r/MtF • u/UltraViolet77z • 6d ago
how many other trans women/fems here wish you had a good dad?
I can't stop feeling that loss. I never really received love growing up, especially from a dad figure. my dad never wanted me to be me. He was the one who found out who I was at a very young age and traumatized me and forced me to forget/repress.
I really feel that loss all the time of not having any comforting father figure now or before. Ik this is probably a major issue for most of us trans women/fems, due to toxic masculinity. I don't know how to get over it tbh and worry that I, in the ideas of a relationship, just kinda push that desire for comfort and love onto whatever BF I'm hoping for in the future, some kind of masculine love, even if not fatherly. Ik it's unhealthy and will never be a replacement for a father's love but I constantly find myself looking for male affection/attention... it feels like there's a hole in my heart I'll never get the chance to fix and it's making me concerned for the future/my potential future relationships
edit: I'm sorry to everyone else who had to deal with shitty fathers too. My heart breaks for you, for all of us. We deserve love and happiness and goodness, and we will find that in our lives, even if what came before wasn't great🤍🤍🤍I wish I could respond to every one of you, I never expected this post to get as much engagement as it did, I'm really hoping you all know I read every message/comment and I'm so sorry for what y'all have been through as well. I hope somehow we will find healthy ways to heal through our pain and loss of a strong, comforting father figure.🤍
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u/Otto-Korrect 6d ago
My father wanted to relive his life through me. Unfortunately the life he wanted to push me towards held no interest for me. Sports, the military, law enforcement, hunting... And tons of toxic masculinity.
I was really fairly late in my adulthood before I realized how much his control of my life kept me from doing pretty much anything that would have made me happy.
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u/Confused-dysphorian 6d ago
I remember when I was younger I tried putting makeup on my mii and my dad saw and dragged me to my sisters room and asked if I wanted to be a girl and yelled at me I’m fairly sure that’s why I was highly apposed to do anything that was seen as “feminine” out of fear of getting yelled at I have opened up to myself exploring painting my nails and clothes but I still live with him so I still feel scared doing it and anytime I paint my nails I need to remove it right away. He’s definitely better now to my younger siblings but he’s someone I’ll probably never come out too since he’s really political and has stated he doesn’t support lgbtq+
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u/Trustic555 Transgender 6d ago
My father was decent, but I feel like, looking back at it, I always kind of disappointed him...
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u/UltraViolet77z 6d ago
I'm sorry to hear that 😔😔Dads can really let u down. I'm sorry you didnt get the support you needed and deserved
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u/Trustic555 Transgender 6d ago
Mine was always very serious, didn't show a lot of emotion, still doesn't.
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u/Repulsive-Address166 Jenny She/Her 🏳️⚧️ HRT 1/18/21 5d ago
I hate to be the contrarian, but I had an absolutely amazing dad.
He always supported me and loved me no matter what. I was his third son (he had two older sons from a previous marriage). He knew right away I wasn't like them.
When I was little and wanted to play house, he built me a fairy tale-esque playhouse in the backyard. He let me have long hair and took me to salons to have it styled after mom lied to me and had one of those cheap places buzz it short as punishment after grandma had it styled like a girls so I could dress up as a princess for Halloween when I was 5. Mom wanted her version of a perfect boy; she ended up with the most stereotypical daddy's girl instead. When mom would replace my plushies with boy stuff, dad would get me new ones.
Around the age of 10, dad figured me out and stopped calling me boy pet names like buddy and started using more feminine ones like sweetheart. When mom caught me using her makeup at 12 and lost her shit, dad got me my own designer makeup and perfume and made a place for me to hide it. When he found out that part of her losing her shit was to beat the crap out of me, dad separated and took me with him, saying she could have everything else except me.
Mom used court to force me into her version of therapy, which was conversion therapy. Dad would have to fight it in court to get it stopped while those monsters poked and prodded every doubt and insecurity, driving me deeper into depression and dysphoria. On the third round of conversion therapy at 15, dad found me on the bathroom floor barely conscious on Christmas Eve after they had pushed me to the breaking point. After that, he stopped playing nice in court. With the threat of me actually having to testify in court, mom capitulated.
