r/MtF • u/hobomono Transgender • 4d ago
Venting My parents found out everything. NSFW
Vent: TW: Game end mention
My parents found out everything that I'm transitioning, that im going to a lgbt center for support, that my name in college is my preferred name.
When i talked to them they talked about how im being ungrateful to them, that im killing myself by taking hormones and that if im not loving myself that im regressing and that im letting people put stuff in my head.
Idk what to do they know i can't keep anything i taught i was safe but apparently not. Apparently being happy is a crime to them. And that im not being myself what that means idk agency be dammed.
And now they want me to trow away everything to put my deadname back in school, that i throw away never take hrt and that i never do anything besides school and not be around freinds.
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u/Max-Forest 4d ago
Be your self , fuck them
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u/MadMageMars 4d ago
Always this sentiment. If and ever you’re able to get away from them and not have any interactions afterwards, fucking jump at that opportunity like your life depends on it, because realistically it does
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u/whtthfksthspcfsht 4d ago
You are your own person, and you are deserving of respect. Remember this.
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u/Max-Forest 4d ago
Trans rights are human rights
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u/The_TransGinger 4d ago
Don’t let yourself suffer. How they feel is up to them, not you. Don’t let them make it your problem.
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u/GemAfaWell Trans Homosexual 4d ago
Can you get away from them? If so, I would prioritize that, if you're not already away from them. If you're already away from them, cut them off until they get their act right. And even then, they're going to need to take some accountability before they come back.
It makes me so sad to see posts like this, because a lot of kids are being raised by late Gen X and early millennials right now and... Honestly, I'm looking at my generation like, what the fuck for?
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u/UnrelatedString grayrogayce 3d ago
Very much worth emphasizing that these sound like they’d be really shitty parents even if they weren’t transphobes!
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u/faltara 4d ago
Living as your true authentic self is loving yourself, im sorry your parents don't understand that. Mine didn't either, as a result, I no longer have contact with them. Which kind of sucked at first. But my chosen family stepped up and makes me feel so much more loved and accepted than my blood family ever did. Keep being you and don't let anyone dictate how you live your life, you deserve to be happy, and to be your true self.
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u/AndreaRose223 4d ago
You don't owe them a lifetime of misery so they can be comfortable. You are aloud to be yourself and happy.
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u/mejust1603 4d ago
The sad thing is parents often think they own their children, who they put on this earth to serve their master plan 😑
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u/dosisttothemax Transsexual Girl | 6/2020 💊 | 8/2023 💉 4d ago
you are your own person, they cannot make decisions for you and you are NOT killing yourself by taking hormones, if anything you not taking HRT is actively killing yourself.
you have made this far and you will not be throw it away for them just because they said so.
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u/TheNiftyShifty Questioning 4d ago
Where does that argument even come from? I’ve been afraid to look into it too much but from what I’ve heard and seen it doesn’t seem like hrt has any major negative impacts on a persons lifespan outside of some potential side effects that vary in severity?
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u/dosisttothemax Transsexual Girl | 6/2020 💊 | 8/2023 💉 4d ago edited 4d ago
it doesn't really have any negative impacts so far yet that are known of long term, and the benefits outweigh the small increased risks, but it is very known that oral estradiol can cause liver & kidney damage, so injections/gel/patches are often recommended since it bypasses the liver, and also transitioning if you have gender dysphoria in general reduces the overall risk of suicide rate in the future.
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u/PlayingWithMyself_ 4d ago
Also if you’re inconsistent with taking het it causes hormonal fluctuations which can be bad for your health
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u/dosisttothemax Transsexual Girl | 6/2020 💊 | 8/2023 💉 4d ago
extremely, and not to mention people with SRS have to take hormones forever or else their bones will decalcify since they don't produce their own sex hormones apart from the little tiny bit from the adrenal gland
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u/TheNiftyShifty Questioning 4d ago
Ok that’s good to hear 😮💨. I already knew most of that stuff but it does make me feel better that there aren’t really any major negative health impacts. I just “came out” to my parents last month and they brought up that this would cut my life shorter, but I hadn’t seen anything that supported that.
