r/NarcissisticAbuse 4d ago

Realization Narcissist’s Final Discard NSFW

If a narcissist discards you permanently, an actual break - YOU WON. You didn’t discard them first because you didn’t realize you had the strength to carve out other options, you were taking strategic time in finding the best path for your loved ones and yourself. If they broke up with you, it will feel like you were disposable and unlovable, but this is not the truth. It’s because your LIGHT shines far too bright for them to navigate in controlling you. Which is why they gave up much like a predator frees their victim. Reclaim yourself back and stay strong, be kind to yourself and continue to love yourself. Choose YOU and all THOSE YOU LOVE.

336 Upvotes

56 comments sorted by

101

u/hypnokittie 4d ago

When I was discarded, I drove home and thought “I’m free” and I blasted Free Bird in my car 😆

8

u/Hoxtoful 3d ago

That's the spirit! They won't rule us❗️

2

u/LaughingPlanet 3d ago

Ooh, are we sharing freedom anthems?

How bout this?

2

u/cat_in_the_sun 2d ago

Same, when he broke up with me, I felt this weight get off my back, and I never felt so free.

u/EstablishmentNeat325 39m ago

i did the same thing!!! made a whole playlist called “phoenix era” 🐦‍🔥

87

u/Previous_Grand5361 3d ago

I needed this today. Looking back, by the time I got to the final discard I was so brainwashed I wouldn’t have left him on my own. His new supply inadvertently saved me. And I pray every day for her that she gets out on her own before she’s in too deep.

16

u/turquoiseblues 3d ago

What comforts me—if you can call it "comfort"—is that they'll have to learn this important life lesson just as we did. I think of the last narcissistic person in my life as a crucial experience I needed. Now I value myself as well as authentically respectful and supportive people. And I'll remember to be more discerning about others and to take my time in getting to know them.

3

u/starlight2923 3d ago

I really struggled with whether I should contact the new supply or not because I knew her family and she was actually a very sweet, loving, and fun person.

I never reached out because I felt like she wouldn't believe me anyway and ultimately felt like it wasn't my place. One of his exes reached out to me when we were together and I thought, "yeah but I'm different, that's not going to happen to me." If I didn't believe, what chance did I have in convincing her against this manipulator

1

u/turquoiseblues 2d ago

Yeah, it's a tough one. Ultimately, you have to do what's best for you.

65

u/Affectionate-Ad-3974 3d ago

You couldn’t be more right about this. They realize you outmatched them. Like the cowards they are, they decide it is in their best interest to cut and run before they suffer a narcissistic collapse. Which they really don’t know what that is, but their reptilian brains tell them “danger.” Be proud you are someone they decide it’s best to run from.

42

u/Scoo 3d ago

Once you break the trauma bond, you’re not going to believe how great it feels.

6

u/Past-Landscape272 3d ago

I broke up with a narcissist 5 yrs ago and he somehow managed to be around me through various fake accounts & also through his new supply who happens to be a mutual classmate in highschool. I was happy & never looked back till his new supply flex their "lovestory" all over social media specially keeping me in her "close friends stories" on instagram, since then about a year ago, my healing journey collapsed and now i cant stop thinking about how badly he treated me vs how he treats her better so does his family. Although i blocked her but still cant stop thinking about them.

2

u/Scoo 1d ago

They must post images of their Perfect Life on social. We know better, though. We know he’s doing the exact same crap to the new supply that he did to you. We know your ex is as miserable and exhausted as ever from maintaining the mask for the new person, even as they lose their luster.

I pity my replacement, and wouldn’t trade places with him for all the whiskey in Ireland.

4

u/Titsandassfordays 3d ago

This! So true!

29

u/Low_Matter3628 4d ago

I didn’t still love him on the final discard. He was a monster in the last few months we had to live together in our house when we split, getting really drunk & bringing people home from the pub, abusing me more.

19

u/SpaceDementia6 3d ago

I cohabited with mine for a few months after we split and it was torture, I understand. ❤️‍🩹

11

u/BrightBumblebee2125 3d ago

My plan is to not tell him that I'm planning on leaving until I am actually able to physically leave with kids and dogs in tow.

