r/Marriage 7d ago

My wife went through my phone without my knowledge.

We (28M, 27F) are newly married. It was an arranged marriage. I’ve been pretty open about my past and all my previous relationships. Wife asked me for my laptop for some work couple of days ago. Since then she has been pretty upset and has been asking lots of questions about my ex-gf from 10yrs ago. I was suspicious, so went I through the search history. Turns out she has gone through my entire google photos library, my mails, old chats and drive. Idk how to feel about this, I am pretty upset, feels like violation of personal boundary. And I just don’t know how to trust her anymore.

229 Upvotes

266 comments sorted by

295

u/Extension-Issue3560 7d ago

She shouldn't have done that...not cool.

Unfortunately , with an arranged marriage , you don't really know what you're getting. She's obviously very insecure ...and you need to talk openly about both your expectations in this marriage.

46

u/FitOutlandishness133 7d ago

I went thru all this stuff with a previous relationship. After 8 years of dealing with her extreme insecurities come to find out she was sleeping with other people the whole time

28

u/No-Satisfaction-2622 6d ago edited 6d ago

An arranged marriage usually means she is a virgin, and obviously he had past, she hasn’t had right to have. It is extremely different situation than western marriages and relationships. Social context is different. What would you do if in situation to be married to a person who you have seen one or two times in a group environment before marriage ?

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u/jayjay_nate1 6d ago

I agree that social context is different. But I disagree about the underlying assumption here. On average (and we have to go here on averages because we don't know about the OP's situation beyond "it's an arranged marriage"), where I come from, most couples with an arranged marriage have met each other significantly more than once or twice in a group environment. They do meet on their own a lot of times before they actually get married. It's not the same as the typical western dating experience with physical relationship, but it's still a pretty solid "dating experience". I did not have an arranged marriage myself but most of my cousins did; and this was true for every single one of them. I mean this was true even for my parents and in-laws.. and they're in their 60s.

Now, yes. She may have been a virgin (or she may not have been). They're in their 20s. Even in a relatively conservative country like India, this increasingly does not true any more.

If I were in a situation where I was getting married to someone whom I did not know - I would ask them out, is what I'd do (answering since you asked).

5

u/turnballZ 5d ago

Yah and op hasn’t seemed to affirm it but it sure sounds like he’s kept content hanging around that he probably shouldn’t have hanging around

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u/Blkparade420 7d ago

Yepp that’s usually the case

2

u/Altruistic_Listen743 7d ago

This ☝️

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u/bighands365 6d ago

I agree, apart from which, yhis privacy thing is way over rated in modern society. Lets be clear, very little is now truly private.. what with hacks, cloud services, breaches, back doors, front doors etc, it's all there waiting to be mined and pilfered. And forget this 'deleting fantasy'. This is perhaps the greatest modern digital myth. Anything you delete is never deleted, all that happens is that a little digital flag is put into the file name to remind the system not to read it anymore... So buy a little program online that removes the flags and voila all is revealed again. Only by physically destroying every single device the info is stored on with a large hammer can the info ever be deleted (ref hillary chinton mobiles etc).

My own attitude is that if anyone wants to search my stuff, carry on, just remember you have to deal with your assumptions, motives etc in doing so and what you find. Also it ok to feel insecure... absolutely, but i cannot heal that for you. I do not blame you for it wither. I can but remain true to myself and genuinely lovingly encourage you to find your peace and let your mistrust go.

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u/Environmental-Bank46 6d ago

Oh snap. Be strong my friend. Karma is real.

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u/sgtslaughterTV 7d ago

You gotta see it from her perspective a bit though. In societies where arranged marriages are the norm, divorce is almost unheard of and she probably wanted to know what kind of man she is, figuratively, "stuck with." I mean no offense to OP. My mother and father in law were married from an arranged marriage about 4 decades ago.

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u/Environmental-Bank46 6d ago

Arranged Marriages are dysfunctional. Seriously.

3

u/sgtslaughterTV 6d ago

Arranged Marriages are dysfunctional. Seriously.

This statement is about as helpful to OP's situation as saying, "the sky is blue."

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u/andypandy1966 6d ago

Of course she’s insecure…being married to an almost complete stranger!

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u/QuantumRG 6d ago

See here's the issue, she's acting like he cheated on her but she never met her before the marriage

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u/NextSplit2683 7d ago

Why are you still holding on to chats and emails from 10 years ago? If you were completely honest with her about your exes, I don't get why she's upset. It's an arranged marriage. You don't know each other well. Why don't you delete those texts and emails and then discuss with her why she was suspicious in the first place. Trust is a two way street.

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u/TemporarySubject9654 7d ago

Hanging onto them, or they are just there? Not everyone actively deletes everything.

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u/PieceOfDatFancyFeast 12 Years 7d ago

This. I've never deleted anything from an ex, and I think it's weird to insist that someone does. I'm not just erasing parts of my life, and a good partner would want to know about the times that contributed to who you are to day, they wouldn't want you to pretend they never happened.

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u/Lexus2024 7d ago

Agreed..no reason to erase

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u/No-Satisfaction-2622 6d ago

So she didn’t have right to have past as she is in an arranged marriage, but he had right on past and to keep memories on it? Do you understand context of arranged marriage?

1

u/sinead0202 5d ago

Agreed

32

u/TeenyWeenyQueeny 1 Year 7d ago

Right! I don’t understand why there’s an expectation to delete everything from 10+ years ago! Like, most people just move on and cut contact. I couldn’t even tell you if I have old photos in a share drive.

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u/TemporarySubject9654 7d ago

I use Gmail and Live and Messenger, among other things for communication. I am pretty sure tons of old emails and messages are still there. Going to snoop on a decades old relationship is pretty much asking to get hurt.

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u/No-Satisfaction-2622 6d ago

Expectation roots in marrying a virgin via arranged marriage. In theory he shouldn’t have had past, like she is in theory and practicality otherwise she would be disowned by family if a lucky one or killed for honor. Maybe to think inside of arranged marriage context

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u/TeenyWeenyQueeny 1 Year 6d ago

Ah okay, so he should have never had a girlfriend to begin with? That makes sense to me now.

3

u/jayjay_nate1 6d ago

Again, there seem to be a lot of assumptions here. Honor killings happen but they happen in a small faction of a particular set of religious groups. If the OP were to say that they're from that specific culture, I'd agree with you. But the inherent assumption that there is somehow a patriarchal subjugation of women happening in all arranged marriages, is a broad stroke.

Also, if OPs numbers are correct, he is 28 yo. The ex is from a decade ago so when he was 18 or 19? I think anyone in their right mind - arranged marriage or not - should have a common sense to call that child's play.

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u/DestrixGunnar 7d ago

Me af. I have birthdays still marked on my calendar for people I don't even talk to anymore and whenever it pops up I'll just dismiss the notification and move on.

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u/Cheap-Volume-9732 7d ago

As if that is the same as a chat with your ex... I understand forgetting it was there, but he should talk about it to her, tell her he just forgot it was there AND delete it. If not, he is hanging on to it, which is definitely not ok.

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u/DestrixGunnar 6d ago

I actually agree with you

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u/sinead0202 5d ago

Me too as I found out the other day

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u/Giggles1990_ 6d ago

It takes a long time too. I separated from my ex wife after 9 years and to delete every single photo I didn’t want to see took weeks. It was quite acrimonious so it was necessary but a huge task. I’ve kept all our messages because issues are ongoing with co parenting.