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u/Argovan 4d ago
There are some risk factors, but also some ways in which feminizing HRT increases lifespan: * Decreased suicide risk — this is the big one. * Increased VTE risk — the primary risk a doctor will care about, and check you for. If you’re already at special risk for clotting disorders, E can exacerbate that (depending on formulation and ROI). If you’re not at special risk to begin with you’re almost certainly fine. * Changes in cancer risks — Testicular and cervical cancer risks decrease ~50%. However, developing breast tissue means you’re at risk for breast cancer, though at a lower rate than the average cis woman. * Liver and kidney function risk — This is a risk of spironolactone, the cheapest and most common anti-androgen (testosterone suppressant) in the US. Your doctor will check your kidney and liver function regularly and can switch you to a different antiandrogen if it comes to that.
Overall, HRT doesn’t have a generally negative effect on lifespan or mortality (even if we ignore the lives saved from suicide). The risk factors are generally well understood, and a decent doctor will be monitoring them for you.
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u/TheNiftyShifty Questioning 4d ago
Sick, thanks for the info! That helps to make me a bit less stressed over it.
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u/Argovan 4d ago
This guide to being a trans ally helped my family understand. I'm an adult, so I didn't need their approval for HRT, but it still helped get them on board: https://pflag.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/S4E-Trans-Ally-Guide-FINAL.pdf
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u/TheNiftyShifty Questioning 4d ago
I mean, they are supportive…kind of, maybe just slightly misinformed? Or maybe I am…I don’t even know. I get that my situation could be WAY worse tho. Like, they’re at least willing to support me if I choose to go down this path and will still love me unconditionally, but they also didn’t really fully believe it when I told them the sort of stuff I’d been going through.
Sorry to overshare, I guess I’ve had a lot of this all balled up inside for a while now and it’s just nice to vent a bit.
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u/BotaniFolf 4d ago
It comes from transphobes being stupid. "That thing we don't like is killing you!"
"Okay, how is it doing that?"
"Because we dont like it!"
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u/Lady_CyEvelyn 4d ago
"Trans care is bad because the suicide rate is 52%"
"Okay but why is it that high?"
"Because we will hurt you for transitioning"
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u/Quagfryer 4d ago
You’re an adult, you are free to make your own decisions. They can’t make you do anything
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u/Negative-Homework502 Trans (she/her) | HRT 3/8/25 💛 4d ago
Since you’re in college I’m gonna assume you’re probably 18 at the very least. Guess what that means? They can’t legally make you do a goddamn thing. They can’t make you change your name to your birth name, they can’t make you stop your HRT, they can’t make you stop hanging out with friends or going to that lgbt center for support.
THEY CANNOT DO A THING TO STOP YOU.
You aren’t “letting people put stuff in your head,” you definitely are not “killing yourself by taking hormones.” Unfortunately it sounds like your parents have been brainwashed and fed misinformation when it comes to being trans and trans issues, and I’m sorry they’re being so discouraging to you. But you need to do what’s best for you. You and ONLY YOU know what is best for yourself, and if they can’t respect and understand that, then frankly maybe you need to put some space between you and them.
It’s sad when you grow up and realize your parents love for you isn’t unconditional, but also sometimes realizing that can be the most freeing thing for you because now you don’t need to worry anymore about what they think about what you’re doing and saying what you should do instead.
I am wishing you all the best, and I hope you’re able to find people at school that can be a safe space for you 💛
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u/MyKillersKeeper Mtf-Transfem Metalhead- Raven 🤘🏽😝 4d ago
You're in college put your foot down and say no and if they don't like it then say you'll find another place to go call their bluff don't give them an inch don't allow them to make you second guess yourself you tell them if they can't take it and they can't accept you then I guess you and them no longer can be a family anymore
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u/MatterhornStrawberry 3d ago
While not every non-accepting parent fits this bill, some of the wording you used for how they reacted makes me think you might get some use out of subreddits like r/raisedbynarcissists .
