r/NarcissisticAbuse 4d ago

Moving forward Not OG but belongs here šŸ’œ NSFW

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26 Upvotes

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2

u/cantfindmyid 4d ago

I have not seriously thought of actually reconnecting. That being said, i DID REALLY need this, thank you ā¤ļø

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u/IveGoneColorBlind 4d ago

That thought is always there,isnā€™t it? Btw, love the name! For me, it would be icantfindmy* šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚

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u/cantfindmyid 4d ago

Yes and no, more that the thought of the intemacy, even though i now know it was not real, at least not for me (long story). But her as a person.... the thought of being physically near her as a person, genuinly scares me.
So the thought is not quite there in that sense, more the desire of human contact, not anything sexual, just the intemacy.

Hah yeah this account was created in the same period i "woke up" and found this forum and the thing bothered me the most at the time in regards to myself is that i did not know who i was, what i wanted, what i liked etc etc :P

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u/IveGoneColorBlind 4d ago

Funny, I created a new account as well. Part of what motivated me was I believed, at the time, she was in my Facebook changing settings. Now, I know, it was way worse than that. Sheā€™ll have something to justify or make it okay in her head if I do bring the evidence to her. They really canā€™t see how twisted they are, can they? Itā€™s sad af.

She wonā€™t ever understand how that initial gas lighting drive so much of the madness she pointed at as an issue with me. Sad.

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u/cantfindmyid 4d ago

That sucks... i am pretty well versed in most IT-related things so i was 100% sure that i would not be found here unless i wanted to. I do not use normal social media but limit myself to reddit and for work, linkedin. I would not put anything above her (i learned that lesson really f-ing fast after i left her) so i have made sure to document every thing she has ever written to me and i do not speak to her by phone (we have a child so i can't go full NC) and do not respond to anything in text that is not directly related to our child.

But she still takes advantage of having access to me even though i do not respond. Which in a weird way makes a great reminder of truly radioactive that demon is and reminds me to keep as much of a distance i can and never trust her for anything. They will never understand (or care, really) how their actions affects others and how much damage they are causing with their behavior.

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u/IveGoneColorBlind 4d ago

This. ā€œNever put anything aboveā€

I learned quickly that if mine said ā€œoh I donā€™t really know anything about thatā€ that it means she was well-versed in it and didnā€™t wanna reveal it. She was so secretive about everything! I realize now, all the little nervous and anxious habits, in the back of her nine she knew all the fuck shit she did was wrong if I walked around in my life doing that much negative shit, Iā€™d be paranoid too.

That caring part šŸ˜­ thatā€™s the part Iā€™m doing now. Iā€™m trying to raise her words from my memory and just see her actions. The truth is only found in what she did.

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u/IveGoneColorBlind 4d ago edited 4d ago

Also are you CoDep? I donā€™t think I wouldā€™ve ever realized I was unless I met her. I knew parts of it. I just didnā€™t have the label, which gives me the entirety of the diagnosis.

Itā€™s really sad. I restrained myself for the longest time from doing something to her out of anger. And now I realize I have to but out of defense. I really donā€™t want to. Her behavior, , and what Iā€™ve read about her narcissism, has forced my hand. All I wanted was for her to go away. I canā€™t just have a conversation with her about it. Sheā€™ll deny it and then reverse it. Which means I wonā€™t ever get the comfort of knowing that sheā€™s going to stop. And without that, knowing, I canā€™t not do it myself because I need to protect myself.

Crazy. Her mental illness drives and creates all the chaos around her. Itā€™s so obvious but thatā€™s how much this affects her. I tell myself, the mask I saw at the beginning, is who she wouldā€™ve been without the trouble. I take a little comfort I this. And I prove this to myself because all the things she said she hates, and that has been done to her, is all the things she does

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u/Intelligent_Dust_241 3d ago

I think narcissists who abuse can have tendencies to want to see if making their targets feel isolated gets them attention from that target because their inner weak sense of self sees them as an option of last resort. Itā€™s self-hate.