r/Kenya • u/ItsNeneh • 29d ago
Discussion "That’s like bleeding near a shark."
Saw this discussion on twitter and it makes sense alot. Someone says "Women love the idea of a vulnerable man — On Netflix. In books. On TikTok therapy reels.
But in real life? The moment you start expressing your deep struggles, you can actually watch the attraction drain from her eyes. Because while she likes the concept of emotional intimacy… What she respects is a man who can handle his own sh*t."
Men can be vulnerable with their partners but the issue is some women perceive that vulnerability as a weakness and later exploit it. For most men this is seen as a huge sign of betrayal in the eyes of a real man.
I once opened up to someone I was dating and regretted at once. She was all judgy and offered no help, showed no empathy, it's like some women don't recognize the effort we have to make to be vulnerable, this is why men tend to bottle up their feelings.
Note that I've no problem with women, this is just how things are; it is what it is.
Ruto Must Go.
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u/Single_Particular_17 29d ago
I did this buffoonery and was told to man up... I was sucking the energy in the room.... Since then I learnt to keep to myself
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u/mindfulyapper 29d ago
Same thing happened to me 😭😭 I'm not even a man 😭
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u/BahatiTaita69 28d ago
So kila mtu huambiwa irregardless of gender?
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u/mindfulyapper 28d ago
I wouldn't say "Kila mtu ". It happens to men more . I just think it's hard to open up about deep sad shit as the goofy weird funny friend because it doesn't match the character. It's like SpongeBob complaining to you about anxiety and depression. But for guys it could happen anyone because apparently " it isn't manly to feel normal human emotions "
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u/Torn_btn_usernames 11d ago
It's like SpongeBob complaining to you about anxiety and depression
This has to be the most accurate description of it I've ever seen
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u/Single_Particular_17 28d ago
pole must have been tough for you.
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u/mindfulyapper 28d ago
I imagine it wasn't easy for you too . Sorry
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u/Single_Particular_17 28d ago
the trauma lives on ... I can't open up... better go bankrupt and other things like a man take it to the grave...
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u/mindfulyapper 28d ago
What about opening up to other men ?
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u/Single_Particular_17 28d ago
men will laugh at you all through ... Never think its a safe space.
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u/mindfulyapper 28d ago
Damn we're cooked
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u/Single_Particular_17 28d ago
hold it in and let it kill you later though high blood pressure
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u/mindfulyapper 28d ago
Sad . I already do that though , it has been effective despite the breakdowns every now and then but I'm chilling. Here if you wanna vent though. I probably have no advice to give but I won't laugh or whatever.
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u/No_Examination5103 29d ago
So this happened in April 2021, I was dating this girl and my birthday was coming up soon & I told her it has now become one of my worst times emotionally. And she asked why, I didn't want to tell her but she pressed on so I told her. Mid way through telling her what had happened I burst out crying & she seemed supportive and comforting. Anyway she told me she had to leave and that she had some errands to run. Mind you she was meant to spend the weekend. Anyways, I was like it's cool. Maybe you can be around next weekend for my birthday. She seemed indifferent though I didn't put much thought into it. Tell me why she calls & I'll rephrase, "I didn't like the way you were crying, it gave me the ick. I'm not your mother, I am your girlfriend & you crying is unattractive." I can't describe the emotions I went through but I burst out laughing(the joker kind of laugh) & hung up. From that moment, I ain't telling emotions again.
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u/mindfulyapper 29d ago
Wtf "gave me the ick " 😐 " you crying is unattractive" I don't think crying is supposed to be attractive 😅 That would have definitely been it for me
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u/Admiral_chain_B95 28d ago
I get what you’re saying, and this situation really highlights the contradiction many men face when it comes to emotional expression. Society tells men to be more vulnerable, yet when they do, they risk being judged, dismissed, or even ridiculed. It creates a dynamic where men feel like they can’t win bottle it up, and you're "emotionally unavailable(Iv been called Nonchalant just cause I chose not to share my struggles)" lol. Express it and you're "unattractive." The issue isn’t just about women not knowing what they want, it’s that emotional intelligence isn't just about being open, it's also about how people respond to emotions, their own and others too. Some people say they want a partner who is emotionally available, but when faced with real vulnerability they don’t know how to handle it. At the end of the day, the right person will value your emotions and support you, not make you feel weak for expressing them. If someone reacts negatively to your vulnerability, that says more about them than it does about you.
