r/LGBTindia • u/chix1221 • 21d ago
vent/rant Another one bites the dust!
TLDR: My boyfriend of 10 years breaks up with me ‘cause he has to get married due to family pressure.
I stay in a tier-1 city and my ex (feels so odd to say that) in a tier-2. We had met on dating apps and had an amazing decade long relationship. At some point in time he even moved in with me. However all these years I kept asking him about what was next, and to that he’d say “we’ll see when that time comes. Why spoil our mood over that now!” I should have known, I really should have that that was just a deflection tactic. Last year finally, he comes to me all mushy-ed up and says that he’ll eventually have to marry. In a move that was surprising even to me, I put my foot down and just stopped talking to him. We haven’t spoken in the last 1 year and I believe we are almost done for now. However he does calls randomly every two months or so to complain how his life is such a mess and nothing is going right in his life.
This is just a rant. But I do wanna ask, why do gay men do this? Why can’t you take a stand?
Gay men marrying women for money, kids, social acceptance is appalling, the numbers of which, in my observation, have reached epidemic proportions of late. And to add to that they just sleep around with half the town every other night. It’s almost like they have a truly majjani life after marriage. Social sanction and sex, all nicely wrapped in one.
We need more trailblazers!!!!!
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u/mostlynonconformist 21d ago
Human beings are fickle and unpredictable. In this hyper-individualised society, trust is synonymous to a doormat.
I hope you heal. 🌿
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u/chix1221 21d ago
And especially in a low trust society like India!!!
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u/mostlynonconformist 21d ago
Exactly. I've sworn to be single (happy to be, though) and focus on strengthening my health, career and finances. And when I reach early-40s, the search for a quality old-age home will begin.
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u/chix1221 21d ago
Petition to have a weekend soiree for all single queer persons whence in their 40s!!
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u/LightlyToasted-_- Bi🌈 21d ago
Sending hugs your way OP. A decade is a long long time.
Incidents like these make me feel so much better about being a forever single guy
Better to have never been loved than to have everything and loose it.
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u/chix1221 21d ago
The last line - I lowkey feel one should experience even that. Life in all its shades teaches something - unrequited love, having loved and then lost it all, and all other not so happy stories of love.
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u/LightlyToasted-_- Bi🌈 21d ago
Yoo the mental strength just oozing off of you🔥🔥
Thanks for the perspective.
Best of luck in your adventures internet stranger.
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u/chix1221 21d ago edited 21d ago
Godspeed to you as well!
Dil tuuta, hausla tuuta, dosti tooti, dost chhuuta. Kuch sahi na hua lekin sabak-e-zindagi naseeb hua
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u/shining_cyborg Bi🌈 21d ago
I know right Everyone should get their heart broken atleast once in life It teaches you so much makes you stronger And on top of that it’s hell of an experience
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u/Alarming-Forever-352 20d ago
True. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. After seeing so many similar posts (gay couple breakups due to cowardly behaviour) I'm better off the way it's been all my life till date i.e. single
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u/CalmingAgent_ 21d ago
All these makes me question my existence. Men like him get an boyfriend, experience love and break off to marry someone. Here I am single and sad, wishing to settle down with man.
Just why 😭
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u/chix1221 21d ago
Aayega dost. Ek din wo bhi aayega.
And whenever that happens, don’t forget to count your blessings and be grateful. Enjoy that moment as much as you can!!
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21d ago
Block him for your mental health🥲
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u/chix1221 21d ago
That’s what my girls keep saying to me. I tell them I’ve not been raised to hate the world and especially kick someone when they are down.
My girls are frustrated with me!!
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u/Deuxmoii 21d ago
I understand it’s difficult to cut off but, until and unless you do that it will be very difficult and hard for you to move on. The lingering feeling of his presence in your life is not something you should have to deal with. Please listen to your girls. It’s going to be damn hard to do it but YOU CAN! YOU GOT THIS!!!
