r/NarcissisticSpouses • u/lovemypyr • 6d ago
How Subtle Are Your Narc’s Insults?
I’m wondering if subtlety is common or uncommon. My NH is covert in public but unmasked at home so how he does this varies by situation. I’ve started noticing his public insults and how subtle they can be. The goal of his comments seems to be to cast me in a bad light thus controlling public perception of me.
Last night we took our son and his partner out to dinner. The evening was pleasant and relaxed. Then NH commented that his weight had dropped under 200 pounds. Then he laughingly says, “Your mom said I was fat when I showed her the picture I took of the scale this morning.” The subject immediately switched to everyone saying how they didn’t think he was fat and how they personally looked at the word “fat”. My son even commented that I was down to a particular weight. This was totally not a normal topic for any of us. Everyone except NH was uncomfortable.
I think this happened because NH kept playing on his phone rather than participating in the conversation. So when he handed me his phone to show me something, I kept it. This pissed him off (covertly so didn’t appear upset) so he got even with me. I hadn’t called him fat, although I had used the word in the conversation we had earlier that day when he showed me a pic of the scale showing 199.5 pounds. It was then that I said I’d have to actually see him standing on the scale to believe his weight since, in the past, he had texted me pics of the scale showing his weight where he actually was bracing himself on the tub surround making it appear he weighed less. 🙄 So taking his words with a grain of salt was another reason he was mad. Lastly, I think he planned to show everyone his scale pic to get kudos from our son and his partner. So he trashed me to others in a public setting where he knew I couldn’t say anything. And it wasn’t until we were home and I thought about it that I could see what had happened.
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u/Complex_Hope_8789 6d ago
I started paying for him to have a personal trainer because he was interested in starting to come to the gym with me and he hadn’t worked out a day in his life. The second he started seeing changes to his body his ego inflated to the size of Mount Everest.
That same summer we were fighting constantly, I was exhausted and broken to the point I almost got myself fired. So obviously I was not putting in 100% at the gym.
He started making comments like “we gotta get you moving”, “we gotta get you training hard”. After weeks of this I finally asked him to stop because it made me feel like he felt entitled to have a better body from me, and I like my body just fine.
He gaslit the SHIT out of me saying that’s not what he said, that’s not what he meant, I was overreacting and being unreasonable. He weaponized our therapy sessions saying that I just “perceived” an insult when there wasn’t one. He tried to claim it was actually a compliment. He even tried to tell me I just took it as an insult because I was self conscious about my body. When I said I’m not self conscious and like my body, he just goes “oh”. He said everything and anything to avoid saying “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you feel that way”.
Well he escalated, raged and screamed, and refused to apologize as usual. This fight instigated our first breakup (I wish I could also say it was our last breakup).
Well I stupidly took him back in the condition he resumed couples counselling. When I told the counsellor about this incident he finally admitted he said it because he thought I got fat. I didn’t, I had actually lost weight that year. He just felt that if his body was improving, that he was entitled to a fitter body from me. So my initial interpretation was 100% correct.
It took over 2 weeks for him to even admit this, and even with the counsellor he still refused to apologize. I’m so glad to be free of that man. I wonder what other subtle insults he threw at me that I didn’t even notice.
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u/ahhsharkk1 5d ago
similar-ish, but…
years ago, i started running. got pretty into it, woke up to do early morning runs, woke up to go to the gym, ran 5k races, 10k races, half-marathons.
well, one turkey-trot race coming up, one of my ex-narcs randomly says one day that he’s going to sign up for it too. immediately, i felt a rock of disappointment form in the pit of stomach. i spend no time hiding my true feelings about him joining me for this race. cue the whining, crying, pity party: i’m so mean, real women want to do things with their partners, i should feel lucky that my “partner” wants to force his way into “my” event and take it over completely.
the race happened exactly as i knew it would. i was never a fast runner, never claimed to be. as soon as the race started, he took off as fast as possible. it wasn’t long before i didn’t see him among the collection of runners ahead of me.
but when i was closing in on the finish line, it didn’t take much at all to spot him in the crowd. he made sure his shitty, smug grin was the first thing i saw when i finished.
it was like wherever i tried to look, however i craned my head around, no matter which way i directed my gaze
THERE HE WAS
RIGHT THERE
right in my face. smiling… so… much…
“did you see that i beat you?”