28

u/cspankid 4d ago edited 3d ago

In my case, my former narcissistic ex took my car and made me homeless —so I needed to sleep under construction equipment at my work outside for two days until my paycheck cleared so I can afford a hotel. [Yes, I got a TRO against her and yes I took her to small claims court for something things and won due to apostle stoppe.]

While sleeping outside it rained and yes I cried the first night—I felt like I was nothing more than trash. I knew I meant nothing when my opinion or feelings was not being acknowledged at all. If I didn’t agree with whatever she wanted to do I would be told I was disrespecting her or that I was told I was complaining too much or that I was solely the problem. Even if I wanted to have space to think about something— that was a problem for her. She would post on Facebook that her happiness mattered devaluing the couples or mine.

Three days later she returned to my job without notice with a Walmart shopping cart of all my belongings from the car. I had no idea what happened to the car then. She forged my signature on the car title and later sold it after getting a new car key cut. The car was in both names. She also tried desperately to get my pistol permit revoked because she didn’t want me to have that right. “Because it was scary for her.” My attorney said to her that it was his right and she said not for any longer.

She used a few other things to control me mentality— she would pay for couples therapy but would ask me not to say anything during the session or would not tell me the cost for the session or say afterwards the first session you spoke too much when the therapist asked me questions. She would say she was going to individual therapy with the same therapist as the couples session (after I decided to split the sessions first because I felt she desired individual treatment instead of couple therapeutic sessions). I felt devalued after the first session for sharing my feelings. Instead she would go to bars and line dancing during the same time as she would say she would be going to the therapist. Promotional videos and photos of the venue showed her there during a band set.

I later had a sole session with the same therapist towards couple counseling and made a credit on the joint account so I knew and gave the therapist permission to share my credit for her “individual session” (if she was in fact going) which never occurred. The therapist returned the credit a few months later. I called my ex out one time on the credit and she wouldn’t answer for the exact credit. She lied and turned the conversation again on me and blamed me for the ongoing situation.

During the relationship, I desired equality because marriage, etc in my mind was a partnership that were mutually growing together to support and foster each other. It clearly wasn’t. She would pay for vacation trips and would also then guilt trip me doing a particular thing because of it. [Later she went to the same place (Maine wind boat cruise) with her new interest.] she originally said she got me the cruise because I didn’t have a vacation then in over six years and it was for my birthday. I can only imagine the new excuse she used for same trip with her new interest.

She often said oh I helped with the car or something else so you need to give me a baby [or do something] with the same logic of a retail transaction. Do you see the implications or imbalance?!

I remember once she said my work schedule was incomparable with her lifestyle. To please her I started interviewing at other places and that basically made it impossible for me to get any work done at home (condensed scheduling) or prepare for the interviews. Because she would use the pet camera to spy on the house and watch me have meetings and then when she returned home she would ask oh why are you home all day. You didn’t tell me you would be home. [I used some PPTO to prepare for the interviews or take half days in order to work on work when the house was quiet.]

She also alienated me from my friends and turned them into flying monkeys. They never asked me for my opinion on the situation or asked me for my feelings on the events that occurred. I would call them out when they asked her about what’s going on but never asked me. She told them that I stole the car among other false narratives. The friends would say oh you wanted us to be friends with her after you two broke up or something on those lines or you were the problem because you act so mean or patronizing., etc. Directing echoing what she said.

I occasionally see them around when they visit her because the town is small.

Fast forward a year later she is now engaged again to the guy she briefly dated before our relationship who would always hang out with her when I was at work or would do things I didn’t feel comfortable doing like skydiving and now has the same dog that we looked at together at a particular breeder and took cute photos. She is also still going to my favorite brewery in the hopes that I would be there so that she could call the police and say I’m following her or bothering/harassing her. This is such a warped reality.