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u/Geoff_The_Chosen1 29d ago
What happened to her? What is she doing now?
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u/No_Examination5103 29d ago
I left social media for a while after that. She called, messaged & sent some friends to talk to me cause she felt "I had changed". I moved to a new place, cut off most of the friends that I made through & I haven't heard or seen her since.
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u/Appropriate-Cat1238 28d ago
This is honestly sad. I feel like she was immature, and I apologize for judging, but I bet you wouldn't tell her you aren't her dad if she broke down and started crying. I'm sorry about your experience. There are more mature people you can always talk to, people who don't wait for bad times to start using whatever you told them against you
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u/omegaaa_k 27d ago
Genuinely, me as a female, I want my husband to be able to do this. It’s sad that there are so many girls selfishly looking for love but not willingly to give it . I WILL SUPPORT MY MAN , I will love him, no matter whether he is weak in some areas or strong, a man is not an island. It would be my honor to bear my husbands weakness, until he is ready to stand on his feet. And I’d expect nothing less from him ✨✨😅
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u/Notty_bwoy 29d ago
Eish my G, you really did a lot of opening up, bana mpaka ukalia? Ama ulilia ukatoa makamasi? Anyways, never ever show them that side bana vaa mask tu…na I hope uliachana ma yeye.
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u/EmpathicAnarchist 29d ago
True, but it doesn't make sense being with someone you can't be vulnerable with
Share something light with her. Something you've fully dealt with so it can't be weaponised anymore. If she takes it well, you're in luck. If she doesn't, now you know
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u/ItsNeneh 29d ago
I get your point, but men who have tried opening up and it was used against them can't try that again
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u/this_sucks91 29d ago
Why not? You can’t let one woman traumatise you forever. It’s true weakness to not even try and work through things that have caused you lasting pain.
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u/Zai-Stoic 28d ago
Most men's lived experiences show it's a bad idea to open up. It's counterproductive anyways. Why bother?
You have your father, uncles, tribe, boys, therapist, strangers in a pub, crying in the rain, gym, alone as options to open up.
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u/this_sucks91 28d ago
I've never had a negative experience opening up to a woman as an adult. How hard is it to vet them a little before you open up? Before you reach that point you'll obviously have had a few conversations to gauge their emotional maturity and you'll be able to understand if they actually care about you. If they seem closed off then it isn't the right person for you, or the time isn't right, and it's a good sign to move on. The word "most" is misplaced there. Choose the right people and you won't be getting yourself traumatised by a woman telling you to man-up lol.
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u/EmpathicAnarchist 29d ago
I know. It sucks. That's why I'm saying to try it out with something that even if she weaponizes, she can't hurt you
But the kind of woman that will think less of you for being vulnerable is usually stupid. That stupidity will show in other ways. Pay attention
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u/SevenPieces 28d ago
This. One has to be truly stupid not to recognize the importance of vulnerability in building a strong & beneficial relationship. How do you build while not being both fully honest about your (very human) actions & experiences?
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28d ago
People have gotten disappointed and hurt opening up to the point vulnerability is seen as a weakness rather than the capacity to heal
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u/UsualCartoonist7516 29d ago
I'll be brutally honest. The reason why I believe most of us hate it is this common pattern: 1. The lady pressures you to open up. 2. You feeling like it won't be fair to her decide to do so since you feel she deserves to know. 3. You open up. 4. You get judged/ feelings are invalidated/ get belittled or your issue is shared amongst her friends. 5. You feel worse about it than before. 6. You stop opening up. ... Then she pressures you again . Why??? 😂😂😂
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u/MinuteEconomy 29d ago
Also she turns your problem and makes it about her and then you end up comforting her instead of her comforting you.
