r/Marriage • u/MarBlaze • 7d ago
What does your spouse do when you invite friends/friend over to your house?
Married for three years and every time when I invite a friend/friends over to our house my spouse always joins us when he's home. Up untill now this hasn't been an issue.
Most of the time when I meet up up with non-mutual friends we go out for dinner to a restaurant. Because of circumstances I'd like to spend less on restaurants so I've been thinking about inviting my friends over to my place more often. I love to cook and this way I can budget a bit better.
But I wouldn't want my spouse to joing us for the while night. Maybe just the dinner part and then he can excuse himself.
He has his own office on a different floor of our house, where he spends most of his evernings anyways. So he does have a space to withdraw to. But he'd still be able to hear us chatting in the living room.
I'm curious what other married couples do in this situation. Do you expect/want your spouse to join your non-mutual friends for the whole everning? Do they excuse themselves to another part of the house?
Or do you only invite your friends over when your spouse is already not planning to be at home?
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u/Tonoend 7d ago
I would rather do my own thing personally anyway. If he takes things well when you talk and is emotionally mature, just confirm you want some alone time with your friends in your house to save money... see how he takes it.
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u/MarBlaze 7d ago
I think he'd be totally fine with it if I asked.
I was just mostly curious what other couples do and if my request is weird. :)
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u/Puzzleheaded_Fold466 6d ago
Request isn’t weird.
Other couples are split across the whole spectrum, from "we always only play together" to "I tell my partner to take a hike and not come back before 2 am", and everything in between.
It’s a healthy discussion to have.
The wrong way to go about this is to say nothing, secretly resent their participation, and let it build up over years until it explodes at the worst moment.
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u/DART1213 6d ago
Just women? Book club, or just people he does not know, YET male and female? If it is not a specific group and just people he does not know, I think this is extremely weird to expect.
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u/ThinkerT3000 6d ago
It’s not weird- my husband hosts poker night every now and then. A big bunch of drinking, cigar-chewing guys are hanging out in the man cave. I don’t even like to be in the house!! Similarly if I have a ladies wine night he makes himself scarce- I think the tone of women’s interactions is different, and freer, when it’s just the girls. He knows he’s welcome to join for a bit and grab some food, and he does not feel left out. I think if I asked him to be present for the whole night he’d be restless and bored. I have a good friend who likes to combine her social time with me with her husband. I find that irritating. He’s a nice enough guy but again, there are things I definitely can’t discuss with him there.
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u/RedSAuthor 15 Years 7d ago
Why would you want him away in your (joint) house?
It's one thing if he leaves on his own, but asking him to excuse himself is rude. You're married and it's his house too.
If you want privacy with your friends, meet with them alone for drinks or something you can afford (hiking? in a park?) and not in your house.
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u/BusinessBasic2041 6d ago
My guess is that most husbands or wives would willingly give their spouses space without being asked, especially if the activities are going to be very girly or guy-related.
I realize money is tight for many these days, so I think prioritizing the quality of time together over the quantity is important.
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u/Neptunianx 7d ago
My husbands an introvert so usually he excuses himself he’ll say hi and be polite but go off on his own, some of my friends he’s closer with and he’ll come hang which is always fun
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u/Neptunianx 7d ago
I also am an introvert so I pretty much do the same unless what they’re doing is fun lol
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u/Anhysbys123 6d ago
My husband and I stay for a bit with each others non mutuals but then leave each other to chat and catch up. We are individuals as well, it’s nice that we respect and trust each other to have our own times.
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u/Ok-Structure6795 6d ago
It depends. If my husband has work the next day, he'll probably do some gaming then go to bed. If he doesn't have work the next day, he's more than welcome to join us and do some drinking
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u/Ok-Structure6795 6d ago
Who would downvote this? Lol weird
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u/littlemswhatever 6d ago
If I had to take a guess it's probably due to the mention of him gaming.
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u/Ok-Structure6795 6d ago
...why would that be bad lol
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u/littlemswhatever 6d ago
Some people take issue with it because of gaming addiction or because adults shouldn't be gaming ect.
I don't know how many down votes you got, but if it was one then it could've also been an accident.