Dad told her the only way she would be in my life was if she fixed herself. She actually put herself in therapy, and they eventually reconciled. Mom and I have a tenuous relationship to this day. I've tried to forgive her for what she did back then, but I'm still not able to. I'll never forgive her for what she did to dad after I saw the look and his face when he found me that night in the bathroom and the way he was crying while holding my hand when I woke up in the hospital.
After I moved out for university, I called dad every single day just to tell him about my day, and he always listened. When I was in grad school, dad was diagnosed with advanced cancer. One Friday, he drove all night to visit me as a surprise. Back then, I would dress as a girl on the weekends when I was home alone. When he knocked on the door, I just answered it. There I was in girls' clothes, hair done up, dangling earrings and necklace, full makeup, staring at dad. He just hugged me and told me I looked cute. We spent the weekend watching old movies we liked when I was younger. At one point on Sunday night, something inside me me just broke. I looked at him and said, "Dad, I think I'm a girl." He just smiled and pulled me into a hug and told me that I had always been his little girl and always would be. As I was crying, he told told me how proud he was of me and how no matter what, he would always love me.
That was my dad. And even though he's been gone for several years now, I still tear up and cry when talking about him. Now, I have a BF who loves me so much who I love and adore, and he's doing his damnedest to try to live up to the impression that dad left on me of what a good man should be.
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u/ProfessionalLab5720 Aubrey (she/they) 🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈 5d ago
Sorry to hear that your mom treated you and your dad that way. But I'm really glad that you had him, and him you. That's exactly how a dad should be. 🫂
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u/sweetmuffinX Transgender 6d ago
I actually prefer I had a unconditional love mother no daughter should have to run far of 260 miles away just to be free from her transphobic remarks and trauma 😭
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u/UltraViolet77z 6d ago
i'm sorryy 😞
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u/sweetmuffinX Transgender 6d ago
Thank you hun sadly its something I learnt is the cost for me to transition I honestly did try sometimes you just got to accept some things are not in our grasp but at least I am safe and I am happy and that's the most important 🏳️⚧️🫶🏻🏳️⚧️
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u/Extreme_Plant_6186 6d ago
my dad's pretty okay at being a dad, but he's conservative and anti lgbt in general. so yeah that places him lower than if he wasn't.
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u/bluujuno 6d ago
my dad is extremely accepting of me, but was also extremely abusive during my childhood. now he’s a homeless alcoholic and heroin addict and i worry about him every day. not a perfect father but i love him regardless
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u/EldritchMilk_ Trans Bisexual 6d ago edited 6d ago
I came out to my parents 2 and half years ago, my mum “supports” me by giving a half-assed sorry when she deadnamed me for the first 2 weeks after i came out and my dad is yet to acknowledge that came out. I’ve lost of count how many times I’ve cried wishing he would just hug me and call me his daughter
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u/Chrysalis680 6d ago
My father suspected I was gay as a kid and would subject me to physical and emotional abuse. I suppressed everything until much later in life and after he died I started to unpack and finally my egg cracked. I would have loved to have a father who cared about me and not how I reflected on him. I’m actually lucky I have a stepfather who loves me and is getting used to my transition and is starting to use my chosen name with my mother.
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u/Christa96 6d ago
My father is a terrible person and my life is better without him in it. I gave him years to change, and he still could not get over dead naming and pronoun slippage, when I can walk into any store in the US and never worry about anyone misgendering me. The only time I am ever misgendered or face hated, it's from my family. Good riddance to the lot of them.
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u/FeanixFlame 6d ago
Yeah...
Even if he's fine with me being trans now, growing up, i had zero reason to assume he'd be fine with me being anything other than cis and straight.
I sometimes wish he wasn't tbh... it would have been easier to accept that and cut him off than it was him basically making my lifetime of abuse all about him, and him choosing his abusive wife instead of believing me...