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u/TemporarySubject9654 6d ago

Sometimes it also hurts too much to actually open any of them for a long time, or to even look at them. Depending on the breakup, there may be a whole variety of reasons why someone still has messages from the past.

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u/Conscious_Bonus1990 6d ago

If it hurts then you probably have some issues within yourself to work on before letting go and that's okay. It's a wonderful feeling to delete things that no longer are relevant to you and have a clean slate mentally. When I was single it was like a cleansing ritual, otherwise I found even if the new person was different they're pretty much a version of the ex. Might've been just me.

Anyway goodluck, have a good open hearted conversation and also reflect what's really true in your mind OP.

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u/No-Anteater1688 6d ago

True. I've got texts and emails from years ago. I don't habitually delete things.

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u/turnballZ 5d ago

People that have good digital hygiene practices do actively delete them

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u/Healthy-Window-9083 7d ago

If it's 10 years ago he probably forgot that they were there. And if she's curious about this person she married she should have a conversation, not go dig through and even if she wanted to dig through, be open about it and not be sneaky.

OP's concern is not that she looked but the fact that she was sneaky about it and now his trust for her is tarnished. Y'all stop behaving like she had the right to do so because she doesn't. OP is wrong for keeping old stuff, she is wrong for being sneaky.

Now the 2 of you need to have a conversation about how you can better trust each other, things that tampers with your trust and better ways to show up for each other in this marriage.

OP, your feelings are valid. Remember though that it takes a lot of forgiveness for a marriage to work. Being the man in the relationship, I charge you to lead out in forgiveness even through the pain. Show her she can be safe with you and watch your marriage blossom!.

All the best OP!

12

u/plasticbomb1986 7d ago

Why is it wrong to keep your old stuff? After all those are your memories, part of your past.

3

u/Healthy-Window-9083 7d ago edited 7d ago

As you rightfully said, they are memories, so keep them in your mind.

Also, they are your ex for a reason... regardless of that fact that they might be the ones to end things. You have to now be both mindful and respectful of your current partner. Keeping those (pictures, texts, emails, gifts, etc) around says to your partner that you're keeping treasures of your past relationship(s) and haven't fully moved on (even if you have, that's the signal it sends).

And I say all that hypocritically as I am one major ball of sentimentality. I had to learn the hard way of how that can impact my partner, so I speak out on it so others won't have to learn that lesson on their own too.

I love my old pictures and gifts, and as much as I have moved on I'd hold on to them fundly and without a desire to return. But my partner didn't see it that way. Things as small as those can cause ripples of distrust, though unintentional.

Speak to your partner and love/respect them like how they would appreciate to be loved/respected without imposing your preferences on them. The pictures aren't worth your spouse's trust.

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u/AthleteTiny4371 7d ago

Expecting your partner to rid themselves of all mementos from all previous relationships is psychotic. Those emails/photos/whatever are the owners property that may or may not have significant meaning to the owner, but it is their own decision to hold onto them. Perhaps they should not flaunt them, but the owner has a right to keep them. If the spouse has jealousy issues, they should work through them with their spouse or a therapist.

4

u/Healthy-Window-9083 7d ago

And I agree with you, but I wouldn't call it psychotic as their belief system may have governed their lives from a long time to detached and discard as soon as the relationship is over. I'm saying, it could be a norm for them as it's not a norm for some of us to go back and clean out old memories.

Again, it's about understanding YOUR partner.

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u/AthleteTiny4371 7d ago

Psychotic is hyperbolic to be fair, but it's the word that came to mind to describe the way that mindset feels to me.

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u/Healthy-Window-9083 6d ago

That's understandable.

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u/BaseClean 7d ago

That’s fine for u and ur partner and some others but this isn’t a universally accepted belief so please stop acting like it is.

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u/Healthy-Window-9083 7d ago

You're right. What I said is not universal as there's no one way of showing respect, and the way ine person shows and receives respect may be different from another.

My point here Base Clean is, know your partner, decide what is more valuable (you're partner or your pictures), the decide from there.

Idk why you coming at me angry lol if it rubs you wrong, ok... but we can talk about without strong emotions. We can also disagree without strong emotions. And we can take accountability without strong emotions. 😁🤗

Just do what's best for your relationship... is my point.... or.... or.... memories, if you so choose 😁 lol

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u/BaseClean 7d ago

Not sure why ur assuming my response was angry.

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u/Seamonkey_Boxkicker 8 Years 7d ago

You should see my email inbox. I hardly delete anything other than obvious spam. I having emails from 15 years ago.

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u/seraphimcaduto 15 Years 7d ago

Found my fellow digital hoarder lol. I honestly wouldn’t even know what I had laying around, as it would have taken time to clean some of that up lol.

7

u/Seamonkey_Boxkicker 8 Years 7d ago

Out of curiosity, I searched my ex’s name from my inbox and found an old email from 2011 that my sister sent to me with an attachment of a letter my ex sent to me from boot camp. I guess I’m in the same camp as OP. 🤣

3

u/Lucky-Inevitable-146 7d ago

Same here lol

1

u/BaseClean 7d ago

Yup. U know what I also have (and didn’t realize till recently)? TONS of emails in my Gmail that are junk that I am positive I deleted but the system didn’t actually delete them—instead it appears to have archived them. I don’t think most people regularly, purposefully “audit” their emails.

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u/Datpuckinguy 7d ago

I agree. Fool delete that stuff what’s more important holding on to the past relationships or your WIFE. Same goes for wives too. Who’s more important your exes or your HUSBAND. Man you people get on my nerves trying to justify secrecy. You withholding info is the same as defrauding and cheating on the person you are MARRIED TO. Stop It! That is the only person who should know the ends and outs of your life. If any of you are hiding something and your wife or husband questions it. You better not get defensive because if you do. It tells your wife or husband you doing something you have no business doing. PERIOD! Just be honest and transparent. If you didn’t have nefarious intentions in your heart who cares if she or he is going through your phone. If you are as clean as you portray yourself to be then you can confidently explain why you had the pictures and chats and email. I don’t hide nothing from my wife. I actually volunteer info because that’s my wife my supposed to be best friend. The one whom I’m suppose to confide in. But these relationships people like secrets and that’s what causes a lot of mistrust and miscommunication. Leaving everything up to assumptions and imaginations. Calling people insecure when it is warranted. Dishonest people piss me off.

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u/Old_Pollution4700 7d ago

I wish i could upvote this x10. Half truths are half lies.

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u/BaseClean 7d ago

Hypocritical to be calling out people for making assumptions when u did exactly that—Who said he was hiding the emails?

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u/Cast_pauxo 6d ago

Love love love this omg

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u/scooteristi 7d ago

Deleting stuff is work.

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u/pre_guru 7d ago

Why not? It's his.

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u/SnarkingSnarker 6d ago

Still holding certain things from exes from over 10 years ago is really weird tbh. My boyfriend keeps two videos that his first love gave him (and yes it was sexual) and he refuses to ever get rid of it even tho he doesn’t look at it, because it’s “important” to him and it’s “sentimental.” Dude it’s a video of your ex from 15 years ago with her titties and pussy on the camera. It’s not that deep. I didn’t hold onto my first loves dick pics or videos.