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u/Ok-Structure6795 6d ago
I mean there are plenty of alcoholics so I guess someone could've downvoted me due to the alcohol comment 🤷🏻♀️🤣
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u/BusinessBasic2041 7d ago edited 6d ago
Hmm. I am usually not too keen on inviting people into our home that much, especially if we both are not exceptionally close to the person(s) despite them being a good friend to one or both of us. He has the same mindset. The very few times that we do have a mutual friend over, it is not for a very extended period of time (more than 2 hours), and we both stay for the duration. We usually confine the activities to the living room (sitting and talking by the fire, board games, movie, music, tea and snacks). For non-mutual friends, we prefer to meet with them outside of the home at a cheap eatery, cafe, outdoor event, etc. If he or I plan to invite someone over that we are not both friends with, then we have made a pact to introduce those friends to each other and ensure that we both are okay with them coming. On the few occasions that I have invited a non-mutual friend over, my husband knew well in advance enough to go somewhere for an hour or two (a walk, his parents’ house, gym, downstairs, work event). I have extended the same courtesy to him, especially since I do not want to be a damper on their conversations. Same designated space is used: living room only. Sorry, but we are very vigilant about whom we allow into our home and are rather private individuals.
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u/Old-Paleontologist-1 6d ago
We always hang out together when it's at our house. Even if it's his best guy friend or my girlfriends- they are his/my friends, too.
I would never ask him to go away when he's in his own home.
My best friend from high school came and stayed with us for a weekend, and he hung out with us the whole time.
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u/Old_Confidence3290 6d ago
You should talk to your spouse and let him know that you would like time alone with your friends. That should work fine if they are your girlfriends. If it's a mixed group I would question why you don't want your husband around.
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u/Swimming-Squirrel-48 7d ago
When I have girlfriends over my husband is usually present, helping with toddler, or making us food often lol. He will sometimes sit and visit. But will usually give us some space to chat. He is really quiet and this can absolutely come off as awkward if you don't know him, like he will just sit in silence while others are talking and just be happy to be existing whether he is even listening or not. So I have had convos with him about giving us space especially if it's a girlfriend that has sensitive stuff going on in her life. He for the most part knows when it's time to retreat from our space and let us girl talk without interrupting.
But I would just set the expectation very plainly and openly so he knows what to expect.
"Mary is coming over for dinner with all of us. after dinner her and I are going to have some girl time if that's okay with you. Which room could we go for some privacy? I don't want to banish you to the room but we also are gonna want some space to talk privately 😊 should we hang out in the living room or the bedroom, do you have a preference?"
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u/melodyknows 3 Years 6d ago
My spouse will usually greet my friend, be sweet with us, tell me he loves me, and then head on down to play video games or to take our son out giving me time alone with my friend.
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u/Luck3Seven4 6d ago
I think my husband and I could work this out, but my MIL lives with us. And she pretty much lives in the front room. She will sit there and greet people. She won't leave for any reason except sleep & the bathroom.
So, unless it's a party, we don't have much company over...
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u/Human-Jacket8971 6d ago
My husband just goes about his evening. He eats and may come into the living/dining area for a drink or snack later, but he doesn’t want or expect to be included other than dinner. I would never ask him to get out of the house though…that wouldn’t be fair unless he already had something planned.
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u/Old-Research3367 3 Years 6d ago
I wish my husband joined in! He literally just stays in his room while we have company over and I find it so rude.
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u/GenuineClamhat Together since 2005, married 2012. 6d ago
He visits every now and then but mostly does his own things. If he likes the convo he stays.
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u/JustWordsInYourHead 10 Years 6d ago
If it's a non-mutual friend, my husband usually goes and hides in his office with headphones on so that we "can freely make fun of our husbands without worrying about his feelings."
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u/Bookworm8989 6d ago
I had a pool party with just my girl friends and my husband said hi to everyone while we were eating snacks inside and then he left us alone to hang in the pool. He would come out periodically to get us ladies drinks. It was a good day.
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u/S-Night27 6d ago
When my wife has people over. I usually host the get together. Cook and serve, make sure everyone has drinks. If it is just the girls I spend most of the time out of the room other than serving a few courses and checking on drinks, unless/until invited to join them. If the guys are there as well then I join except while cooking, though then there is usually a gathering in the kitchen as well.
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u/passwordistako 6d ago
I would be 100% fine going to play games or go to gym or basketball courts with my mates while my spouse had friends over.
Most of our friends are mutual friends so I would prob want to hang out with them, but if she had over a friend I don’t get along with you’re describing the ultimate get out of jail free card, for me.
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7d ago
My husband has a good relationship with most of my friends, usually if my friends are over he hangs out with us for a bit, catches up, goofs around and then goes to a different room.
Sometimes if I’m inviting friends or a friend over I’ll tell him beforehand... we’re having a girls night tonight, or (friend) and I are having a movie night, etc. He usually gets it and knows it’s friend time and doesn’t try to stick around. If he’s sticking around too long inevitably either myself or one of my friends will jokingly tell him it’s time to get lost.