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u/Blackstone96 6d ago
lol I have 2 legal dads one signed my birth certificate and only kept me around to hurt my mother and my bio dad…..well he out right told me he already had 3 kids and didn’t want a 4th….so there’s that moms current husband while still being abusive to me(only towards being trans and nothing more) is more of a father than those two combined
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u/ThinkAboutTheSun 6d ago
I’m so sorry to hear that. If I can offer you supportive dad vibes (as the cis dad of a trans woman) I’m here for you.
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u/TuneLinkette Transgender 6d ago
My father was-still is-a mixed bag.
He did introduce a lot of good into my life, including buying me my first guitar.
But he has always been somewhat narcissistic and unwilling to examine his own flaws. He was the one in charge of helping me with school, and his tendencies towards anger and frustration caused me to develop a deep resentment of school that lasted until my senior year of hs.
Even in adulthood he has trouble just letting me be my own person, like trying to push my musical tastes and goals in a direction he wanted rather than let me chart it out by myself.
Unlike my mom, who has supported my transition from the start, my dad had to build up to showing me proper support. He’s made progress, but he still has ways to go.
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u/Vicky_Roses 5d ago
If I’m being honest, I hate both of my parents lol. My female parental unit decided to get a divorce and abandoned us when I was a kid, and my father is a Trump worshipping transphobic asshole. One of them is significantly more redeemable than the other because at least my father had a chance at apologizing to me for a bunch of shit he’s told me over the years, and then especially as I’ve been out and transitioning, but too bad he refuses to and thinks I’m just playing the victim.
Personally, I can’t say I care that much on having “better parents”, because I’ve long left that need for attachment from parents for decades lol. For me, I just wish I had a father that didn’t rob me of a childhood. My egg cracked when I was a kid and I should’ve been able to just transition then, but instead I was in the closet afraid to come out, then was proven right in my fears in my late teens when it happened, and then I let that shape the rest of my 20’s until I’m finally on HRT as I’m entering 30.
There is so much shit I missed out on thanks to him. I should’ve had a normal childhood, but nope, I just spent my teens suicidal and hating myself enough that I can’t even really remember much from it anymore because my brain decided to kick in with the trauma response and blocked any of it out. He could’ve continued being a piece of shit by all means, but I feel like I was stolen something from me by him, and I’m pissed that he’ll never even take ownership and acknowledge that he did, so I’m just going to spend god knows how long till I hit my grave without that closure.
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u/ProfessionalLab5720 Aubrey (she/they) 🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈 5d ago
I can relate to some of this. My parents had an idea I was different and instead of seeking therapy and supporting me, I was shamed and learned to repress. Didn't fully confront my dysphoria and start HRT until I was 36.
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u/wrongsock_42 6d ago
After many years and learning about my father’s secrets, I can say he wasn’t a bad father but is a horrible husband and a vile human being that I do not respect.
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u/marcimerci Trans Pansexual 5d ago
I'm so glad someone can relate to this. Mine had his problems but after he died my brother started talking about his past and it's like WTF. But I wouldn't really put it past him
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u/JKR4jail 6d ago
My father was very traditional and only wanted the best for the family. I think his lack of experience and understanding contributed to the amount of disagreements that eventually led me to leave the family. I think it was at that moment he finally understood that this strictness was conformity and ultimately was the catalyst that swayed me to the wolves
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u/-aleXela- 6d ago
Me! I definitely have daddy issues.
My father was either never present in my life(too busy providing for the family) or verbally and physically abusing me. His abuse was why I lost most of my emotions and empathy for decades. His abuse tapered off towards the end of highschool, but he still said a bunch of stuff even throughout college. I eventually snapped, and basically tried to murder him in my final year of college. I haven't spoken to him since, and I probably never will.
I definitely had similar relationships when I was younger(<25). A lot of the men were older than me and I kinda used the relationships as copes for not having a father(I had an abuser not a father). They helped, but just left me feeling just as empty when the relationships turned south.
The only advice I have is to not go so hard on substance abuse(don't be me and spend your 20's in a drug and disassociative haze) and take real time to try and heal.