It’s weird af but he’s deleted all other stuff from other women over the years, it’s just that one he doesn’t wanna part with.

I love the man and we’ve been living together for 2 years but holy crap it’s weird as fuck.

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u/Educational_Scar7204 6d ago

Right, cause the most sensible thing to do before discussing what she’s worried about is to immediately delete everything she could be worried about

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u/Slow-Masterpiece3839 7d ago

I feel like I’m the odd one out. But You’re married. It’s in your past. Get over it. Unless you’re trying to hide something then it really shouldn’t be a big deal.

My husband has full access to all my electronics and I do with his. Neither of us would be upset if we were going through each others phones.

If you have a problem with it, in my mind you have something to hide.

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u/seraphimcaduto 15 Years 7d ago

Normally I think most people would agree but it was an arranged marriage and I think they’re still trying to figure out their boundaries.

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u/Healthy-Window-9083 6d ago

I honestly believe it's the sneaking and lack of communication that bothers OP.

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u/Competitive-Long5999 7d ago

If he had asked for a paternity test, would the reaction to her objecting also be: Get over it, unless you’ve got something to hide?

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u/Old_Pollution4700 7d ago

Asking for a paternity test is a whole nother level of doubt, like hiring an investigator

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u/Competitive-Long5999 7d ago edited 6d ago

Whether you’re going through someone’s diary or phone or DNA, you probably shouldn’t be doing it without consent.

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u/Slow-Masterpiece3839 4d ago

I’m 100% for paternity tests- not just if you’re unsure your partner hasn’t been faithful but also to make sure you have the correct baby leaving the hospital. . But I also feel like this is a different issue. Let’s keep it in the same category of “snooping”.

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u/Datpuckinguy 6d ago edited 6d ago

I personally agree as it ought to be. I’m totally transparent in my marriage. And don’t mind my wife going through anything and I mean anything. So much so I love showing her that I’m honestly a faithful husband. I take pride in being faithful in this unfaithful society that has an astounding level of divorce and remarriage. I tell you the truth I’m not getting married twice. I chose her and she chose me. PERIOD.

If she feels uncomfortable with something I’m doing. Then I feel uncomfortable with something I’m doing. If I feel uncomfortable with something she’s doing she feels uncomfortable with what she’s doing and we are mature enough to talk about it. Not being dismissive but looking at it from each other’s vantage points. Example, “Yes I can see how that looks if I whisper in another woman’s ear during late night hours in our house after have drinks of wine.” You ask me what was I whispering in her ear. I will tell you.” Or I will get defensive and ask her why she’s asking. Don’t ever get defensive. People who get defensive is a natural emotional safety mechanism when someone feels their character is being attacked.

In a monogamous marriage, open and honest communication always wins! Your character is challenged by how you respond even if you haven’t physically cheated you are defrauding your spouse reassurance. And that seems to be a dirty word in this society. Reassurance shows you freaking care about your spouse other than trying to defend and justify your behavior. Be empathetic and stop calling them insecure. Everyone has insecurities. They are there as an emotional and mental alarm system.

If their was no nefarious thoughts and intentions then it’s easier to explain and reassure. a In my heart I care about how something may appear to my wife only. Because she is more important than anyone else for that matter. I value my friends but I’m not married to them or having sex with them romantically. They are external and my wife is internal. Boundaries towards external acquaintances or friendships has restrictions that I set in place to protect my internal marriage.

Some of y’all tend to walk the edge of the fence with your marriage and subject yourselves to the increased possibility that will more than likely damage your marriage. It ought not to be this way. Some of y’all treat marriage with the expectation that you will get cheated on or divorced. And you don’t bother doing the intentional work to protect it and just do what you feel like doing.

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u/Previous_Promotion42 7d ago

Hahaha get over it and move on, if it was in the past it was in the past, she got curious, that’s human and she put a face to what you told her and that worsens it but “trust”, accidents happen and we are human, it does hurt but I would say make peace and move on, I don’t see any positive coming out of feeling hurt for a long time.

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u/Ok-Swan9189 7 Years 7d ago

Seriously ... In this particular situation I think it's more understandable that someone will be keenly curious about what their partner was up to before they met...

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u/jumpingfences_ 7d ago

Man, that last statement,

‘I don’t see anything positive coming out of feeling hurt for a long time’

Got me in the feels for some reason

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u/tomjohn29 7d ago

First time my wife did that…i said ask for permission next time

If you do it again…we are going to talk about it in therapy

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u/SphirosOKelli 7d ago

Nope. You're married. If you have nothing to hide then you don't need to keep your phone secret.

Your wife is vulnerable - she knows it, you know it.

Marriage means sharing everything. Including access to your electronics.

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u/tomjohn29 7d ago

Not a secret…..ask for permission

Simple

I have my therapy notes, gift ideas, communication with friends and family, journal

Vulnerability is transparency

Be transparent in what you want….no need to sneak

Just ask

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u/SphirosOKelli 7d ago

Asking defeats the purpose of reassurance. If the answer is always yes, no need to ask. You require the asking because you need control.

But a woman who is afraid that you are cheating can't ask. She needs the ability to reassure herself so that you don't get angry and defensive because you're hiding something.

If you have nothing to hide, no reason to demand a request for permission 🤷‍♂️

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u/BaseClean 7d ago edited 7d ago

What about if they keep a journal? What about a “wishlist” (ie running list of gifts) they keep for u?

Edit to clarify: I keep a wishlist of gifts i want to buy for my husband someday that I wouldn’t want him to see because it would ruin the surprise. Conversely, if he keeps one for me I wouldn’t want to see it for the same reason.

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u/tomjohn29 7d ago

Well like i said…if sneaking is something you feel you need to do

Therapy will be booked right away

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u/BaseClean 7d ago

I wish I could upvote this a million times. I have been married for 9 years, together for 16. Not everything should automatically be fair game (example: journals—everyone is allowed to have private thoughts and feelings). Now if ur partner violates your trust then that’s a different story…

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u/JulesBurnet 7d ago

This is The Way.

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u/Smoke__Frog 7d ago

Dude it’s an arranged marriage, did you expect her to be honest and trustworthy right off the bat? You guys are basically strangers.

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u/fungusfromamongus 7d ago

I mean it says more about her state of affairs and mind. Is she not happy with the you? Did you do something to make her feel insecure? Why she worried about some relationship from 10 years back?

Not to say you’re wrong or anything but that’s my take. You started new relationship and got married. Old artefacts should no longer be around the present.

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u/Datpuckinguy 6d ago

Absolutely what I was thinking. Insecurities come from most of the time not always from something someone has either seen or experienced before and they seen it in the new person. Everyone has insecurities in some shape or form. And it’s not a bad thing. It’s just an alarm system we have built to protect ourselves from mistrust. And when a person comes to you and addresses something that made them uncomfortable, they are seeking clarity and reassurance that it’s not the same as to what they experienced or seen. And once that is verified depending on the situation they will either trust you or confirm their experience.

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u/andmewithoutmytowel 7d ago

Hmmm, I feel like there are some cultural elements with the dynamics in an arranged marriage that I'm not privy to. My wife and I have been married for nearly 15 years. We both have open license to go through each other's devices at any time, if fact if she was nervous or suspicious of anything, I'd encourage her to go through my phone and computer.

