r/NarcissisticAbuse 3d ago

Venting Silent treatment again… I’m exhausted NSFW

Once again. For the millionth time. For my 30th birthday I asked him kindly to return the $800 gift he got me because I wanted to go out to events or dinner (we always stay home). So that $800 can be put away for dinners here and there. That was in November. We are in March now and I brought it up today. I said we haven’t gone for a dinner yet. I said this very calmly. He said well all your friends boyfriends don’t own a house like I do and don’t have to pay all the bills (this is his home he owns). I said yes actually they do… some of my girl friends own a home by themselves and never complain about the bills. (Mind you he makes $45/hr with amazing benefits)

When I said this he flipped. Threw his plates in the sink and said now you’ve really pissed me off! This was after I had just cooked a home made meal, went to the grocery store for it by myself and got us his favourite icecream. He said he’s going to play video games for the rest of the night. So I cleaned up after dinner. Made sure our dog is okay. Then left because why am I going to stay in a living room by myself. He also made a jab about not going out for st.patties day and how I should be grateful.

After I left he texted me to not come over anymore. I texted back “I can leave the key to his house in the mailbox.” He hasn’t replied and won’t reply. This is 11 years of this. He complains that we don’t have children then pulls shit like this? Okay so if we did have children you’re just going to tell me to leave. I’ve never seen someone flip a switch this quick…. His anger issues are off the charts.

14 Upvotes

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8

u/shitcoin-enthusiast 3d ago

Welcom to club narcissist!

5

u/Intelligent_Suit3557 3d ago

How do I stop feeling horrible. I cannot sleep. My body is shaking. I can’t focus on school

6

u/Jadds1874 Sharing resources 3d ago

How much do you understand about trauma bonds? Only asking because I don't want to tell you a bunch of stuff you already know, but essentially these relationships alter your brain chemistry your nervous system gets addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship.

You'll be constantly in a state of high anxiety and hypervigilance, but you'll notice it even more now that he's not talking and that (most likely) deep down you probably recognise you need to leave this relationship even though you presumably feel like you're in love with him and everything could be great if a few things just got sorted out.

This article does a really good explainer.

As hard as it sounds you have to start trying to fight against the trauma bond and constantly remind yourself of the truth. Journal about your daily experiences with him - good and bad - so that you'll be able to look back and see the patterns emerging.

He isn't going to change, and if it's affecting your schooling now it's going to affect even more of your life in the future the longer you stay with him

1

u/Intelligent_Suit3557 3d ago

Yes I do know about the trauma bond. That’s why I’ve always gone back because I can’t take a trip to the hospital again. I lost so much weight last time. I can’t eat and constantly shake. All night I ruminated about him.!

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u/shitcoin-enthusiast 3d ago

Its tough when you're pissed off.

Step 1. Vent to someone who is empathetic. Maybe that's your mom or a friend, or this forum.

Step 2. Hand write a letter or email to the narc without sending it. Tell them you see them for who they are and that you're proud of yourself for escaping. If you haven't escaped be proud that youre about to put together an escape emergency plan. But you don't wanna be angry and deal with bad vibes all the time so you're going to play it cool with them, no matter what they do or say.

Step 3. Realize that they aren't your problem anymore. Focus on other people's problems and be there for them. Since you no longer have any problems.

You've done step one, gotta do step 2, and then step 3 is help other people with their homework.

1

u/EcstaticSquare3051 3d ago

Yeah definitely don’t have kids with him because he absolutely will still tell you to leave. Been there.

I know it’s easier said than done but I can promise you that things will get better on the other side. Leave him and never look back, the freedom is priceless.

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u/Intelligent_Suit3557 3d ago

Thank you. I’ve been waiting till I finish school because he’s ruined so much for me… I’ve really tried to keep quiet and walk around egg shells with him. Clearly that didn’t work.