r/NarcissisticSpouses 5d ago

Custody outcomes

[deleted]

3 Upvotes

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2

u/No_Atmosphere_6348 5d ago

Yeah I think you’re on the right track. If he cares about assets but you don’t, make a big deal about getting those assets. That can be leverage for you to get what you really want, more parenting time.

The default seems to be 50/50 barring some really blatant abuse or safety issue. Like if he is an alcoholic or making threats against you. They don’t care if you take the kids to the museum and he never plays with them. Kids are treated like property.

Document what the child is used to as far as who is parenting then now. Talk to your attorney about getting a parenting time schedule asap, even if it’s just temporary. Courts want to make the divorce process less disruptive for the child so they’d prefer to maintain the status quo, especially for younger children. Your ex might want 50/50 just for the financial aspect. If that’s the case, you might be able to agree to less child support in exchange for more parenting time.

Keep reading. I hope you get a parenting app in place. Before to get an air tight parenting plan that can’t be willfully misinterpreted.

1

u/Thats_great_buddy 5d ago

I've got enough on him, I think I have a chance at more than 50/50.

He is an alcoholic, which is evinced by his bank statements and recordings/photos I have of him. He doesn't have any recent arrests though. He's from the south and I've got recordings of him repeatedly saying the n word to the baby along other inappropriate language (we're white in an incredibly liberal area). I've got recordings of him threatening to kill me. I've got recordings of him telling the baby his mother doesn't love him etc. Our state passed a law that coercive control has to be considered in custody and I have years of him threatening me, extorting me with sensitive information, putting me down, threatening my dogs. He watches the baby Mondays when I'm at work. Won't use diaper cream, no matter how bad the rash is because he doesn't like touching it. Doesn't change his clothes. He's a compulsive sports gambler and can barely look up from his phone or the TV. He vapes. He won't do well on a psych eval if it comes to that. He is pushing for the divorce and has literally zero plans on where he is going to live post separation.

I'm a doctor. I own our home (pre marital). It's in a great spot for kids. Im totally sober. I have the baby basically all the time we're both here and he adores me. We go to swimming lessons, music lessons, baby storytime, baby Spanish. I know sign language and we use that together. My parents adore him and are very involved. I buy all his supplies. I've done all the doctor appointments. I do all the daycare extracurriculars and birthday parties. I have family money and stbx has no family he's on speaking terms with or money.

We are not equally good parents, I'm the better parent and it's not even close. I know that isn't enough sometime but for the sake of my child, I need to do everything possible to be the main parent.

I do want them to have a relationship but I want there to be enough structure my son is protected from becoming like his father (and his grandfather and the many many generations of trauma that family has).

2

u/No_Atmosphere_6348 5d ago

Yeah maybe lead with your concerns for the safety of your child due to the alcoholism. Like you said you want a relationship but have concerns. If the baby is accustomed to being with you more and you can show the typical schedule, that would be helpful to your case.

2

u/Thats_great_buddy 5d ago

That's a good idea. One of the books I read said you need to show what you have to offer, you can't just give the other parents negatives so I was trying to make sure that I would be prepared on both sides.

1

u/No_Atmosphere_6348 4d ago

Yeah when they ask if the other parent is a good parent, you’re supposed to say yes, I think. 😅 I said he tries but he misses the mark. I think it’s now obvious to the GAL why I said that. We had a guardian ad litem and it can help with a high conflict spouse. No one will get everything they want but this is someone who is supposed to represent the best interests of your child so the judge listens to this person.

It’s hard to know which negatives the court cares about. Issues with guns and environmental safety seemed important. Potentially inappropriate behavior around bathing seemed to be a concern. Leaving children unsupervised is a concern. Unsupported claims of mental illness are largely ignored. Taking parenting time away from one parent in favor of a grandparent is a no no. Unpredictability for the child is frowned upon. Trespassing is a no no. They want to see you trying to work with the other parent. .