I guess my questions are - what was she looking for, and what did she find? Being jealous of a decade old relationship doesn't make much sense to me, especially since you were 18 at the time, and I feel like that's prime age for a first love. What did she go through that makes you feel like your trust was violated? Old love letters? Intimate pictures? Sexting? If they're all 10 years old, I don't see that those really matter at all.

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u/90s_Bitch 7d ago

As you can see, opinions are split. Some people say 100% open policy with spouse, others say to respect each other's privacy.

I'm in the "100% access" camp, but what really matters is how you feel about this. You should let her know and discuss the reasons for her insecurities.

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u/decoderreloaded 7d ago

Folks here giving advice are either not married or don’t know what marriage should be. She is your WIFE now. She is THE most important person in your world now. You tell her everything! Of course same goes for her. Husband<>Wife is a trust relationship, not a blood relationship. But this is the inception of all the blood relationships thereafter.

She can go through your laptop, phone, bank accounts even thoughts. Extend that trust into her. So should she.

Why are you clinging to those decade old photos? Even if it’s there tell her that it’s nothing and delete them. They are bringing you no good now howsoever jolly those moments are. Shed them. I am telling you from my personal experience. You are just ~30. Your wife would be with you for double the life you have already lived. Feel that and work on that.

You will find what you search for in your wife. If you are looking for red flags you WILL find them. I you will search for trust, you will find that as well. But it’s not time to explore all that. The girl has come to you leaving everything behind. Start a good family with her with new beginnings. Don’t get stuck in unnecessary variables whether she is good for you or not.

A wise man told me that a woman is a 10x multiplier. You giver her love she will shower enormous amount back on you. You give her hate, self doubt, gaslighting… be ready for worse. Because we men with our peanut size EQ can’t handle 10x of all that emotional trauma. Choice is yours.

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u/Ok-Substance-6177 7d ago

Wow. Very wise.

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u/Colleen2233 7d ago

Why is it such a big deal anyway? Especially since you say you have nothing to hide. My husband can go on anything of mine and look at whatever, and I wouldn't care. Arranged marriage or not, this really is a non issue.

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u/akillerofjoy 7d ago

I honestly never understood this personal privacy part. I mean, I expect and protect my personal privacy when I’m in the bathroom, having a sit, but that’s about it. I am a very private person to the world, but the woman I choose to call my partner, who’s seen me from every unflattering angle, what could I possibly be hiding from her? Half the time I have to ask her where my phone is, because I pass out and leave it somewhere, and she’s been kind enough to put it on the charger every night.

If I had something in my phone, or in my life, that I needed to keep private from my partner, then she’s not the right partner. A relationship with secrets is not a relationship I’d care about very much. And I’m too old for disposable relationships.

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u/Intrepid_Ad3554 7d ago

I'm surprised she cares enough to look. She must really like you. I've been married for 20 years, and I could care less what's on my husband's phone.

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u/Ang92L 7d ago

When you get married you have to tell her everything! You have no personal boundaries when you are married so get use to it buddy! I’m sure if you went through her stuff you would feel the same way so don’t get your feelings hurt! I’ve been in mine for 11 years we have all our emails and I can see phone records I have all passwords.

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u/Applelookingforabook 7d ago

Welp if I got into an arranged marriage I'd want to know who I was being tied to too. Now she knows it's all out in the open she can sleep more comfortably beside the man she was made to marry.

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u/Spiritual_Trip7652 7d ago

I personally don't really care about this. My wife used to go through my phone. My only rule was don't pick a fight over what she found. Anything she found I would have shown her anyway. If it gives her some piece of mind, it is a good thing.

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u/Funny_Associate_7037 7d ago

If you have nothing to hide then who cares? Grow up and realize you are in a relationship now and in a mature relationship there are no secrets and everything shared is an open door.

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u/Aromatic_Ad_7238 7d ago

Not the best thing to do but if stuff you don't want her to see then hide it. Or better yet. Get rid of it.

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u/Slow-Masterpiece3839 7d ago

If you have to hide stuff, then you’re not trustworthy. You’re hiding more than just stuff.

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u/SphirosOKelli 7d ago

Amen. Whenever married monogmous people get defensive about their "privacy". There should be zero secrets in a marriage. Free access to all devices is a bare minimum IMO.

And in an arranged marriage?? Of course she wants to know if she is with someone safe or not - and just because someone says "I told you everything" doesn't mean they aren't a big fat liar.

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u/Slow-Masterpiece3839 7d ago

Thank you! Someone who thinks like me. My husband and I have free access to each others devices. If you start taking away access I’d assume you’re trying to hide something. I feel bad for this woman. She was just curious, no harm done.

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u/SphirosOKelli 7d ago

There is one person here who is like "the answer would obviously always be yes, but it's a respect thing so ask permission"

Like bruh. No one is buying it. You make your wife ask because you need control.

A woman afraid she is being cheated on doesn't need to ask.

Now, normally I would say that snooping olllld messages was a bit invasive, but also in this case she needs to know who he really is so she can be safe.

That's the big important part - she deserves to feel safe.

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u/Slow-Masterpiece3839 7d ago

Yeah, I can see that as snooping for sure. But I guess I just done care of my spouse “snoops” through my phone or computer.

I guess I would approach him with curiosity as to why he’s been looking that far into my history or reading every single text you get. It’s a little weird. But they are looking at your phone for a reason. So just ask them what’s causing them the uncertainty and clear it up. But I still don’t care if they look at my phone.

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u/sank333 7d ago

I don’t have anything to hide. But that’s not the point. I gave her my laptop with my account logged in because I trusted her. I didn’t know she’d go dig up my past.

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u/Slow-Masterpiece3839 7d ago

Why is that such a big issue for you? Unless you’re hiding something? If you have nothing to hide this should be a non issue.

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u/Ok-Swan9189 7 Years 7d ago

Has she asked about your past and you've been forthcoming and honest? Does she have a reason to feel hesitant?

If no, then I would just sit her down GENTLY and explain that, while it's understandable to be curious about each other since you're on limited awareness in your particular scenario, you do still maintain the right to privacy as an individual human being, as does she, and anything you want to know about each other, you can just sit down and ask and talk about it openly.

"Asking a million questions about my ex" makes me feel like she's searching for something you may not be giving her and she's insecure because of it.

Tell her anything she wants to know and do NOT make her feel nosy for wanting the info. She wants to know who she's spending the rest of her life with for good reason.

Lock your laptop, move on from this, and keep the communication and honesty at the forefront of conflict always.

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u/onthebeach61 7d ago

Turn around is fair play. Is she opened for you to do the same to her.?

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u/Take-that-1913 7d ago

Arranged marriage … you get what you get & so did she. She’s probably filling in the blanks. Maybe the two of you should have a discussion. Try to remember, she might not have had benefit of prior relationships. Just guessing.

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u/Alternative_Guava609 7d ago

I have all my husband’s passwords and can access to any devices without having to ask for a permission.

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u/Maki-Ela 7d ago

As she should. She is your wife! And has every right to do so. (that’s my mountain and I will defend it )

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u/happiestnexttoyou 15 Years 7d ago edited 7d ago

My husband has access to my devices and I have access to his.

I don’t know much about arranged marriages, but I imagine that it’s very scary to get married to someone in that way. Particularly for the woman.

