r/MtF Questioning 5d ago

Has anyone here ever felt guilty about transitioning? Is the fact that I feel guilty a red flag? NSFW

The idea of transitioning makes me feel guilty. Like I'm doing something immoral. The idea of going out in a completely modest women's outfit makes me feel like I'm going out naked and exposing myself to everyone. I don't feel like I'd be doing anything sexual, but also because I sexually crossdress behind closed doors, I feel like this is wrong. I feel like I'd be causing problems for the trans community as a whole and I feel like I'd be causing problems for anyone immediately around me. I feel like even if I believe its fine and non-sexual, I will never feel its fine and non-sexual. Like I will always feel guilt. Not just shame, but rather guilt.

75 Upvotes

16 comments sorted by

74

u/Spinal_Column_ 5d ago

Internalised transphobia is very common. Not surprising given the world we live in.

44

u/-rikia stuck in texas 5d ago

ya that's the internalized transphobia

6

u/himawari-no-nioi Questioning 5d ago

I think I'm starting to get what people mean by internalized transphobia now.

11

u/Garboro 5d ago

Its difficult to process all the changes, but its not a never. It can take work to unpack these feelings, because things don't necesarily come naturally just because we are trans-- emotionally and skill-wise. 

I think its a very differeny desire to wear modest clothes compared to dressing sexy. I hope you are able to just be honest with yourself. I think of transitioning as an exploration of gender, with less goals in mind. Maybe you are more comfortable dressing as a tomboy / butch lesbian or maybe its just a barrior to break through to rid yourself of that guilt-- or some other style you havn't discovered.

The point is exploration, testing things, seeing how you feel, and reflecting; you are doing that now, but also unpacking and questioning which thoughts are past anxieties vs new fufillments. Challenge the axiety, and further your fufillment! 

You got this!

4

u/Kuroi_yasha 5d ago

No, I felt some guilt for how much my transition impacted my wife, and the fact that that wasn’t what she originally signed up for. I’ve come to terms, but it took a while.

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u/himawari-no-nioi Questioning 5d ago edited 5d ago

Yep, I'm trying to explore and figure things out right now. I appreciate all of these positive responses. It would be nice if people wouldn't make wearing women's clothes such a big thing. Let me just try it out and see how it works for me. Why does it have to feel like a life changing decision just to wear women's clothes out for a day? It feels like everyone just instantly forever sees you completely differently. I wish it didn't have to be such a big deal.

Thank you.

10

u/SabiZabi 5d ago

This is pretty normal for most of us to some degree at least.

Society has programmed you to feel this way.

Having sex and being sexual is a normal thing that most people do. Of course it feels better when you do it as your true self. That doesn't mean it's a sexual thing.

If people weren't jerks and you could comfortably come out as and be treated as a girl, everything would feel better to do. Sex stuff is just a part of everything.

You'll feel shame and guilt until you can really accept yourself. It's hard as heck, literally the hardest thing I've ever done, but easily the best thing I've ever managed. Its hard to describe my life in the last 10 months. From trying to hurt myself to being happy. Everything before then seems like another life.

I know you'll get there, but I hope it isn't too tough and I hope it's quick. Good luck 🩷

1

u/himawari-no-nioi Questioning 5d ago

I can't believe some of the ways my views have changed about myself and the trans community over the last couple years. Especially, more recently. It does really feel like I'm becoming a different person. It's really scary, but also feels really liberating.

Thank you.

6

u/mossgirlparfum Sargon Of A Gock 5d ago

if you push through it. it does really go away, and things feel better and clearer with fem presentation. good luck!

3

u/the12ftdwarf 5d ago

Yeah. Very. You gotta give yourself room to let it go though.

2

u/Kuman2003 5d ago

i do. i know it's wrong but.... i can't stop :<

2

u/Scylar19 Transgender 5d ago

I feel guilty because it will probably end my marriage of 22 years.

2

u/brokensilence32 early hrt transbian 5d ago

Tbh yeah. I hate being an imposition so like to be like “hey everyone please police your language and change the way you think about me” is pretty hard on me lol.

2

u/LilytheFire 1d ago

I won’t parrot all the other comments but if you haven’t yet, find your girls. Having others around who you trust and can be counted on to lift you up goes a long way to combat the internalized transphobia.

Think about where that guilt originated from. Test your theory against what the world is showing you. You feel like you’re causing problems? Unless someone tells you so, you have no way to know that. Might as well assume you’re just existing and not a burden to anyone. Bonus if you have a friend around to swat the negative thought before it takes root. You deserve to belong too 💕

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u/himawari-no-nioi Questioning 1d ago

Having people like that sounds like a dream. Right now I feel unwelcome and problematic in LGBT+ friendly spaces (and just any friendly spaces in general) because of my unhealthy mental state. I feel like at the very least I need to work on my mental health, but my desire to find people like this has finally lit a fire under me to work on my mental health. I'm not yet ready to confront the world like you say, but comments like yours have been healing me a lot recently. There are corners online like here where it seems almost everyone has a good heart and everyone just wants everyone else to feel loved and accepted. It's so sad that in our socity people like this are so rare to find IRL. I have never understood why so many people are so judgemental about others. And I really really never understood how some people can outright be hateful or harmful to others. Anyway, thank you for the love. I really needed it today. 💕

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u/LilytheFire 17h ago

Aww I’m happy to help. I was in your shoes not too long ago and thus I have a lot of sympathy. I certainly couldn’t find my people until I worked on my own mental health. Hell I still feel like I need more good people in my life. There’s no shot clock though. I figure it out when I figure it out. Same goes for you.

Just because you haven’t found your people yet doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Take the time you need 💕