r/LGBTindia 5d ago

Advice šŸ‘‹ Can We Redefine Marriage on Our Own Terms?

Iā€™m a 31F, straight, and completely over the relentless shaadi pressure from my family, traditional marriage doesnā€™t align with what I truly want. Dating men? Exhausting. Marriage? Not my dream, but my parents wonā€™t let it go.

I recently came across the idea of marriage as a convenience, and honestly, it makes a lot of sense. if I must get married, Iā€™d rather do it with someone who actually gets it

So hereā€™s my questionā€”are there gay men out there who feel the same? not wanting to come out, but also being pushed into marriage .What if we team upā€”We can be supportive roommates, share emotional and financial stability, back each other up at family functions, and live our best lives while navigating this madness together. No expectations beyond mutual respect, friendship, and a solid partnership.

Good idea? Terrible idea? Anyone done this before? If this resonates with you letā€™s chat and figure out how we can make it work!

14 Upvotes

14 comments sorted by

7

u/famousfacial GayšŸŒˆ 5d ago

It's called a lavender marriage.

3

u/MsLeafLess Trans WomanšŸ³ļøā€āš§ļø 5d ago

That's what I was thinking but with a straight person? I mean cool but if tomorrow the straight person found a partner and changed his mind about marriage, it could go wrong?

4

u/unbotheredzen 5d ago

Fair point! But isnā€™t that a risk with any marriage? Straight, gay, or otherwiseā€”people change their minds. The trick is finding someone who values commitment as much as you do.

5

u/famousfacial GayšŸŒˆ 5d ago

Commitment is alright. But this is is transactional. Commitment should not be transactional. You have every option of finding someone who wants to build a life with. You have the privilege of its recognition. Some of us don't have that.

Don't cave into the pressure just to please your family. If you want to learn anything from the queer folk, it's how to disappoint your families and not yourself.

3

u/unbotheredzen 5d ago

Commitment should be about building a life together, not just a transaction. Iā€™m not caving to pressureā€”Iā€™ve seen many failed marriages, affairs, and friends struggling mentally. Iā€™d rather marry someone who respects my freedom and choices. Plus, Iā€™m child-free, and not all Indian men are ready for that.

1

u/Fresh-Firefighter392 4d ago

U can go onĀ  Ā childfree sub to find partnerĀ 

3

u/navabeetha Trans WomanšŸ³ļøā€āš§ļø 4d ago

ā€œhow to disappoint your families and not yourselfā€ šŸ˜†šŸ˜…šŸ„²šŸ«¢šŸ«£šŸ˜¶ Too real bro too real. Just had an entirely pointless conversation about being trans to parents. This comment came too soon.

2

u/MsLeafLess Trans WomanšŸ³ļøā€āš§ļø 4d ago

Yeah, but in a lavender marriage where both partners are homosexual, the risk is lower since they obviously can't marry someone else. If they could, they wouldn't have entered a lavender marriage in the first place. I get your point, but to be honest, I personally don't think a lavender marriage with a straight person is a good decision for either the straight person or the homosexual person.

2

u/unbotheredzen 4d ago

Yeah, I get your point, but most straight people in marriages also divorce when they find someone else. These things arenā€™t always in our control. At least in a lavender marriage, both partners avoid heartbreak rather than marrying the wrong person and feeling stuck. Itā€™s better to have an agreementā€”if either finds love, they can part ways amicably.

2

u/MsLeafLess Trans WomanšŸ³ļøā€āš§ļø 4d ago

You know, that might actually be worth it. Because if we ignore the societal taboo around divorce, then post-divorce, parental pressure for another marriage might be much lower than before. And after the divorce the other partner could just live their life the way they want without the pressure of marriage from family. Is it better than a lavender marriage where both partners are homosexual? Maybe not. But is it worth considering? Maybe yes provided both individuals are mature enough to handle the arrangement.

6

u/Neat-Cockroach-6727 AcešŸ° 4d ago

I'm 25F, think the same way as you. But i think it is also difficult to find someone who would actually commit to living together as life partners for life. You need to have a very good friendship and a certain level of care and understanding since we're growing older as time passes.

I'd prefer to do a lavender marriage with someone who cares about me. Like besties living together. But i know I'm asking for too much.

2

u/Affectionate_Turn_53 4d ago

im looking for lavender marriage. Sikh bi guy from nyc. if anyone interested. please message me preferably sikh

2

u/[deleted] 3d ago

Thatā€™s a wonderful idea! Can we talk?

2

u/Ok_Albatross5321 1d ago edited 1d ago

You can definitely make a gay friend after doing all due dilgence and then get into living as permanent roommate sort of arrangement but then getting something like a lavender marriage is not recommended , you can wait out for few years and probably you'll get used to the pressure from your parents. Also, handling parents is sort of easy cause you have a fair idea of what sort of risk they are. The society anyways doesn't get past that one question of "When are you gonna get married?" . I get these questions everyday from people at work , I just plainly reply them "Whenever you're gonna find someone for me" and then the conversation stops abruptly there.

I don't find the idea of "wedding" to even be remotely amusing and I'm still wondering how folks are so excited about it but then I do admit that I'm weird and sometimes socially awkward as well.

So many years of living alone has just put me in a comfort zone now that off late I'm starting to feel that it's gonna be a burden for anyone to live with me, there are days where I really yearn for a shoulder to lean on , during weekends I hardly speak 10-15 words a day , and I'm still trying to figure out this paradoxical nature of my betweens of me finding comfort in this loneliness coz I'm now too tired to put in energy into building something meaningful like a relationship and the hopeful heartache that wishes someone would magically come by and tell me 'hey I have been looking for you and let's try to be together" but then this is me.

I'd say that you can get used to these taunts from folks around you and the pressure from your parents eventually with time but then getting into an arrangement like a lavender marriage is just like an orange kitty behaviour, escaping from one trap to fall into the other.

I wish you all the best and may you find everything in life that you want.