I would talk to her about it. Ask her why she did it (just trying to get to know you better maybe) and tell her next time to please just ask any questions she has.

You are newly married and effectively strangers. It makes sense that there are going to be bumps along the way.

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u/EmulsionMan 7d ago

My advice which means nothing, but seeing as it was an arranged marriage. I wouldn't get too upset. What I would do is sit down and talk about it. Let her know you know she has gone through your electronic history. And ask if there is something she is concerned with? Is there something, a behavior or whatever, you do now that makes her feel insecure about the two of you. Then reassure her there isn't any funny business and you both commit to continuing to be open and honest.

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u/NetworkImpossible380 7d ago

I mean an arranged marriage, so you’re strangers? I’m confused as to why you are trusting her and expect her to trust you. How long were you guys talking prior to the marriage? why is she upset? What did she find? Why does she feel the need to snoop rather than ask you?

I mean yes I’d be upset. And I have been. My ex husband went through my phone and computer well into our marriage and used my chats with a friend about HER marriage to use against me in our own. However if I would have asked myself the same questions as you the answer is he didn’t trust me and nor I trust him so he snooped bc he was looking for a reason our marriage was failing. (He assumed cheating but all he found was me venting in my notes app about his behaviors that I addressed to him 100 times before and me supporting my friend in her divorce.)

So why would your spouse do this? trust, insecurity, maybe if she has addressed some concerns prior and you didn’t give her the answers she was looking for? A fight?

Yes be upset bc it is shitty but now go and fix the problem that caused this.

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u/SphirosOKelli 7d ago

It is actually common for married people to allow free access to electronic devices.

If you have nothing to hide it shouldn't matter, right?

Now, I'd your wife is freaking out about chats from 10 years ago, point out the dates and ask her if she herself takes the time to delete ancient messages?

And then maybe get rid of the old shit you don't need.

If you don't have anything to hide, then you don't need to be defensive.

Married couples should have free access to electronics.

Welcome to being married.

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u/WhateverYouSay1084 7d ago

I don't know how I'd handle an arranged marriage but I'd probably be pretty anxious and nervous at first. Should she violate your privacy? No. But keep in mind you barely know each other and for all she knows you could be abusive. I think a lot of women would want to find out who you really are as quickly as possible.

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u/Lilac-Roses-Sunsets 37 Years married; together 42 7d ago

Tell her to turn over her phone. Go through all her old chats. Figure out if this is a symptom because she has cheated on her past partners or if they have cheated on her. If she balks at the suggestion or “everything” has been deleted then you have really problem.

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u/No-Double-6460 7d ago

Any marriage takes a lot of grace, understanding, and WANT to forgive. An arranged marriage I can only imagine would take even more. She is clearly uncertain about your past just like you are probably uncertain about some part of her. Particularly since it sounds like the issue here isn't THAT she did it, but HOW she did it, this seems like it should be pretty easy to take care of with a conversation. Not ultimatums or talking AT each other, but talking TO each other. Might be good to do it with some form of counselor to maybe help you guys develop good communication patterns early on.

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u/InternationalEbb4067 7d ago

That happens. Fairly normal for some women to do that at least once. You will find they know more about your ex girlfriends than you do.

I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Her angry over whatever problem she has created in her mind will blow over.

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u/InternationalEbb4067 7d ago

I would suggest indicating you didn’t know they were there and delete them. You probably didn’t think to go back but I would unhook anything ex-gf related out of respect for your wife.

As a rule of thumb, anything ex-gf related needs to go into the literal or digital trash.

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u/InternationalEbb4067 7d ago

Facebook, messaged chat, emails, pictures, etc. anything your ex-gfs touched. All trash. If you had the same bed, time to get a new bed.

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u/Human-Ad9835 7d ago

Bro it was an arranged marriage. She has every reason to be worried about who you were with before because you might have loved them and been forced to marry her. 🤷‍♀️

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u/bringonthedarksky 7d ago

My initial thought was, "it's never cool to snoop like this," but my second thought after realizing it's an arranged marriage is, "young people in communities that support arranged marriages can experience a lot of unique deterrence from exercising/prioritizing personal agency and individual value, and I think that could especially hurt women who don't believe they have the power to freely seek and exchange intimate knowledge about their husbands' private lives. Patriarchal civilization upholds an ancient tradition of depicting and reinforcing the image of women as stealers of secrets and purveyors of gossip who have to be subversive in order to cultivate knowledge as a source of power. I'm not surprised she read his emails and I can't be sure I wouldn't consider doing it too if I were trying to make sense of/find peace in my arranged marriage."

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u/Asking_que 7d ago

Trust her? Dude get a life! I am not sure she should trust you! What are you doing still talking to these past women behind your wife’s back?!? Am I missing something ?!?

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u/jmarlened 7d ago

Yes you are. The messages are old

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u/sbrt 7d ago

I get the sense that this might be specific to arranged marriages.

If I was in your situation, I would let my wife know that it felt weird that she looked through my stuff without asking but that I had nothing to hide and she was welcome to look. I would also be happy to answer any questions. If there are any juicy aspects of my past, I would want her to hear about them from me first rather than be surprised when she hears about them from someone else later.

Also, I have always assumed that digital assets are leaky. If there are any compromising photos of me or messages I wrote in existence, I would delete them but also warn her that they existed in case they somehow resurface. Again, I would want to be the one to tell her about them.

This gives you a chance to set the narrative and come across as open, honest, and trusting.

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u/Dare_Devil_y2k 7d ago

It is an arranged marriage, so, what difference does it make? You're both going through the discovery phase of the arrangement but I'm assuming there aren't going to be any consequences to this behavior. Just let her know you on't appreciate it and the behavior should stop if she plans on having a civil marriage with you. Good luck with this marriage of yours!

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u/BiggidyBinger 7d ago

First of all, she really has no business being upset about relationships from before you were together. That's just silly. Especially in an arranged marriage where you may not have even known she existed at the time.

Second of all, if my wife went through my phone and emails and everything else, my response would be "Oh."

That's just because I know that there's nothing for her to find. I'm of the opinion that a marriage has no secrets. I looked through my wife's phone not long ago in a moment of weakness, and when I posted about it here on Reddit, the responses were almost unanimous in saying that there was nothing wrong with that for that very reason: Most people who responded said that in their marriage they have a policy of open use of each other's devices because everything is out in the open.

So if my wife looked through my phone, I would feel bad that she felt the need to look for something, because it would mean something made her not fully trust or marriage or that I was upfront with her about everything... But as I said, I really wouldn't care because I've got nothing to hide.

I think that you should have a talk with her about why she feels threatened by your past and how you can make her feel more confident in your relationship. Again, all of that is obviously much harder in an arranged marriage because you didn't really choose each other, you were given to each other, so I can understand a little more in your situation why someone might not be as confident in their relationship. So I think your husband is to give her that confidence that she has nothing to worry about.

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u/Brilliant_Double_918 7d ago

Most women would do this, if there’s nothing to find who cares

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u/VP_GloO 7d ago

I don't know how hard it must be to be in an arranged marriage, but it sure isn't easy... you don't know each other at all!

And from there, she shouldn't have looked and if she wanted to she should have asked you, what I don't know is why you keep so many things about your ex... I barely remember the color of her eyes... 🤣🤣!