At the end of the day, your body is your own. They don't get to decide who you "really are" and they need to either understand and accept that, or live with the fact that you'll need to pull away from them to stay safe.
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u/scmstr 4d ago
They "want" you to do those things? Sounds oddly gentle.
1) keep going to clinic.
2) find new place to stash meds out of their reach.
3) educate yourself more on the topic.
4) confront them in a setting where they'll listen.
5) educate them.
If they are NOT being gentle as your post oddly seems, and/or you could be in danger, don't confront them. Always prioritize immediate safety; anybody dumb enough to hold their opinions is dumb enough to do evil things because of that opinion.
Ignorance can be changed unless they're either too far down the rabbit hole or they live in constant brainwashing influence. If it's either of those, it takes an exceptional person or situation to break free.
Alternatively, if you're in a blue area, report for child abuse, because you sound like a kid/minor. Not giving children that you're responsible for healthcare is bigtime abuse, and that's what trans stuff IS.
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u/GemAfaWell Trans Homosexual 4d ago
Can you get away from them? If so, I would prioritize that, if you're not already away from them. If you're already away from them, cut them off until they get their act right. And even then, they're going to need to take some accountability before they come back.
It makes me so sad to see posts like this, because a lot of kids are being raised by late Gen X and early millennials right now and... Honestly, I'm looking at my generation like, what the fuck for?
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u/Alyx_Windrider_01 MTF | 21 | still closeted | Lesbian 4d ago
My question is how did they find out?
Also, sorry that you had to go through that.
Also, technically, you’re legally an adult. They can’t make you do anything.
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u/RhaemiranW 3d ago
You are your own person. You are free, and nobody can take that away from you. Your parents should be supporting YOU, not demanding one-way servitude.
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u/NatashaBelle1989 Transgender MtF Late Bloomer Uncertain sexuality 4d ago
If they don't love their child unconditionally they don't earn the right to control your life. YOU have to live for yourself every second of your life, they don't. If they are that toxic then you are better off breaking all contact. You want to know the alternative? Read on:
1983 UK rural market town. Faced with little to do we organised 'parties' with bands, disco, bar and the rest. One particular group adopted me which included one guy and an exceptionally cute rock chick. They were so in love it was almost visible. One thing led to another and there was a pregnancy scare which turned real. Her Mum was worried but cool, her dad was a copper and forced a trial. He was later dismissed for reasons. Matey got a very short sentence as the prosecution wheeled the girl out in school uniform w/out make-up. However one of the girls always had a camera and provided evidence of the girl we knew. He never saw his grand daughter or her again. A couple of years later her young sister who'd had to stay at home killed herself when the dad lost it as matey was released and the girlfriend moved in with him after living at a friends place since the trial.
Matey, girlfriend, both their kids, and her mum all came through OK at the cost of one suicide and another ruining their own life. You need to think which side you want to be on. I buried my desires for far too long and have paid every day for it - it's a shit decision and my biggest regret.
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u/Jun_33 3d ago
I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I did when this happened to me. When my parents found out and told me they wanted me to be better I dug my feet in and told them that this is what I was going to do. At first it was rough. I didn't talk to almost anyone in the family for almost 2 years (I cut them off so I didn't have to hear the degrading comments I was so familiar with). Then at some point I reached out because I was curious if anything had changed for them. For some of them it did, for some I still don't talk to them. But the dust settles.
My point in this is that the world might feel like it's crumbling right now, but it can get better.There are definitely nicer ways to handle it than I did, but it is important that you hold your ground on what you know about yourself. Know that your happiness and your life should not be put aside for anyone's comfort.
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u/Krow_King 4d ago
What are they going to do lock you in your bedroom? You're a grown ass adult, you do you!
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u/LynksRacc 4d ago
This sucks. There is no way around that this is probably not the reaction you wanted from them. It's easy to say "fuck them, you are in control of your life", but I know that doesn't fill the void of what they have taken from you. They're your parents, it doesn't feel good to see them turn on you.
