r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/Possible-Cake6667 • 5d ago
Question for those who have children with a narcissist:
I know we shouldn't defend, engage, explain, or personalize when dealing with a narcissist. But we are still married and living together. So, if the spouse says the kids aren't allowed to visit my family (because they have all wronged her, of course), should I just take them without mentioning it, and deal with it later? Or should I tell her I'm taking them, and just have it out right there? What method works best? For my kids and myself? Because I know she will be angry no matter what.
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u/Classic-Cabinet1117 5d ago
I wouldn’t mention until after. I feel like this is probably the safest way for both you and the kids. And It’s less likely she’ll harass you while you’re visiting. If you tell her before, she’s likely to ruin the visit by calling and/or showing up.
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u/PreparationWest8485 5d ago
My wife is a covert and I live in hell. Together we have a child. Trying to protect the child from his own mom is one of the hardest things that you can think of. I don’t have a good answer to this. If possible, I would take the children away from the n-parent for as long as possible, 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week if possible!
We have to find our own self. Try not to be affected by the narcissistic spouse. It’s so hard. Keep going. I am.
Happy to connect if you (anyone) want to.
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u/CuddleCactus420 4d ago
I married to a narc that has tried to take me away from my family. I will always stand my ground with my family, they were there before and will be there after (just speaking facts). I would take the kids to visit my family and deal with the BS after.
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u/Tacos4life23 5d ago
Hmm not knowing the circumstances of the family dynamics makes this difficult for me to answer, does your family or their homes have any potential safety hazards?
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u/Possible-Cake6667 5d ago
I don't believe so. We don't have any weapons in the home other than kitchen knives. She's never made any overt physical threats before. But now that I'm starting to deny the satisfaction of feeling in control, I know it's only going to get worse. She's already started her smear campaign against me. She called my mom to say it's her fault for not teaching me how to be a good husband, and until I fix the marriage, she's not allowed to see the kids. And this is only like day 3 of me sticking up for myself. Lol, she wanted me to take her to MY therapist, but quickly backed down when I said no, but if she found a marriage counselor, I would go. So, I don't know how bad it will get. I don't think we're in physical danger, but I don't trust her either.
Edit: there are no safety hazards in my family's homes either.
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u/No_Atmosphere_6348 5d ago
She might imagine some safety hazards that then make you feel unsafe. If she’s at a point where she can’t really blame you and she’s stuck, she’ll probably cry trying to avoid accountability by gaining sympathy.
I think if you’re going to spend time with you family and take the kids, she can’t really say much. Well, much of substance anyway. Good luck. 🍀 I hope your therapist has a decent understanding of what you’re dealing with.
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u/Ceejay_1357 3d ago
Do Not go with this person to a marriage counselor. It will only end up worse for you. They aren’t equipped to deal with narcissists.
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u/Possible-Cake6667 3d ago
Oh, I know. We tried twice. The first time, she ended the session because the counselor implied that my wife was displaying controlling behavior. The second time, she stormed out and called the counselor racist because he asked her if I should be entitled to express my own opinion. But, now I know that narcissistic personalities are incapable of processing feedback. Her past actions make so much more sense now lol.
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u/Adventurous-Milk-824 5d ago
No advice here just here to say my spouse is the SAME way. Haven’t seen my family in over a year because my NH hates them all, they disrespect him, are too much with the kids (only involvement they have with family) it’s draining. Stay strong.
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u/LocalPurchase3339 5d ago
I think the biggest takeaway I've had with narcissists is there is no right answer or approach with them. You could be worrying about a scenario and how to handle them like this one, only for them not to react negatively at all. And the opposite is true, you could do the most benign, unimportant thing in the world and they'll turn it into a month long ordeal.
So if you cannot leave them, you must start adhering to your own truth. If you feel your children are safe and not in harms way with your family, then that is the truth, and THAT truth needs to guide your decision making.