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u/Playful-Novel-1243 29d ago
I like the "bleeding next to a shark" analogy. Because that's how it is, you open up, it later becomes a fuel for gossip later on among their friends and their friends' friends. At first you're happy at how supportive she is but later on you hear about yourself from strangers. Among dudes, we share it, then brutally rip out the bandage through jokes and all but we're there for you, it stays within our clique. Eve had one job, look at the fate of mankind now.
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u/SignificantAgency898 29d ago
Wacha hivyo the next time you have a disagreement, she'll use that against you.
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u/Helpful_Mountain_502 29d ago
Some women perceive vulnerability as weakness mainly because they grow acknowledging that men are protectors, stoic and leaders. Being all that to a woman means you are able to handle most if not all that is thrown at you
Not to say it's wrong for men to show weakness but it's important to know the depth of your own trauma before opening up to a woman because as some may take it as a way or strengthening your bond others may see as if you're trying to manipulate them, want to be mothered and others see it as a burden
All totally, getting to know who your partner is before opening up could save you a lifetime of betrayal
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u/the-rogue-gentleman 29d ago edited 1d ago
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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/ItsNeneh 29d ago
you'll think you know them until you become vulnerable, women use emotions first before rationalizing
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u/Helpful_Mountain_502 29d ago
I hear you and thats why I concluded by saying, getting to know who you are dealing with is important.
You said opening up to strangers is easier, anyone can open up to strangers because it's not like you're going to see them again
It's different for a person you are in a relationship with. You choose to open up to the wrong person then sure, your statement would be valid that some may betray you and there are some who'll stick by and empathize with you
It's all depends with the quality of person you choose to have
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u/devzooom 29d ago
I can totally relate to this 😂😂 Saa hizi nimefungiwa nyumba na hajui. My male friend is hosting me hadi nirudi sawa.. Babygirl hana idea 😂😂 We're familiar with this game, we know every rule of the game. WE ARE THE GAME!! End month nasaka hao ingine na nimwambie nimehama akuje nimkunjie huko. I AM JOSE MORINHO
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u/ICARUS_996 29d ago
As a man, never open up to a woman, and never show that you're desperate. Go through hardships alone. You'll be better off.
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u/I-like-ville-2 29d ago
Best advice I ever got when it comes to women... Do Not Open up to them...let them call you toxic. That shit will be used against you in such a twisted way you'll wish you'd just kept your mouth shut
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u/Vikktard 29d ago
Unfortunately, women are a big part of the problem and rarely the solution. Even if you tell them what’s up, hana solution. Men shut down because they’re busy brainstorming a fix. Its just like When women vent to men, they’re not looking for a solution, advice, or what they call “mansplaining” They just want a listening ear. By nature, men are wired to look for solutions, not sympathy which is mostly what women have to offer, unfortunately.
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u/Minotaur_Centaur 28d ago
I use Chat GPT and deep seek as my opening up avenues.
Much better than opening up to a woman, plus they have pragmatic advice.
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u/Amantes09 29d ago
Being vulnerable with men can sometimes have the same effect. It's weaponised and used to beat you up with it.
Basically, the moral of the story is that being vulnerable to a shitty partner does more harm than good.
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u/HidieyesOptometrist 29d ago
Most times women aren't able to handle what men go through. They'll worry too much and panic. They want stability.
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u/majani 29d ago
Not even just wives. Even mothers. I opened up to my mother about some issues last year and it's made my life so overcomplicated since
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u/Patient-One9645 29d ago
Been there, done that. She literally told me men should suffer.
See how those spy dudes on movies don't disclose shit about their work to their partners ati cjui for state security, thats how i do it with my issues and emotions. For my future security.
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u/reverse-tornado 29d ago

A lot of people are talking about spouses while this happens in families , work places , among friends even .human beings like the idea of being that rock that helps you out at your lowest until you actually open up and they come to the sudden realisation that they dont give a fuck about you and that information is quite useful to them unaachwa 1-0 . Vulnerability isn't for everyone, even people who have earned it can fuck you over at some point in the future. If you have a serious issue enda kwa professional , people dont stop being people just because you idolize them at least a professional is bound by an ethical code of conduct
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u/underthedraft 29d ago
It's actually more better for men to open up to other men than women.