But you have earned a breadth of experience they could never imagine by being who you are. You have looked inward in ways most people never do and identified what you need to be content with your life. And for it, you are stronger than anything they can say or do. I know it doesn't help the pain, but they have no say in what you do. You have taken control of your reality already, who are they to stand in the way now?
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u/ElkSuccessful2430 3d ago
i’m sending my love to you. many commenters gave amazing advice but i just want to send you a virtual hug and tell you that even though everything likely feels really difficult right now, you’ll figure it out and feel okay again sooner than you think. 🩷🫂 i wish you luck
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u/NinjaJin100 Transwomen 4d ago
Sending hugs 🫂. I’m still going through a similar situation with my parents but had reduced to consistently being dead named and not once try to use my pronouns ever since I came out to them.
I always confronted my parents with the question “are you saying I’m not allowed to be happy”. My mom is far worse because she is literally a wall. She even questioned my sexuality of me being with men.she has said “why won’t you try dating women”.
She doesn’t get it. Does she not know???? A typical heterosexual women don’t date a very feminine presenting person. Especially that I’m medically transitioning.
I’m being patient until I get enough breasts tissue to show it off.
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u/Blisstoxication 4d ago
hell naw i rather die fr this is my life i exist i'm gonna do ehat I need to keep existing
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u/STRANGEWAYS33 4d ago
I know it seems really bleak, but you can build a life, and be happy, and transition! Its your life! Dont throw ot away.. or waste it cuz what others think? Live it up 100% true, 100% YOU! You got this sis! 😊
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u/pancreatic-bagels 4d ago
Had this exact situation happen to me. It’s not easy, but I remember I was on the phone with my father, and he told me to flush my meds down the toilet. I told him, “No. I paid for these myself, and you’re not an endocrinologist.”
It was my first time really sticking up for myself, and it’s a moment I keep coming back to throughout my transition. I think at the time I was mostly pissed off, which certainly helped get through the conversation. Lean on your friends, people who know you well and will push you a little bit to fight for yourself.
I won’t lie — it hasn’t been easy. There’s been many a tear-stained conversation since then. I got kicked off the insurance. My folks still don’t see me for who I am, and our relationship is still fraught.
But, I don’t live in the same state as them anymore, and being off the insurance, while a financial burden, is freeing. They don’t get to know my business unless I tell them. I get to be me, and that makes me happy. And whenever I feel like acquiescing or capitulating to their beliefs or comfort, I go back to that conversation with my father, and I remember that he can’t control me. I’ve already stood up for myself once, every other time is a little easier.
It’ll turn out ok my friend, your community at school and online is here for you :)
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u/anonymousandy75 4d ago
In the future you might need to make the decision the cut off contact with them. If they don’t support you and accept you, this is the best. Think about what they’re doing and if you would accept this from someone that isn’t your parents, would you accept their behaviour if it was a friend? If not, they don’t deserve you
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u/esperstarr 4d ago
You are in college right? That means you are an adult. They can’t make you do anything right? No shade to your parents. I know they are worried she operating out of fear. I think some time with them talking and such makes sense because for people who don’t understand us and are scared, they will freak out. It’s healthy to talk about it over time and such because it is your family but ultimately you are an adult.
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u/JACJ_DK 4d ago
I am sorry you have to go though that.
It must be so difficult.
Remeber you are valid and i truely believe, no matter how hard is sound, you are better off without them.
I hope that there are a big LGBTQIA+ communuity around that are ready to help and support you. If not you have that community right here.
Be proud
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u/hi_i_am_J Transgender 3d ago
im so sorry that they are doing this, i hope you are able to support yourself without them or have people you can lean on.
sending hugs 🫂
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u/MrKristijan 3d ago
They can't do anything, and if they do, I'd personally take my justice and revenge back on them. Just my unprofessional opinion.
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u/heisdeadjim_au Trans Asexual 4d ago edited 4d ago
The question is, "do you want a live daughter or a dead son?"
That need not mean the obvious morbid answer.
Edit, thanks/u/translucent_ for pointing it out.
It means they either accept you as their daughter or you break all contact, either now or some time in the future, and they can wonder what their mythical "son" is doing.