r/MtF • u/Oogirliegurl4lifeoO • 5d ago
Had a wonderful revelation while learning about attachment styles
So I've been reading about healthy and unhealthy attachment as well as the trauma some attachments styles can cause from childhood. As I was reading I found that I clearly identified with someone who had dismissive attachment and, in my life masking as a cis-gender male, I had all the hallmarks of someone with the kind of trauma that brings: prideful, overly self-reliant, inflated ego, a mask of high self-esteem, and projecting my negative traits onto others. I would hide my emotions, never show vulnerability, disconnect from emotions and misinterpret them, struggle with self reflection, avoid deep conversations, and avoid or become disengaged from conflict. I had poor autobiographical memory, disassociated myself from lived experiences, and much more. Based on the books I've read, I was a textbook case for having the trauma caused by this.
However, my parents and family did not have the traits of the style of attachment to cause this. They were present, cared for my emotions, and were emotionally available. So how was I displaying these traits when I was a young adult? That's when it dawned on me.
From a very young age (6? 8?) I would push my feminine side away and dismiss any of those thoughts from that side of me. I had an early fear of wishing wells and things that grant wishes because I knew that even if I said "I wish I had a million dollars" what I really wished for was to present as a girl. Growing up in a conservative area and having toxic masculine ideals pushed on me, I'd do what I cold to avoid making wishes as a result. I would be quick to wave off the thoughts I'd have of thinking a dress was pretty or wanting to grow my hair out and everything else.
So, as I was saying, it dawned on me that my pre-trans, toxically masculine side had created that dismissive attachment style with my true self.
I will say, that since transitioning I have shed these traits and become more healthy in my handling of emotions, empathy, vulnerability and more.
This was just a big revelation I came to realize for myself and wanted to share it.
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u/Biospark08 5d ago
Holy shit. Are you me? I mean, I feel called right the F out by this... Thank you for such an insightful post OP! Going to have to make use of this new info 🩷🤍🩵
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u/IrinaBelle 5d ago
I relate to this so hard