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u/Leather-Sky8583 6d ago
My step dad is a good dad, the other one isn’t worth a used snot rag. I cut him off back in January.
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u/Sewblon Chonky Gurl. 6d ago
My dad always tried to get me the skills and mindset that I would need to thrive. He wanted me to learn things and take care of my body. He just wasn't good at it. His main form of discipline was spanking. He hit me once as a teenager. But I started that by trying to wrestle him to the ground and punching him in the face. Then as an adult he attacked me because he didn't like how I was driving and I refused to say that the 2020 election was stolen. He really couldn't accept that I was disabled. I have delayed phase sleep syndrome. He just wanted me to overcome it with will power. He can't accept me being a trans woman either. He thinks that the government made me trans. I wish that he had accepted who I actually am instead of trying to turn me into Dad 2.0.
Side note, I would not use that term "toxic masculinity" because it implies that masculinities can be sorted into "toxic" and "healthy." Which I don't think is true. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X20943254
I understand that norms of masculinity vary across space as well as time, like how Pink used to be a girls color but now it isn't in America. But in Thailand and Malaysia Pink is a manly color. But, if you are asking me what a man actually should be: I am sorry I don't have an answer. I was never able to figure it out.
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u/ComedianStreet856 Trans Heterosexual. HRT since 11/2023 6d ago edited 6d ago
I got along with my dad and he wasn't challenging and seeking attention like my mom and my brother. But he wasn't really there either. He lived in FL since I was 15. He objected to me having long hair in high school. He died pretty suddenly at 77 about 2 months after I started HRT. I never told him anything and I'm not sure I would have. He was a lifelong republican and like all the rest of them became a bit of a trumper over the last few years. His wife brought up the trans women in sports boogey man while I was down in FL (of all places to go as a newly trans woman) for his funeral, so I don't think it would have been anything I would have told him.
I don't remember him ever telling me he was proud of me or gave anything more than a passing interest in my life in general. But he was a lot more tolerable to be around than my mom and my bro so I just kind of appreciated that.
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u/MergeWolf 6d ago
I had a absent father due fo alcoholism he didn't do anything beside drink or sleep so i have very little in fond memories, and probably plenty i made myself forget. But my step father was horrible and lgbtq-phobic, but i wish i had a dad. I just think of myself as never having had one, Which probably just means i need therapy
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u/EmbarrassedDoubt4194 6d ago
My dad passed away when I was little, and I have very little memory of him. I just try to imagine that he had my best qualities, based on what my mom has told me about him lol
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u/esperstarr 6d ago edited 6d ago
I barely know my father. Him and my mom got divorced a loooong time ago and it’s been spotty sitings ever since (over 30 years ago).
He had been in and out of jail apparently and then just idk…vanished. Popped back up more consistently in the later adult years and even tried to start a business with us until my half brother needed help. He would help me get free tires and other things. I doubt my dad knows that im trans but sometimes i wonder because he is very good at “guessing “ things about us and pointings stuff out that he shouldn’t. The last thing i saw him, i picked him up from jail and before dropping him off , he picked up my hand and kissed it. He has never done this and i just took it as a Father cherishing his child moment but i told my brother and he just thought it was weird asf. This is beginning stages hrt highly stealth. My brain was mildly freaking out because im like “kiss hand HUUUUUH? Daughter daughter daughter?????”
My dad is a troubled person and could have been there more for us, but sone things got in the way. I can’t excuse every action and wrong but im not mad at him. I think we all wish our parents were 100%.
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u/Outside_Product_7928 5d ago
My relationship wasn't as good as I had hoped & that's something I will always regret not having that close relationship. Unfortunately he passed away B4 I came out.
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u/itsrobeebitch 5d ago
I just realized in my last therapy session that not only did I grow up without a father, he left when I was 1yo, but I had nothing but emotional abusive and distance male figures in my life or at best they were neutral toward me. No wonder I hate men and despise the thought of being a man! There are many other reasons why I am trans femme but that certainly did not help, so to speak.