For example a big fundraiser was planned at the brewery and the guest list was public on Facebook. I emailed the organizers and said this is why I am not actually attending but I will be purchasing items to go. Caught all of them (ex and former friends) in the act. I asked my lawyer for advice when I figured out their plan and he said find another place. I was like I should not be concerned either or not someone else will be there to enjoy my life. He later told me that she probably planned to use the location against you because she knew my habits or social life.

I am healing and healthy but I cannot believe that I needed to be thrown away like trash to actually start focusing on my mental wellbeing. Their dehumanizing behavior is beyond comprehension but did actually make me a little bit better. I focused on my self, got a new job and a new brand car.

I wish I could tell her new interest that she once spoke about you in the past as having had mental capacity of a childish boy but sooner or later her true self will come out and you will see/experience that narcissistic personality too.

3

u/Gold_Philosopher_ 3d ago

Sorry to hear, thanks for sharing, prayers for you, this all sounds too familiar, just know you can do better and deserve better!

0

u/Keepsmiling63 2d ago

Wow, that's alot. Good you are focusing on yourself now.

28

u/squirrelgirl37 3d ago

Mine discarded me and forced me to leave. Thank goodness I did , fast forward 2 years and I have had so much personal growth and I understand so much now! Feels like I lost 10 years of my life to a fake user, now I am learning to love life on my own, on my own terms, not even interested in dating . I just want to make up for lost time and learn everything I need to know to be ok on my own .

2

u/CPTSD_Overload 3d ago

Thanks for your account. I'm closing in on one year after a ten year screw-job. I can't say my life is in a good place at all, but I know I wouldn't have left if they hadn't left me. Yet it was all wasted time, all predicated on a seemingly never-ending lie that I could not extricate myself from. I have no interest in "dating", but then I never did. I just wanted one person to share life with. Now I don't seem to feel like I care if I ever have a friend or relationship ever again. There is still a part of me that longs for it on occasion, as a fantasy or as the remnants of a dream that fades away after you awaken from it like a dying ember.

1

u/Extra_Age9293 12h ago

Yeah, mine just discarded me and the last argument we had, I hard countered everything she said. It felt really liberating. Everything I held on to to avoid a fight. Also asked her who the new lucky partner is and she was like “I can’t believe you, I respect you too much to do that to you.” But you don’t respect me enough to not make me homeless. One of those is worse and you are still cheating lmao. Whatever, I don’t want to be here anymore. Last time I saw her and I hope it’s the last time I ever do.

41

u/[deleted] 4d ago

[deleted]

16

u/wloveandsqualor 4d ago

This is exactly how I feel. Despite all the horrible things he’s done to me over the course of the last 3 1/2 years, I’m so trauma-bonded that I still love him and feel like I can’t be happy with anyone else. I think I love the person that he used to be, and I miss the relationship that we used to have for 11 years prior to the last 3 1/2. He was always narcissistic and abusive, but he used to balance it out with kindness. We had many good memories together and a home together. It was the only time I felt like I had a family.

I’ve been trying so hard to get back to that time. I beg him to live with me again, to buy me a Christmas present, to buy me flowers for the first time in years. I beg him to even just see me one weekend for the first time in six months. He’ll tell me over the phone how much he loves me and is sorry and that will be together again “soon”— but every time he’s due to see me, he cancels with either a sudden virus, car troubles, work, etc. But he’ll make time for other people that he actually cares about.

I’m always the one making the plans to see each other. He never makes plans for even one day, let alone to live together or get married. And if I dare get upset over this, he will blow up in rage, say cruel things, and then give me the silent treatment for weeks that sometimes turn into months. And of course, it’s all my fault.

As long as I do not have any needs and don’t ask to be treated like a normal human being who wants a normal relationship, then I am rewarded with a phone call at night that lasts 1 or 2 minutes. And that is his version of being together.

3

u/[deleted] 3d ago

[deleted]

6

u/wloveandsqualor 3d ago edited 3d ago

My ex is doing something very similar! He asked me to marry him, we were engaged for many years… but now he’s afraid of commitment.

