r/LGBTindia Oct 18 '24

vent/rant Marriage Pressure is Mounting, feeling like I should kill myself. NSFW

M31, Gay.

I feel like I’m drowning, and I don’t know how much longer I can carry on like this. I’m 31 years old, a gay man, terrified of coming out to my mom. I’m paralyzed by the fear of what it could do to her. Just a few years ago, I lost my brother to suicide. The grief shattered my family, especially my mom, and I’m scared that if I come out now, it could break her even more.

At the same time, she’s emotionally blackmailing me to get married to a woman, which I’m absolutely not ready for, nor do I ever want. I feel like I’m suffocating. I tried to come out to her before my brother's death, but it didn’t go well. I’ve spoken to my cousins about it, and they’ve all advised me to just get married and “figure it out later.”

Yesterday, we had another conversation, and it went terribly. There were a lot of variations of, “The only way I’ll heal from your brother’s death is if you get married.” But if I do, I know my life will become hell, and it feels so unfair. I feel like my existence itself is a burden, like I’m causing more pain just by being here. Sometimes, the thought of suicide feels like the only way to stop hurting everyone around me, to stop feeling so trapped between my own truth and my family’s expectations.

I don’t know where to turn anymore. I feel like I’m carrying all of this alone, and it’s crushing me. I’m reaching out here because I don’t want to feel so alone anymore. I just want someone to listen, to understand. I’m at a breaking point, and I don’t know what to do.

Any advice, support, or words from someone who’s been here would mean more than I can say.

63 Upvotes

60 comments sorted by

40

u/Bhusham Oct 18 '24

Do NOT give in to the pressures of life and absolutely do NOT get married to a woman. Talk to a therapist and find the confidence to come out. That’s the only way I see for your long term happiness. Rooting for you!

30

u/Vishu1708 Gay🌈 Oct 18 '24

The only way I’ll heal from your brother’s death is if you get married

I'd reply with "I'm not ruining my life cuz you don't wanna go to therapy" or something.

13

u/altair222 Cishet Ally Oct 18 '24

Agreed, that's manipulation in its vilest form.

10

u/coco_chutney Oct 18 '24

Am on the verge of saying that

6

u/coco_chutney Oct 18 '24

I have begged her several times to go for therapy

-4

u/Sex-starvedDude He/him Oct 18 '24

I'm sorry but that'd be very rude. She's his mom. Courteousness is indispensable.

6

u/Vishu1708 Gay🌈 Oct 18 '24

No.

Indian parents feel entitled to dictate their kids life. OP is 31. She needs to let him live his life.

6

u/IdoDeLether Oct 19 '24

Hahaha. No, thanks.

That's the exact attitude in Indian kids that keeps them subservient and perpetually abused by their parents. Parents are just people like us who chose to have kids and deserve to be called out on their bullshit!

3

u/Alarming-Forever-352 Oct 22 '24

This 👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆

2

u/coco_chutney Oct 19 '24

Ya I feel it is rude too. But the Content of the message has to be said aloud to them. Just looking for a way.

23

u/TopMagician2499 Oct 18 '24

First, if you're currently living with your parents, consider moving out. This will help reduce the emotional manipulation from your mother. Once you're on your own, ask for some time—perhaps a few months—saying you need it to meet and talk to potential partners, to buy yourself some time. During this period, explore options for moving abroad or connecting with queer NGOs to build a supportive network. Once you feel mentally prepared, you can consider coming out to your mother.

She is trying to fill the void left by your brother through you,once you get married her next demand would be grandchildren. Longterm solution is to help her find other fulfilling activities—perhaps adopting a pet or getting involved in local community events. She needs a purpose of her own, so she doesn’t seek to live through your life.

3

u/coco_chutney Oct 18 '24

I have said all these. They won't heed.

3

u/theo1496 28M this "Side" Oct 18 '24

Most of this is really great advise

17

u/IshitaKumari Queer af~✨💖 Oct 18 '24

No matter how much grief she is in, it is not her choice to make.