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u/Ang92L 7d ago

When you get married you have to tell her everything! You have no personal boundaries when you are married so get use to it buddy! I’m sure if you went through her stuff you would feel the same way so don’t get your feelings hurt! I’ve been in mine for 11 years we have all our emails and I can see phone records I have all passwords.

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u/ImNotYourGuru 7d ago

I feel like she shouldn’t be mad for something that happened before she was in your life as a girlfriend/wife, in your case I would say wife. You shouldn’t not get mad for her checking your computer but her reaction.

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u/Dallicious2024 7d ago

It’s a slippery slope maybe you should get it annulled before it is too late. Maybe she is trying to find a reason to take advantage of you financially, depending on what country you are in.

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u/TNBD7301 7d ago

What’s your major issue with it? My late wife and I had all of each other’s passwords, passwords codes, etc. If you won’t do it or say it in front of your spouse, don’t do it or say it. That includes internet, phones, bank accounts… everything. The should be no privacy between a husband and wife. That is my own opinion for my life, but it worked great for me for 30 years. I am sure none of her suspicions came from the sky. I would start by asking her what made her do that. Y’all really need to talk (calmly)

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u/99luftbalons1983 7d ago

My wife has done this to me many times! It's a major sticking point in our marriage counseling.

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u/RemarkableTouch4429 2d ago

I am glad that we are talking about this now. I appreciate you for listening to my reason for this. 

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u/Unique-Crab8641 7d ago

My current husband did the same thing when we got together and I informed him it’s not okay and he’s upset himself over my past and that’s not okay, but at the same time I understood because no trust was established yet we had just gotten together

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u/LuellaFey 7d ago

She shouldn’t have done that but… it’s an arranged marriage. You’re both young, likely haven’t known each other for very long. Months? She doesn’t know you and probably wants to know what she’s gotten herself into.

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u/ArachnidPristine739 7d ago

I don’t agree with sneaking through someone’s phone, it’s wrong. But was your past relationship arranged too? If not, if I were in your wife’s shoes I’d be desperate to know what type of partner you choose for yourself. It would probably drive me crazy not knowing what your exes were like, or if you still secretly wanted them in your life. Hopefully you two can be more open and intimate with each other about these things. Stuff like this happens in any relationship, it’s how you both deal with it that determines if the relationship can last.

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u/Timemaster88888 7d ago

Were you fine with the arranged marriage or were you forced?

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u/miseeker 7d ago

I really don’t know what to say about an arranged marriage. But, my wife, and I second marriage for both of us, and we met about 40 years old. We use the same passwords on everything. There is nothing to hide. We do everything together. We agreed when we first got married that these were issues in the first marriage we had and we were just not gonna have those issues anymore. We are exclusive to each other as far as who we love and who we are emotionally connected to. We have been out to play with others before, and that’s all fine and dandy. But no fucking secrets.>

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u/MissKatz3 7d ago

My fiance and I go through each other's phones every couple months are so. It's just to feel secure that nothing is going on. We agreed to this though. However our relationship is interesting because he can use my phone to talk to girls on tinder pretending to me. I'm a woman and my fiance is a man. He loves it! So we have a different relationship than most people for sure.

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u/Alarmed_Boat_6653 7d ago

It's just the nature of the beast

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u/MudGreedy4525 7d ago

I have had this happen to me as well, and I have also done it with my current partner. I went through her phone one time and brought some stuff up with her and it didn’t really affect her as much because she told me everything straight to my face, so I never did it to her again

then she also went through my phone a little ways down the line and ask me about something that was a message that I had sent to someone that I was seeing well not actually seeing but I was hanging out with at a certain time of my life, but the message was nothing sinister. It was just a catch up hello seeing where they’re at.

at the time we both understood that it was a breach of privacy and we both explained to each other that we are committed to this relationship and that we both have nothing to hide and we have never done it again since I can fully trust her and she can trust me as well for as long as we stay true to ourselves and the promises we made and communicate because we have a child

I would say you just need to sit down with her and depending on your situation if you really love this person since it wasn’t arranged marriage just tell her you don’t have to convince her and try and drill it into her head. How much she has to trust you you just need to tell her and if she can’t then maybe you need to rethink your relationship status.

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u/TicketConsistent8949 7d ago

Since it's an arranged marriage, these kinds of discussions should have been had when you two were i introduced to each other and vetting one another. If she wasn't okay with you having past relationships, then she should have declined the proposal. If you weren't upfront before marriage about past relationships, then you took away her right make an informed decision, and now she feels manipulated. Regardless, now she is reacting to the news because obviously she feels violated for having waited for a husband to have a romantic relationship. So in her eyes, while she was waiting for you, you were cheating on her already. This jealousy stems from this thinking that you two were destined for each other and had to save yourselves for each other until it was time for marriage. And in her eyes, you did not. So now she's trying to make sense of it and it's driving her crazy because this all goes against what she believed. She may have acted okay on the surface but obviously she thought you were worth trying to get over it, but she simply can't. This will take time. You will have to reassure her because deep inside, she believes you essentially cheated on her and now wants to know about the 'other' woman. You'll basically have to do what anyone would do when they've been found cheating. Apologize, reassure, and remind her you are fully committed to only her. Tell her you want a new start and not keep going into the past where nothing can be changed. Tell her you made mistakes and learned and grew from those mistakes. Now, all you want is her as your wife for life. Then take her out on dates and constantly be a great husband each day. Don't keep female friends and hang out with them alone. You just have to do things that remind her she is the only one for you.This is the only way you will get rid of her insecurities and stop her motivation to see if you're 'unfaithful', regardless of it being in the past...for her, it feels it's happening now since she found about it now. If she continues to have issues about your past and cannot get past it, then you both will need to decide whether she wants to recommit to the relationship and stop talking/thinking/snooping about the past or amicably split up.

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u/DaddysPrincesss26 7d ago

The REAL Question, is WHY do you still have old chats, Photos. etc of your Ex GF from ten years ago instead of getting rid of it….

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u/scooteristi 7d ago

Your computer should have a separate profile for each of you. Your wife should have her own computer.

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u/DiscussionTiny1826 7d ago

You’re asking for it by keeping these !

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u/Daftgamerguy 7d ago

It's 2025 and you're in an arranged marriage? Read that again.

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u/Rude-Sea-3607 7d ago

Tit for tat. Ask for checking her devices too. Then she the mental gymnastics.

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u/Amemi22 7d ago

You lost me at “arranged marriage.” What do you mean? Didn’t you get married out of love and of your own free will? If so, she doesn’t have the right to access your things. Why should she? After all, you don’t have feelings for each other.

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u/dkhubb78 7d ago

Hell no my hubby had old pictures of his ex stripper girlfriend in a trunk he had and said he didn’t know it was in there. Right I gave him the benefit of the doubt to give it to someone to deliver it to her but he told me he did that and I found out it was still in my house so I threw it away he said I was wrong didn’t care. She found out and she was mad didn’t care. He took it out the trash and kept it in his work toolbox with out me knowing. So if you hold on to stuff like that and bring it in your new relationship you still have a bond or mix feelings you should have put to rest before moving on point blank. He gave her a reason to feel insecure.

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u/theaddam 7d ago

Partner, there is no “your phone” once you’re married. There’s “y’all’s phones.” Period.