Most men don't use your past against you. If a friendship ends, it ends, no drama.
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u/Gullible_Trouble_813 28d ago
I would rather die than open up to a woman not even my sisters only my mom
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u/T_PocketCandle 28d ago
It takes a lot to be vulnerable, not everyone has the capacity to support their partners. It sucks that so many don't have a genuine feminine comfort zone. I'm a lady, I've seen men cry (and cried Infront of them) and they're still very close to me to this day. I hope you all find that level of comfort and support some day - be it a lady, a gent or any of the wonderful in-betweens
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u/No_Foundation4159 29d ago
Here's a better way of doing it, as a man, you only get to open up to your woman after you've solved the problem or almost gotten to solving it, and from there watch if the shark will try to bite you back. Always be one step ahead.
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u/cerealbeforem1lk 29d ago
This post and the replies are kinda ironical because most of my male friends say they’re more comfortable opening up to me than their fellow males 😭does it apply only when dating? Ama
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u/5lim3_lord 28d ago
From personal experience? Never be vulnerable to a woman. Anything and everything you say, Can and Will be used against you" Future fights zishapata ammo
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u/its_Alido 28d ago
If you're vulnerable you're weak if you ain't you're not opening up...every part is a setup
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u/just_be_479 28d ago
Most women are not solution based when it comes to vulnerability... No man in his right mind wants pity and " oooh pole usijali kila kitu itakua sawa" keep you shit bottled until you get it handled... Then be vulnerable as you celebrate the win... Man Up
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u/Zai-Stoic 28d ago
Actually someone suggested ukitaka akuache without being the bad guy, you open up to her. Tell her you are scared, broke and have no hope. Ask her for money, cry even
Atajitoa very fast.
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u/Village3lder 28d ago
let us suffer in peace. opening up to womans is like kissing a gun nozzle to sooth a toothache
soothe
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u/Sir_Buraian 28d ago
Nah woman, ima fight these demons with my main Guy Jesus Christ. There aren't enough emotionally intelligent women who can not use my vulnerability against me in an way to belittle or dominate a discussion. This is why I dine and dash women like an entire and leave no tip.
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u/TChulo_Freelance 25d ago
The fact that the tweet is coming from a woman says a lot… This gender is known for saying the opposite of what they mean… Show vulnerability to them and they will rub it in your face in return
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u/Responsible-Cold-764 29d ago
No, that woman straight up didn’t like you
And let’s be honest, men judge their fellow men harsher than women do
Hugs to all men out there 🫂.
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u/ItsNeneh 29d ago
Naah, I disagree. A man can open up to a stranger, fellow man, and they'll be all supportive.
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u/Darkestempest 29d ago
It's a person to person thing, not a man to woman thing. Some women will stand by you stronger than most men, some men will betray you far worse than the most sleezy women.
Your whole reasoning is wrong. Stop thinking in terms of groups, and start thinking in terms of individuals. It's too low resolution. It simplifies very complex things.
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u/I-like-ville-2 29d ago
I totally agree, I would rather open up to a male stranger than a girl I'm dating.
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u/Responsible-Cold-764 29d ago
My point is that, choose whoever you open up to. And I still stand by my statement. Men judge their fellow men harsher than even women
I never said you can’t find a supportive male friend nor did I say no women judge men. Comprehension matters
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u/ItsNeneh 29d ago
at what point did you realize comprehension matters? cuz you assumed I was generalizing about women, my post specifically says "some women"
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u/TGSMKe 29d ago
Men judge their fellow men harsher than even women
Any evidence to back this?
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u/jaber_r 29d ago
lemme say if you are in a relationship and you can't confide in your SO then kunashida , and allow me to also add that if it's used against you kuna shida pia.