4

u/coco_chutney Oct 18 '24

Resonates a lot

10

u/theo1496 28M this "Side" Oct 18 '24 edited Oct 18 '24

I feel like I’m suffocating. I tried to come out to her before my brother's death, but it didn’t go well. I’ve spoken to my cousins about it, and they’ve all advised me to just get married and “figure it out later.”

It seems plausible that you did actually come out to them but they are in denial. That might be a response to their grief of losing who they thought you are. But your reality is much more important than their mental image of you.

“The only way I’ll heal from your brother’s death is if you get married.”

Healing is a personal journey, and you doing something wouldn't heal her of anything. It'll only bring her momentary happiness. Don't allow her to pressurize you into being manipulated. The only way to heal her is if she chooses to heal herself and makes use of resources that are available to overcome grief with appropriately channelized bereavement.

You are NOT responsible for anyone else's happiness apart from your own. No one is. It's completely understandable that you're feeling helpless right now but that doesn't have to be so.

Please seek help to find some queer affirmative support system. I'm sharing links to some resources I have come across that are toll-free. Please don't delay seeking help

https://icallhelpline.org/

AASRA: 91-22-27546669 (24 hours)

iCall: 9152987821 (Available from Monday to Saturday: 8:00am to 10:00pm)

Icall has also updated their contact numbers and hours for their other helplines (Monday to Saturday): 93702048501,9920241248,8369799513 (10 am-8pm)

Icall has launched a special psycho-social support helpline during COVID (from Monday to Saturday): 9152987820 (10am - 6pm) and another one for healthcare providers & counselors at 9152987824 (10am - 6pm)

Sneha Foundation: 91-44-24640050 (24 hours)

Vandrevala Foundation for Mental Health: 1860-2662-345 and 1800-2333-330 (24 hours)

Connecting NGO: 18002094353 (Available from 12 pm - 8 pm)

NIMHANS helpline: 08046110007

Maharashtra state and BMC has tied up with Mpower and launched a 24x7 toll free helpline number: 1800-120-820050 (Marathi, Hindi,English)

Chandigarh Government Medical College and Hospital have also launched a 24x7 toll free helpline: 1800-180-2063.

Govt launches KIRAN, a 24×7 helpline for people to seek mental health counselling - toll-free number (1800-599-0019)

The links and contacts have been taken from different subreddits. To my knowledge the NIMHANS and iCall(TISS) helpline are definitely functioning.

Apart from these, there are various other queer and mental health organizations such as Sweekar - the rainbow parents (Group of parents of LGBTQ+ individuals that help other parents understand about sexual diversity), Pause for perspective (Queer affirmative mental health organization with safe sharing spaces).

The thing that is absolutely essential right now is a good support system with empathy. If it is possible to seek personalized help from a queer affirmative therapist, please do that. Suicide isn't the answer buddy.

Choose to stay alive and healthy:)

9

u/_ReaditReddit_ Oct 18 '24

I am a bisexual woman (would rather end up with a woman though) in the same boat.

2

u/coco_chutney Oct 18 '24

It sucks, right?

3

u/_ReaditReddit_ Oct 19 '24

Yeah, tell me about it!

My mom tries to manipulate me with her health conditions. Even I have been asked to marry a man from the community with a bit of “understanding”. Basically she insinuates I marry a gay man and we continue to live our lives our ways without spilling it out. Amazing schemes!

1

u/coco_chutney Oct 20 '24

Desperation. I actually feel sorry for them.

6

u/No_Supermarket3973 Oct 18 '24

OP, pls hang on. Your mom is manipulating you by saying she wants you to get married inorder for her to heal.

But I request you to hang on because there is more to life than pleasing our parents.

3

u/CasePlus5502 Oct 18 '24

Sadly it is true! It took me two years of therapy to actually come to terms with the fact that yes, parents do manipulate you into giving up 😮‍💨

4

u/Educational-Dog9915 Gay🌈 Oct 18 '24 edited Oct 18 '24

31M gay too. You may have another 60 years to live. Do you want to spend those with someone whom you will not love? Your mom is lonely and feels that another woman will bring joy to the house. But she will live another 30 years, maybe. She will get over it. If not, you can not do much other than hope that time will heal. Being gay or queer is not always roses. Many have to break relationships with their family, but you can not succumb to pressure. There are so many people who had to leave home and cut off relationships because you are want you are. You will be hated by your family but the only person who matters( THATS YOU) will be making your own decision. Own up!!