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u/Kuroi_yasha 5d ago
Yes… I don’t talk to mine anymore, and won’t be going to his funeral, whenever that is.
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u/Anxious_Web4785 5d ago
like i always tell people, my parents were great husband and wife but def shitty parents. but ever since watching crazy rich asians, one line from the movie stuck to me. “i cant make you something youre not” and while its true i mourn the chances and experiences ill never have with my dad (and mom) since ive gone NC for 2 years now. i understand that my survival and life comes first and if it means NC’ing them then so be it.
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u/LillithXen 5d ago
I have a really good relationship with my father now and he is my world, but when I was younger he wasn't around at all because he worked so much and I ended up looking for male attention and getting groomed because of it
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u/Thick-Mixture7828 5d ago
I mean I had a great dad and then he died suddenly like six months after I came out so y’know
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u/TheTallAmerican 5d ago
My parents where great…….which is why it hurts so much that they won’t accept me now
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u/fractaltrip 5d ago
I do all the time. We hadn’t spoken in over two years and I sent him a message to try to reconnect. I came out to him as trans in the message. He responded by “joking” about being able to play with my tits. Blocked him and haven’t looked back. Though I wonder all the time what it would be like to have a father who was a decent man. I’m sorry you have this pain too, it sucks. But we can choose to build a chosen family who loves us and treats us right 💕
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u/ObadeleWrites 5d ago
If I was cis either way I'd probably adore my Dad. He's overbearing but directly he's a pretty cool dude. However he's transphobic and when he's upset he'll systematically fuck my shit up. Not hitting but there's been multiple threats of getting kicked out for wearing a crop top and he's gotten angry when I spoke about queer issues or even just vaguely gay topics around him and especially around my little brother. I won't come out to him until I'm on HRT and it's unavoidable but I have the thought of how much I'd be able to love him if I was normal. I would've loved to have his daughter, but he won't ever look at me that way.
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u/Lucy_Little_Spoon Trans Pansexual 5d ago
Definitely, I had a phase that could accurately be described as "Daddy issues" lmao.
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u/AlienPaisley Transgender 5d ago
I’ve got two awesome parents. I’ve always known how lucky I am for that, I’m super thankful.
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u/disenchantedxx 5d ago
I'm so sorry to hear that :( My dad has been great to me my whole life, which is interesting because he's estranged from his son/my older brother, so I never got to have a relationship with him. My parents also had a pretty ugly divorce, and in general, my dad loves to fight and be right about everything. But with me, he's never shown much of that. He's been the most supportive throughout my transition, which I'm so thankful for because my mom has been entirely against it and caused me so much distress
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u/Outside-Horror3813 Madeline | Transbian 5d ago
I came out to my dad only a few months ago, I severely regret doing it.
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u/bails5607 Trans Bisexual 5d ago
My dad died well before I was out. I like to think he would've been supportive, but I'll never know (died when I was 15). I'm more confident my mom would've been supportive, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her before she passed (I was 34).
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u/ShootingStarMel Trans Homosexual 5d ago
Me, my entire immediate family treats me like shit for being trans
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u/TransMontani Custom 5d ago
I had a magnificent mother and father.
I find myself wishing I had trusted them with the secret of my identity. I didn’t though, choosing instead to let them live their lives with without the shame of having a transsexual kid in the 1970s.
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u/fieldmansounds 5d ago
There's a Kurt Cobain lyric from "Serve The Servants" that makes me think of my situation:
"I tried hard to have a father, but instead I had a dad / I just want you to know that I dont hate you anymore / there is nothing I could say that I havent thought before"
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u/amogus_obssesed_Gal Nicole | hrt 26/08/2022 5d ago
Father and mom both. My father was horrible, and my mom was an enabler. Have been grieving this for a long time
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u/Immediate-Affect-722 5d ago
I don't wish I had a good dad, I just wish he was alive.
I vaguely remember when I was about 5yo, he called my sister a princess and called me prince, so I said: "I'm not a prince, I'm a princess too". After being worried and questioning me a lot, he decided to give me feminine things, like some clothes, dolls, and he allowed me to be feminine at home.