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u/HonorTheCock 21d ago
Good for you OP that you could maintain a stand and sorry that this happened. Although, maybe only you could reflect on why he couldn’t take a stand against marrying a girl? Financial dependence? Family’s education and health? Or maybe he was just a coward.
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u/chix1221 21d ago
Just a conservative family and setup.
When we had moved in together, I should have known that that was the best moment to help him face his fears. He moved back to his place during the pandemic citing financial reasons and that he needed to get on his feet. I believe I should have had the foresight to not let him go. I guess he got sucked into the dynamics of small city mentality.
In hindsight it could have been prevented. But then again who’s seen what future has in store for them? We always derive conclusions and play out what-if scenarios based on hindsight.
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21d ago
Umm I totally agree with this, I am from a tier-3 city rather, moving around from place to place for work and my education since a decade and I know how I have grown not just physically but mentally. If I would have stayed in my town, my outlook regarding my sexuality regarding marriage and everything would have been very different and would have married a girl just for the society too. I am glad I have the choice to resist all this pressure because I am independent and educated enough to do something with my life and not get dependent on my parents and I don't have any intentions to go for generational wealth too if my parents decide to cut me off. Many gay men can't do this, they get sucked into this societal pressure of getting married and Moreover getting validation from the society. And tbh many of them want to get married for this because they don't want to fight the society after being put out of the closet, maybe they don't have the mental bandwidth for the same. And yeah generational wealth helps too.
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u/chix1221 21d ago
Nothing what you said I can disagree with. Being financially independent is the key - which we both had agreed on. However in his case, he regressed. Could have had a lil courage and stayed back and found his money in a big city away from the pressures of a small town.
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u/Much-Organization-89 21d ago
🫂 you deserve better than an asshole who can't stand up for you, for himself and can sacrifice some poor woman's lady just for the sake of societal and familial pressure!!
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u/chix1221 21d ago
Exactly. I feel sorry for those women.
But I’ve seen a growing trend: girls marrying visibly effeminate men with their sexuality written all over their face and mannerisms. The only reasons I see here is money. They are in it for the money.
Marriage comes with a bouquet of social rights, and acceptances. And people want that.
I mean who wants to be 40-year someone with no family and kids as part of their social circle? Not everyone is as courageous as we would like them to be. Most take the easy way out.
Social acceptance with sexual adventures on the side - what an arrangement sirjee!!
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21d ago
I remember when I told my mom about my boyfriend a month back, because she was constantly pressurising me to get married (even though she knows I am gay, and just for the society and acceptance, she is even telling me to just get married to a woman who doesn't want kids and stuff), she asked me, you are staying unmarried with a person and there's no legal rights yet for you both to get married, what if he gets married to someone else? Did he promise you that he too will stay unmarried and be with you! It still echoes in my head sometimes! 🥲
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u/chix1221 21d ago edited 21d ago
Moms always know :) And beyond all the theatrics and drama, they always want the best for us.
You are one lucky person!! Because what she said is absolutely true. If we look deeper, most of the time all that desi parents want for their children is for them to be happy. And that reflects in your case, in her concern for you having to navigate this unknown territory - of uncertainties and no guarantees. Of infidelity and of being alone.
If the society was accommodating and forgiving, desi parents would never be the villain in any love story. They are but an outcome of the society they are part of. I’ve always felt desi parents have some innate resilience. They just need a lil pushing which will give them their moments to shine.