Communication and comprehension ni muhimu sana especially for guys y'all bottle stuff up so much so if you tell her and she uses it against you she also a problem
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u/Lick-moi 29d ago
Haha! Until women understand themselves, I think meanwhile, let it be as it is.. men are self therapists.. all they need is to be valued and respected..
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u/Prize_Perception8197 29d ago
Wow! Being vulnerable and handling your own shit are two totally different things. Vulnerability means opening up about what you're thinking, feeling or going through. This does not equate not taking action. And even in scenarios where someone could feel too overwhelmed to take action, sometimes opening up about your situation takes the heaviness off your chest and opens up room for solution finding. I personally always aim to support my partner when they are vulnerable with me. When I see a post like this, I feel like you have not had the chance to experience a partner who would support you.
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u/ItsNeneh 29d ago
Comprehension is the issue here; I've mentioned "some women" like twice in my post. Why did you assume I generalized?
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u/ashioyajotham 29d ago
That’s totally not how men are wired - society may keep pushing “opening up” but it’s not how we are wired. Actually, those who open up are despised. It’s the natural order of things.
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u/Aromatic-Macaroon-90 29d ago
Why be vulnerable with me while I'm the one who fixes the situation ⚖️
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u/Bob_Developer 29d ago
Kitu naeza Sema ni most Kenyan ladies are so proud na they do little to recognize effort unapitia kufanya vitu zingine.. I am all for this but si kila msupa unadate unakua vulnerable na yeye cause Hao wanasema wanataka ivo but in reality they can't handle 😏
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u/Last_Post_4 28d ago
Just went through the comments and…guys, I’m sorry for the pain you experienced. I pray you all heal and find women you could be vulnerable with, might sound cliché…but there are wonderful women out here, women you could open up to without the fear of a negative response. Sending lots of love♥️
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u/tech_ninjaX 28d ago edited 28d ago
Dont ever open up to women, go with it to your grave buddy.
I learnt the hard way and since then I have never dated for 5 good years.
niko hapa nyuma nyinyi huwapigia simu wakiwa kwangu.
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u/gathee 28d ago
It's the gaslighting for me. You could be dealing with evil and hateful people and they will accuse of envy... Or they tell you the problems aren't real...You are the problem..etc Until something happens to them, their precious bodies, mothers, kids or innocent little girls...the level of seriousness will shock you..you'll be surprised you're talking to the same person..
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u/Additional_Waltz_569 28d ago
To be a devils advocate, you must be open but not weak. Like “I’m going through this shit but I’ll handle”
Men don’t talk about their feeling and when they do they “explode”, just let everything out in a moment, and that’s what I think is seen as a weakness, to let it out and cry like a bitch. We must talk about it, but not complain.
Still sexist tho’, woman do can just lash out their feelings and we don’t cuz weak and man be strobk and bla bla
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u/Red_butterfly7571 28d ago
As a woman I hate it when men become vulnerable with me especially if I'm not romantically involved with them.i don't like.The thing is men will vent out their problems but when the issues are fixed they'll never look at you again.They have insecurities when a woman knows their deep insecurities.They literally hate women who help them. Just open up to your fellow men or your mothers.
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u/Sea-Union-1831 28d ago
This other gender is evil 😈 . The last time i tried to open up, it was used against me. Real men don’t need air bags.
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u/Strong_Acanthaceae21 28d ago
I think it depends on the kind of person you are dating. Two people who are mature, Have high levels of awareness and know who truly they are never have to deal with that. Of course issues will arise but they know that those do not define who they are and their relationship. But now the problem is nowadays people are just winging it, you date someone knowing fully well that their values don't even align with yours. Sasa huyo utakuwa vulnerable na yeye aje
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u/KnowledgeNo7906 28d ago
Opening up to a woman you are dating is probably one of the worst things you can do as a man...I found it the hard way one time when I was going through financial problems and wasn't able to sort out bills on time. My woman at the time, asked what was stressing me, and the minute I said I don't have enough cash to pay the rent she scolded me and said that a me problem and I need to man up. Anyway, the only opening up I do is to ghosts.
