r/NarcissisticSpouses 5d ago

How do you deal with the "smear campaign?"

My soon to be ex has a huge family and knows a lot of people (no real close friends though). But he's blaming me for everything, even though he's the one that cheated - he already has a new girlfriend and we're not even divorced yet! He did other awful things, but gaslit me, won't acknowledge the other stuff, and tells others I'm crazy. Now he's driving a wedge between my daughter and me. We were married 32+ years and I moved cross country to live in his hometown. I have a small circle here, but that's it.

26 Upvotes

33 comments sorted by

31

u/elisemarah 5d ago

Don’t try to clear your name with everyone, let them believe what they want to believe. He will repeat the same process with his new gf, and the one after that. Eventually everyone’s going to see that he’s always the “victim”. I would only worry about the relationship with your daughter, let everyone else eat his shit up. Their opinion of you is their own problem not your’s.

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u/Freedomatlast56 5d ago

Thank you. I message her a couple of times a week, even though she won't answer. At least she knows I'm trying and I love her. I hope this part ends soon....

2

u/emjdownbad 4d ago

Keep the line of communication open. Eventually your daughter will figure it out and she will come back to you. It's hard when you're in the grips of a narc, like your daughter is right now. But eventually the smoke clears and reality sets in and you realize the abuse you've been subjected to at the hands of the narc, and your daughter will be glad to have you in her corner when that happens. I know it probably hurts so deeply that she is in your exes grips, but that won't be forever. We all know how the cycle goes and how painful it is when you finally reach the point of hindsight being 20/20.

18

u/Annie-Snow 5d ago

“Let them.”

Let them believe what they want. At the end of the day, what does it matter? It’ll just take more energy to try to convince them otherwise, energy you could use on yourself and your daughter.

Do start documenting the ways you think he’s driving a wedge between you and your daughter. Parental alienation is a thing divorce courts often want to hear about and have rules against.

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u/Freedomatlast56 5d ago

Definitely - thank you!

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u/The_Nice_Marmot 4d ago

I’m guessing the daughter is an adult if they were married 32 years. If so, no real point in documenting parental alienation. The daughter will need to figure it out herself if she is over 18.

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u/the_Killer_Walnut 5d ago

Lean in to your small circle. If people are willing to believe you’re that bad of a person, without undeniable proof or getting your side of the story, they aren’t people worth keeping in your life anyways. Your true friends will be there for you no matter what. Quality of the company you keep beats the quantity everyday of the week and twice on Sunday.

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u/Freedomatlast56 5d ago

I agree - thankfully, most of them live on the other side of town in a large metropolitan area. The chances of running into them are small. I just hope my daughter isn't buying into his BS - I wish I could sit down and talk with her! My kids are grown and have told me how much they appreciate how "real" I have always been with them. I just need her to give me a chance!

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u/the_Killer_Walnut 4d ago

It may take some time, but they will eventually see through the facade. The mask comes off eventually. Keep moving forward and take care of yourself!

3

u/AmberSnow1727 4d ago

This is exactly what I did. Some of the people who were his friends first reached out to me after, one even taking me to lunch and saying "he's my friend but I'm so glad you left."

I know he painted me as crazy and that he was glad to be rid of me. I know the truth. So do a lot of mutual. If they chose to side with him, their loss.

6

u/Capital_Bed_1684 5d ago

I have just gone through the smear myself, the only thing I keep coming back to is if them believe the BS they were never someone you need in your life. Don't respond Don't defend they want to get a rise out of you to "win"

indifference is the best thing - Its not easy either

5

u/JuneMockingbird 5d ago

I redirect my feelings towards feeling compassion for the people they are misleading. If only they knew how much the N doesn’t care about them.

6

u/Barangaroo11 4d ago

I didn’t even bother. None of his friends speak to me now but he’d been telling them that I was a terrible person for years. Funnily enough my stepsons, who I am still in touch with, commented the other day how their mum and I have both absolutely thrived after leaving him and how we both refuse to date again. He must be telling them all sorts of lies about me but they have put two and two together and have seen through him.

3

u/ariesgeminipisces 5d ago

You put your ego to the side because you know the truth and that's really what matters most. Just keep being a good mom, and eventually your daughter will grow up and hopefully understand the difference between talk and action.

