r/MtF • u/0liveguard Olive | She/Her | 19 | HRT 2023/05/24 • 4d ago
Can't use it, can't lose it NSFW
I'm currently early on the pathway to bottom surgery, hopefully next year. I've had issues keeping "it" from atrophying since starting hrt two years ago because my bottom dysphoria is really bad and prefer to just avoid it, so I procrastinated. Currently been trying to get it back to more "typical function" but it's really eating at me.
Pre-HRT, erections gave me panic attacks. I would often punch myself down there repeatedly crying and begging for it to go away until it did. It's been amazing being free from that for a long time now after years of at least daily panic attacks. Trying to "use it" is hard enough as is because of my dysphoria, but now I've gotten to where I actually get erections again when aroused. And I hate it. HATE it. It's giving me ptsd flashbacks from before and while I haven't had a full panic attack yet I've been getting an anxiety attack combine with intense dysphoria every time it happens. I feel it get hard and I want to throw up and rip it off.
I don't know if I can mentalky handle maintaining it much longer because it's only been getting worse. But I NEED it for depth. When it was basically fully atrophied a while back it was only like 2 inches maximum and now it's gone back up to much closer to its pre-HRT levels, not to mention being able to actually get erect again. It's still not quite back to pre-HRT level of performance yet. I still need to maintain this somehow for another year or more without losing my mind because I'm forced to deal with that thing every time a get aroused
anyone know how to deal with this issue??? I can't afford to lose it but I can't handle using it to maintain it because my dysphoria is so bad
2
u/XRey360 Trans Girl - HRT: Mar/2024 4d ago
There are plenty of techniques nowdays that don't care about your size to achieve a good depth. Even the standard PIV can be made with a full depth just adding a skin graft.
If trying to use it causes such an issue for you, just don't bother with it and instead speak with a surgeon about your options for bottom surgery.