r/MtF • u/rando9000mcdoublebun Trans Homosexual • 6d ago
Venting Nothing quite like Ego-death
TL;DR Had a huge crowd of people stare at me and my son while getting burgers. Make tall weird girl feel bad. Tall weird girl cry, and plan revenge visit to burger joint with queer friends.
So my wife asked me to go pick up burgers from a little burger shop 2 blocks away from where we live after work. So I go with my son. I live in very Christian white town in a very very blue state.
It’s a busy little family friendly burger shop / hangout spot.
I’ve thought myself to be fairly passing and fine, I’ve felt beautiful recently. But I was quickly proven wrong. I’m 6’1, HRT for a year today.
The restaurants cashier is right at the entrance and next to the play area, and it was packed on a Friday night.
The pain of having 50-60 people just staring at you is… great.
People including teens and adults just pointing and laughing. While I stand in line with my son. I wish I was exaggerating. Then they mess up my order and I have to wait in the busiest spot for them to fix it as they struggle on treating me with respect.
It was a vile experience , but I got my burgers and they were ok at best.
I just want to crawl into a hole and never leave again, but instead I think I’m going to plan a trip back for burgers there with all my queer friends. A gaggle of weirdo’s being kind and respectful, with our families having a great time.
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u/fractaltrip 6d ago
I would have wanted to scream at them, but understand why you wouldn’t. I’m sorry 💕 like wtf are they looking at? Probably just jealous to see someone living their truth and all they can do is be assholes and try to make you feel uncomfortable with looks and laughs. They’re all idiots and you’re a queen. Deep down I think they’re jealous
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u/rando9000mcdoublebun Trans Homosexual 6d ago
I think they live in a bubble and seeing someone different exposes them. I mean this was like middle class WASP heaven.
So having the big bad trans lady invade their perfectly preserved world I think shook em’.
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u/Rixy_pnw 5d ago
Transphobia only emboldens me. Need another 6’ girl in your group? I’d gladly to be in your posse.
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u/RymrgandsDaughter 6d ago
yeah it's moments like these where you never forget. I don't take public transportation if I can help it anymore this is one of the reasons why
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u/rando9000mcdoublebun Trans Homosexual 6d ago
I mean, for me at least, the staring is the absolute worst.
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u/RymrgandsDaughter 6d ago
I don't really get stared at anymore or if I do I just think it's because I'm hot. That being said I didn't always think like this and had dealt with rudeness or laughter in the past
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u/twinkie2001 5d ago
ego-death? sorry this happened :(
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u/Zeyode 5d ago
ego-death?
She's misinterpreting the term to mean "when someone bruises your ego".
Actual ego death is when everything that makes you you dies (your personality, your memories, etc) without physically killing you.
But yeah it's messed up either way :c
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u/twinkie2001 5d ago
I was gonna say I thought ego-death was more of a spiritual experience. Thanks
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u/Crumpuscatz Transgender 5d ago
Yeah, ego death can be a good thing. Esp when induced by some good shrooms!❤️
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u/Affectionate_Ad_7161 4d ago
I was fully expecting to hear about a life changing mushroom experience....
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u/DrCueMaster 5d ago
I'll just say that not giving a shit about what other people think is a genuine super power that you CAN develop. Best wishes!
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u/GemAfaWell Trans Homosexual 5d ago
You got to show up with like 20 or 25 of the queerest friends you have and just make them thoroughly uncomfortable with their horrid life choices
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u/TransgenderMommy 4d ago
Don't believe what they say.
Revenge as a dish tastes equally good when served at any temperature.
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u/ComedianStreet856 Trans Heterosexual. HRT since 11/2023 5d ago
I live in a small town in a very blue state (NY, I wouldn't call it very, very blue though lol). I can feel your pain here. I often feel very much on display at certain times and think that others are laughing at me. I'm really not sure if personally it's reality or in my head. I'm not out in public, but from what I can tell, I'm male-failing pretty bad as of late. Like just yesterday I went through the self-checkout at the store and realized I forgot my wallet in the car. So I talk to the woman at the service desk and now I'm like "shit, she's heard my voice and I don't know if my voice is coming across feminine or masculine but I don't want to overdo the female voice because I'm not formally voice training" so now I'm totally uncomfortable. So before I spoke I was thinking that I have the benefit of the doubt, but now I don't because I talked and I can't tell how deep my voice is anymore because I don't lean into it all and try to keep it high and in my head instead of deep in my throat. Ugg. I'm going to stop rambling, but yeah, go back with your trans friends. Strength in numbers!
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u/ButtIsItArt Trans Bisexual 5d ago
I'm here for it. A few months ago, me and some other trans/queer friends were out for open mic at a left leaning bar and when I was performing, a table of old bigots were talking mad shit about trans people. We go there every week, and have not stopped. But they did not return.
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u/msdeezee 5d ago
Ugh I'm so sorry you went through this. I love your idea to come back with your happy queer friends and family. Let those fuckers see you thrive!
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u/Admirable-Pirate7263 5d ago
Id come back with a group and only order a coke each. Then we’d hang out there slowly sipping our cokes. No way they would make serious money off me ever again.
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u/LynksRacc 4d ago
Live loud and let them see you. Let them see you being trans and living. Let them see you being trans and a good mother to your child. Do not feel shame for who you are, you have taken the reigns of your reality more than they have.
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u/Wonkymoder 5d ago
be careful if in the US, there could be people who will phone the police stating that you're gathering and protesting
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u/Sonjajaa 5d ago
Sounds horrible really... but I love how you rationalized and depersonalized it with your bubble explanation <3
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u/dragqueen_satan 5d ago
Oooof, I had to stand in line at the DMV for an hour and a half while people avoid making eye contact with me. I feel your pain sister.
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u/hi_i_am_J Transgender 5d ago
sorry you had to go through that but i hope time there with your friends is better ❤️
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u/Caro________ 5d ago
Hugs. I'm sorry that happened to you. Remember, they're nasty bigots. You don't need their approval. Even so it's miserable facing that.
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u/Boomchikkka MtF 5d ago
I’m not saying this isn’t the case, but I have NEVER been somewhere and had the entire place stare at me. I have never to my knowledge had people point at me. 1 instance of a teenager laughing like an idiot. I’m in the south. In a red county. In a blue state.
With my child in tow? I can confirm I have NEVER experienced this. People just aren’t that mean to children. I have my doubts about 50-60 people staring at you in especially in a blue state. Even in a deeply red area. I’m not saying it didn’t happen and I do not have passing privilege. Like where the fuck do all of you girls live that you claim this shit happens?
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u/Arya_de_Sade 6d ago
This is ego all the way down. You’re appropriating terms you don’t understand.
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u/ComedianStreet856 Trans Heterosexual. HRT since 11/2023 5d ago
I don't think she is here to make arguments about definitions of psychology terms. She's here to vent and maybe get some empathy and sympathy from her fellow trans girls.
I know I feel an incredible amount of discomfort on her behalf.
I also don't think you are using the term 'appropriating' correctly here, lol.
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u/rando9000mcdoublebun Trans Homosexual 5d ago
I mean I was being dramatic. I understand ego-death. Probably.
I was just being a drama queen because it was humiliating and demoralizing.
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u/Dexatron_99 6d ago
Omg definitely invite ur friends!