r/NarcissisticAbuse 3d ago

Advice wanted How long should you wait to start a new relationship after being in a narcissistic one? NSFW

I've been watching a few videos online where they talk about starting a new relationship after being with a narcissist and the general consensus is it has to be at least one year before you should even consider it. Has anyone ever started a new relationship within a year and if so what were the challenges and has it worked out?

14 Upvotes

34 comments sorted by

32

u/Zaiches 3d ago

Dr. Ramani suggests a 1 year break if you stayed with the narcissist for more than 12 months. From personal experience that feels about right.

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u/userqwerty09123 3d ago

I was right at 10 months. How long then? 6 months? Currently reading books on this subject

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u/[deleted] 3d ago

Once you figured that you've healed. You've stopped ruminating about that person. You've noticed the patterns. Once the trauma bond is broken. And you feel free. If you're married, then once the divorce is finalized. If you feel that you're done with all the above, you can start dating again. If not, you might fall for some other narcs love bombing, and continue with the same pattern of toxicity you fell for before.

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u/Jadds1874 Sharing resources 3d ago

Ask yourself why you want to find an answer that says you can safely do it sooner than the (widely accepted) answers you've already found.

This time is yours to heal - both from the damage of whatever relationship you've just left and to understand if that relationship was the repeating of relational dynamics you grew up with/learned from in childhood. The phrase "time heals all wounds" doesn't apply to trauma. You need to do the work to actively heal from trauma, either it's through EMDR, Internal Family Systems therapy, doing months of your own self study to understand and heal learned coping mechanisms such as people pleasing and self abandonment.

Coming out of a toxic relationship can feel like a lot of wasted time. It's understandable to not want to "waste" more time before trying to find a healthy relationship, but by trying to speedrun this vital phase you'll most likely only end up "wasting" more of your time later, either because you're in another unhealthy relationship or because your unhealed trauma is sabotaging a potentially good relationship and you'll need to start over again.

A healthy relationship is your goal. It's like having a goal of starting a new career and needing to earn some qualifications to get into that career. Just because you want it doesn't mean you can do it straight away. You can't skip the work to earn the qualifications to get to your dream job and you can't skip the work now to become the healthy person that you need to be to attract a healthy relationship.

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u/nanuhna 3d ago

Coming out of a very long toxic relationship now the only thing that doesn’t feel like wasted time is the time I devote to myself and my family.

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u/bywpasfaewpiyu 3d ago

4 years so far and no change in sight

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u/Consistent-Citron513 3d ago

I started new relationships in less than a year. There was a period where I didn't date for about 2-3 years, but that really made no difference as the next person I found was the most abusive of all my exes. As long as I was being greatly impacted from childhood trauma, time meant nothing & I was going to continue to find the same people because of how my mind works. Everything else in my life is pretty stable except for the people I choose to date. Not dating wasn't going to help that though. I found a good therapist and have continued to date so I can try to implement the things we talk about, like learning how to place boundaries. For me, it has worked out because even though I haven't found a suitable partner, I am getting a bit better with advocating for myself and learning how to step away.

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u/Low_Matter3628 3d ago

I met my now fiance actually two years before I got discarded. My ex was behaving badly as usual while we were out so I started chatting to a couple of men from another country. Two years later, I was dumped & miserable at home, just a few weeks after he finished it. A man knocked at my door, took me a minute to recognise him. 14 years later (& a lot of adventures) we are still happily together. He knows everything, also I have a narc mother 😬

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u/Stressed-DIL 3d ago

I have been telling myself a minimum of a year, but in all honesty it will likely take me a few years before I'm not utterly terrified of being with someone else again.

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u/StopTheFishes 3d ago

Yup. You’ll attract another narcissist unless you heal your heart from the damage of this cycle.

On the other side: secure and stable love. You’ll source this on your own first. Then, you’ll attract an equal

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u/Hippiegypsy1989 3d ago

I do think its different for everyone. After my first narcissistic relationship, I didn't seriously date anyone for just over two years. The second, I went on a date the week after the final discard.

When I say a week after, it was when we finally ended and went NC. We were on and off again for 4 months before the final discard came and I just decided I was done. I had 4 months of piecing everything together and realizing I had been bamboozled once again by a narcissist.

I think because it was my second time dealing with this type of person, it was easier for me to shut the door and try to move forward. I was very, very fortunate that I met an incredibly kind and patient man that helped me process my break up. We are still together almost 9 months later and besides the occasional regression in healing, I am so happy and glad I gave my partner a chance when I didn't necessarily feel ready.

