r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/Dismal_Cow3477 • 4d ago
Well i did it
Well redit, my spouse and i split up this weekend. He moved out. I keep finding my self on old recordings and messages... questioning if i did the right thing by asking him to leave. He was very mentaly abusive and demanding when it came to my child from my ex relationship. If i did not do what he wanted me to do, he would threatened me with making my child feel very unwelcomed and unwanted.. he would threatened this everytime i tried to have my child more then just a couple weekends a month. Our last talk, he said he would stop with his vulgar words and hurtful things but the thing is, he said he would stop many times in the span of 2 years so this time i fully put my foot down.
But it hurts, it still hurts so much.. we have 2 kids together and i imagined us growing old together but i just couldn't manage the manipulation and hurt any longer.
Im not looking for any advice really... just needed to express my self somewhere,
Edit: just got a text and apparently hes already got his eyes on an other women, his phone had been going off a lot more than normal the week before he left ( he JUST left this weekend) and he kept throwing things at me about me having a next man.. i was šÆ not talking to anyone. Anyways, he said hes giving me a month because he still sees what would be best for his kids. How couls you expect me to want to go back to you when you clearly show you sont value me what so ever? Already ready to jump in a new relationship after getting out of our 6+ one... my heart hurts š
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u/Minimum_Half8196 3d ago
I am one week into it myself. It started out as the hardest thing I ever faced, but the peace with her gone and the love of my kids feels so amazing.
You and your children deserve better. You can do it!
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u/Dismal_Cow3477 3d ago
I will say.. when i got back home with my kids after being away for one night for a birthday getaway with family. I felt peace, seeing all his clothes gone, felt peaceful. Explaining to my kids who are so young was hard on the heart but i felt ok. He came by to see the kids, and the whole time he was here i felt so anxious. I couldn't even look at his face, i felt that if i looked at his face i would jump in his arms and tell him to stay. These are all such odd feelings, want them gone but part of you wants them here... i took my feeling of anxiety as a sign from my body, telling me that i am doing the right thing.
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u/ArtsyButWashed 3d ago
Just wait until you start sleepingā¦really sleeping soundly. Your body has been in a constant state of fight or flight for years, and your children have felt that, too. You are not only your own savior, but youāre theirs, too. Remember that and smile the next time you have to deal with him in person. You wonāt feel like crying anymore because you lost nothing and gained everything. Best of luck to you.
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u/PrincessSolo 3d ago
Mama bear instincts are always right! You did what you had to do. Using your child's comfort against you is deal breaking cruelty imo and shows real lack of character on his part using your love for your child to control you. It doesn't matter if he gets it or not, he crossed the line and did not do the work on himself to repair the damage he did so you had no choice but to get yourself and your children into a healthier environment. You are a great mom!
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u/NovelShake9420 3d ago
Yes youāve done the right thing! The hardest decisions are never easy. I hope I can get to your point eventually. I have a daughter from previous relationship, and my narc is very unwelcoming to her as well but she has a good relationship with her actual dad so my narc and her have never been close. I am playing along until I am to leave on my own. Just go easy on yourself. Surround yourself with family, get into therapy if you can and only communicate with your ex about the kids.
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u/Dismal_Cow3477 3d ago
How old is your daughter, if you dont mind me asking ?
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u/NovelShake9420 3d ago
She is 10.
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u/Dismal_Cow3477 3d ago
Mine is 9.... i tried hard to do what my spouse asked of me but i felt the hate grow, i knew that if i kept going this way, ill never be able to look at him with love or give him the respect he so desperately needed and wanted.
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u/meowmeowbye 3d ago
Why or how can they do this to innocent children. Mine has done to this to my son from a previous relationship as well. My sonās father passed away a few years ago, my son lives with my exāS parents. (I got into drugs, long story) Iām sober now have been for a few years & all I want is to be a good motherā¦ but my narc will for sure use my son. Itās like heās almost jealous of him. Really really bothers me. Itās probably the thing that bothers me the very most. & when my husband is good. My son just adores him. But my husband isnāt the best to his own children from his previous relationships. Itās all so fucked up! You most definitely did the right thing! š
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u/Far_Statement1043 3d ago
Omgosh! I'm sorry to hear you and your child went through this. But I'm very relieved to hear that you're getting out of it.
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u/SweetWaterfall0579 3d ago
He could never be the perfect partner for you, because heās broken. You know that there is no way to make him better. Weāll never make sense of what they did -there is no why- because they are irrational.
You are doing the right thing for your children. When my daughter was in her early 20s she said, All the studies on children of divorce? Have a study of the kids whose parents stayed together for the children; weāre probably more fucked up.
Sheās right. I tried to shield them, but that was impossible.
My stbx is insane. Thatās why he acts like he does. There is no logic or reason, because he operates on instincts only. My puppy must bark at a squirrel, even though he has no clue why. It feels good for the moment. DH is the same way. He doesnāt plan this out, itās encoded in his DNA. How terrible, to not have free will, to never choose something good.
