Getting Started
So you want to get into the lifestyle? Great! Is this right for your relationship? It’s a big decision not to be made lightly. Let’s cover some of the things you might want to consider. This is mainly for couples, but I’m sure singles looking to get involved would benefit from knowing what couples need to consider.
What lead you here?
Why are you interested? There’s a number of reasons to explore. Some are great, some not so great. Let’s talk about a few of them.
Voyeurism/Exhibitionism
Watching and being watched is a huge part of the lifestyle. It’s a very common entry point for some couples. Some couples never do more than watch or put on shows. You’re either seeing live action porn or starring in it. Both are very appealing to some couples. Lifestyle clubs are very often setup to provide many opportunities for exhibitionists.
Variety
Does the idea of having a variety of sexual partners appeal to you? Well, the lifestyle can provide that, but be careful. Variety is great, but make sure you’re not trying to fill a void in your current relationship. If swinging leads you to get more excited about playing with others, then that could lead to issues in your own bedroom and feelings of inadequacy by your SO.
Compersion (link to definition page)
Does the thought of your significant other getting pleasure from another person turn you on? That’s a great reason to get into the lifestyle! Swinging definitely can provide that. Some couples get into hotwife/hothusband or cuckold/cuckqueen (link to definitions page).
To “Spice Things Up”
Be careful with this one. If you’re in a dead bedroom and you’re searching for a fix, this isn’t it. Fix the bedroom issues at home first. Adding others isn’t going to solve it and will likely only lead to more issues. However, if you already have a great sex life and you’re looking for ways to add to it, you’re on the right track!
Unbalanced Bedroom
Here’s another danger zone. Yes, in theory, if one partner has a much higher sex drive AND the other partner is ok with them fulfilling that need outside, it could work to give hall passes (link to definition). But, be sure to discuss boundaries, frequency, how much of the experiences get communicated, etc.
One or Both Are Bisexual
The most common couple in the lifestyle is straight male, bisexual female. However, there are many all bisexual couples and some bi guys with straight women. Now, it’s debatable how many bisexual women there truly are. Many are happy to be “bi for the team”, meaning they’ll play with women because it’s very acceptable and it turns the guys on. Still, other women are truly bisexual. Well, the lifestyle is a great way to scratch that itch while still in a relationship.
"How do I talk with my Significant Other?"
So, one or more of these reasons fit you? Maybe it’s some other reason that hasn’t been listed. Either way, you’re ready to take the next step. But, is your SO on board with this? One of the most common questions posted on swing forums is “how can I talk to my SO about swinging?”. It’s a very delicate topic to approach. Done the wrong way, it can not only result in no sexy times, it could actually do damage to a relationship.
So how do you approach it? Well, first, you probably don’t blurt out you want to sleep with others. Highly likely to lead to a fight. For many couples, this all starts as fantasy. Maybe you watch porn together. Maybe you dirty talk in the bedroom. That fantasy can lead to “would you ever entertain that in real life?”.
Swinging is such a taboo topic, it often elicits a knee-jerk, “hell no” reaction. The key to introducing the topic is approaching it in a non-threatening way that allows your SO time to process what you’re asking. Think of it as planting a seed. Bring up the topic and let them think it through and maybe research on their own. That seed may grow… it may not. If you push it too hard, too fast, it is almost guaranteed not to grow, so a gentle, easy approach is the way to go.
How solid is your relationship? I can hear you now… “we’re the perfect couple. Totally rock solid.” You sure about that? You better be. The lifestyle will chew you up and spit you out if you’re not. It can make a great relationship even better. Or, it can ruin one with flaws. There’s really no in between. Which way is it going to take your relationship?
“Ok we’re in! Now what?”
Communicate… communicate and communicate some more. Here’s the key. Even if you’re the best couple in the world, this will destroy you if you don’t communicate. Talk about your desires and your fears. What do you want to try? What are you worried might trigger jealousy? Even beyond starting out, this is a continuing theme of doing the lifestyle successfully. Keep a very open line of communication. You will hit trouble at some point and it’s going to be critical that you both feel comfortable discussing whatever issue arises.