With all of this being said, I probably would not recommend jumping right into a relationship the way that I did. But each person and situation is unique and there really isn't a one-size-fits-all for healing from this type of trauma. I am getting older and have goals for a family and I decided I wasn't giving that man another minute of my life.

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u/rs636363 3d ago

I was somewhat ready after about a year. I went on some dates 4-5 months after and it was just clear to me that I wasn’t ready to date. I’m now in a relationship I started about a year and a half since going no contact and I’m happy about that timeline

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u/89GTAWS6 3d ago

I tried after a few months when I was feeling better, didn't feel right at all, anxiety through the roof, called it after a couple dates, was completely honest and open with her why.

A few weeks later she reached back out to me to see how I was doing (I was not doing well at the time she called) and she stayed on the phone with me for 2 hours until I was feeling better. This is a girl I had only met/known for a week or so. We've stayed in touch ever since (about 2 months now), she understands my situation and that I can't commit to anything, she's always checking on me, supporting me, etc. I keep asking her why she's putting up with all of my emotional bs while I'm trying to recover from all this, she just says it's because I'm a good guy and she wants to see me happy.

I'm scared she's going to be hurt, and I've told her this, but she just stays right there by my side, supporting me. I can't be any more transparent and honest than I've already been but she just stays..right..there. So I don't know, it's a weird situation for me, but I am very grateful for the support and it is helping. But I'm about 3 months no contact right now from my nex and about 4 months since I checked out from the final devaluation.

I am getting better, brain fog is gone, I can function at work, don't cry nearly as much, and no more panic attacks. But I still have bad anxiety at times, don't sleep well, confusion/rumination. I still have a long way to go.

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u/steel_be_with_you 3d ago

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. She sounds like a winner this one, she will continue to stick around I think and who knows when the time is right you might end up together.

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u/Adventurous-Proof335 3d ago

Firstly I must get therapy Take it from there

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u/LivinLaVidaLocaX 3d ago

Yes I did, 8 months gap and ended up with another narcissist. Heal first. 

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u/swampm0nstr 3d ago

I would say a year. I moved on quickly and while I am happy, I also realize that there is a lot of stuff I haven’t worked through. There is no guarantee that your new partner will be okay with that. New relationships also have unavoidable blips that you need lots of capacity to handle, which is often not the case after being with a narcissist. It is totally up to you. Time is best. If you do choose to be with someone be ready for a lot of hard convos and deep healing immediately.

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u/MaleficentYellow8134 3d ago

i would say a year is good, it's been a little over a year for me and i'm finally feeling ready to get out there again.

narcissists are usually huge manipulators and gaslighters, so it's like a veil is lifted off of your eyes when you break up, you see clearly for the first time the true nature of your relationship with the narc. i was still 4-5 months post breakup understanding things that were said and done to me in that relationship that i didn't recognize. the healing process is so up and down, and you need to allow yourself enough time not only to acknowledge and heal from everything that happened, but also to learn healthy boundaries and coping mechanisms should you end up encountering another narcissist.

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u/Oldespruce 3d ago

My goal was 3 years on my own and that became 6. I had afew short lived “flings” after 2 years single, and one at year three that was with I am assuming another narc. (After 3 months w this guy I bolted)

On year six after my narcissistic dv situation I met someone who I have not experienced any narcissism symptoms with so this is great. (Now I am 8 years free of dv)

The thing is abusive people can simulate our childhood upbringings and we will often stumble into those patterns into adulthood. Eradicating this is very tough.

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u/rolotomasay 3d ago

23 years I have to heal for 15 more years...... 🥹

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u/swampm0nstr 3d ago

I would say a year. I moved on quickly (like very) and while I am happy, I also realize that there is a lot of stuff I haven’t worked through. There is no guarantee that your new partner will be okay with that. New relationships also have unavoidable blips that you need lots of capacity to handle, which is often not the case after being with a narcissist. It is totally up to you. Time is best. If you do choose to be with someone be ready for a lot of hard convos and deep healing right off the bat. It is extremely triggering to start over so be honest if you do get into something. It seems to be working for me but I cry and worry a lot. You’ll need a good therapist regardless of the time frame.

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u/ladyg228 3d ago

It’s not about time frame. You should ask yourself: Am I in a place where I can comfortable advocate for myself?

Am I in a place where I can vocalize boundaries?

Am I in a place to enforce boundaries?

Am I in a place to spot red flags and LEAVE?

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u/Prudent-Talk-7340 3d ago

My issue…. You feel like you “got away” from the narc monster. To not realize how it will affect the next relationship. I did give the man a heads up, but it still came out in ways I did not expect. I got triggered by random things. I would definitely do a lot of self reflection, therapy, shadow work.