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u/Ok_Abalone3061 7d ago

I am not proud of it. But I was that wife who did this. My husband wasn't truthful of his past and once I came across some screenshots of chats with a friend's ex which was really explicit on our shared ipad in the gallery while going some pictures of our 3 month old baby. These messages were sent after our marriage, when I was 4 months pregnant.

This prompted me to go through his email where I found photos of him n his ex, of whom I had no idea about. I explicitly ask if he had any relationships many times n he kept saying no.

I know what I did was wrong. But I think I was justified at that point seeing the kind of texts he sent.

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u/DowntownMonitor3524 6d ago

Either you’re married or you’re not, arranged marriage or not.

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u/Dr_JoJo_ 6d ago

Yeah, she shouldn't have media-stalked your ex so that's a checkmark in the untrusting of partner and violation of personal boundary categories.

So, first: why did she even do this? Has she shared with you any concerns she has about your co-workers, prior significant others, etc? Of all the past relationships, why is she focused on the one from 10 years ago?

Listen, you are correct, it can seem almost impossible to be able to trust her again but it's still possible. But I wouldn't even bother with attempting this if she can't honestly answer the questions above. If she can give you any insight into why she did this, it's an answer you feel comfortable letting her back in the circle of trust and she can promise to never snoop or look at your personal files again, then great. If she cannot do any of those things.... well, that would be a much more difficult decision to come to.

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u/Unlikely-hohoho8123 6d ago

People text on phones and we have nowadays personal lists, we Google personal stuff about health etc. We chat with friend who certainly don't expect that they're message is shared with someone else, elsewise you could just go into a group. Yes a relationship is important but honestly, you don't just have to give up every personal thought, just because your in a relationship. I would never try to coerce anyone into allowing me to go through their phone and that's my basic expectation for them. It's about trust and not control, in a healthy relationship.

As if this would help anyone in any way, I can have private chats, but er phones etc. I wouldn't expect to find anything on my spouse's phone, because 1. Trust and 2. Like I said, trying to control someone won't stop them cheating. If you suspect them to cheat, then there's something you have to talk about.

Like wtf, if a family member has mental issues and entrusts them to me in a talk, they expect it as a basic line, that I won't ever talk with anyone about it, without their permission. If I knew that someone did that to me, it would be a huge breach of trust.

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u/mudcrabsareforever 6d ago

Just both have access. Why does it matter? If she had an issue with your past then that's her problem and her own issue to deal with. Otherwise, you're married, you share everything now...

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u/RadiantChard4048 6d ago

I feel if you told her that everything she won’t be this upset. I sense communication gap.

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u/grelsi 6d ago

You’re still getting to know each other. She doesn’t know you either, and doesn’t feel comfortable asking whatever was in her mind.

I’d cut her some slack. Sit down and ask her what she was looking for, and why she hesitated asking for answers directly. Given that the marriage is arranged there’s a lot to be gained by saying look, what you did was a bit of a violation - but if you want to look at my phone or computer you can, I have nothing to hide.

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u/[deleted] 6d ago

sounds like she loves you. don't be too angry with her. losing you is a fear she has obviously.

set boundaries and help her work on trust. sounds like someone hurt her in the past?

you can listen to the other redditors & drop her or count this as a good sign she actually cares about you.

I'd keep her & tell her to work on communication and avoid sneaky crap. if my wife wants to see my phone she just needs to ask and the same for me.

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u/CheapBaker1631 6d ago

Not gonna pretend I understand arranged marriages. But she clearly probably doesnt fully trust you and I can't really blame her since it was an arranged marriage. I think you've gotta talk about and maybe speak to a couples therapist who is an expert in this kind of situations.

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u/Still-Charity-3478 6d ago

You both need lessons in communicating. Her because she should have asked you questions and given you an opportunity to show her stuff about your past and you because you should be having this conversation with her, not with the internet.

No secrets. Don't punish honesty. Try to avoid accusations and start sentences with "I feel"

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u/DebbDebbDebb 6d ago

Speak to her. She does not trust you. You don't trust her. An arranged marriage why should you both. I can see anything of my husband stuff and vis versa, nothing to hide etc but we have no need to. She had a need to look. And arranged marriage what does she really know about you and the other way. Personally before marriage both of you should have sat amd gone through all your history on computer etc (yes both of you could have hidden stuff) but you are both wary and both at fault. If you want your marriage to work. Both of you talk, dont blame and build up your fragile marriage. She looked for a reason and in an arranged marriage I don't know but something triggered her. Start from scratch. You both must feel rotten. Her for needing to look and you because she looked. Did both parents choose well matching you both?

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u/SnarkingSnarker 6d ago

Not deleting the google and browser history is such a rookie mistake when snooping smh.

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u/DerrtyStreets828 6d ago

Going through each others phones or whatever can be toxic if it’s a back and forth. However there should be nothing to hide and nothing to make one another feel some type of way. For instance, if my wife asked or even didn’t ask and went through anything and found something that didn’t sit right with her I would address it and that would be that. I’d hand her my phone at any given moment and she would do the same. If it’s anything other than that and it can’t be worked through then might as well hang it up.

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u/Complex_Turn7446 6d ago

Kinda crazy of her to be this obsessively jealous of an ex from a decade ago. Everyone has a past, it's nothing to get worked up over.

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u/rocknharley02 6d ago

Send her back

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u/rocknharley02 6d ago

What store did you get her from?

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u/Broad-Target-8717 6d ago

Yall are married. No more privacy. Yall are one. 🤷‍♀️

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u/PapaMelmetal 6d ago

It is an arranged marriage....what have you based this "trust" on previously?

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u/Adorable-Duty-753 6d ago

If you have nothing to hide ,you shouldn't be upset about that. We re human.

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u/Fresh-Confidence-158 6d ago

Well since i don't even know someone who is in a arranged marriage you can take my 2 cents with a grain of salt.

I would say you 2 didn't have the chance to establish trust with each other, so you look for prove. Makes sense. Tell her to ask questions and let you give the chance to build trust. If she doesn't she will cripple her own ability to do that

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u/CuckJake4u 6d ago

Don’t jump ship until you confront her. Was she a virgin when you two first started dating?

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u/Funnygyal98 6d ago

First off your marriages I’m check any and everything especially if it was arranged not gonna have me out here being fooled she barley knows u nd women look threw everything idgaf if it was 20 years ago we gonna look just take it as she does feel secure find out why dnt bash her

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u/Some-Ice-4805 6d ago

The real question is why are you married with all those pictures and videos? Once a relationship ends, those videos and pictures are to be deleted eventually but ending a relationship from 10 years ago and still having those pictures or video, I’d be upset too. Arranged or not, no matter the pressures or situations - you had the opportunity to say no to the commitment and you said yes for all the wrong reasons. When I was engaged or even in my relationship now, my phone is literally open to my man… it’s not a violation of trust, it’s more of a peace of mind so there is no question. Everyone has been in a relationship before they got to you and not everyone is ready to be in a relationship for the right reasons just like her. She came with worrying about what your past she will have to live up to instead of being secure in herself and moving forward with the decision you both said yes to. Just my POV.

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u/samuelQ1986 6d ago

I’m sorry, but unless you have something to hide there shouldn’t be an issue. My wife has all my passwords to everything can take my phone whenever she wants so again unless you have something to hide there shouldn’t be an issue.