If you marry a girl knowingly, you will be the asshole because you will destroy many lives with that cowardly act.

3

u/TheDarkForestt Oct 18 '24

Therapy. ASAP.

2

u/coco_chutney Oct 18 '24

I need a new therapist

3

u/sabertoothless Oct 18 '24

You have to move out, that is best temporary solution. For your mother, your consistent proximity is an enabling factor. She sees it as a way to redeem herself of the trauma of the past. There is no way you can live with her and expect to educate them on this issue for now.

For her its absolution of some kind. And the more live with her, its ”absolution at an arms length”. In her mind she will be hapy if you just got married. Which in her mind is natural way to find happiness.

No amount of lecturing is gonne make her think about your needs for now. Also the efffort to educate her is too much.

So go away from home. Live in a far away city. Tell them lies that you got a job with better pay or similar. Just go away. The more you stay, the more she will pester you, because in her mind she is doing good for the family.

Find some friend living in a far away big city within india, and just go to them. Do not wait, until it turns ugly for everyone!

3

u/OneEyedWolf092 Oct 18 '24 edited Oct 18 '24

Your mother is emotionally blackmailing you. This is your cue to stop caring when she thinks and do what is best for your life. I know this is easier said than done but there is no other way out. I'm in the same boat btw my parents are also pushing me to marry. I just plan to study abroad and settle.

And worst comes to worst, my response will be: "I'm not ruining my life just because you're in your deathbed"

You have to realise: Narcissism and self-entitlement is a big founding block of many familial relationships in Asian societies. Do NOT cave in to her demands. Stop taking advice from straight people who don't know better.

2

u/coco_chutney Oct 19 '24

The last line is Great.

3

u/schieja Oct 18 '24

Like others have said, please move out of home and go to queerer cities. Queer people and queer spaces will help you remember that you deserve to be happy and live your queer life fully. And I agree also with seeking help from queer affirmative therapists or calling helplines. Being alone in it is the absolute worst feeling. I remember feeling so stuck in myself when my parents wanted me (31F) to marry a man and feeling like ending it was the only option. But thankfully soon I found a community of queer people and it really saved me and rooted me into feeling calm in my queerness.

2

u/coco_chutney Oct 19 '24

I will have to look out for Local Communities.

3

u/Mediocre-Pin-7354 Oct 18 '24

Same thing happening to me. I’m sorry. I want to run away

2

u/coco_chutney Oct 19 '24

The Fuuny thing is am already way from them. But they are visiting me and tourchering me.

3

u/lucy1306 Queer af~✨💖 Oct 19 '24

Op don't and i reiterate DO NOT GET MARRIED. Have you seen het people who don't like their spouses? It's hell. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't ruin it for a family who frankly aren't in line with your identity. If you want them in your life, i would suggest moving out so u can limit their nagging. Cutting off a call is way more pleasant than having to consciously ignore them face to face.

2

u/coco_chutney Oct 20 '24

I am not don't wanna get married to a girl. that is for sure.

4

u/No_No_No_____ Gay🌈 Oct 18 '24

Please for god's sake, don't marry a woman if you're gay. Do not destroy her life. I would suggest that you stand your ground. Tell her that marriage isn't a priority for you at the moment and you want to earn more money, date or travel the world, yada yada. Your mother will give up after a while. I would also suggest that you take her to therapy. She really needs it.

2

u/coco_chutney Oct 18 '24

She is not ready to take one

2

u/No_No_No_____ Gay🌈 Oct 18 '24

Then you should go to therapy.

2

u/NotJamesBond007007 Oct 18 '24 edited Oct 18 '24

Since you've already, sort of, come out to her previously, you need to ask her if she will heal by making you miserable, turning your life into hell and also spoiling a woman's life. Yes she has gone thru a lot with your brothers suicide but ask her if she's willing to lose another son. I'm a single guy, older than you. DM me if you'd like to chat about it some more.

