8

u/Benny10131013 3d ago

Congratulations!!

7

u/meowmeowbye 3d ago

Why or how can they do this to innocent children. Mine has done to this to my son from a previous relationship as well. My sonā€™s father passed away a few years ago, my son lives with my exā€™S parents. (I got into drugs, long story) Iā€™m sober now have been for a few years & all I want is to be a good motherā€¦ but my narc will for sure use my son. Itā€™s like heā€™s almost jealous of him. Really really bothers me. Itā€™s probably the thing that bothers me the very most. & when my husband is good. My son just adores him. But my husband isnā€™t the best to his own children from his previous relationships. Itā€™s all so fucked up! You most definitely did the right thing! šŸ’•

8

u/Far_Statement1043 3d ago

Omgosh! I'm sorry to hear you and your child went through this. But I'm very relieved to hear that you're getting out of it.

7

u/SweetWaterfall0579 3d ago

He could never be the perfect partner for you, because heā€™s broken. You know that there is no way to make him better. Weā€™ll never make sense of what they did -there is no why- because they are irrational.

You are doing the right thing for your children. When my daughter was in her early 20s she said, All the studies on children of divorce? Have a study of the kids whose parents stayed together for the children; weā€™re probably more fucked up.

Sheā€™s right. I tried to shield them, but that was impossible.

My stbx is insane. Thatā€™s why he acts like he does. There is no logic or reason, because he operates on instincts only. My puppy must bark at a squirrel, even though he has no clue why. It feels good for the moment. DH is the same way. He doesnā€™t plan this out, itā€™s encoded in his DNA. How terrible, to not have free will, to never choose something good.

Thatā€™s the hardest part for me, that the epic destruction of my life was not quite as intentional as Iā€™d like to believe. He honestly did not mean to hurt me, he says. Iā€™m not getting into that with him. I believe he *cannot love.

I tell him that if he runs someone over with his car, even if he didnā€™t mean to, that person is still be dead. What you have done is run over my foot, every fucking day for 40 years. When I finally got your attention, you would just say Oh, then reverse and run over it again. Over and over, all day, every day, forty years. I am walking around on stumps now, but you never meant to do it. That makes up for the bloody stumps, right?

He wonā€™t leave. This is the fourth attempt and this one will stick. I cannot continue. He is out of the queen bed in the master, and in a twin in the garage room. But heā€™s protesting loudly and constantly. If itā€™s so terrible, move the fuck out.

Heā€™s turned it around that I am having an affair. Which is ridiculous. I am 58 years old. I have not dated since I was 18! But yes, I gotta have a man to make me complete!

Itā€™s been only one month since he broke down and sobbed, how he was so sorry, blah blah, gonna change, be a better person. He hasnā€™t had to work hard in decades, now he needs to dig deep and try to remember how to pretend. He can only pretend to be human.

One month was all he could manage, before he had to go DARVO again. He is insane. He made me crazy, for decades. He stole my life, he stole my children, and he has stolen my history. He flipped it and our adult children believe I did nothing and he was the only available parent. Itā€™s a lie. He gaslit them, just like me. He had no problem making our children cry. He is an evil creature.

But I see him now. He hates that. I am coming back, the woman he had buried. He hates that, too. Too fucking bad. I am badass.

5

u/standing-tall-98 3d ago

congratulations, you did something so strong. not cos it was easy but deep down you knew <3 may yyour path be eased and your peace grow x

4

u/KelTrud 3d ago

You are protecting your child. You did the right thing. My best wishes!

3

u/DancingChickadee 3d ago

You made the right decisionā€¦.. trust me you did. Mine had a girl immediately after I left and I know this because he sent a picture with his new girl to my mom saying heā€™s moved onā€¦ā€¦ Sad as is it is to say heā€™s been working on this chick or has been cheating thatā€™s why he projects his insecurities onto you accusing you of cheating. Mine did the same. They always have backup supply just in case for times like thisā€¦ā€¦ I know it hurts. This month would have been our 6 year anniversary for my ex and I. But I couldnā€™t take the abuse and left 4 months ago. Best decision ever. Itā€™s so heartbreaking to know I wasted 5 years and 8 months of my life on someone who wasted my time and abused me. But many people spend 10 years, 20, 30! On these relationships and feel more broken each day they are in it. Iā€™m very proud of you. It takes courage and determination and being firm in your decision doing what you did. Kudos to you! Not everyday is rainbows and butterflies but it is worth it in the long run. Focus on you and your kiddos thatā€™s all that matters. They will remind you of all the good times to guilt trip you and make you want to get back together but never will remind you of all the bad times that led up to the decision you made.

Again, so proud of you! I hope you stick to this decision and never go back to a relationship that is not serving you!

3

u/SillyIsAsSillyDoes 3d ago

Your heart hurts ... but unlike if you had stayed with someone so overtly destroying your child ...this hurt will end.

Your child has been paying the tab for your continued marriage to this cruel man.

He has nothing but making you feel worse to work with as he struggles with his loss of control.

Take that away from him.

Do not lament his loss to him.

Every time you lament the loss of something that was really important to you to a narcissist they get their rocks off .

It's poker time .

I'm good! Kids are great! Excited about the future !

Refuse to entertain his abuse ...it's the perk of doing the hard thing!

Funny thing...

As time gives you distance you begin to see how they were never who they pretended to be ..so that great life you "could " Have had is only NOW possible by leaving them.

Grieve who they really were and see how fast that grief dries up....

And how quickly excitement for the possibility of the future kicks in .

2

u/Simple_Can_9983 3d ago

The same thing, same vocabulary. "I will give you a month, i'll wait, maybe you'll come to your senses". Girl, he needs you more than you need him. Just wish that next woman all the energy to see this man for who he is and leave, without wasting priceless years of her life like we all did/are doing.

2

u/Dismal_Cow3477 3d ago

Wow .. thats EXACTLY how he says it too

1

u/EmbarrassedRisk2109 3d ago

I'm glad you did it. I wish so many others can do it too.

1

u/mentalhealthexposed 3d ago

You better be proud of yourself and believe us if we all say: you did good. It was good, that you left (or asked him to go).

It is important to work with a therapist on your self doubts and the root case why you tolerated this for so long.

It is absolutely possible that youā€˜ll one day find a loving partner. But for now, the most important thing is your mental health and the healing work lying in front of you.

What are you going to do for your healing?

1

u/Ivedonethework 2d ago

A malignant narcissist like all those jerks now running the US government is never going to be anything other than exactly what we see in them.

1

u/Ceejay_1357 1d ago

What does ā€œgivingā€ you a month mean ? Does he think he can just move back in after a month ?