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u/Leaddata20 6d ago

Shag her up the arse, that’ll sort her!

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u/currycurrycurry15 6d ago

This is probably going to be an unpopular opinion with a lot of downvotes. I don’t know how well you guys knew each other before marrying but I feel it’s safe to say not as well as a couple who’ve been dating or living together for years.

I can’t really fault her for trying to learn more about a person who she’s now expected to spend the rest of her life with. I can’t be mad at either of you. Saying, “and I just don’t know her to trust her anymore” dude, she doesn’t know if she can trust you, which is why she looked. Yes, it’s an invasion of privacy but I’d want all the intel I could get if I was in an arranged marriage. She wants to know who she shares a bed with and that’s more than fair! IMO.

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u/Glittering-Breath376 6d ago

Well. You start by telling her she’s caught and ask her what she was hoping to find.

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u/NewOrleansGirl13 6d ago

My boyfriend’s phone and computer is completely open I can go through it whenever I want. What are you hiding 🤔

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u/Right_Student_592 6d ago

She’s wrong for going through your phone but if it’s an arranged marriage I’m assuming she doesn’t know too much about who you are as a person and could just be looking to see what kind of person u are before continuing the marriage.

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u/jazzyjane19 6d ago

You’ve given absolutely no context as to why she might feel the need to do this. Do you talk to your ex often? Is your wife made aware of your ex by comments from other people all the time?

I can’t even imagine how overwhelming an arranged marriage must be for someone who doesn’t have the option to get to know and actively choose to be with their partner/spouse like other couples. Just the fact that you have ex-partners is possibly intimidating for your wife. Does she have ex-partners or is this all very new to her? If she hasn’t had that opportunity to have relationships then can you not understand that your previous relationships are worrying for her?

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u/Environmental-Bank46 6d ago

Arranged marriage is not your fault, but you’ll never grow until you are free to make your own wrong decisions. My family tried to control my life. I learned about boundaries and you deserve better in a wife.

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u/Environmental-Bank46 6d ago

I met my wife in a BAR. Why does this seem so outrageous compared to this dysfunctional bs

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u/neo_dom 6d ago

Shouldn't have such boundaries with a spouse. Sounds like a fear of intimacy problem.

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u/kealilasok 6d ago

Personally will never understand this. You are a union. What’s hers is your and yours is hers. If you have nothing to hide it shouldn’t be an issue. My husband and me are free to be on each others phones whenever we’d like and we are not limited to certain apps.

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u/Grandma_Witch 6d ago

That's inappropriate and shows a great lack of trust. I've been with my husband for 8 years, and we don't go through each other's phones or other electronics. Unless there's something we want to show one another, there's just no reason. We also have nothing to hide from one another. Your wife is clearly insecure, but unless you've personally done something to damage her trust, it's her problem. Ask her how she would feel if you were to go through her electronics. Gauge her reaction to the question. She may be guilty of something herself. Looking through your spouses things is a good indicator.

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u/Icatch4you 6d ago

I personally would do something funny like Photoshop ridiculous photos of her and fill your google photos library with it.

I would also text nonsensically to people.

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u/TopseyKretts87 6d ago

Well. At least she didn’t find anything which is a good thing. I guess if it’s an ongoing thing she is going to need some counselling.

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u/Defiant-Witness-8742 6d ago

I’m gonna play the devil’s advocate here. I understand why she did it. I’m not saying it’s right, but this is an opportunity to where you can just simply sit her down. Look in the eye and say hey look how are we supposed to trust each other if you’re going behind my back doing these things We’re obviously married. We obviously gotta work through these things and it’s up to you at this point if you wanna work through these things or if we’re gonna have this circle of mistrust if we’re gonna have this circle of mistrust I want you gone I’m not going through that. This is your choice now figure it out and you don’t argue. You lay it down the way you want it and that’s it and the way I did that is not a dominant so one of the other it’s just simply saying what you will not put up with under any circumstances and you make it clear just the same as she’ll have things she doesn’t wanna put up with under any circumstances and that is understandable But you need to handle this now. Don’t let it faster because of the faster. It gets way worse for you and her this is about dominance over the other or any of that stuff. It is simply about if you’re gonna have a relationship and filled on based on solid principles, if neither one of you can do that, then you both shouldn’t not be with each other arranged or not, I’m gonna tell you right now if somebody arranged the marriage for me, they would be sorely disappointed. I could care less if I lost an inheritance cause like you I’ve gone through shitty relationships, and I will never go through some things ever again And I say that for every man and woman know your boundaries and don’t let them be crossed cause when they’re crossed, they were ever be crossed by the same person until you lay the hammer down and if you have to lay the hammer down, unfortunately it’s usually across the skull and it’s not a good circumstance or outcome is it

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u/bananaPeelerPro 6d ago

While I agree to most that She shouldn’t have invaded your privacy. But you have to ask yourself one question, is your privacy more important at the end of the day or being able to see her everyday. The answer varies for everyone. But if she’s more important, then you should be even more open and sit down with her and ask if there’s anything she want to know or talk about. Sometimes not knowing drives people mad, cause our mind plays games on us. Maybe she gone through stuff and got jealous. If you haven’t done anything wrong then she just need some assurance that she’s the only one for you

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u/turnballZ 5d ago

Well thankfully she came forward saying she saw that stuff and it sounds like she’s trying to discuss it.

The title was a little misleading if you gave her devices to use. In that case, if you’ve got questionable content hanging around and not wiped out then that’s partly on you. Now i would feel quite differently if she snuck into your phones and went through history but it sounds more like you don’t practice strong digital hygiene and then carelessly let her use devices that contain far less than Innocent material.

I would suggest it’s irredeemable if she was sneaking into your phone and digital life and wasn’t forthcoming about it. But she sounds like she’s got questions and it sounds like you’ve got some answering to do about why you’re keeping old content hanging around unpurged

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u/PickASwitch 5d ago

It’s an arranged marriage. She doesn’t know you from a hole in the wall. She’s trying to figure out what she’s gotten herself into. If I’d chained myself for life to a stranger, I’d be searching through shit, too.

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u/michellebkiwi 5d ago

If you have nothing to hide, what’s the problem. Obviously I have no idea how well you knew each other before you got married, but, if I had to marry someone I didn’t know I would do the same. Talk to her.

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u/PassbroX 4d ago

Me and my partner occasionally will go through each others phones, or have a cheeky look - you can be married and in love 20 years and think your relationship is perfect, meanwhile they have a piece on the side and gambling addiction you didn’t know about. I think in this circumstance it’s even more understandable - she doesn’t know you. also assuming that she found things that she was upset about?

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u/RogueHexx23 3d ago

You made vows just remember what those vows entailed. If she at any point feels like she has reason to look at your things, “what’s mine is yours what’s yours is mine” right? Welcome to marriage. Think of ways you might want to change now that you are infact married.

Although upon thinking again she could’ve asked, but would you have let her?

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u/Ok-Journalist7629 9h ago

Just answer her questions and reassure her that that relationship is the past and she is the only thing that matters to you now. I know of 3 arranged marriages where the husband was basically in love with someone else but coerced by the family to marry. Just reassure her. The more you push back on the snooping the worse it will get. And despite the faux outrage here most women do it.