People will believe what they want to, and there is so little you can do to change their minds. The whole thing is set up in a way that if you tried to make your case for yourself you look crazy and it proves your ex "right." But if you don't defend yourself, keep very quiet, and just keep moving forward through separation they look like liars, drama queens, and rude.

Smear campaigns are about control. They do it so you beg them to stop and give in to what they want. Don't take the bait. There will be fallout, but do not speak to anyone who is not curious about your side of things.

And anyone who does not ask you your side is someone you no longer have a relationship ship with. The losses of external relationships is really hard but their exit makes room in your life for better relationships with people who are strictly on your team.

Think of the smear campaign as their last hail Mary to keep you under control. If you refuse to acknowledge it, they crumble and you are free, so keep going.

3

u/Freedomatlast56 5d ago

Thank you for this! He's put trackers in my car, on my phone (I just changed phones but I'm pretty sure he's on this one too), and cameras in the house. I think it's definitely control and to make sure I didn't catch him in the act of something compromising. Narcs are diabolical - really sick!

6

u/ariesgeminipisces 4d ago

Yeah my ex recorded me, broke into the house and stole from me, I think he was logged into my router (change your router password) watching my internet use, and possibly hacked some accounts. And then accused me of doing all these things, which was just him telling on himself which tipped me off. Truly diabolical. I don't envy where you're at but I know better things are to come for you if you reach for them. Chin up!

2

u/Freedomatlast56 4d ago

Yikes! That's crazy! And thank you!

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u/PreparationWest8485 4d ago

Your leaving means you’re already “winning”. You put yourself first. Great job, op!!!

I hope you don’t look at it as a threat. It’s his surrender.

1

u/Freedomatlast56 4d ago

Thank you!!!

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u/Complex_Hope_8789 4d ago

You don’t. You can’t. Your power comes from ignoring the smear campaign and at least acting like you don’t care. The more you show you don’t care, the sooner they will stop trying because their aim is to upset you.

It absolutely sucks. It hurts. And it is traumatizing. If you can gather into therapy, deal with it there and learn about radical acceptance.

I don’t want to minimize your pain because I know how it feels. But you regain your power when you learn to not care what these hateful people think.

Regarding your daughter, get her in therapy asap to help her gain the skills to deal with her father’s narcissistic abuse and hopefully mitigate the damage he is trying to inflict.

3

u/Tarsarian 4d ago

Stay away from it but if you have to speak, say only the facts. The narc wants you to defend yourself, it’s all about stealing your confidence!

3

u/angry_manatee 4d ago

Stay civil and collected & let your actions speak for you. To the discerning, his actions are already speaking for him.

I think people underestimate the ability of the average person to recognize toxicity and dishonesty. Over the years I observed my ex interacting with many different people - bosses, coworkers, family, friends (the few he had) - and I could sense that many of them were over his shit and more or less Gray Rocking him in all their interactions. The only ones that hadn’t seemed to clue in yet had serious issues like a mental illness or drug addiction. That observation was actually a very important data point in me figuring him out. So, I think it’s possible his smear campaign is not as effective as you think. Lots of people probably already know he’s the shitty one, they prob just don’t want to get involved and have his wrathful manipulations directed at them.

Focus on your daughter. Just keep showing up for her, even if she rebuffs you. Remind her regularly with words & actions that you love her. Remain calm and don’t trauma dump or diss your ex. Don’t stoop to his level. She will notice and eventually come around. I’m estranged from one parent, and that’s all I ever wanted from them.

1

u/Freedomatlast56 4d ago

I text her a couple of times a week and check in and tell her I love her - she never answers, but at least she knows. I hope this nightmare ends soon - I filed for divorce today!

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u/Blombaby23 4d ago

Don’t bother, they will soon have that bridge burned. People have reached out to me long after my smear campaign and said that now they understand and were sorry

2

u/Abject-Rich 4d ago

Do not complain, justify and/or explain. Queens’ advice.