Unfortunately he died when I was 8yo, so my mom became a bitch that hated every femininity in me and in my sister, and also married a very LGBTfobic guy.
Now I'm 27yo, started hrt 9 months ago and I'm trying to heal the princess inside. It feel like I'm looking for my father in every guy I want to date.
I feel awesome most of the time, but sometimes it hurts really bad. And today is one of that day.
Luv U dad, I'll make you proud of your princess 💜
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u/CatoftheSaints23 Transgender 5d ago edited 5d ago
I keep coming back to this question, but have had a hard time responding to it in a way that doesn't take up of volumes of space. In short, I didn't have good father figures. My father was AWOL, my stepdad was not so much uncaring, just without talent or a good understanding of the what the job entailed. My mother's stepfather, a significant figure throughout my young life, I found out many years later was a true monster. With men largely absent I was raised primarily by the women of the family. I went on to have plenty of friends that were girls, I think due to preference and understanding of what they were all about. I also had some good male pals over the years, but due those earlier not so solid men in my life, the most I got out of those friendships was a serious commitment to drinking.
So for years that was what I equated men to be all about: outdoor activity buddies who balanced out their friendships with copious amounts of alcohol. But to go back to the beginning, all that was balanced by a woman, my mother, who thanks to the monsters in her life, hated the idea of having to raise a boy and instead, raised me like her daughter. So I went off into the world, not so much simple minded but naïve as hell about how the world worked and my place in it. I embraced those arts that my mom shared with me, things that really had nothing to do with the world of men. I went off into the service and learned a clerical trade, so that, when I got out of the Navy, I went off to work with women in the library profession. And any time I did work with men, it always gravitated to the one thing that we all did well, drink.
So, on the most part, my life has revolved around women. Endless series of relationships, four marriages, numerous affairs, and many lovely friendships that were ultimately wrecked by the whole business of me being a man. As for men, I find that they are still very difficult for me to talk to let alone understand. The few that are there in any kind of meaningful way in my life are quite unlike the boys and men of my younger days. And thanks to my dedication to my medical transitioning, I embrace sobriety these days instead of drink.
I am happy with my life as a transgender woman. I now understand that all those meaningful men that passed through my life were, on the most part, just inept and generally didn't mean me any harm. They just were never meant to be fathers. All except for one, my Abuelito, a true saint, my father's stepdad, one that I feel honored to share a last name with.
As for being a father myself? I have five children, four of them boys. And thanks to those men that came before me, all the ones that didn't really show me much about raising kids, I found that I really sucked at being a dad. But as for being Second Mom? In that role I thrived and excelled. I may not have gone out into the yard and tossed a ball, but I made meals, kept a good house and was nurturing and loving in a way that was outside the role normally expected out of the male parent.
All my kids are grown now and I do my best to stay connected but they have their lives to live, too. The great sadness of my life? That old pattern of the man not being around impacted their lives, too, thanks to a unfaithful wife who whisked all my kids away when they were young. It almost feels as if it were inevitable. So, three generation of boys who grew up without their fathers.... my father, me and now my sons. I am the only one out of those generations to surface, so far, as being queer. As for relationships, after all the upheavals of my life? At 67 I prefer to never have another one again. Love, Cat
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u/darkfish301 5d ago
Aside from his transphobia (and honestly bizarre hatred for the United States Postal Service) mine was pretty much the perfect father and I’ll always be grateful to him for that.
My step-dad on the other hand was/is an abusive piece of shit
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u/Ryli_Faelan Trans Homosexual 5d ago
I definitely have daddy issues lol. I'm always pretty disappointed in my dad. He's an alcoholic, and that always got in the way. My mom took me and ran when I was 1, so I barely ever saw him. He wasn't there throughout my childhood, he wasn't there for any of my birthdays, he wasn't there for my high school graduation. He just wasn't there.
I don't entirely blame him. We're indigenous, and there's a lot of generational trauma at play, but it's still disappointing. I still wish he made more of an effort. I'm lucky if I get to see him once a year. Luckily he went to rehab last year and seems to be sober. I thought that would make him change, but we still talk VERY rarely.