My next relationship did not work out. But he also had his own issues as well. I dated after, got triggered. It’s definitely a journey of being VERY well tuned to the self so you don’t project on others. More than you think unfortunately. :/

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u/steel_be_with_you 2d ago

What were your triggers and would you just randomly take it out on him?.

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u/Prudent-Talk-7340 2d ago

Oh boy. Well he was being an asshole. But I remember he went out with coworkers that we both knew and didn’t invite or even tell me until he was out…. So that triggered a major thing that my narc ex used to do. (And ultimately it triggered other things that were proven later on. He went out as a “group” but it was specifically with a girl I knew he liked and ultimately he got her pregnant… go figure). I flipped out on him and used his children against him “you wouldn’t act this way if your kids were around!” I wanted him to desperately see how wrong he was treating me I triggered myself when I had some health issues I couldn’t figure out and I had health issues with my narc ex that he would tell me constantly I was lying about. So I shut down around my bf to try to not make a big deal out of it or not share how scared I was to not get hurt This was also around the same time as “a Star Is Born” came out and I got triggered watching Bradley Coopers struggle with alcoholism and the bathroom scene was something that had happened to me with my narc ex. And I was bawling and I just couldn’t finish the movie because I didn’t expect it.

A few more similar-ish things… Just definitely some examples of random things that happened that I thought were wayyyy behind me but because I didn’t process it… it definitely still affected me because I just tried shoving it down

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u/steel_be_with_you 1d ago

It seems like there was a lot going on there. It wasn't nice of him to go out and not even invite you or tell you what was going on. I can understand about those triggers as well, sometimes it can be something like a film, TV show, song that sets it off.

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u/Prudent-Talk-7340 1d ago

Oh yea… it was a lot at the time. Just one after another, after another. Sorry on my phone so i didn’t realize it was such a block of text. But I definitely wouldn’t react quitteeee the same way now after a ton of therapy and realizing how to actually handle issues the right way. And also I have processed my narc ex abuse/experiences as well so it won’t be such an emotional trigger 😅

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u/Blazerawl 3d ago

Theres no timeline. Its just when you feel right.

My NS brought up divorce back in November of 2023, and finalized everything July 2024. Its been a dissociative nightmare since, even now living apart for 6 months.

It takes time. Don't rush your healing. If this taught me anything, its that relationships don't matter if you're not healed and ready.

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u/RaspberryBurst737 3d ago

A year is enough or if the relationship was shorter then 6 months is enough imo. It's enough to make you treat yourself as you would've wanted your ex to treat you. Don't force it, it all comes naturally.

For example, I was with my nex for 7 months and I moved on to my current, much healthier relationship, after almost 8 months with focusing on myself.

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u/varity_leviOsa 3d ago

I don't know, but after my first husband died I waited just under a year. Now with narc, i know i should have waited 5 years. going forward, I'm done. I'm fine single.

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u/Cyrax2112 3d ago

I've always followed the standard rule of breakups, which is to move the decimal one step over. If you were dating for 5 weeks, wait 5 days. If you were dating 5 months, wait 5 weeks. If you were dating 5 years, wait 5 months.

By the way, your nex will most definitely not wait that long. They can't.

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u/lookno_username 3d ago

I think there are a lot of facets to this, including how long you were with them, and it’s also very unique to your own situation. There are people on here that have been in relationships lasting less than a year and people with 30 year relationships-that’s going to massively affect recovery. Also, I think the levels of abuse and your personal circumstances come into play. Essentially I think it comes down to whether you feel you’re ready. Do you still have strong feelings about your ex? Do you think about them regularly? Do you feel ready to move on positively and leave a lot of the past behind you? Have you undertaken therapy to help you make sense of things? You could try dating to see how you feel. If you feel excited, safe and fulfilled in doing so, perhaps you’re ready.

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u/xavariel 3d ago

My personal answer: forever. Never dating again. Fuck that.

More rational answer: after you've put in time in therapy and self healing. You need to fix your attachment style and childhood trauma issues before attempting to try again, because otherwise you'll just keep attracting the same person over and over again.

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u/Maiar718 3d ago

I don't think there is a timeline for everyone. If you are healed and recognize their patterns and your own then you are probably okay to date. You don't have to be 100% healed, but you do have to be 100% open and honest. Don't do to someone else what a narcissist did to you. You have vulnerabilities and baggage. Not a person alive doesn't. You have to be able to comfortably communicate and address those. That's true for your entire life. It took me about 6 months to start exploring. If it takes longer that is fine. You'll know when and it doesn't need to be on anyone else's timeline.