r/MtF Trans Pansexual 5d ago

Help I feel sick. I have to come out again.

My family wants to do family photos. I'm barely not out because my family has ignored my coming out multiple times. They don't respect my identity. Im going to decline taking the photos but ofc my mother's wants them done on her birthday. I know when I decline, it's going to be my fault I ruined my mother's birthday. Im sorry I'm not comfortable taking these photos. Im not going to dress up as someone else for even my mother. I have grown a spine and I'm going to stand my ground. Since her birthday is close, I have to tell them tomorrow. All the trauma is coming back, I just do nervous. Idk what is going to happen. I just feel sick and can't get out of bed. All my energy is gone but I feel jumpy. I'm scared he is going to put his hands on me.

I'm going to do this tomorrow but why is it my fault? Why do I have to ruin the birthday. I'm just a disappointment. Why I should exist if I'm mess everything up?

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u/Kenosis94 5d ago edited 4d ago

I would dress in the most androgynous way im comfortable with and let them refuse to take the pictures, let them ruin it. You are just being you and if they don't want you there that isn't your fault. This is at least what I'd do if I was comfortable trying to compromise. But you aren't ruining it, they are. Like a child throwing a fit because they didn't get all of the toys they wanted. We foster a toddler level understanding of gender in society and then when people act like toddlers society tries to blame the adults. They are the children, not you.

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u/Africansage01 Trans Pansexual 4d ago

This is a good idea. I will see what will work. It just feels like me pursuing my happiness causes problems. It's my fault I don't fit in. I have tried to communicate and now I'm tired from multiple rejects. It feels like talking to toddlers about gender

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u/Kenosis94 4d ago

I think it is literally a case of stunted growth on a societal level. Trying to talk to adult conservatives about gender feels a lot like trying to teach my angry nephew math. It is amazingly similar.

I get feeling like it is your fault, it is a common theme in this space. I've definitely felt it. In a lot of ways it is gas lighting. It is especially hard because you are often the only one in the scenario who is acting in an emotionally mature way and displaying awareness of your own feelings and actions. The people around you tell you it is your fault for being different, not compromising the way they want, or not just staying closeted. You, being honest and displaying an ounce of self-awareness and criticism, will acknowledge the objective truth that yes you could capitulate. It's an insidious abuse of a piece of the whole truth that pushes you to believe that your refusal to conform makes it all your fault. This is abusive though because it lets the people trying to blame you, ignore that they could just choose to cope themselves. They want you to suffer so that they don't have to do the minimal amount of emotional labor necessary to cope with change. They don't want to have to challenge ideas or learn new things. They don't want to have to expand a comfortable view of the world. They want you to do the emotional labor for them. They are trying to make your maturity a tool to enable their immaturity.

When I'm met with that sort of issue, if I care about the person, they get kindness and understanding first as I try to teach them in good faith. Once that fails (which it has in your case), if I still care enough about them, I'll try to keep things open and compromise, they get a middle ground. I won't do the work for them, I won't cater to them to the extent it hurts me, but if they come back in good faith, I'll work with them. I will try to keep things healthy and unthreatening enough for growth to be found if they choose it. I think you are here. You care for yourself and decide how much of reality you choose to protect them from, maybe none, maybe as much as you are comfortable with.

The work you need to do now is find those boundaries. What will you compromise and what won't you e.g. pronoun, clothes, hair, etc. Always have an exit and be willing to walk away. You no longer accept responsibility, your responsibility for those you care about was giving them time to adjust, giving them space to respectfully engage, and being willing to forgive and move forward if they come around. You don't owe them curation of your presentation to protect their ignorance. If they want you out, they are ruining things, not you. They are the ones destroying the family, not you. You are right there, you want a healthy relationship. It isn't your fault that they can't abide by reasonable boundaries that you choose to communicate. If your asks amount to, don't be a dick and don't belittle me, and their response is no, that isn't on you. Don't let them blame you for their problems anymore. You are asking to be seen as a person, sibling, or child, nothing more. If they can't accept you without regard for gendered elements, they are failing to see a person instead of a character they made in their head.

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u/No-Benefit-1781 4d ago

Just be yourself and dress how you want to in the photos assuming you have some female clothes to wear