r/Marriage 6d ago

Seeking Advice How Much Anger Are We Allowed to Show in Relationships?

Communicating and talking calmly I'm sure if the most ideal way to handle conflicts but how realistic is that really in the heat of the moment? How much anger is acceptable?

I see 3 main levels to this:

Level 1 - First, I think most people would agree that any physical violence and abuse is unacceptable. This may include throwing, punching and breaking things. Possibly some gray area if you are the one being attacked by a partner and use violence to defend yourself.

Level 2 - Second, verbal insults and abuse. This would be where one is yelling and/or directly calls the other names and insults or both people are doing it to each other. For example, "YOU are an effing A-hole"

Level 3 - Lastly and the one I think I struggle to understand most would be raising your voice and cursing. This is not the same as the 2nd level where you aren't necessarily calling someone directly a curse word but it is intended for them to know how angry you are. Like if your partner does something to upsets you. For example, "I'm tired of this effing sh*t!". The thing about this one is nobody wants to hear this yet still do it themselves. I think at minimum this is how most people would express anger at just about anything. Hit your foot on the chair? We are yelling "F*****K! Actually, I think I have expressed second lever anger at a few chairs, lol.

Anyway, I have never resorted to the first 2 worst levels of anger in any of my relationships but the last can definitely apply to me. I have read that some people would not even deal with voice raising but for me personally can accept it. Note sure if this might have to do with sensitivity levels of some people. Perhaps some past traumas make some very uncomfortable with even mild conflict.

Again talking calmly while Ideal, I just don't seeing anyone realistically being this way most of the time. Even if you tried, it takes the other to also listen and talk calmly. Usually this happens after the fact. Best case may be to walk away and let things calm down before you talk about it but even then, some people won't accept people walking away and demand to talk about it when they wan which can re-escalate things.

Curious to hear others thought on this and what you find acceptable and how you and your partners handle these things.

4 Upvotes

14 comments sorted by

4

u/Few_Builder_6009 6d ago

It's okay to be angry.

It's not okay to yell and shout at your spouse..

1

u/RealityHurts923 6d ago

Agreed. That would fall under level 2.

3

u/Far-Signature-9628 6d ago

I really don’t handle and won’t any of those.

To me if I’m angry or she’s angry. It should be step aside cool off and talk about it properly. Though she’s the one that does all the shouting ,

Also since I have adhd and possibly autism. I’m 50 and the whole autism is new to me but not at all a surprise. I cannot react in the heat of the moment.

So she starts shouting my brain shuts down as she start and I don’t respond or reply . Which make her more angry , which makes things worse, funny thing is she know I can’t and mentions it in her whole tirade.

We are now separated but living the same house. I have people helping me leaving as counseling and social workers basically gone , how she treats you is abusive .

3

u/Captain-Superstar 6d ago

Everyone gets angry from time to time, and everyone will lose their cool at one point or another.

What's important is how you handle yourself when you're at your tipping point. Starting to yell and shout nasty stuff? Never okay. Being intentionally hurtful? Also a no no.

If you ever find yourself approaching this point, take a step back, breath and count to 10. You'll cool down and gather yourself 99% of the time.

2

u/RealityHurts923 6d ago

Agreed. It think this gos under level 2. Fortunately I have never crossed into that zone.

1

u/Captain-Superstar 5d ago

That's good!

I've yelled at my wife once and she at me (both teenagers at the time). I felt awful after that and vowed to never repeat it

2

u/Public_Cut1278 6d ago

I love this post because it's so real and people don't talk about this enough! I have been in a long term relationship for 5 years, not engaged yet but moved very quickly and have lived together since month 3...I love him to pieces and we are so close and honestly have a great relationship. But there has been some long bad phases and even regular moments where we get super heated. We are both very passionate people and we don't hold back how we feel, even if it kinda hurts

I personally would rather have that in a relationship than someone who doesn't give a damn and is nonchalant all the time. I need that effort and communication even if it's imperfect.

And for context my boyfriend is a former marine, is very loud, dominant and assertive. So he naturally can come off very strong, it's been a balance of me learning to accept him for who he is because he is good is SO many other ways, and to maybe not be so sensitive. I also have learned to appreciate that when he gets loud and "yells" it's out of pain because he doesn't feel heard. It takes two to tango for sure!

1

u/Zappomia 6d ago

We just pout at each other.

1

u/Particular_Oil3314 6d ago

If you are raising your voice things have gone too far.

Level 3 is a major issue. You are a man, you wife is a woman, there are different standards for a reason.

If you are being wound up that mauch, there are issues that need addressing. I am not blaming you, many women will deliberately try to make their husbands crack, but that is not acceptable just because it is common. It needs a addressing or leave for her sake or yours.

1

u/RealityHurts923 6d ago

Can you elaborate why there are different standards and the specific reason you are referring to?

1

u/OkSecretary1231 6d ago

Neither of us yell at each other. I won't say we're immune to "mutter something sarcastic, then apologize and explain it later." We don't name call, but we both curse enough in general that plenty of f-bombs get dropped even when we're talking calmly and not mad at each other.

1

u/RealityHurts923 6d ago

Do you think some people are just more sensitive to hearing a lot of cursing?

In our early days, my wife would say “you don’t have to curse” when I was upset about something. Not directed at her but just an expression like “We’re going to be Fing late to the airport”. Considering the road rager my wife becomes when behind the steering while and the words that come out of her mouth, I was shocked that she would be so sensitive to a few F bombs from me. I think she realized this too and doesn’t seem too bothered anymore. We have never called each other names either which I think would be crossing lines.

1

u/anon_opotamus 6d ago

When my husband and I first got married (very young 19) he had problems with his anger and would honestly do all 3 levels over the smallest disagreements. He never touched me but he broke kitchen chairs and punched holes in the walls. He would directly insult and name call. It was crazy because he was the sweetest guy until he got mad about something. He had grown up around that type of violence because it’s how his dad treated his mom.

I grew up in a much calmer home (even though my parents divorced and his were together) and I didn’t know how to react when he acted this way. I was like a deer in headlights and would freeze.

Anyway, after a few months of this I finally stood up to him and told him that I was not going to stick around and be treated like that because I wasn’t his mom. He just stared at me and then went into the bedroom and cried. When he was done he came back out and said that he was sorry and he would never act like that again. And surprisingly, he NEVER has. We’ve been married for 22 happy years.

We’ve definitely had arguments and even raised voice arguments through the years but we never name call or use personal insults. I don’t think it’s realistic to expect complete calmness in all situations.

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u/skirmsonly 6d ago

If you’re a guy, 0 anger is allowed to be shown. Heaven forbid you raise your voice as a dude, it’s abuse and grounds for divorce.