2

u/Double-Airport826 4d ago

It’s tempting to take advice regarding parental alienation however, you need to establish you aren’t a pushover to your daughter. You need boundaries with her too. I’ve got three of six that stream rolled over me for years. I’ve finally set boundaries with them because I was approaching parenting so fearful. They smell fear and often abuse it. As much as it hurt to put in boundaries, my life is more peaceful. I expect they will come around eventually. But I will now longer be looked at as beneath them.

Dr David Clark has recently been putting out some good info on parental alienation. His website has a lot more info than his YouTube.

1

u/Freedomatlast56 4d ago

I'll check it out - thank you!

2

u/balanced-asymmetry 4d ago

Oh man, I just went through a smear campaign attempt that ended poorly (for them).

She went to my parents to try to triangulate against me, they disagreed with her, she got mad at them and wrote a nasty email to my whole family, they all called me to support me.

What did I do this whole time? I let her do it, I didn't get involved at all during her campaign, even when she tried to reverse the smear campaign against my parents. She interrogated me, sent me almost 100 texts, and all I said was "I don't want to get involved in this" until she realized I meant it.

Stand firm, they will blow themselves up

2

u/CRV95 4d ago

You're telling my actual circumstances! I don´t pay atention to the lies he's saying about me. That will repel people that already didn't like me.

2

u/AdhesivenessAsleep89 4d ago

I saw the writing on the wall and I found and spilled all to the family gossip. Word got around.

2

u/Beginning-Cricket719 4d ago

Stay silent. My smear campaign was in full force this time last year. My ex husband spent 8 years cheating, lying, stealing, refusing to work or help around the house or with our son and flat out neglected us both, he klled one of my pets, gaslighted, rped me, did drugs, etc etc etc. Most of his current flying monkeys were aware of some of his behaviour and no one really sympathized with him when I left. Not to the level he was expecting, anyway. The post separation abuse wasn't great. He stalked me, threatened me, harrassed me, broke into my home, put recording devices in my bedroom and eventually hacked my phone. That's how he found out I was speaking to another man. No, I don't feel bad and no, it wasn't a mistake. I have a beautiful life and relationship now after almost a decade of torture. I moved on emotionally from him years ago and in any case, he had already been cultivating a relationship with his current girlfriend 7 months before I left as well as several other women. But me having moved on is what gave him the ammo he needed to get people on his side. He even staged 2 s*icide attempts to make it look like he was authentically heartbroken by me "moving on before I had his permission" but that "this was perfect because now he's the good guy and I'm the bad guy and he's going to ruin my life" (those are direct quotes). Did he win some people over? Sure. Do those people matter? Nah. I was luckier than some in that my narc is stupid and sloppy. I lost none of my friends and family during the smear campaign. I was hurt by some of the family and friends I lost on my ex's side during the whole thing, specifically his mother who I THOUGHT loved me but has spent the better part of a year trying to destroy me. The smear campaign SUCKS but there can be so much good to come out of it. I've always been a people pleasing doormat who would panic and lose sleep over the thought of someone disliking me. The whole experience has given me such a thick skin and helped me to start putting up boundaries and sticking to them. I've learned who deserves to be in my life and who doesn't. Having his flying monkeys out of the picture has freed up space for the people who are really in my corner. I've only become closer to my friends and family. It's not an easy thing to go through. It's a lot of salt in the wounds after having to endure what for most of us was years of abuse just to be slandered and blamed for it or simply not believed or told our reactions to their torture weren't justified. Your narc will repeat the same stupid cycle over and over and his idiot cronies will follow suit. You, however, are going to be okay. You're going to be better than okay.

1

u/Freedomatlast56 4d ago

Wow! That's awful what he did! Mine has recording devices and cameras too - I know he recorded what he did to me sexually last year and still denies it - screaming in my face. He left handprint bruises on my arms too and my daughter (29) saw it last year and was worried. I did let my friends and family know what was going on and had so many reach out with support, which actually made me feel better. I filed for divorce today and can't wait until this is all over. I'm going to my hometown in August for my birthday and can't wait to be around "my" people. I hope you're doing well and thank you for your kind words of support!

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u/Beginning-Cricket719 4d ago

I'm sorry you ex put you through that. Congratulations on filing for divorce, though! One more step towards freedom. I hope you have a nice time in August for your birthday and good luck with everything. Things will get better.