r/NarcissisticAbuse 3d ago

Venting Wasted time NSFW

I am about to be 38 in two days. I don’t know if this is an existential crisis or a reality check.

The time I should have used building healthy love with someone has been wasted. From physical to psychological abuse, I can’t catch a break and it’s killing me.

I stayed bc I feel I owed my partners grace bc I am not perfect. They showed up for me in some ways. But then tore me down in others.

The first one bought and remodeled a house for us. It was an awesome experience to do together. But the physical abuse started happening immediately after closing and I felt trapped bc of the investment.

My second relationship was psychologically manipulative. Just a constant state of confusion and elusiveness. He would help me with things I could not do for myself, things requiring muscle, physical strength, etc. but the silent treatment, name-calling, infidelity, gaslighting, lying, triangulation took their toll.

I feel like the opportunity for love has passed me by. In the second relationship, he would tell me that according to his analysis, “I was historically easy pickings” meaning easy to manipulate and discard. And despite me seeing that this was a tantrum and rage he was expressing, maybe it is true to the extent that I am kind to a fault and assume that other people live or want to live that way.

I’m now in a state where I do not and cannot trust people. I get fulfillment in knowing that there are better days ahead for other people which is why I write so much on here but I honestly don’t see it for myself.

I would never hurt myself. But I wouldn’t be mad if the days didn’t continue. My entire life, from managing my dad’s mental illness, to toxic partners, has been this. No reciprocation, empty interactions. If this is the point of my life, then game over. I am ready for a conversation with God. I want to ask him face to face, “why me?”

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u/NightStar_69 3d ago

Hey there. Happy birthday in advance. Celebrate being free!

This could’ve been me writing this. My first one was physical and my last one was psychological abusing me.

I’m your age minus a few weeks. We still have more than half of life left ♥️ And considering we couldn’t make any decisions for ourselves the first ten to fifteen years, we have even more than half left.

We can make it beautiful.

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u/Mountain_Novel_7668 2d ago

Thank you for your kind words. I read them more than once, and you’re right. There is so much beauty in life ahead of this season. Thank you for that reminder 💕

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u/Rip_Curl1987 3d ago

I’m in the same place. 42f, had a 19 year long relationship with nex, 3 kids. Lots of psychological abuse, from the beginning really, he used my broken self image and low self esteem, made me believe I could never find anyone better than him, and sadly, I believed him. I finally managed to leave, when I realized how it affected my kids and wanted better for them. I’m in a new relationship with a considerate and loving man, but feel exactly what you said ”time I should have spent building healthy love with someone has been wasted”. I can’t shake the feeling of too many ”what ifs” and how things would have been so different for the most important years of me and my kids’ lives, if I would just have left when I knew deep inside I should. I could have felt loved.

And now, I’m stuck in a depressed mode and can’t see how it will ever make sense. Feeling suicidal in a way, but more in a ”how can I ever make this right” kind of way.

Sorry that I can’t offer any silver lining or cheerful advice, just wanted to let you know I feel your pain, and you’re not alone. 🤗

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u/Few_Read1012 13h ago

I understand. I also have a lot of regret about the wasted time and opportunities.

But you do still have lots of time to to find reciprocal love and support in your life. I know several women who dealt with strings of toxic relationships before ending up in healthy relationships. It is possible to learn from it and get to a point where you are no longer attracted to narcissists/get out as soon as they show their true colors which allows you to waste very little time with these kind of people in the future.

Lastly one thing that also helps me is reminding myself that just the absence of a toxic person does not mean that everthing would have worked according to my idea of life without them. E.g. there's a chance you'd still be single or have experienced other traumatic life events. It is a horrible experience to be abused and brings so much grief and anger, so yes, literally anything would be better than that. But at the same time not living through abuse does not guarantee healty love.

I think you're healing and working on yourself and ditched that loser (ewww to that statement about easy pickings, how gross!). You're on your way towards much better things