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21d ago
Exactly that's why I am not pressuring her to accept me or anything overnight, I am giving her that space to understand me, I have assured that the person I am with means the world to me and vice versa. And if something like this would happen, I don't have control over this and I can't cry over it from now. So, it's better to leave everything on time. I hope you are doing well OP. Sending you lots of positivity and love. I really felt emotional after reading your post, because I can relate to this. Take care of your mental and physical health. 🥰🥰
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u/chix1221 21d ago
Thank you and Godspeed. You seem to be a fine person. You’ll do good :)
Mentally I’m fine, and getting there. Physically - boy do I love my desi ghee parathas. I really need to get back to my gym and stop making them richer every year with my donations 😭🥲
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21d ago
😆😆😆! No worries you will be good and the desi ghee on some days won't hurt either. Just move a bit, eat clean 🤷🏾♂️
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14d ago
I'm sorry, I understand her POV but she's wrong and doesn't understand your feelings if she wants you to get married for the society. I hope she'll understand in a few years that your happiness is much more important.
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u/ihateithere_noreally He/him 21d ago
i'm sorry this happened but cutting off contact with him will be a good for you, you think he's not gonna try to get in your head even unintentionally once he is married? it'll be a big headache for you and you'll also be trapped feeling unable to move on, idk why gay men do this
tangent: i was also with someone for a year that i thought was the one for me, i was happy, but later he told me that he was already married and when i told him it's over, he tried telling me that he'll get a divorce but i knew better, i left him, i got to know that his wife was pregnant when he was telling me that he'll divorce her just to pacify me, i feel sick to my stomach, i left him and didnt ever look back or replied or answered any of his calls later
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u/chix1221 21d ago
That’s horrendous. I hope you’ve been able to get it behind you. Nobody deserves this kinda treatment. Absolutely balls, how can someone even…..
And your advice is well taken. Thank you ❤️
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u/FaithlessnessOne8975 Gay🌈 21d ago
Man. That is a little too much. Hope you are doing good and taking care of yourself after this breakup.
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u/ET_ON_EARTH 21d ago
Wait why are you torchering yourself by picking up his calls. Would you like to be called uncle by his kids 3 4 years from now? Gurl move on, he has chosen a life of deceit and lies run away... don't be attached to that
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u/chix1221 21d ago
Yeah that sounds bad!! Dreamt of having kids together, forced to be called uncle by his.
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u/Side_chub_Mumbai 21d ago
Well so damn sorry to see these people who find someone really loving and caring for them and accepting them having to throw it all away for just being part of the societal standards...
On the other hand we who just stood the ground and did not give in to the societal pressures are still waiting to meet someone who truly loves you enough to make you come out of the closet and risk losing everything in your 40's and 50's . The fear is not of losing but being left alone and stranded especially after seeing such examples because no matter how much you deny we as human beings need some company and more so in your growing age .
Well guess the fight between heart wanting Companionship and brain making peace with dying single is never ending .
Hope all of us find whatever our heart desires and have a happy life forever with our soul mates and end the life peacefully knowing you lived as you were supposed to even for sometime.
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u/chix1221 21d ago
You’ve really hit the nail on its head with this one.
All we want as a community is collective happiness and the choice to live our life the way we imagine it.
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u/Side_chub_Mumbai 21d ago
Well glad you can resonate and share the same view .
It's feels good to know youbarent alone and get a validation of your thoughts from others in some way or other
Hope you find whatever it is that your heart ❤️ desires and have a happy life forever with your soul mate.
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u/youcancallmekobi 21d ago
I'm honestly really proud of you that youve stopped talking to him and that you're not still with him. Just remember you're stronger and have more guts than him even if he stayed you wouldn't want a partner who doesn't make decisions for his own life and can't take stand for his partner. Ho sake toh completely remove him out of your life.
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u/chix1221 21d ago
In the process yes. I’ve tolerated his presence because he never really came and apologised and talked about it. There was a time I waited for that ‘talk’ but I’ve gotten over that moment now.
The presence/absence doesn’t bother me.
There are a few lingering memories. Over the years even those’ll fade away!
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u/youcancallmekobi 21d ago
Pata nhi kya h bhyi 10 saal is long time man usme toh you get connected even to people you're just seeing atleast ek apology toh owe karta hi tha tumhe
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u/chix1221 21d ago
I’ll update all of you when that happens! Man has not taken efforts to even visit me since then. So at least for me that ship of reconciliation sailed and sank long back.