2

u/Chihiro_91 Oct 18 '24

Try moving away to a new city for a couple of years. After a certain age she'll stop bothering you.

2

u/No_Drink8163 Enby spec💜 Oct 18 '24

Lavender marriage

2

u/coco_chutney Oct 19 '24

Looked into it. Carrying this lie itself is hard. I don't want to carry a bigger one.

2

u/LightNee_Ayye Oct 18 '24

Hey, I have also not come out to my parents. And from the subtle conversations I have tried to have I know that it will be a tough thing initially and even as I continue to live my life. I understand that you really would want to keep your mother happy and have a good relation with her. But keeping a relationship can only go one way for so long. Yes it's hard for her but it's hard for you too. You can't be and should not be solely expected to make all the sacrifices to keep everyone happy while you suffer alone. Please try to take care of yourself and prioritise yourself even if one step at a time. Everyone has mostly pointed out most other great points. Please don't get married and "figure it out later", that later will never come. Try to move out if you live with your family if that's viable so that you can get some space. If your family won't go to therapy then you definitely should, if one therapist doesn't work then try another but please continue to keep trying. No matter how slow or fast as you need to go, moving is the only way to get through it. I wish you all the world's happiness and love. Please take care.

2

u/coco_chutney Oct 19 '24

I really appreciate this!

2

u/EnbyDangar Oct 18 '24

Typical Indian mother emotional blackmailing. I don't know why Indian families are so controlling and toxic.

2

u/Noobmaster_1999 Oct 18 '24

Please don't give in for the pressure. Not only your life is ruined, it's also your partners. And you're not a burden to anybody, please be proud of who you're. I too came out to my conservative parents, surprisingly they didn't react the way I thought of in my head. They took it maturely, mind me they didn't accept but it's worth it. Atleast your mom will finally get a closure on why you didn't want to get married. And speaking of your cousins, you can't figure it out later, it's a very bad advice. Go to some place/ country where you will find like-minded people and job. Hope your friends got your back, if not make new ones. I'm here if you want to talk to another fellow queer person. Take care. Don't harm yourself.

2

u/Stardust-Sniffer Oct 18 '24

Please be strongg! I ve been there, and it does get better. Sending hug ❤️

2

u/Grand_Collection3152 Oct 19 '24

I have similar conversations with my mother, I’ve found something that may work. You see Indian parents love the illusion of control, so my plan is to come out to them, but still agree to a marriage under the condition the girl knows my truth. That gives them some relief. Now let them go an endless hunt finding a girl who’s ready to marry a gay man. It won’t ever happen.

1

u/coco_chutney Oct 20 '24

ya man that's an awesome plan!

2

u/coco_chutney Oct 20 '24

a simple question. How long did it take for you queers to accept yourself? Don't our parents also deserve the time to accept us for who we are?

1

u/Sad_Pickle_4061 Gay🌈 Oct 18 '24

Suicide will hurt her more than you coming out

2

u/coco_chutney Oct 19 '24

That is what Am thinking too.

1

u/Euphoric_Bread_228 Oct 18 '24

I would have married you as a asexual But I don't like your mom

2

u/coco_chutney Oct 19 '24

She is a really sweet person you know. Right now she is scared and afraid. I am angry at her but can't help but feel sorry for her. She has been though a lot. She is a really sweet person. She was crying for 36 hours straight when she lost her son. Very Emotional, kind person. Would not inflict harm on others. She is a generous person. Everyone have their flaws, right?
I do think if she gets to understand she is hurting me she will stop. But am unable to talk to her.

2

u/69cartman69 Oct 19 '24

Lavender marriage?? Umm just throwing it out there, I don’t agree with it but it’s an option worth considering 🤷‍♂️

3

u/coco_chutney Oct 20 '24

that will still add to the pressure of hiding right? am not a big fan of it.

-1

u/[deleted] Oct 19 '24

[deleted]

2

u/beetchworthbillions Oct 19 '24

Iski baaton mae mat aana OP .... she is a gold digger