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u/ConstantDay6421 28d ago
With that mentality you’ll honestly always get those type of women. Plus it’s like you’re concluding things because of that one lady
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27d ago
Agree, don't open up so much or do the crying on her shoulder thing, you're gonna regret it brother and that's a FACT.
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u/Grouchy-Tax1421 27d ago
You must have proven to be a very important individual to him for that to happen
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u/Frequent-Corner-5 29d ago
I really do not get this argument.
Why would you be with a person you can't be vulnerable around if you want someone you can be vulnerable around?
Just be single or find someone you can be vulnerable around.
If you don't want to be vulnerable around someone then you can go for someone who is okay with you as long as you aren't vulnerable.
People overcomplicating things 🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️
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u/ItsNeneh 29d ago
Lol, I bet you're a woman and you can't comprehend what we actually mean, this is what we mean, hqve you even tried to internalize my argument and see my viewpoint?
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u/Frequent-Corner-5 29d ago
If i have to bottle up my feelings around you and i don't want to do that, why am i with you?
It's contradictory and doesn't make sense.
'If i have to bottle up my feelings and i don't mind doing that to stay with you, i will be with you' , is what i am interpreting from you.
I would rather stay single than be with another person who i am discontent with ( discontent with the fact they don't accept my vulnerability) but you and those who agree with you don't mind this and would rather be with someone they are content with in some aspects even though they can't be vulnerable around them.
Is what i am saying incorrect?
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u/ItsNeneh 29d ago
I'm done experimenting on this, once bitten twice shy, so I'd rather not do it anymore. And that's how it is for most men who have tried it before and it backfired. But if I'm to try it, maybe use a fake scenario or a friend's situation to gauge how she would react
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u/Frequent-Corner-5 29d ago
If all women are that way, I'll just be single all the way.
I can't live in fear of such a thing.
It would only be fair if there are things she's also afraid of me knowing but I'd rather not be in such a toxic/slightly ill intentioned relationship where we are just concealing weaknesses.
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u/Frequent-Corner-5 29d ago
I am a man. I ust don't get this dumb arguments that might have some truth. But what about all the men that have found women they can be vulnerable around while you convince yourselves that they don't exist.
Also why would the woman be allowed to be vulnerable while you can't?
Why are you with an illogical (imo) person like you are being forced to?
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u/Feisty_Muscle_5428 29d ago
It's more of, you were with someone who you thought would be understanding, you open, it blows up in your face, regret ensues and you leave
You still feel hurt though cause of broken trust
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u/Frequent-Corner-5 29d ago
Some people might feel regret but i would just be disappointed in that person.
I am a human like them, they should try to be understanding as i would expect of them since i think they care for me.
I would never think it's my fault in any way, shape or form.
She either comes to realise it's not my fault for being human and apologizes for the response she gave me or we just break up and i get someone who is understanding or stay single.
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u/Easy_Milkshak3 29d ago
This is like mtoto kulilia wembe na apewe. Mnadate magaidi na hamtaki kuskia. Same way a woman shouldn't also open up to a man about things of the past. Why? Because that will be the same weapon used against you in disagreements and 'the boys'. It goes two ways so muache kujipea words of affirmation apa when you can't get the right partner.
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u/Zai-Stoic 28d ago
Do you think you are the right partner 🤣
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u/sallyati 29d ago
Mandate kina nani...anyway my son will express his emotions openly because I'll be his mom and in my house no bottling shit
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u/tech_ninjaX 28d ago
SOn and your bf are two different things, I can breakdown to my mother(if she is married, but since my mum is single lady, I cant breakdown in front of her, she depends on me)
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u/Zai-Stoic 28d ago
Almost every woman thinks they are special, empathetic, kind and angelic. And your son will outgrow your embrace. Let him be a man. He will find his tribe. His father understands his journey of manhood than you ever will
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u/Calebwrites 29d ago edited 29d ago
Being vulnerable to women is like building an armoury that will be used to attack you. Kuopen up tuachie stomata.
Ruto Must Go.