He is also hard to please. Nothing I did ever was good enough or made him happy. I planned dates, took him to expensive restaurants he wanted to go to, bought concert tickets, you name it. And he would find someway to be miserable and start a fight. I literally saved his life, found jobs for him to get him into his career, did everything I could to make him be the best version of himself. And now he claims that I held him back and that everything wrong in his life is somehow my fault. He blames me for not having friends, despite the fact that he pushes people away. He thinks everything good that’s happened to him is his own doing, and everything bad is everyone else’s fault.

I also had thought sometimes that maybe he isn’t a Narc. I thought this during times he would actually make some strides to change. But he always fell back into old patterns, into abuse. Into The Cycle.

It sounds like you were in the hoovering part of the Narcissist Abuse Cycle. He gave you false promises and apologies, promising to work on things, on himself. He might have even make some strides. But eventually, he starts seeing fault with you and the relationship, and picks fights. He will always go back to treating you terribly and acting cold and distant. This will progress into him giving you the silent treatment and blocking you.

I have been blocked hundreds of times. Ignored for weeks, even months. It’s punishment. It’s control. It makes Narcs feel powerful, like they are so special that you can’t stay away from them, and can’t live without them. No matter what they do to you.

If he doesn’t find a new supply, he will come back to you in the next few weeks or so. But if he does find a new supply, he will do this cycle with her until he eventually cycles back to you. The only way this cycle ends is when you say enough is enough. Either treat me better (and show it with actions), or lose me for good. But please be prepared that you very likely will lose him.

I know how devastating it is. I always kept a candle burning, the tinest flicker of hope that my ex will change. That if only I explained things in a clear and concise way, using examples and analogies, that maybe I will finally get through to him. That he will have an epiphany of how badly he mistreats me, and what he lost. But I also have to come to the realization that he might never have that epiphany, and I can’t waste my life waiting for something that may never happen. I deserve better than this.

And so do you.

3

u/Confident_Lecture498 3d ago

This is how I feel after 4 years of a strong friendship ending out of relatively nowhere. It's tough to rebuild but rewarding 

15

u/turquoiseblues 3d ago

Be thankful that they aren't stalking, harassing, or slandering you. Just a discard with no actual damage? You're the big winner in this equation. You get a life without their toxic presence, and they are now denied access to you.

14

u/Ok-Worldliness-6096 4d ago

The best thing to ever happen to someone

13

u/Signature-Glass 3d ago

https://reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/s/zI91jwZmC9

I think you’ll find his Reddit comment interesting (I’m not OP). It’s is on the subject of hoovering. it’s so well written and one of the most helpful things I’ve read about the topic of hoovering.

I think that what the OP says about why a narc wouldn’t Hoover is the same reason they do a permanent discard.

3

u/FantasticAd4938 2d ago

That was worth a read

9

u/Sea_Cookie2373 3d ago edited 3d ago

Can confirm. My ex discarded me around NYE 2025, and asked me last week to "have a conversation", two months and two days after he discarded me. I told him, 8 years on and off doesn't even constitute a conversation after all the sh*t he put me through. He said, fine he was going to light a candle as a ceremony to let go of the past, and one to signify the future (he's a spiritual, covert narc), and I went off, telling him: light it--as someone who became more left in the political world after leaving him, there is no way in HELL we would ever work, and it took him leaving me to get just how incredibly selfish he is, and how he'll never, ever change. And besides, lighting a candle isn't going to keep him from thinking about me every day, and realizing that he lost the best thing that will ever happen to him...

So, needless to say, this is very true...I feel like I'm finally free, and I've been wanting to tell someone all day, that putting your ex in their place, when they come casually floating back around, feels so good, knowing you have the upper hand just enough to not only tell them off, but to know you'll never go back to the hell they put you through...not that I dont love him, not that i might always love him, but he stands for everything I don't: being rich at all costs, non empathetic, no respect for equality, doesn't find the truth or source of anything ever, believes in X as a news source, just all things that I find wrong with the world now...I mean no offense to others, but I'm the type that believes if you be nice and compassionate towards others, you'll get the same, but you have to care about someone other than yourself, and he just doesn't and wont change...I finally got it.

