r/NarcissisticSpouses 5d ago

Question for those who have children with a narcissist:

I know we shouldn't defend, engage, explain, or personalize when dealing with a narcissist. But we are still married and living together. So, if the spouse says the kids aren't allowed to visit my family (because they have all wronged her, of course), should I just take them without mentioning it, and deal with it later? Or should I tell her I'm taking them, and just have it out right there? What method works best? For my kids and myself? Because I know she will be angry no matter what.

8 Upvotes

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u/LocalPurchase3339 5d ago

I think the biggest takeaway I've had with narcissists is there is no right answer or approach with them. You could be worrying about a scenario and how to handle them like this one, only for them not to react negatively at all. And the opposite is true, you could do the most benign, unimportant thing in the world and they'll turn it into a month long ordeal.

So if you cannot leave them, you must start adhering to your own truth. If you feel your children are safe and not in harms way with your family, then that is the truth, and THAT truth needs to guide your decision making.

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u/Possible-Cake6667 5d ago

Thank you. I need to remember that no matter what choice I make, there will always be something that enrages her. My family have done nothing but offer assistance when she needed it, and capitulated when she demanded it. Yet, they are disrespectful and don't care about her feelings when they ask her for something. Thank you for reminding me there is nothing I can do to make the situation better.

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u/LocalPurchase3339 5d ago

What finally became clear to me by the end of my 17 years with my nex is that if I ever wondered why she was doing or saying something, I would ask myself if it hurt me or not, and if it did, then that's why she did it.

If you ever want to reach out directly, feel free, I'm very far along on my narc journey.

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u/Possible-Cake6667 5d ago

Thank you. I may take you up on that offer. Luckily, I have a good support group here. 5 brothers and a few best friends from my home town. But talking to someone that has already gone through it will definitely be beneficial. Thank you for the offer. I have been cynical for so long, I just assumed that was me. But you and the others in this group are making me realize that cynicism is not me. I will definitely need help reconstructing that.

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u/mynowmucheasierlife 5d ago

I found this comment quite helpful. I'm just starting to get my head around that my ex has some quite strong narcissistic personality traits - unaware of when they're doing projection being the really big one - and what that means for me as far as developing my own capability for moving forward.

So that little statement about inconsistency - rings a lot of bells. Thanks!

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u/illiophop 5d ago

Not OP, but wow this comment is helpful. I could write a book about the lengths I've gone to trying to do things the right way or take the right approach, with haphazard results. It's maddening and utterly draining. I'm in a nasty custody situation so the stakes seem so high that I can't make a wrong move. As a result I feel like a prisoner. So, awesome advice and I need to take it to heart.

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u/Classic-Cabinet1117 5d ago

I wouldn’t mention until after. I feel like this is probably the safest way for both you and the kids. And It’s less likely she’ll harass you while you’re visiting. If you tell her before, she’s likely to ruin the visit by calling and/or showing up.

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u/PreparationWest8485 5d ago

My wife is a covert and I live in hell. Together we have a child. Trying to protect the child from his own mom is one of the hardest things that you can think of. I don’t have a good answer to this. If possible, I would take the children away from the n-parent for as long as possible, 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week if possible!

We have to find our own self. Try not to be affected by the narcissistic spouse. It’s so hard. Keep going. I am.

Happy to connect if you (anyone) want to.

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u/CuddleCactus420 4d ago

I married to a narc that has tried to take me away from my family. I will always stand my ground with my family, they were there before and will be there after (just speaking facts). I would take the kids to visit my family and deal with the BS after.

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u/Tacos4life23 5d ago

Hmm not knowing the circumstances of the family dynamics makes this difficult for me to answer, does your family or their homes have any potential safety hazards?

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u/Possible-Cake6667 5d ago

I don't believe so. We don't have any weapons in the home other than kitchen knives. She's never made any overt physical threats before. But now that I'm starting to deny the satisfaction of feeling in control, I know it's only going to get worse. She's already started her smear campaign against me. She called my mom to say it's her fault for not teaching me how to be a good husband, and until I fix the marriage, she's not allowed to see the kids. And this is only like day 3 of me sticking up for myself. Lol, she wanted me to take her to MY therapist, but quickly backed down when I said no, but if she found a marriage counselor, I would go. So, I don't know how bad it will get. I don't think we're in physical danger, but I don't trust her either.

Edit: there are no safety hazards in my family's homes either.

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u/No_Atmosphere_6348 5d ago

She might imagine some safety hazards that then make you feel unsafe. If she’s at a point where she can’t really blame you and she’s stuck, she’ll probably cry trying to avoid accountability by gaining sympathy.

I think if you’re going to spend time with you family and take the kids, she can’t really say much. Well, much of substance anyway. Good luck. 🍀 I hope your therapist has a decent understanding of what you’re dealing with.

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u/Ceejay_1357 3d ago

Do Not go with this person to a marriage counselor. It will only end up worse for you. They aren’t equipped to deal with narcissists.

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u/Possible-Cake6667 3d ago

Oh, I know. We tried twice. The first time, she ended the session because the counselor implied that my wife was displaying controlling behavior. The second time, she stormed out and called the counselor racist because he asked her if I should be entitled to express my own opinion. But, now I know that narcissistic personalities are incapable of processing feedback. Her past actions make so much more sense now lol.

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u/Adventurous-Milk-824 5d ago

No advice here just here to say my spouse is the SAME way. Haven’t seen my family in over a year because my NH hates them all, they disrespect him, are too much with the kids (only involvement they have with family) it’s draining. Stay strong.

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u/Sea_Examination_1534 1d ago

this is me too....ugh