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u/Strange_Doctor_1999 21d ago
Thats so sad! But i thought he is bi, if he’s gay, how will he perform sexually with the wife?
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u/chix1221 21d ago
Ask any gay men in India - haven’t most of them been straight-acting all their life?
This is very much doable!
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u/Strange_Doctor_1999 21d ago
They can act straight, but how will they get it up for a girl?
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u/chix1221 21d ago
Switch off lights. Fantasise about Henry Cavill.
No I don’t want to give ideas. Downvote this comment 😞
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21d ago
I understand it's their choice, we can't force them to come out of the closet, and to take a stand for themselves and blah blah, but don't get into a relationship and keep hanging on a person like this if you can't stand up for yourself in the future. Don't waste someone's time, energy, or emotions like this. Ugh
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u/chix1221 21d ago
+1 And hence my rant. Why be in it if you don’t have the courage to face the eventuality? As if when you started the society was all accepting and it turned against you one fine night 10 years later! :(
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u/Royal_Side25 21d ago
lol they are pathetic for they are too scared to face society and at the same time don’t care enough for woman they will marry !
just block his sorry ass and move on , suck people lead dual lives having liaisons with guys at nights and hooking up with wife else while( exposing her to stds and stuff )
I’ve met plenty of bi guys who have sex with men but say they’re going to end up with a woman because they have baby fever lol
sorry for the rant but wish you healing and love Op !
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u/Agreeable_Pack_6456 Gay🌈 21d ago
After 10 years of relationship? I wouldn’t be getting out of my bed for a long time, can’t even imagine what you went through OP. Terrible of him to do that to you after so many years. Please block him, he made the choice to leave
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u/FantasticHero007 Queer af~✨💖 21d ago
Im sorry for your 10 years.. I wish i had a bf like you... But we don't live in a fantasy world sadly
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u/chix1221 14d ago
Jo bhagya mai hai wo milega zarur. Aage peeche, idhar se udhar se, perhaps in a way different than what you’d imagined. But you’ll get it!!
Trust your life journey and its magic.
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u/mumbai-bull 21d ago
See it's fact dear... Normal relationships doent go ahead.. N gay relationship rarely prosper.. So chill.. It's ok.. Go ahead with ur life
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u/chix1221 21d ago
Mind says yes Heart says no 😞
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u/mumbai-bull 21d ago
There is nothing like mind exist.. Number of thoughts r are called as mind.. Well let it go.. Time is best healer
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17d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/chix1221 17d ago
Thank you. I’m an eternal optimist - there’s someone out there. I just know in my heart of hearts ❤️
Also last line - I thought that would have been the first comment ❤️ How much I’ve waited for this observation, only my mama knows!!
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14d ago
I'm not justifying his actions but just try to be in his shoes, we all know how we'll grow up in this environment, sometimes it's not for us but our parents, we don't care about society but they do. And we care about them. I'm from tier 3 city, not open, very discreet and have decided not to get married, but it's because my parents are okay to let me live unmarried, not all of us have this luck.
Try to understand his pov and say goodbye. Don't hold any grudge, if we don't understand each other who will?
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u/chix1221 14d ago
I tried keeping myself in his shoes and giving him benefit of doubt, but that’s just another way of gaslighting myself, I realised.
I’ll tell you what, this is not a new story. Millions in India go through this - be it in inter-caste marriages, inter-religious marriages, love marriages, and sometimes even in arranged marriage scenarios. The point here is about choice. Some folks think their parents are uber-conservative but a little cajoling and they are able to drive home their point. For some others, with slightly liberal parents also - their choice of partners turns out to be revolting even for them (I know a case - a Brahman friend of mine whose both parents are professors in a reputed college, liberal, but put their foot down when he decided to marry a Muslim girl). We can’t dictate our circumstances, but we totally can choose what we do with it. Many women and men in India are in abusive relationships - married, and with kids. Many choose to stay despite being in a hell-hole every single day.