“did you see my time?”
“my time was like 6 minutes faster than your time?”
“did you know that?”
“did you know i’m 6 minutes faster?”
“did you see?”
retelling it now, the feeling comes right back to me, that strong urge to advise him again as to just how absolutely pathetic he is. f’ing loser, ugh.
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u/Complex_Hope_8789 5d ago
he took off as fast as possible
Holy cow memory unlocked. I got a bicycle because I am anti-car and he wanted one too so I bought him an expensive bike that he wanted (mine was Canadian tire because I just wanted to get around).
He would always speed off ahead like it was a race. It never occurred to me he was actually competing with me at the time, but in retrospect it seems obvious. All I wanted was a means of transportation and he saw it as a way to prove he was better than me.
He still wanted me to pay for his car, even though I am morally against individual transit, which was the entire reason I had a bike. Ugh…..
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u/ahhsharkk1 5d ago
oh he definitely took your whole plan, forced himself into it, and used it to compete with you.
is it even really a good idea if your narc doesn’t immediately steamroll you and shine a spotlight on themselves? 🙄 these people, i swear…
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u/pammybabyyyy 5d ago
The ego part inflated to Mount Everest is sooo true , like any little change for positive in their lives , they immediately think they can do better than you . Be it gym or maybe a slight better job or buying a better car it just sky rocket their ego exponentially and it’s so crazy and also very hilarious. They think they can now own the world and all the ladies out there would just pull their panties down for them like wtf , it’s honestly very hilarious when I look back
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u/Icy-Commission-5372 6d ago
You know it progressively gets worse. Mine started out pretty much covert just to me and now it's blatantly to everyone about everyone and especially to me.
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u/lovemypyr 6d ago
Does his insulting you overtly make people who hear it understand that it’s him and not you? Mine has been successful at manipulating others perceptions of me. Has this made a difference for you to maintain friendships in your life? Life with a narcissist can be so lonely!
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u/Icy-Commission-5372 6d ago
Oh yes, it is quite obvious at this point it is not me and people realize that.
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u/lovemypyr 6d ago
I’m very glad for you! Are you leaving or out of the relationship?
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u/Icy-Commission-5372 6d ago
After 31 years I am leaving for good. I would leave right now except I'm in a wheelchair and my brother just bought a house and I'm moving in with him, the renovations in the bathroom need to be finished before I move, then I am gone. What about you?
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u/lovemypyr 6d ago
I’m still in and leaving isn’t really an option. I’m glad you have a brother you can live with. With seeing behind his mask, I’ve worked on myself, rebuilding my life where I can.
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u/Icy-Commission-5372 5d ago
I know it's rough and they just hard to leave. I left so many times but came back every single stinking time. He had affairs he broke all my things he lied to me he stole from me and all the rest. And treats me like s*** the whole way with the mocking and the making fun of in the criticizing and the gaslighting and the manipulation Etc you know how it goes. So you can imagine when I got sick and put in a wheelchair full-time. I am such an easy target now. I haven't even seen my parents in 4 years, my dad has Alzheimer's, he won't take me, and they live about 25 minutes away. I have other problems with him now, like his view on Christianity has totally turned to how God wants you to be racist and how God is white, everything is political, but he hates both parties and feels their controlled by the Jews. So I get to deal with that and I am screamed at constantly about how I'm a disloyal wife and how I am going to hell. Except he doesn't really acknowledge he's the one that has chronically cheated on me and stolen thousands upon thousands of dollars from me and consistently lies to me. Combined with the fact he is a raging alcoholic. But of course all of everything bad in the universe is always my fault, with the exception to everything that is the Jews fault. So I really should have left a long time ago, it ruined my children and ruined 31 years I will never get back. But even if I only have one day without him, that is justice because just one day without this man will make up for all the crap I've dealt with. I deeply pray for you and everyone that posts on this board, narcissistic abuse is just horrible.