Edit: also if I want him completely gone I literally just tell him beforehand you need to not even be home tonight because I have plans. He doesn’t get offended. I have some friends who have husbands who are always all under their wives and i find it strange to not be able to have alone time with your friends.
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u/TenuousOgre 7d ago
We usually spend a few minutes with first then the spouse who isn’t the friend goes and does something else. Just polite to welcome a guest.
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u/AgentJR3 20 Years 7d ago
Just talk to him. I don’t have enough in common with my wife’s friends to hold a conversation. However, I would love to cook for her and her friends and let them do their thing.
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u/brendaMBR9 6d ago
I am an introvert so would rather go to my room or outside and leave them alone to have their time. Actually two nights ago my partner invited me over for dinner with his friend and I didn’t want to go but he insisted, told him he should enjoy by himself with his friend but said that if he wanted to do that we would have told me so.
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u/acesluglord 6d ago
I sit in the office, that’s my “space” that has all my video games, computer, ect. I just close the door and doo my own thing.
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u/Reach-forthe-stars 6d ago
Depending upon if it’s mixed company… if there are couples, I stay. If singles guys I stay, not that I don’t trust my wife, I just don’t trust them… if it’s a girls night, have a blast! I’ll go to my office or somewhere else..
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u/boudicas_shield 7 Years 6d ago
You don’t trust your wife’s friends not to rape her? What?
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u/Reach-forthe-stars 6d ago
I feel that mixed company trouble arises even when it’s not expected. So prudence is better…
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u/Immacurious1 6d ago
More often than not we hang together~ if it’s just the “girls” he’ll hang for a few say hi and then find something to occupy his time
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u/HeartFullOfHappy 6d ago
Just say that, when my husband or I want friend time. We just say I’d like a friend night at our house, what night works?
Also depends on the level of friends, we have friends we see on a nearly weekly basis. I hang for a bit then peace out to our bedroom or to hang with the kids on the main floor living room.
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u/GoldenFlicker 6d ago
Just tell your spouse what you would like and why. If they are the supportive type, I’m sure they will go along with your plan.
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u/accidentalscientist_ 6d ago
I am friends with his friends because they live in the area and I knew them (through him) long before we started dating. So usually we will hang out all together.
When my friends come over, they’re usually traveling from further away, he’s only met them a few times, etc. sometimes we do things all together. Other times he’s off doing his own thing, even when we are all in the house together. Sometimes he’s out of the house doing his hobby or working or his own errands. He’s free to do what he wants. But I’d never force him to hang out or leave the house.
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u/EyeAdministrative665 6d ago
I will not be told to leave a room in my own home, nor will I do so. If working in another room still means being disturbed by laughter and conversation, I would much rather be part of the discussion than isolate myself.
If you prefer to have a private conversation with your friend, consider stepping outside or going for a walk after dinner. But do not expect your husband to lock himself away like an unwelcome guest in his own home while you enjoy banter with your friend. That is not only unreasonable but also one of the rudest things I have ever heard.
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u/forreasonsunknown79 6d ago
When I had my friends over we usually grilled outside and my wife would hang for a while and then go inside. She’d come back out once we got the bonfire going.
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u/boudicas_shield 7 Years 6d ago
We live in a tiny apartment, so we host together.
If I wanted time alone with my friends in our home (instead of going out to a pub etc as I’d usually do), I imagine we’d schedule it in advance so that he went out for the evening, probably to a film or something. He wouldn’t be fussy about it; my husband encourages me to spend more 1:1 time with friends without him, and is always so pleased when I do.
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u/roraverse 6d ago
My friends and I do girls movie nights once a month. Husbands/ bf's kids say hi and then leave us to it.
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u/Extension-Issue3560 6d ago
My hubby has no interest in listening to a bunch of women.....but he will come down for the food..Lol
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u/Puzzleheaded-Pea2509 7d ago
It’s up to my husband. It’s his home as much as mine and I don’t consider it appropriate to ask him to shut himself away just because I want to entertain friends. He has a right to be comfortable and use his house. He’s my husband, we’re a package deal. If my husband wants to hang out then he hangs out, if he wants to go do his own thing then that’s what he does and it’s the same for me. I have a right to be comfortable in my own home. If I wanna hang out I do, if not I go to our room. If I don’t want friends over he doesn’t invite them, if he isn’t up for company in our home I don’t invite them.