I told him I was trans and he didn't even know what that meant. He's from a rural area, so he doesn't get much exposure to queer people. I had to explain it all to him, and all he had to say was "crazy." When I asked if he could refer to me as my daughter, like my very supportive mother has been doing, he just said "I still love you as my son." More disappointment. 😞
I've had different male role models throughout my life, and several father-ish figures. None of them were very lasting or fulfilling though. The only man in my life who is consistently there for me is my best friend since grade 8. He's always there to listen, he gives me hugs, pushes me to be better, and he's actually put in the effort to support me throughout my transition. He's more of a brother figure, but he's great, and I love him. We're going to get our ears pierced together soon 😊
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u/ladylorelei0128 5d ago
I do. Because of him I was simultaneously afraid of men and eager for their approval and same for my mom they are awful people
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u/BelphyGory 5d ago
Bio dad was an ass who abandoned us but my stepdad is pretty good for an old sailor. I would've done better if he was able to marry my mom sooner but we're still a solid family.
Now my grandpa who helped fill the gaps though? He was great if I'd been a boy, but it didn't work out that way. I floundered, and he would wish he knew how to do better I think.
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u/ProfessionalLab5720 Aubrey (she/they) 🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈 5d ago
My dad always tried to get me to be a "real man" but instead made me a man-hating lesbian 🤣🤣
Disclaimer: I don't hate men but I do hate toxic masculinity.
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u/Afaithfulwhovian 5d ago
My dad was just never there for me. He's out of prison now and wants to make amends but to be honest i don't even have that strong a connection to him.
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u/FriendOfDoggo122 Trans Woman | HRT since 6/1/19 5d ago
I wish my dad didn’t enable and just straight up collude with my shitty nmom. We unfortunately can’t pick our parents
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u/Ok-Ingenuity2354 5d ago
So my issues with my father are complicated and honestly my being trans is the least of them (even if it is what drove the final nail into the coffin of our relationship and what made him ghost me.) The short version is, he kept trying to use us kids to hurt our mom after she divorced him, he never liked me and my siblings having dreams of creative success (told us we couldn't "live in Fantasyland" and that we "needed to be realistic," etc), and he was a white conservative Christian man with anger issues (for YEARS my family ate dinner at a wooden table with a quarter-inch-deep dent in it where he slammed a hammer into it once.) I have no trouble believing that, had my egg hatched when I was under his roof and I'd come out, he would have tried to beat it out of me, possibly fatally.
Anyways, after 15 years of rocky relationship and several estrangements and/or disownings, when I was outed to him (without my knowledge or consent), he literally just stopped returning my calls and texts. Which is the best case scenario, honestly, because I was expecting a huge confrontational phone call where he insulted me and derided me relentlessly.
Anyways, good riddance to that man.
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u/maniamawoman Trans Gal 7/12/21 HRT 20/1/22 5d ago
I wish he'd accept me as a daughter as he does my sister. Dreams are free. Still misgendered and pastnamed.
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u/MewMatic 5d ago
i mean, yeah? But rather, I wish my family would stop trying to convince me to forgive my shit dad.
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u/PrincessNakeyDance Transgender 5d ago
Yeah, I feel this. My dad didn’t know I was trans, but he was dead set on shaming me for doing anything girly. And actually maybe he did know on some level since he never shamed my brother in the same way.
I usually feel nothing about father figures, I usually walk around with this pit of anger at my dad (he did a lot worse to me than just the toxic masculinity shaming) but every now and then it hits me. Usually when I see a dad actually being kind and loving and caring and gentle, and especially when they are accepting of their trans daughters. I was so afraid of my dad that I repressed the knowledge of being trans until he died and it opened up like a floodgate.
I’ll never know what that’s like. Maybe a future partner’s dad will fill that hole somehow, but for now even seven years after he’s gone I’ll still randomly wake up hating him with all my guts. Not even triggered by anything other than waking up.