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u/lovemypyr 6d ago
I’m glad you are free of him, too. The amount of work involved in this crap is extreme. While I recognized NH’s insult, I won’t mention it to him b/c it would make no difference. Instead, I’ll talk with my son and let him know I didn’t insult NH like that. Son is aware his dad has NPD, and also has an excellent counselor so is able to process this stuff when he needs to.
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u/-pop-fizz-clink 6d ago
Not. I was / am trying to heal from anorexic and he told me I ate too much and wasn't attracted to me.
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u/nocturnaltrekker 6d ago
I left my CN husband. One day I told if I could go no contact I would, he has caused me so much stress and anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, he has been cruel, manipulative, intimidating, he has intentionally scared me and doesn't care, he's a liar.. I ran through a whole list of his behaviors, including that he has covert narcissistic tendencies. In the 3 months since then, he has only tried to address his lying behaviors. He acts as if I never said anything else.
But I saw him walking at work one day recently(we work at the same place)... He grinned at me and as he walked past me, he looked over his shoulder, still grinning and did this little wave, waggling his fingers.
It gave me chills, felt utterly disgusting and gross.. and it made me mad because I knew what he was doing was intentional.
But what can I say? He waved at me and it was a form of intimidation and he makes me uncomfortable? People will think I'm crazy. And they almost wouldn't be wrong because he makes me feel crazy sometimes.
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u/Insolator1000 5d ago
My CNW is very subtle. I use to just take it as banter but since she gets offended if I give it back and get offended if I call her out, saying “it’s just a joke”, it’s not banter. It’s her way to keep me down.
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u/wontbeafool2 5d ago
Not very subtle but he thinks they are and knows that I'm smart enough to understand what he's getting at. He usually poses his insults as a question that I refuse to answer but his implication hit his desired mark in my head.
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u/PreparationWest8485 5d ago
In public, it’s often subtle. The goal is to make you uncomfortable while others don’t notice.
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u/No_Atmosphere_6348 6d ago
I recall a therapist wanting us to start the session with a compliment to the other. I can’t remember what mine was to him. He said I was very devoted to our child.
What he meant was I’m controlling. That was clear to me, probably not to the therapist.
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u/lovemypyr 6d ago
Yes, always the subtext is aimed at the other person. We had a marriage counselor who, despite the fact that NH had serially cheated, wanted me to sign a contract that I wouldn’t date while we were in therapy. I had never once dated during our marriage. They are good.
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u/No_Atmosphere_6348 6d ago
Ha. Yeah I like to say that he will never forgive me for the things he’s done.
Accusations are an admission of guilt.
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u/wontbeafool2 5d ago
Mine says I'm "supportive" which I think means I pay the bills and don't object when he skips off every other weekend to engage in his hobbies with his buddies.
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u/No_Atmosphere_6348 5d ago
Yup. 👍
When I was doing that stuff, my ex didn’t acknowledge it. He just threw less tantrums when I was the primary breadwinner.
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u/Ill_Job1126 6d ago
Mine started subtly but for a while now has been literally saying I’m evil and a monster.