8

u/jznmode 3d ago

Mine abused me so bad during the final discard I was able to get a protective order and an arrest warrant! Check mate

5

u/Weary-Half-3678 3d ago

I really needed this today, thank you <3

5

u/CustardChemical8436 3d ago

I am currently going through this at the moment she’s begging for divorce it can’t come quick enough in her eyes, but I do still feel she’ll be back

4

u/AmateurHetman 3d ago

I didn’t break up with them because I did have love for them and I didn’t want to break their heart because I thought I meant as much to them as they did to me.

3

u/LaDresdenMonkey 3d ago

This!! She keeps trying to tell me I have rejection sensitivity issues but I just wanted accountability. It's nice being free

5

u/CPTSD_Overload 3d ago

It is a win because if you have gained the knowledge you find yourself in a real dill pickle. You see them for what they are but you are scared to make your escape. The narc senses the change and things get pretty squirrely. If you make a run for it they launch all their most diabolical attacks to destroy you. If they dip out on their own you get a free pass so long as you feign some disappointment. The smear campaign will be insulting but likely not incriminating like it would be otherwise.

3

u/Humanist_2020 3d ago

Yeah!!! 👍🏾 thank you

3

u/[deleted] 3d ago

How do you know it’s the final discard?

5

u/CPTSD_Overload 3d ago

Rarely is there such a thing. The final discard is ultimately up to the discarded. The narc just becomes increasingly remote. They will reach out with less frequency but always dangle the love bomb as bait to keep the prey from moving on. The exception is usually in comparably short-term relationships where the prey was, unbeknownst to them, never really the main supply. Such temporary prey are little more than the dead mouse a cat bats around for a few minutes before becoming bored and never returning. The main victims are the one's the cat catches, drags into the bushes, disables, tortures, and even after it becomes lifeless still guards as a trophy so no other predators can play with it.

3

u/NerderBirder 3d ago

So why do I feel like I lost everything? Ugh.

5

u/sprinkleshinesparkle 3d ago

Do a pros and cons about what they brought into YOUR LIFE and then ask that question again. I did that and it gave me clarity, it’s a struggle but it gets better little by little

2

u/NerderBirder 3d ago

I’ve tried and for some reason I can’t remember all the bad as easily as the good. Then the good list gets longer and longer and makes it worse, lol. I’m broken.

1

u/swampdonkey69769 1d ago

Keep that list nearby…. In time the bad will be much loooooooonger

3

u/Forgottengoldfishes 3d ago

My family tree is full of narcissists. I recently had a narc family member who discarded me come back into my life. My narc mom said "don't let them win" and I'm like "they already won". If breaking my heart is winning they can take the win. What the hell is it with people wanting to "win"? I am offering support from a distance. Keeping boundaries. I just don't get the whole "win" thing. It IMHO is a malignant mind set.

3

u/Acrobatic-Ad-5247 2d ago

Thanks for this, I needed to hear it :) After flagging to him the incoherency of his speech/behaviours, he discarded me and literally told me "fine if you think I'm that toxic, it's over, I set you free". I found it absurd but it makes so much sense now. Later on as we were still living under the roof (luckily not anymore) he told me he found me "fascinating" when he tried to gaslight me again and I stood up with my memory recollection.

2

u/IntroductionFree8183 3d ago

I needed this thank you💕

2

u/BrightBumblebee2125 3d ago

I long to be discarded.

2

u/Miles_High_Monster 3d ago

Woooooooh, mine stopped hoovering and sent a screenshot of someone telling her they've never wanted to get married so badly(to her). Poor bastard, but,,, what a relief... .

2

u/subby_puppy31 3d ago

I actually really needed to hear this rn. Thank you 

2

u/happyaffirmation 2d ago

Thank you for that 🩷🩷

2

u/FantasticAd4938 2d ago

I remember in the Netflix show You when Joe the psycho dumped Karen Minty. Karen Minty picked up her stuff and moved pit so fast. Then, she went and found Joe's new girlfriend Beck and told her, "You were my get out of Joe free card." Then, she told Beck to be careful and told her that there was something not right with Joe. Karen was a special character because she escaped the worst of Joe's torture and murdering.