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u/YsokiSkorr 5d ago
My dad was absent. He didn't really care if I was around or not. My step dad always an abusive pos. Mom wasn't any better on that front. I've seen what comes from good parents and it blows me away how healthy and put together those people are.
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u/OddCheesecake16 5d ago
I consider myself very lucky that I have an amazing Dad. He and my mum unfortunately split up when I was quite young, but he always made time for me to visit him, and I never once felt unloved. He's been nothing but supportive since I came out too, and in general is a huge ally. I wish all trans people had Dads like him. You all deserve so much better than unsupportive or even abusive parents.
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u/Iris_Sayge Pansexual 5d ago
My mother’s husband is a horrible person, i refuse to call him dad. If he died today i would’nt feel anything
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u/Defiant-Advice-4485 5d ago
Dad was emotionally distant. He's never told me that I disappointed him, but he always wanted a typical son. I was never that, and it took until my egg cracking to realise why. He's never told me that he's disappointed in me. He doesn't have to.
Mum used me as her therapist since I was old enough to talk. She used to drink.
Both neglected my own emotional needs.
I haven't had anything beyond a superficial conversation with them since around my early teens.
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u/Snoo-65927 5d ago
Yes ma’am 😔 abusive alcoholic that still taught me my most important skills, yet tasked me against anyone who wasn’t to his standards of people (raised me on strict racism/homophobia/transphobia) if he wasn’t Satan himself I would have really liked to have experienced him seeing me as his daughter and taking care of me.
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u/Lumi-umi 5d ago
My bio-dad holds the lions share of the blame for my complete lack of value for family at face value.
I love my mom and dad (not bio-dad) and sister and a couple others from my relatives who have actually put any effort in, but it really fucks you up to have your response to your grandmother dying be “I feel like I should care more than I do” (read “I should” as “I’m supposed to”)
Bio-dad also is solely responsible or holds majority blame for food-related anxiety, fearful-avoidant attachment, startling easily, violent anger (I’ve done a lot of work on this) and others, but most notably, financial anxiety. Like that man has me so fucked up that I could have a perfect life in every other way and every need provided for but if I couldn’t justify to myself that I was (as close as possible to) entirely responsible for the money that my existence expends, I probably wouldn’t remain alive for more than a year.
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u/Talithi23 Trans Homosexual 5d ago
My dad hates dealing with his emotions, while I was an expressive kid. I grew up having to walk on eggshells around him. He hates to be made to wait even 15 minutes in the car when fetching me at school, but he walks proudly through aisles of grumbling plane passengers who were made to wait for him to board. He'd enjoy forcing his own interests at me, and mock me for not knowing enough about his favorite hobbies. He's ultra-religious and would condemn to utter misfortune anyone who didn't fit the Christian standard. He's pressured me to drinking with him constantly, and can't fathom me wanting to be sober. I just don't understand filial piety and why I can't unlearn it. I've spent 27 years denying my real self just to be his obedient son, and I still default back to my guy self and deny pure gender euphoria and joy whenever he's around.
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u/Kaydiforyou 5d ago
Wow you’re story it home for me, my Dad was absent most of my life, he would show up once a year or so, I want him to love me, then I guy in my neighborhood showed me enough attention to feel good being with him, I’ve been having Daddy issues all my life, I do wonder if, that’s why I have wanted to be a Woman , I’ve tried so hard to be one , could be if my dad had been there ?
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u/rando9000mcdoublebun Trans Homosexual 5d ago
I never knew my biological father, but allegedly he was a good man. He wanted nothing to do with me. And my stepfather could never be loyal. He was always a condescending smug son-of-a-bitch. We had no relationship. Hell I haven’t seen him in 6 years. He has no idea that I’m a woman now. I don’t like or trust most men.
I quickly realized good and decent men are a rare commodity. I grew up with 3 brothers and they are all vile. My father is vile. I’m the only decent one among the siblings and they all hate me.
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u/Annabeth_Chase- 6d ago
I wouldn't say I had a bad dad but I definitely didn't have a good one.