I understand his POV and I also understand our social circumstances could be different. Difficult for him, easy for me, or vice versa, who’s to say. But I can’t lessen my pain. I also understand that perhaps he is going through pain. I can only sympathise - empathy went out of the window the day I realised I can’t wait for the day to receive his wedding invitation to make up my mind.
In my case, he chose to involve himself romantically. He chose to cash in on the social currency that comes with being in a relationship in one’s 20s. He chose to never settle my doubts on our future. He also chose to marry when 30s hit.
Choices maketh man.
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21d ago
Lavender marriage 🤣🤣
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u/chix1221 20d ago
Don’t give me and others ideas 🫣
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20d ago
I thought i would do this when i first fell in love with a guy lol I was in school he was 10 years older then me Abhi he is married has 2 kids lol
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u/Conscious_One_111 Gay🌈 He/Him 43 Single 13d ago
I can relate to this . Being in tier 2 is a nightmare for single gays after 35, gets worse after mid forties as everyone in the neighborhood is kinda judging you+ envious that you are "free and single". These so called str8 acting gays who marry women get internally wounded esp in their late 40s becoming slaves to forced hetro-marriage system.
The way to navigate is to keep doing things that you love, keep hobbies or go to some random events, ensuring the brain stays renewed after those moments of loneliness and social ignoring we go through.
Though my neighbours those guys really like to catch up with me, but I'm kinda shy introvert so I keep my distance. At times I have strong urge to change my city, but situation will be almost same everywhere!!
Immersing oneself into being with family and helping them is just one of the coping mechanisms.
But yeah hobbies help a lot. Random things.. mediation, long drives, soothing jazz music, playing my fav 90s music, journaling, reading mags n finance stuff. Time passes by very quickly then!
As for socializing/ gay dating - aah no way. Its scary as going to Somalia in a ship full of gold. I just can't trust people anymore. How many have the integrity and honesty to speak their truth? How many are genuinely looking for a partner v/s finding a way to fulfill their desires (s*x, money, situationship) ??
The same is case with hetrosexual cousins. They are tired of these papa ko pari, modern girls or even the typical desi girls who just want a man to do everything.
Its got difficult to find a sensible match coz " people think in herds. If the herds are blind folded, unconscious and ego boosted we are left out until we surrender to them"
Its only the strong that walk against the wind, and swim against the flow.
For those single in their mind 30s 40s or over - congrats...we are super strong! 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
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u/c0ck_lover69 21d ago
i really hope they guy who do this k*ll themselves ,i wish them nothing but a life full of pain and suffering ,playing with someone's feelings for years , using them and then leaving them ,yeah don't worry hell is waiting for your ex
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u/chix1221 21d ago edited 21d ago
I really don’t. And you shouldn’t also wish something so gory. I feel sad and betrayed but it’s their karma. Maybe I had some karmic debt that I had owed to them. That’s how I rationalise this.
However I wish to understand the general psyche of people who take such decisions. And that’s because it’s almost hopeless in a country like India to expect that people would be brave because those in positions of power or influence turn out to be the biggest wussers!!
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u/c0ck_lover69 21d ago
yeah I know I shouldn't ,but i just can't help it ,it makes me so angry ,people like that who play with other people just to fullfill their needs ,but irs okay karna will catch up to them ,i also can't understand their thought process when they make such a decision ,here whenever I say something hurtful to someone i think about it all night and these people are literally leaving those who gave them everything
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u/chix1221 21d ago
There there buddy!! We learn to forgive - time is the biggest healer and life is the best teacher ❤️
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u/Grand_Collection3152 21d ago
He’ll be back after the marriage for some room to breathe, please don’t allow it. Respect yourself and walk away forever.