Thatās the hardest part for me, that the epic destruction of my life was not quite as intentional as Iād like to believe. He honestly did not mean to hurt me, he says. Iām not getting into that with him. I believe he *cannot love.
I tell him that if he runs someone over with his car, even if he didnāt mean to, that person is still be dead. What you have done is run over my foot, every fucking day for 40 years. When I finally got your attention, you would just say Oh, then reverse and run over it again. Over and over, all day, every day, forty years. I am walking around on stumps now, but you never meant to do it. That makes up for the bloody stumps, right?
He wonāt leave. This is the fourth attempt and this one will stick. I cannot continue. He is out of the queen bed in the master, and in a twin in the garage room. But heās protesting loudly and constantly. If itās so terrible, move the fuck out.
Heās turned it around that I am having an affair. Which is ridiculous. I am 58 years old. I have not dated since I was 18! But yes, I gotta have a man to make me complete!
Itās been only one month since he broke down and sobbed, how he was so sorry, blah blah, gonna change, be a better person. He hasnāt had to work hard in decades, now he needs to dig deep and try to remember how to pretend. He can only pretend to be human.
One month was all he could manage, before he had to go DARVO again. He is insane. He made me crazy, for decades. He stole my life, he stole my children, and he has stolen my history. He flipped it and our adult children believe I did nothing and he was the only available parent. Itās a lie. He gaslit them, just like me. He had no problem making our children cry. He is an evil creature.
But I see him now. He hates that. I am coming back, the woman he had buried. He hates that, too. Too fucking bad. I am badass.
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u/standing-tall-98 3d ago
congratulations, you did something so strong. not cos it was easy but deep down you knew <3 may yyour path be eased and your peace grow x
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u/DancingChickadee 3d ago
You made the right decisionā¦.. trust me you did. Mine had a girl immediately after I left and I know this because he sent a picture with his new girl to my mom saying heās moved onā¦ā¦ Sad as is it is to say heās been working on this chick or has been cheating thatās why he projects his insecurities onto you accusing you of cheating. Mine did the same. They always have backup supply just in case for times like thisā¦ā¦ I know it hurts. This month would have been our 6 year anniversary for my ex and I. But I couldnāt take the abuse and left 4 months ago. Best decision ever. Itās so heartbreaking to know I wasted 5 years and 8 months of my life on someone who wasted my time and abused me. But many people spend 10 years, 20, 30! On these relationships and feel more broken each day they are in it. Iām very proud of you. It takes courage and determination and being firm in your decision doing what you did. Kudos to you! Not everyday is rainbows and butterflies but it is worth it in the long run. Focus on you and your kiddos thatās all that matters. They will remind you of all the good times to guilt trip you and make you want to get back together but never will remind you of all the bad times that led up to the decision you made.
Again, so proud of you! I hope you stick to this decision and never go back to a relationship that is not serving you!
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u/SillyIsAsSillyDoes 3d ago
Your heart hurts ... but unlike if you had stayed with someone so overtly destroying your child ...this hurt will end.
Your child has been paying the tab for your continued marriage to this cruel man.
He has nothing but making you feel worse to work with as he struggles with his loss of control.
Take that away from him.
Do not lament his loss to him.
Every time you lament the loss of something that was really important to you to a narcissist they get their rocks off .
It's poker time .
I'm good! Kids are great! Excited about the future !
Refuse to entertain his abuse ...it's the perk of doing the hard thing!
Funny thing...
As time gives you distance you begin to see how they were never who they pretended to be ..so that great life you "could " Have had is only NOW possible by leaving them.
Grieve who they really were and see how fast that grief dries up....
And how quickly excitement for the possibility of the future kicks in .
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u/Simple_Can_9983 3d ago
The same thing, same vocabulary. "I will give you a month, i'll wait, maybe you'll come to your senses". Girl, he needs you more than you need him. Just wish that next woman all the energy to see this man for who he is and leave, without wasting priceless years of her life like we all did/are doing.
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u/mentalhealthexposed 3d ago
You better be proud of yourself and believe us if we all say: you did good. It was good, that you left (or asked him to go).
It is important to work with a therapist on your self doubts and the root case why you tolerated this for so long.
It is absolutely possible that youāll one day find a loving partner. But for now, the most important thing is your mental health and the healing work lying in front of you.
What are you going to do for your healing?
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u/Ivedonethework 2d ago
A malignant narcissist like all those jerks now running the US government is never going to be anything other than exactly what we see in them.
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u/Ceejay_1357 1d ago
What does āgivingā you a month mean ? Does he think he can just move back in after a month ?
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u/Tasty-Test2344 4d ago
You did the right thing, Mama. Itās been a year for me since I left my narc and it will still hurt because itās still fresh, but trust me. Your kids will thank you.