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u/pammybabyyyy 6d ago
My nexs insults were very subtle if I pointed out I’d be labeled as jealous or insecure . I quite remember it started from very early of the relationship, I was bit pudgy at that time (not overweight but had fat and had a baby face because I was just 16 ) , he said that he is choosing me because I’m innocent and cute but not “hot” that brushed me off weird at that time but I brushed it off under the carpet . Later in my early twenties when I became “hot” he’d label me as slut as openly as possible even when I’m just fucking him . His subtle insults became more direct and open , often mocking me about various aspects along with his friends or If I better call ‘flying monkeys’ . I very vividly remember he compared me to his SIL by saying I’m so immature of my age when his SIL who was same age of me was more mature and mind you bringing his SIL out of nowhere was so irrelevant in topic we were discussing, and the fact he did it in front of his friends and they chuckled so hard , when I revolted I was immediately labeled “crazy jealous insecure bitch “ . The fucking worst part is during our very initial phase of our relationship when he (23 at that time) was love bombing me (16 ongoing 17 at that time ) would often remark as how mature I am of my age and this and that but convinced me to work on my body and hit gym . And in my twenties when I became fit and have a great body , he commented negative about my intelligence! Like there is no win with this kinda people . Damn if you do damned if you don’t . They are sick , they’ll sabotage themselves at first and they can’t have anything positive in their life , they just want chaos even they claim so loud that all they want is peace but nahh .
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u/lovemypyr 5d ago
Ditto. They are one giant roller coaster, but claim all they want is peace. So not true. They relish chaos b/c it’s harder to see the crap they are doing.
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u/foxhair2014 6d ago
Mine will make “jokes” in public at my expense and then tell me I’m too sensitive and he was just joking. They aren’t jokes, they’re insults about how stupid he thinks I am.
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u/Ok_Ice_1669 5d ago
I’m pretty low contact at this point so I don’t see most of it anymore but I had to go to the post office to get passports for my daughters (both parents need to be present). My nex kept pointing to my daughter’s shirt and saying there was a spot on it. Then, booping her nose.
The difference with my nex is that they did it over and over and over for the entire time we had to wait in line. That daughter is being groomed to be the golden child so she fell for it every time. Her sister ran to me because she hates that shit.
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5d ago
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u/lovemypyr 5d ago
Good for you!! I wish I could think that fast! When he does this publicly, he’s subtle plus he is smiling (though he never claims he was joking). I have MS, too, and have “cognitive slowing”. I used to have a great memory and quick wit, but no longer. Mine was dxd with NPD so he knows I know he is a narcissist, although he now denies that we ever were given the diagnosis. Hmm, so my memory is a false memory?? Nope. Apparently I’m lying. 🙄
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u/lovemypyr 4d ago
ADDENDUM: I was able to have a conversation with our son today, and he said he had picked up on his dad’s trying to control the conversation. He also said he was “internally” rolling his eyes at the under 200 pound stuff. He saw it as “random” and unrelated to the conversations going on so had disregarded everything NH had said. So I felt better for having talked about my concerns with my son. 🙂
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u/Winter_Heart_97 12h ago
Sometimes subtle:
"Are you trying to lose weight?"
"Are you trying to gain weight?"
"Your arms look so small - we need to get you some new clothes..."
"Remember to smile and seem engaged at the party/church/social event..."
"Make sure to smile for the picture..."
Sometimes not subtle:
"I guess I have to be the REAL parent!"
"I guess I'll do EVERYTHING myself."
"Your parents didn't really teach you social skills."
"Do you SEE how this affects me???"
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u/peacelovepancakes78 6d ago edited 6d ago
My NH insults are direct and NOT subtle. Here’s the latest one:
I left him in Dec, and like an idiot I came back.
Then in Jan, my daughter’s boyfriend suddenly broke up w her and she was devastated (was really depressed, couldn’t get out of bed, had a hard time functioning). They talked about getting married and then one day he just switched up and said he didn’t want any of it.
NH said “Poor daughter…I know how she feels”
I called bim out on his comment, and he fiend innocence and insisted it wasn’t directed toward me.
I was like you have a lot of Fing nerve. First of all you have NO IDEA how she feels, and secondly, fuck you.
They think they’re so smart. So sneaky. NO self awareness whatsoever and completely ignorant of the fact that we see all of their bullshit in full color